Hey There, (De)Lila

 Hey there, Delilah
What’s it like to be in heaven?
Is it more beautiful
Than what was written
In scrolls found from long ago?
I can only imagine what you see.

Hey there, Delilah

What’s it like to be in His presence

And become His Man’s best friend?

God, we miss her so…

Please hold her close.

Oh, what you did to me…

Oh what you did for me…

When I was alone,

You were there for me.

Oh what you did for me…

What you meant to me…

For a sum of years,

You brought joy to my life,

Now I must say goodbye.

I miss how you curled up in my arms,

Always stood by my side,

Barked with excitement at my sight.

I wish the earth wasn’t so cruel

But I won’t play the fool:

I know you are without pain

And this ain’t the end.

So, I wish you well, my friend.

As you run, please tell

Our loved ones, “Hello”,

From us.

Oh, what you did to me…

What you meant to me…

Oh, The tears I weep!

The pain

I can’t deny

What you will always mean

My dear, Lila.

*parodied from "Hey There, Delilah." Plain White T's. 2006.

Loving You in Your Weakness

The hardest thing
About loving you
Is while you are in your weakness.
I had this ideal
That you would heal
The wounds buried in my soul.
Yet, in your humanity,
You have revealed
Your brokenness.

I hoped love would fix
The flaws I carried
Within my identity;
That your affection would make
Me a believer
Anything was possible.
But the ring proved itself
To be a mirror.

How much of my desire
Was, in fact and fruit, lust?
A longing to be worshipped;
And would your affirmation be enough?
But Love is not self-centered.
We all fail, and Its proof remains
When we remember
The dust from which we came.

So...will I remember
To carry you when the world
Sits upon your shoulders
For eternity?
Will I learn to bring encouragement
When critics await their chance
To jab at your hidden fears?
Will I pray for you while you fight
Unspoken battles you will not share?

May I
Hope in times of despair,
Believe in times of doubt,
Provide in times of lack
Until we utter our last..
For if God could look upon
Our sin, and desire
Grace for our immortality,
Then may I continue to hold
Joy in the presence
Of your face in my life,
Whether in darkness or light.

I Am Deadpool

     I am Deadpool.  
     Okay.  Not literally.  But boy...after watching Deadpool and Wolverine, did I get a reality kick in the heart.  How often have I desired to do something great?  Inspirational?  Make a difference in the world...only to continually feel like I'm out of place or not fitting in?  But more so...and this is what Happy was getting at - how often have I sought after the glory of greatness, in an effort to promote my importance?   
     Like Deadpool, I have sought for assignments and effort to prove to myself my own worth.  Sure, I wanted to save the world from it's own damnation.  But...it wouldn't hurt to have a minor credit that I helped make it happen.  Or so, I thought.  I mean...sure...I cared about the world.  Want the best for them.  But also...I wanted to know that I made my impact.  That this life wasn't just wasted.  That I did something that meant something.  
     Funny thing about that mindset is that often we overlook the little blessings in our lives.  We forgo doing certain acts of kindness for "better opportunities", because of the "need" to fill our love buckets.  Or worse, we can do EVERY act of kindness and then get butthurt, because no one thanked us for it.  Gratitude is appreciated, but it can become a curse when the giver requires it as a debt. 
     If there is one thing I am gradually learning about life and love...it isn't necessarily about me.  It's not about how the world can service my needs or ego...it's about how I can love others.  The Avengers probably wouldn't have needed me, either.  I would go in helping in every single mission, wanting the best outcome.  But if the best outcome didn't require my assistance, my ego would be devastated.  And that's the problem.  My pride can be my Achilles heel.  If everything I do is to build my own glory, then who is receiving the service of my actions?  
     Me.
     I am serving me.
     But it isn't about me.  It's about others.  It's about putting others above myself.  It's learning to rest in the love that God already pours Himself out for me, and knowing that nothing can remove His heart for mine.  When I stand in His affirmation, I don't have to serve the world for my gain.  And with that realization, I don't have to be a super hero.  Maybe the greatest acts I can do, is be present for the people and tasks laid in front of me.  No matter how little my name may be known or remembered.  

Image from Google

On the Charlie Kirk Assassination

     

Found on Google Images

  Why is the assassination of Charlie Kirk so unnerving?  Because it was in an accumulation of opposing thoughts presented, someone was killed for them.  It has been a growing trend for conservatives to watch how they say something.  If something came across as offensive, it could be labeled as intolerant - or worse - violent.  And when the public is encouraged that words themselves are violent, then the public will soon be encouraged to defend themselves against those who speak it.  That is, self-defense is often a physical matter.  A man was killed for just wanting to talk.
     He never threatened anyone's lives.  He never pointed a gun at somebody's head and demanded 'they should believe like him, or die.'  Rather, the public left called him a fascist; a Nazi.  Probably called him an ally to the Klan (oh wait...that was Trump).  The problem with these accusations is that they are based on the persons who ended up being the first ones to become violent.
    Looking back at history, we can all say Hitler was a bad dude, and the Valkyrie plot was justified, though it failed.  The thing is, however, the plot did not materialize until there was proof of violence on Hitler's end, and there were signs that it wasn't going to slow down.  And when I say violence, I mean the physical aggression or the intent to do physical harm.  While Hitler was propagating that Jews were the enemy, he wasn't being outright violent.  Prejudicial, sure.  Hateful, absolutely.  But did the rhetoric influence the public to take the next step, which was actual violence?  ABSOLUTELY!!  And THAT is the natural progression of fascism.
     Fascism doesn't start with physical violence.  It sows seeds of discourse, factionalizes communities, and when it tears apart cities and kills, it says it has done it in the name of self-defense.  It also removes the arms of law-abiding citizens.  Yeah, all these hints have hit our shores.  
     Now, can words be offensive?  Yes.  Should we create boundaries of how one should treat us, especially in regards to respect?  Absolutely.  But would we ever say someone is justified in taking physical action just because someone said something offensive or disagreeable?  No.  In fact, we teach our children that the only reason to be in a physical altercation is if someone else gave the first blow.  Otherwise, the way to deal with a verbal offender is 1) confront/set a boundary, 2) act like it never hurt you, 3) agree to disagree (and move on), or 4) create a physical distance to keep the peace.
     Kirk's approach was to debate and have conversation.  His death feels like as if Malcolm X decided to shoot Martin Luther King, Jr.  And if we're not free to speak our minds, resentment seethes and seeks an opportunity to bleed out.  Someone took that, literally.  I fear for my freedom to share my opinions.  I fear for our nation.  
     Over the last few years (since COVID), there has been an increase of violence over being hurt or offended.  Now, to be offended is a real thing to deal with.  I have had to deal with that demon and it took two decades of my life to defeat it.  But when you are so overcome with hurt that you become hateful, murder doesn't look so vicious.  Sometimes, it seems vengeful.  And I get it...unfortunately, ANY time there is an opposing point of the view, our instinct is to rise up in outrage.  I come from a generation that held ideas, beliefs or feelings described as lunacy by the former generation.  The dismissal card was often played.  The left had their thoughts, but when they proposed them, there wasn't any hearing out and explanation for why things were the way they were.
     And yet again, we live in human nature, which is prone to sin and rebellion.  Either there wasn't a response or the answer wasn't the one desired.  So 'push came to shove', as the saying goes.  Anger undergirding the desire to have a voice opened a way that when allowed to finally speak, they did so with such velocity, it became indoctrination.
     Sound familiar?  Heck, Hitler's rise to power was initially for the good of Austria and Germany.  After all, these countries were left destitute after World War I.  Nevertheless, the League of Nations didn't become the bad guys in WWII.  Hitler did - because he allowed his personal and public offenses to influence finding scapegoats to justify his violent movement in power.
     Charlie Kirk's death is a huge warning light that we are going down the same path as post-depression Germany.  Thing is, I think we are getting it wrong about who are the true fascists.  Fascism seeks to disintegrate all forms of dialogues,  desires absolute power, and destroys opposition.  Where did Kirk fit on that line?   His whole premise was to CONVERSATE!!  No...His death is a turning point.  
     Either we learn to listen to one another, even with opposing views, or more violence will ensue.  I'm concerned the latter may accumulate.  Will the left stop telling the right that they are violent just because they don't agree with certain things?  Surely there can be a solution to some of the things we disagree.  I fear that won't be the case, however.  I wonder if the left will condemn the violence openly, but still accuse any conservative as remaining the bigoted.  As long as we fail to hold people accountable for actions, I fear violence will breed more violence.  Will we have second civil war on our hands?  For, if a man can be killed for talking, will true self-defense have to be the response?  After all, our country has learned to demonize opposing political views, and one person has just died for them.

(Written on September 13, 2025)

A Mother's Poetry: "A Fountain of Joy"

The organ was full and about to burst;
He couldn't hold back.
First, he held his breath
Then he let the water gates spring wide
In a fling,
He let out a WEEEEE-iz
And a glee-filled smile to accompany.

Possible Government Shutdown Solutions?

 Dear Congressman ______________________,

I want to write on behalf of the government shutdown, and if I am not overstepping, I was wondering if any of the following ideas could be considered on a statutory or even federal level.  My hope is that a solution can be found that can be both economically feasible, but also meet people's needs practically, even if some ideas need to be modified, combined or consulted by an economist for detailed practices.

1) Graduated welfare system:   What if the welfare system was reformatted where at certain incomes, it could be gradually decreased, at a slower rate (than a 33% drop), in which families are encouraged to get higher wage paying jobs, rather than not work, at all? 

2) EBT: Is there a way for benefits can take into consideration people's rent/mortgage, as well as their income?  Or can it modify a gradual system to include working families?

3) Disability welfare:  It seems like if an individual is on disability, they are ineligible for work.  What if we modeled disability benefits after SPED procedures (i.e. assist where needed, and no more...ex: a regular physical wouldn't count, but specialized services would).  Additionally, determining how much disability benefits required could be determined by doctors and family members (i.e. cases of inability to care for self)?

4) Can we make it illegal for insurance policies to choose which hospitals/services they cover over patients' preferences, PLEASE?!  What if all insurances had to abide by the 80/20 rule until deductible was met?  It still would leave competition on premium prices/deductible level, as well as payment for co-pays and meds.

5) Pharmacies:  Is there a way to cap a percentage profit for medicine, beyond price of manufacturing/labor?

6) Medicaid:  What if SS/Disability/children under 18 are exempt from costs, and other adults on program paid $20/no income for 100% coverage or $0/no income for an 80/20 rule.  Increased income can use the already existing scale.


**The format to email our congressman was limited to 2,000 characters, so I didn't have much room to expand on my thoughts.  Hopefully, this can help.

Giving Space

      When shifts occur, sometimes space is needed in order to process the change.  Within our society, we often give space when something amazing or sorrowful has occurred.  Sometimes we give space in order to deescalate a conflict.  However, is it possible to give space far too long?  This is more so in the presence of pain being a factor.  What may be seen as a polite action may insinuate a darker intention: that one is not cared for.
     I am five months postpartum.  I have my good days.  But I have had my bad days.  If I get a rare check-in, I often say I'm doing, "alright," because I figure that the good and bad even out to "fair".  But frankly, I use that reply, because I don't trust that the person asking can handle the full story of how I'm doing emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  If I were truly vulnerable, they may think I was trauma-dumping.  And so, I stay silent.  Exhausted.  Trying to get through the day.  Trying to find my 'miracle of the day,' and practice some gratitude.  
     There is a place where it has been communicated to be a second family.  A place I can go for encouragement and support.  However, off and on in the recent years, my trust in connecting with healthy friends has dwindled.  And while there was joyous anticipation...months later, I feel very alone. 
     Don't get me started about how our return was seen as a spiritual investment in our child.  Like, pacing myself when sleep-deprived, and taking time to read a Bible story isn't enough?  Yeah, that comment still stings.
     I'm not asking for a ton of visitors.  And in their defense, people only have enough energy to expound on their immediate audience.  But when my family had to take a leave, in order to learn how to rest while we navigate this new chapter in our lives (and are STILL navigating), after a while, this second family no longer checks in to say, "Hello."  Even a text would be something.  
     I'm trying to be understanding.  I'm trying to recognize the cynical thoughts in my mind and repel them.  But I feel let down.  I was told I was family, but the support needed to return was not constructed...and I don't know how long it will take to finish the project.  I'm trying to separate my personal offenses from the lack of sufficient care I think is needed for my newest addition.  It's hard.  It feels like one thing after another building on the issues, and I wonder at what point am I coming across as controlling and when the second family would benefit my leave, permanently (meaning, finding a new 'second family').  What's more frustrating is not knowing if God is supportive of the decision to depart.  I'm learning to be content as a mother, and my new church role to be praying.  But when I am fighting for my own sanity and finding glimpses of gratitude, it's hard to pray for them.   
     I feel so alone.  And those whom I WAS building good, healthy relationships have since taken their leave.  So, now I feel like what remains of my second family are those whom I don't connect well, anyway.  Do I stay and try to force something that isn't there, learn to be content that I'm distant, or should my family find a new home?  Because this space sure is convincing me that I'm forgotten, and those who preach love, grace and family could easily wash their hands and move on, if I were to never return. 

Blank Checks and Empty Promises

 Resist the urge
To promise,
"Let me know
If you need
Anything."
Anything?
Really?

What if my need only
Revealed itself as a want;
What if I became skilled in
Executing another's work
To replace my responsibility?
What if my needs were true,
But their burdens were too
Great to bear?

Anything is an empty hope;
The offer given in respite
As to assure neighborly care.
But if the check was cashed,
Could you refrain from resentment
Against the one whose debt
Your bank had to pay?

What I fear:
You reply with "anything"
To appear polite,
Without the intention
That I may actually ask you -
Banking on your follow through -
Cross the street - I dare you -
Rather than wait for another Samaritan
To nurse a wound
Family could have healed.

A blank check
Of anything
Becomes an empty promise
That users will take more
Than their share;
And the ones who needed 
A simple something
Will refrain from admitting 
Such a thing.
Or else be labeled an abuser of compassion,
Because frankly,
The something desired
Was a presence beyond
Milestone celebrations and headlining chaos.

Without friendship,
Anything becomes nothing.
Within friendship,
Something becomes everything.

Thunderbolts*: A Picture of Mental Health Support

  Yelena halted her anxious steps, turned around, and faced the growing Void.  Ever present and creating shadows of every existing soul, she finally realized why he had been so secretive of his demons.  And yet…she knew the only way to stop the darkness was to enter in, saving not only the world of this threat, but also the one who was always haunted by its presence.

    Sometimes, I have felt like I could understand Bob.  Always wanting to be better; desiring to bring good into the world.  And yet…simultaneously, worried that if people knew the worst of me, they would forsake me to the Void.  Their only help is to hope I can fight it on my own.  Maybe,  they will pray for me.  What they may not know is that although, in my stubbornness, I aim to fight, the more I fight alone, I become more overcome by the enveloping darkness.  What I secretly desire - and what I need - is someone to enter the fight with me.     
    Mental health acts as a psychological quicksand.  Within seconds, an individual can swing from okay to overwhelmed by a storm of emotions.  Those who find themselves in this war know they can’t do it alone; they need help.  But because of the insurmountable weight, they are afraid to plead their needs, because they don’t want to drown those who would try to rescue them.  We cannot deny its existence, but we also cannot leave those who suffer to do so, in silence.  Frankly, isolation becomes a common “solution”, because the weight is too much to bear for any one person.  And those who carry its heavy burden would rather die than dump their baggage on unrelated bystanders.  Unfortunately, some take that route.
    When Yelena disappeared, her father was distraught.  About to run in to save her, the rest of the Thunderbolts had to hold him back, so he wouldn’t disappear - and perhaps die - too.  However, Ava knew that Yelena didn’t make impulsive decisions.  If she entered the darkness, there was a reason for it.  And maybe…maybe there was a victim of the Void worth saving, even if his soul was its host.  So, as a team, aware of the demons they had fought on their own, turned toward the darkness, in order to bring the lost boy to freedom.

Janitor AI
Found on Google Images

    I doubt that the original Avengers would have been able to rescue Bob.  Not that they didn’t have the super powers to do so.  But I don’t think they had the heart to save someone when they were the villain.  At least, while the Avengers were in their infancy (aside from Natasha Romanov; which may be the beautiful paradox that it was her younger sister who led the charge to not leave Bob in a mountainous incinerator).  It took a civil war for Steve Rogers to convince the rest of the team that Bucky was worth saving, despite all the evil he committed within half a century.  It took many global and intergalactic wars fought before the Avengers admitted they had their own personal battles they had to reconcile. 
    The reason why the Thunderbolts* worked for Bob’s rescue was because they were fully aware of their sins and were trying to change.  They took time to earn Bob’s trust.  What began as a joke of trust, because when dealing with tough emotions, one should just “shove them way down” turned to “you can trust me”, while he was in his hero form.  However, that was minute in comparison, because the phrase only occurred when the team saw Bob at his best.  Bob eventually realized he could trust the Thunderbolts only when they refused to leave him alone in his struggles, even when they saw his Void’s darkness taking over him. 
    The Thunderbolts* knew what it was like to be broken, and therefore, they knew they could help someone who was broken.  All ever Bob wanted to be was a hero; U.S. Agent also desired the same accolades.  But both had hidden pains that compromised their ability to be a savior the world needed.  Yelena lived with constant functioning emptiness.  Ghost understood what it was like to be used for scientific testing, only to lose control of oneself. (So much for the battle of who had the worst childhood trauma.) Bucky knew the struggle of fighting one’s own mind, and having to remember the truth when so many lies had been programmed.  The Red Guardian…ha…he kept the optimistic view that there was still good, in spite of all the evil.  That’s why he still had so much hope for his little girls, despite all the red they spilled.  Each of the Thunderbolts* witnessed themselves become villains and the depravity it caused, and if Bob could be saved from his guilt, it was worth the try.
    Relating Bob’s character with the mental health conversation, not everyone is a Thunderbolt.  Heck, sometimes we can only wish to be an Avenger.  We know people shouldn’t be left alone with their demons, but balancing what is appropriate support is hard to navigate.  We can encourage developing a Sentry mindset.  But as seen in the film, encouraging a hurting person that they are suddenly powerful, infinite, and indestructible only created a delusion that they were fixed, while the Void was looking for the perfect deception.  There’s nothing like believing you’re on top of the world to create the exquisite disappointment when reality shoves your trauma back into the mirror when you least expect it.  Believing you’re the hero when there is a villain waiting to be unleashed only opens the door to hurting bystanders.  No matter how hard you try.
    The complexity of mental health requires a multi-faceted approach, as well as perspective taking.  It is too much to ask the person struggling to tough it out and fight alone.  It is also unrealistic to expect people to save the person.  Even with the best of intentions, failure can be a result.  Yes, Jesus is the answer.  But we need to be careful to not suggest that a person wouldn’t ever need the extra support, just because Jesus is present.  What would that say of Israel’s victory occurred when Moses was supported by Joshua and Hur (see Exodus 17:8-16)?  Of how the apostles often traveled in pairs (see the book of Acts)?  Job’s pain was intensified when his support only sought to accuse and tell Job how he needed to fix it, rather than sitting with him in his suffering. 
    And yet…Jesus is THE answer.  People or substances cannot substitute what only He can do.  After watching the movie, I remembered one of Jesus’ darkest times while being on earth.  The garden of Gethsemane (see Matthew 26:36-46).  Jesus knew His purpose was to save all of humanity from their sins; but even His human side trembled at the thought of what was to come.  What did Jesus do?  He asked his three Thunderbolts (James, John and Peter) to come pray with Him.  The thing was, His Thunderbolts failed to carry Him.  That didn’t stop Jesus.  He still pleaded with the Father and wrestled with His temptations to not be the Savior of the world, because it would mean not being able to ‘save Himself’.  Jesus knew, ultimately, that He needed to meet with God.  But He also knew He needed support.  Nevertheless, when the support lacked strength, He persevered, because He believed that God was sufficient to meet His needs.
    When mental health is a threat, it is important to know the roles we fit, and the responsibilities held:
If you are a BYSTANDER/ OG AVENGER: you are part of the acquaintance pool.  You may  know the individual by name only.  Maybe you know them, personally, but aren’t really close.
1) It is okay to check in with the person, when they cross your mind.   It is a simple act that shows you care, and gives evidence against the lie that their mind is trying to tell them that no one cares.  Be careful to check in with them, for how they are doing, and not only just because they aren’t attending the community events. 
2) Resist offering advice, especially advice that seems to suggest “toughing it out” or “just go outside and do something”.  People who are struggling with mental health issues are battling with themselves, and no matter where they go, they are bringing their brains with them. 
3) If you feel comfortable, invite the person to a social event.  This does help bring them out of their headspace for a little while.  Often, our “Bobs” are wishing others took the initiative to build friendship.  I bring up the point for social engagements, because it is meant to be lighthearted, but not turn into an intervention.  It can serve to deepen a friendship, if possible, but not exclusive to that purpose.
4) It is okay to make it clear if you are a person who may not be able to handle details concerning their circumstances.  If you don’t know what they are going through, or have a lot on your plate, or are not apt to carry more than you should emotionally…don’t put yourself in a position to do more than you should.  That being said, offering a hug and telling them you care, is helpful.
5) It is also okay for the person to not give details about their struggles.  They may say they are “doing alright” or that they “are taking things day by day”.  They aren’t trying to deceive you, but they are also trying to take care to not load on you more than you should carry.  You can ask follow up questions, but be prepared that you still may not get the whole story.  But that may be okay, because the details of their war should really be reserved for their Thunderbolts.
6) Pray for them that God would meet their needs.
If you are a THUNDERBOLT: you are a close friend or mentor, and know the person very well.
1) Be intentional about checking in on a regular basis, depending on the schedule that you know you can keep to.  Invite them to things, or if able, ask to come over.  Don’t underestimate the power of a hug.
2) Be willing to ask follow-up questions.  Listen to the full story with grace, and wait to give advice.  When offering suggestions, do so with room that movement or change may come slowly.
3) Be willing to sit with them in their pain.  The first order of business isn’t about fixing their  thought patterns or beliefs or circumstances.  Although that may be part of the long-term plan, often the initial and most powerful step is for them to know they aren’t doing it alone. 
4) It is okay to set up a boundary of how often you can check in, and how long one “session” can be.  After all, you aren’t Jesus, nor are you to be a replacement.  Secondary trauma is a thing, and while you are carrying for your friend, you also need to make sure you won’t be overwhelmed (and then, unable to help in the future).
5) Pray for them that Jesus will meet them in their needs.
If you are “BOB”: the person struggling with your mental health…
1) Do not fight on your own.  But also, identify who are your bystanders vs. Thunderbolts.  This will help set up proper expectations on who should be in your circle to help carry your hurts with you.  If more specialized care is needed, don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself.
2)  Recognize your Thunderbolts’ limitations.  Even your Thunderbolts won’t be able to perfectly care for your burdens with you.  Additionally, it isn’t realistic for them to hold your hand every single moment while you're fighting.  The Thunderbolts purpose isn’t to fight your battles for you, but support you while you fight.  (Bob was able to defeat the Void when he was encouraged to face it.  But none of his new friends could overpower the Void.  Bob had to choose to believe the truth of being cared for over trying to wrestle with the Void, in his own strength).
3) Intentionally say “yes”.  ‘Yes’ to invitations from friends.  ‘Yes’ to finding time to do one thing you enjoy in the day.  Sometimes the ‘no’ to busyness is a ‘yes’ to rest and relax (having too many engagements through the week can also serve as a distraction, so balance is key).
4) Make a choice to receive a different perspective on the situation. Sometimes we're so focused on the problem that we believe there is no solution. Sometimes we think it's always other peoples' problems to fix, when, actually, we may have steps to take ourselves to pull us out of despair.             5) Turn to Jesus to help reframe the thoughts in your mind.  The long-term change won't happen immediately, but each step will move you closer to being more healed. 
    It isn’t either Jesus or friends.  It’s both (but, underlining that the foundation of it all still is on Jesus’ redemptive ability).  I cannot promise that the battles will completely cease, though I wish they would.  They may diminish in their power.  Even Robert Reynolds found consolation in remaining hero-less - in order to keep the villain at bay - as long as he had a family who could love and care for him.  Maybe in the MCU, someone can come up with a way where Bob could be Sentry without turning into the Void.  But for now, being Bob without being abused or forsaken and yet fully known, is enough.  Sometimes a check-in, taking time to listen and sympathize; sometimes allowing tears to pool at Jesus’ throne is enough of a reminder that the darkness has lost, though it aims to continue intimidating the soul of one’s mind.  And that…can be enough hope to persevere into tomorrow.

A Mother's Poetry: "Loving Farts"

Oh child, my dear,
You are such a charm,
Especially when you lovingly fart
While I'm holding
You in my arms.

My Experience with Manipulation

 Parasite: “an organism living in, on, or with another organism in order to obtain nutrients, grow, or multiply often in a state that directly or indirectly harms the host” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). 

    We have parasites in our society.  Some are entitled - never seeing a need to pick up a responsibility; when it is theirs to own, they pawn off their accountability to another.  Some are coercive - the nutrients they seek are power and admiration, and they gain it by exerting control.  Manipulation is the method, and it can easily be noticed.  However, understanding the motive - or rather,  answering the question of why someone continues to utilize such a sabotaging apparatus within their relationships can be quite confounding. 
    There are manipulators who outright denounce responsibility on their part; either due to immaturity or with maleficent intentions.  Nevertheless, manipulation can be more common in the church than one may compare to a criminal.  It may be a strand within our culture, even over the course of generations.  It is done with the intention to meet a legitimate need, but does so, rather illegitimately (as stated by Steven Furtick).  In  recent reflections on the matter, I have found that there are three contributing features to why someone manipulates, but doing so without a malicious intent. 
    1) They have a sense of learned helplessness.  When there was a struggle, they were either not taught how to deal with the problem, or there was someone readily jumping in to save them the trouble.  The long-term effect resulted in a person doubting their own capabilities and becoming overtly frustrated that they have to deal with conflict in real time.  They are desiring for someone to come save them, because they haven’t been taught how to address the situation, for themselves.
    2)  When there was a problem, those in authority and had the responsibility to address it, failed to.  They taught the message that avoidance was a tool in avoiding conflict, and keeping the peace will smooth the roughest edges out.  Nevertheless, in their silence, the problem only persisted. Manipulators, sometimes, indicatively know that a problem (or a portion of it) isn’t their own responsibility, but they try to exert forced influence upon the one whom the responsibility does hold.  

     3) The individual may have been forced to carry responsibilities they weren’t supposed to be held accountable for.  Since they are carrying someone else’s weight, they don’t have enough bandwidth to carry what is actually their responsibility, and so, in moments of crisis, they desire for someone to bear a load that isn’t theirs…all because someone else chose they couldn’t (or shouldn’t) deal with their own struggles.
                    *****

     In taking the effort to confront unhealthy family patterns, I have realized that I can be a manipulator.  I can be a parasite in a social circle.  Of course, it was never intentional.  I just wanted to fit in.  I just needed support.  But I failed to know what a proper boundary line was.  For many of my problems, I was either sheltered (someone took care of the solution) or told to ignore it (deny that it was problematic).  I often became the source of wisdom for others, and the ‘free therapist’ friend. 
    Yeah, that one always baffled me.  Why was it that most of the people that I wanted to hang out with, kept their distance, but then the ones that I wanted to spend time with - I ultimately ended up carrying their emotional loads (with hardly a moment for them to carry mine)?  Despite the social circles, church activities and volunteering, I felt like no one could really understand me, or perhaps I gave off a needy vibe.  Worse, when there was a healthy friend interested in me, I usually ignored them (like, THAT was helpful!).  And the last thing I ever wanted to do was use anyone…so any need I had, I silenced.  Better to be depressed and alone, than to dump my crap on somebody’s lap.  Most of my adult years, I have been extremely lonely. 
    Much of my parasitical habits were driven by a victim mindset that I either couldn’t handle what was in front of me, or because I was so busy carrying other things I drained my own strength to sufficiently address my personal concerns.  The manipulation in my life has been paradoxical, in nature.  On one hand, I am quick to assist others with their problems (taking on responsibilities that aren’t mine).  My empathy and being able to see things from different angles is a vital skill in weighing out what is the best possible outcome.  Nevertheless, when it comes to my own life, any slight notice of discomfort or distress, these molehills really do become mountains, because I didn’t learn how to deal with a molehill in the first place (learned helplessness).
    I manipulated others by constantly finding a friend (usually a third party) to air out every emotional grievance I had or resorting to writing to my offender, so they couldn’t verbally attack me.  I was never content if a problem remained unresolved (introducing the constant anxiety).  Especially, if I believed that a portion of the accountability was in their hands, and they were failing to take ‘the proper steps’.  I made a common practice of overstaying my welcome in social gatherings; usually was one of the last ones to leave the party.  I failed to ask for help or share my needs, but I also held unspoken expectations of how others should meet those needs (and then got ticked off when they didn’t pick up on those hopes or cues). 
    And, as for Jesus’ role in all of this?  I know I should go to Him and depend on Him for all my needs.  But…life’s experiences have a funny way of undermining trust in the character of God.  Praying to God looked more like whining, because I just wanted a physical action taking place to solve the problem.  And later wasn’t going to cut it, because if it was later, it might as well be never.  (Again, this was my thought process; not what should be wired in my brain.) 
    Boundaries are healthy, as they determine where one begins and ends.  However, we often fail to take into consideration God’s role in our lives.  Erby, we then force ourselves or others into a role not meant for them.  At the end of the day, that need was supposed to be filled by Another.  As I grow as a wife and mother, I no longer want to be stuck in the same cycles that have perpetuated my brokenness.  By identifying the ghastly manipulative tendencies, I feel like there has been a freedom shown, and wholeness to result  This will occur with three steps:
    1) Identify and assert my boundaries.  I need to know where I begin and end.  What are my responsibilities and what are not.  Affectively address what is in my realm of influence, and forget all else.  Additionally, learn to respect the boundaries of others.  I am not the center of the world, and to expect people to be constantly vigilant and ready to meet my needs and desires is serving an immature and selfish mindset.
    2)  When a conflict presents itself, seek to address it, not avoid it.  This is a skill I didn’t have modeled as a child, but that doesn’t absolve me of my responsibility as one of the adults of my home.  True peace making comes when one “speaks softly, but carr[ies] a big stick (President Theodore Roosevelt).”  This action will serve to support step #1, and will also help create new healthy patterns for my family.
    3) Invite God to meet needs that are beyond my control, but still remain outside the responsibilities of others.  This doesn’t negate the desire for all parties to self-reflect and see their growth points and action steps.  But rather than get in a bind where someone isn’t stepping up where I believe they should…ask God to intervene.  In between the time of identifying the need and the need being met, “God will [either] use people to meet someone’s need or will give an individual the strength to address the need on their own (as stated by Becca Meek concerning Philippians 4:8-13).”  And sometimes the person God wants to meet me is Himself, because ultimately, I was created for His pleasure and glory.
    In summary, the parasitical tendency in me will die once I shift the focus of my worship off of myself and back onto Jesus.  It will die when I admit my needs and  trust God to empower the solution, whatever it may be, done with His hand leading, rather than my own.