Reflections from a 2015 Invasion

 From September 17, 2015
     

     My emotions have been swirling the last couple of days due to something that happened on Facebook.  In short, a man sent me a very inappropriate message (he asked to have sex with me for $100, and to video it).  Then, I found out that he did the same thing to one of my students.  I have felt disgusted, sad, angry, and lastly, I felt hatred.  It's not wrong to be angry; I know I'm angry for all the right reasons.  But anytime I thought about this guy, I felt a temper rise, and would imagine what I'd do if I could see him.
     But God says that "Vengeance is mine." (Romans 12:19).  So, according to the Bible, I'm supposed to forgive this guy.  Not as easy as it sounds.  Like I said, every time I thought about what happened, I would either become sad or angry.  However, finally letting God know the honesty of how I truly felt, I realized that I had to forgive him, and let God.  Sin is sin, and all separate us from our Heavenly Creator Father; all are in need of His mercy.  This man is not my enemy; the perversion that's seeded in him is.  This man is just a pawn...
     Don't get me wrong.  I still want justice.  I want this man found, caught, tried and finally, put away.  I wish what happened, didn't, but I know that God is greater than any of the devil's schemes.  Nevertheless, in the span of eternity, I hope that this man will be able to come to know Jesus Christ.
     I wrote a poem, and it has helped me heal, and I hope that it can help others heal as well.  If anyone has questions, I understand. Go ahead and ask.  God bless.

“Dissipate the Rage that Wants to Hate”
“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” –Romans 12:21

He asked for my body;
He offered a price.
Now, I hear that he’s gone after my sisters;
He’s asked for our daughters.

I am grieved.
How dare this man define our worth as women
To be found in the bedroom?
To shame us to believe our hearts will never be desired.
Though he spoke through a cyber-screen,
How dare he introduce fear, making us look
Over our shoulders at night, making sure
No one is following?

I am angry.
Righteous indignation is rising
For purity wronged;
For innocence gone.
I wish I could have shielded my sisters
From such a monster.
What I wish I could do if I met him…
Abba Daddy, my hands carry a deep red rage.

But I know.
My war is not with flesh.
But God, it sure is hard to not hate
An enemy with a face.
How do you pray for someone who preyed on us?
I know I should forgive, but I don’t know if I can.
I desire Justice.
God will You be it?

Broken heart, realize
Mercy was given to the undeserved.
Oh, how deep a wound
We hold in all humanity’s soul!
How massive the grace
Found on the cross
Covered with blood not meant to save
Just the sinners that were “good” like me.

Proud of These Scars

My daddy always
Told me to be proud
Of my scars.  They are 
The marks that tell stories
Of the wars waged
In life;
Real or imagined,
In play or in strife.
When the fire burns,
And a decision is made
To run toward the flame,
Not away,
These cracks in the skin are
The evidence of courage
Tried and won.

But as I gaze
Across my body and see
The scars I bear,
Shame encompasses their tales.
A rope wrapped around the neck;
Stomach pains produced from
A self-inflicted poisoning;
Lines along the forearm reveal where
I called a knife a friend in a moment.
There are more.
How can pride be found
When the marks borne
Revealed I fought a battle
Calling myself the enemy?

But there is Another 
Who bears scars.
Inflicted on His behalf,
Descended from heaven
To adopt the guilty charge 
That was my own.
I stand ashamed.
However, the King
Who became a criminal 
For my sake
Demands that I refuse to retain
The refuse of my past.
The burden borne is
No longer mine;
I do not stand condemned.

His innocence exchanged
For my guilt, pain, and suffering.
His body broken so
That I might be healed
Wholly.
So the specks I wear now
Are evidence of a war
Already won;
The cross and empty tomb
Of Jesus defeating
the satanic enemy
Who abhorrently hates
And cunningly deceives.
His love compelled Him

And now I stand

Justified in His stead.
These scars reveal a grace
That goes deeper than my shame.
My face is His delight 
As He calls me His child;
His face is my delight
As I call Him my Redeemer.

How Labor Day Revealed God's Grace

It was Sunday eve of Labor Day.  My boyfriend and I were sitting in his car talking.  We had been dating for two months, but an official couple for three weeks.  Another blog will have to tell the story, but both of us realize that neither of us are in this for kicks.  We truly feel like this is going towards marriage.  The poor man - using all the self-control he has to restrain himself - had the toughest time when I said, “no touch”.  By that Sunday evening, I had heard from well-intentioned Christians say, “Ask God to lead,” but also say, “It’s okay to do…”  So, I figured a hug was okay.     The hug lingered.  He held me so close, and for so long.  While in the car, he held me.  And I liked it.  Very much.  But even in being with the man that I know I want to spend the rest of my life with, I was wrestling.  Something was off despite enjoying being with him.  A reminder that I was blurring the lines.  Thankfully, we didn’t make out.  The way we kept holding onto each other, we were lucky.  No.  It was God’s protection that we didn’t push the buttons more than we had. 
    Though I loved what happened, even when I returned home and talked to my mom, I felt a grieving begin.  By the next morning, I was repenting, knowing I dishonored God and the man I’m with by not standing firm.  It’s not that a hug is a sin.  But, considering my history with romantic fantasies, a hug with the man I love is WAY too much of a trigger for me to fall haphazardly into old ways of thinking.  If there was to be any physical touch, it would have to be minimal and something else.     But first I had to repent.  My boyfriend and I were burned.  Later that day, we talked.  We repented to and forgave one another.  We had to backtrack on what touch would be okay.  However, in all this - navigation is our favorite word to describe learning to walk godly in a relationship - where I failed, I found God’s grace.     Immediately after realizing what I had done, I came quickly to my parents who were visiting for the weekend.  My dad - bless his heart for being soft-toned when he easily wanted to cuss both of us out - gave us godly wisdom.  Moreover, my heavenly Father reassured me how my standing as His righteous daughter wasn’t abandoned, because of my actions.  He reminded me through my devotions. Reading through Romans, God reminded me that He justified me, rather than my own actions.  He died for me - not when I proved I was a good person - but while I was still a sinner.  Yes, I was burned.  Yes, I needed to learn something.  But God, in His discipline, values teaching me to become more like Him, instead of punitively punishing me for not meeting His standards.  Rather than condemning myself for my actions, I found myself sitting in peace, because God’s grace stands firm even when I screwed it all up.     This Labor Day weekend was a sobering, humbling reminder that as much growth as I have gained, I am never too far from going backward.  I can be just as apt to fall into sin as the person next to me.  Walking with Jesus is an interesting journey sometimes.  The more I walk with Him, the more I realize how broken of a person I really am.  But…I am also finding out - because of the level of my depravity - the amazing depth of God’s love and grace truly extends.  Every day I choose to depend on what Jesus did for me at the cross, I realize I don’t have to be held by my past.  God is a God who is in the process of transformation.  And I - I am still transforming.