The reasons why someone would be driven to suicide vary. No situation completely mimics another, and so, as much as I wrote this poem, it may not mean that every person who has struggled with suicidal thoughts dealt specifically with the things mentioned. I drew from my own personal experience of self-harm and anxiety to illustrate components. I never was suicidal. However, I was a 16-year-old girl who couldn't wait until she was 18-years-old so she could move away and unburden her parents of the bad daughter I believed they thought I was. I do not mean to make light of the emotions, but rather to shine a light so that we, as a community, and as a Church, may address a silent killer.
I may have opened a can of worms with some of the lines written. But I wanted to be brutally honest, and know that there are real people who ask these very real questions. We cannot shrug them away, hoping they will disappear. Because, until things change, we will continue having suicides. The only answer, I believe, we have is Jesus. The poem is meant to hone in on teen suicides. As I said earlier, it is the #2 killer of teenagers. We feel it heavily on the Reservation, here. If I remember correctly, within a 14-year period, there was a suicide every year. But it's not limited to the Rez. I remember that back in freshman year of high school, a boy at Sentinel High (I went to Big Sky) killed himself. Why, I don't know. But when I was a senior, a girl from that same high school killed herself. She ran her car into a street light, after finding out she was pregnant. Word was, she worried how her parents would've reacted. The autopsy report revealed that she would've had twins.
Too many of our young our dying, and it needs to stop. This poem is long, but perhaps you relate to one, or more of the "letters". Let's start talking. Let's make a stand that the devil can no longer have our children (and other family members/friends who also struggle with self-harm, depression, anxiety, and suicide). If you are someone who does struggle with thoughts of suicide, please tell someone. We do care about you. Message someone on Facebook, or call them. There is also a suicide hotline number 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). Please know that you are loved, valued, and not alone.
"Redemption in the Face of Death"
“The devil
comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I come that you may have life, and that
more abundantly.” –John 10:10[i]
I: A Person Contemplating Suicide
God…
Are You there? Hello?
Oh
man. What am I doing?
This is
stupid.
I hope You’re listening, ‘cause there’s
no one
To talk to me. Or listen to me,
For
that matter. I am empty and numb.
My emotions dried into an apathetic
awareness.
Frankly, I
don’t care anymore.
Why should
I?
I tried to feel. To be hopeful.
But
apparently it didn’t work,
Cause I’m
here now.
Drained,
and at the end of my rope.
Do You even love me, like they say
You do?
Where have You been?
Expectations
laid upon my identity
Found me
wanting of perfection.
I would measure
up, then suddenly fall deeply
As pills
that sink into a metallic abyss
Due to a
blemish
Unbeknownst
To
me. I tried God.
Yet in my
attempts to manufacture my goodness,
I screwed
up and complicated matters,
Made it
worse for others.
I just wanted to be loved. But...
Why
would anybody want me?
They’re
better off not being bothered by my presence.
God…
I needed You! I even cried out to
You!
But You are silent; all the while
I have been suffocating in this mess
I have to call my life!
What a
joke…
But I
don’t care.
I stopped
laughing, but I stopped letting the prank offend me.
God, if You love me
Help me to not hurt anymore.
Allow me to disappear;
Unburden the world’s weights of this
mistake.
Why don’t You let me
Let my life go
BANG!
II: The Parent or Friend
It’s been
a long day.
I don’t
know how much longer I can take this.
We laid her down today, God.
All I could think was how she didn’t
deserve to be in that bed of death.
And yet, there she sleeps.
And now,
she always will.
I keep
hoping I wake up tomorrow morning
Finding
out that this was just a bad joke she played.
But it’s not going to happen. Is it?
She wrote
the note; something had been haunting
Her
soul. She ended it all.
We found
her body without the breath that carried
So much
life.
Why does she have to be gone? I’m confused.
I
am angry at You. Couldn’t You have
frayed the rope?
I
believed that You are a good God that loves;
Didn’t
You care?
I am angry
with myself, as well.
I failed
to recognize behind all the smiles,
The tears
that collected behind her eyes.
I have
been with her since the beginning.
I’ve
should’ve known. I could’ve noticed
Something
was wrong. Right?
Oh
God, why was I so blind?!
Is
it my fault that fear crept in
To
convince her not to come to me?
It’s too late to ask her the
questions
To reveal a pain, which then hopefully,
We
would’ve introduced the reminder of the truth
Of how we see... I mean, saw…her.
I’m so
weary from crying.
There’s
such a void
With her
vacancy.
III: A Bully
I
guess I should’ve gone;
Pay
my respects.
How do I
admit this?
I’m
shrinking from the dread
That
it might be true
That
he could be dead, because of me.
I saw the
tears in his eyes.
I knew
everything wasn’t alright.
But… I was
silent. Worse,
There were
moments I joined in.
It
was a joke.
It
was supposed to be a joke.
Ha. All the time we called him “Butterfingers”…
Dang
it. And the one time he decides to have
steady hands
Is when he
holds a palm full of pills.
Not all
jokes are funny.
We made him feel worthless.
I
could tell when he wasn’t laughing inside,
Though
on the outside, we were heckling.
We…I
can’t keep pointing fingers at others…
I…
Delighted
in bringing enjoyment at the expense
Of his
pain. No longer does it remain.
I guess.
Amazing
how much shame a shut casket brings.
Now that
he’s gone, I am mindful
Of the
hurt that bears on his family and friends.
Friends? I wonder if he had any.
We were so busy teasing, were there
any
Who stood by him?
I wish I
hadn’t spoke what I said.
I wish I
didn’t do what I had done.
Couldn’t I change things? Talk to him?
But his
lips are post-mortemly shut under a pile of dirt.
I’m amazed if You are listening, God.
Because if I were You, I wouldn’t
listen to
An idiot like me.
I hate my
reflection; who I became.
Even if You
still forgive,
I don’t
deserve it.
IV: An Intercessor
Oh Daddy,
My heart aches for my people.
The earth has become broken;
Seeds meant to grow are left to be
scorched.
The elders bury their dead,
And the old pray the eulogies,
Because hope has been lost among the
youth.
How long,
God?
How long will my people have to wait
For You
To heal our land? You are mighty,
I believe.
You are faithful, just, and good.
I
know.
We are desperate, and left
destitute,
But I know we will not stay this
way.
I thank
You that You are God.
You are
Lord.
So, I
plead with You:
Jesus, come!
Too many of our young are being laid
into the grave!
How wounded they must be to seek a ‘comfort’
Found in the dark! So confused and
afraid
That the prospect appears to be
bleak
Compared to their present pain.
Jesus, come!
Only by Your name will my people be
saved!
I am tired
of hearing of the statistics!
I am
frustrated with our future falling into an unwakeable sleep
Before their
forefathers.
I am
angry.
I will not have it any longer!
How dare
the enemy steals their hopes;
How dare
the devil kills their spirits;
And how dare
he destroy their souls!!
No
more!
He will
not have our children, any longer!
So, I call
on You, God.
Will
you work your wonders for the dead,
That
they may rise and praise You?
Declare
Your lovingkindness in the midst of the grave!
Show
Your faithfulness in the places that have been destroyed!
Remind
this land of Your righteousness:
That You
are God. And You are good!
Open their
ears:
You
are our Father,
And
the rock of our salvation!
A Führer
once said that lies spoken
Long,
often, and loud
Enough
shall be believed.
I ask for Your truth, Jesus:
That it would be
SHOUTED
So loud; for so long, within such a
short frame of time
That all doubt the devil means to
seed would decease.
God, shine
Your face on us.
Restore
us!
How much
longer must we wait?
How much
longer can we wait?
Hear me,
Daddy, please!
Come rescue these kids.
How much
more can I say
Before I
begin to repeat myself?
Let me
speak no further.
My tears
shall swallow up my words,
The only
sounds heard will be my groans.
Jesus,
redeem us from the plight of suicide.
V: Jesus
I have
seen, and I have heard…
I
have not been blind to your pain,
Nor
to your cries have I been deaf.
I
know the angst that grips your heart.
Though
it could not be uttered with lips,
I am fully
aware.
I am fully
present.
The
whimpers you suffocated in the pillow
Echoed
the heaviness I have for you.
I
share your tears;
The
frustration you hold
From
your loss, I carry the same vengeance
Against
the one who deceived the first man.
I, too, am
angry.
It is true
– the aim of sin
Has been
to rob creation of the heavenly eternal.
But
when the enemy sought to destroy you;
Use
sin to separate you from Me and My glory,
He forgot
that I am a jealous God.
Fiercely
loyal, and ferociously loving
He
did not count that I would come after you,
And
rescue you.
I want you
to know
You
are Mine. I will not let you go.
I
will fight for you; and have fought for you.
I
died so that you would never have to.
But
I came that you may be ransomed.
I
have cleaned you of your filthy rags;
I
have forgiven you of the regrets you hold,
And
of the wrongs you inflicted on others,
As
well as on yourself. I care.
I love
you.
At
the beginning of time,
I
already had your name in mind.
Already
I had envisioned how I would knit you together.
And
I couldn’t wait for the moment of your birth.
Do you not
know
You were
created in My image?
I
fashioned you specifically
I
crafted you purposely.
You
are a gift and blessing.
You
are valuable.
That’s why
it breaks My heart
When I see
you
Aim to rid
the world someone I created;
Use your
reflection to cut into your skin,
Marring
your magnificence in an effort to perfect
What I had
already made good.
I
forgive you.
And I want
you to come to Me.
Lay
your burdens down;
Give
them to Me.
I know that
life is sometimes hard,
And you
will wonder.
I
may not give you the answers to your why
At
this moment, but I promise
That
whatever the devil devises,
I
will turn it around and use it for My glory
In
the end of it all.
Trust Me
and see
If I will
not be your salvation.
I AM!
I am the
Beginning and the End;
The First
and the Last.
Sovereign
Lord and King of all nations.
Creator of
all, and a Father to you.
I
have called you Mine,
And
Sheol must bow down to Me.
I give you
life, and that more abundantly.
I am your Healer.
I am your Comfort.
I am the Replevin of your souls,
And I am the restorer of your Hope!
There is
redemption in the face
Of evil,
depravity, and pain.
Death will
no longer have its sting,
Because
hell does not have the victory!
Your
future will not be lost.
The
old ruins shall be rebuilt,
The
desolations of many generations
Will
be repaired.
Come to
Me: I am near.
Rest in
Me: I am here.
[i]
Other references used are Psalm 80:3; Psalm 88:10-12; Psalm 89:26; Psalm 91; Isaiah
61:4; 1 Corinthians 15:55
