Singleness is Not a Season

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"Enjoy this season,” many well-meaning married Christians say to singles.  As if, there is a point to their specific status of uno.  Granted, being single and living a godly life introduces a need for maturation, but that comes with age, anyway.  However, the main concern that is prevalent is how often being single is used as an excuse for a season of preparation for something more…as if marriage is the end goal.  I do not disagree with the sentiment that while in singleness, one should be growing in character.  However, why is singleness described as a season as if it is something to pass from into something else?     Because seasons change.  And though I am at the stage in life where I am in a romantic relationship with someone, I still remember the pains I had being a single person.  I remember feeling like I wasn’t catching anyone’s eyes, and wondering how much I was supposed to grow in order to finally attract someone.  I wondered if I had some character defect I was supposed to work out before meeting someone…which only then left me feeling I had to become the perfect person before meeting my perfect person.  I remember feeling left out of certain friends’ circles, because they were couples and I was not.     That hurt.  And I never felt like I was going to be enough to be enough for someone.  Moreover, and this is the problem with describing singleness as a season is - unlike seasons, what if someone’s relationship status never changes?  There are people who do not get married, whether or not it was their desire.  What do we say of those who chose to stay single in order to use their life as a full-time ministry?  Oh wait.  We are okay with that, because then it is a gift of the Holy Spirit.      We can unintentionally judge Christians who are single, because we continually say, “enjoy this season”, when we do not consider that this “season” may or may not pass.  And that is the problem.  We can often discuss marriage as a higher season (wait, isn't that a life-long commitment?) to reach; and if it isn’t that, then it is having children.  “I learn more about God’s unconditional love in my marriage season,” or “I understood the depth of God’s love when I became a parent.”  Can singles learn this, too?  And I am not discounting the claims of the lessons I am learning in having dated.  I just want to make sure we are not discounting our single people from the lessons that God has for them, regardless of their relationship status.     We have often made marriage the goal for life-long happiness.  I know many mothers who have pointed out men to their daughters, in the name of “just wanting them to be happy”.  What makes them being single a determining factor that they are not happy?  I actually enjoyed my singleness while in my twenties.  It was the being left out that was the hang-up for me.  Even in singleness, I still needed community.     Now, for any single person reading this, I may come across as another newly-engaged person telling some advice that isn’t wanted.  However, considering that my fiancé was my first and only boyfriend, and I was single for a long time before meeting him, I think I have some understanding of what it is like to be “in the single season”.  And if willing to read on, this is what I wish to say:

    I want you to go after all that God has for you.  Whether you are single, dating, engaged or married.  Seek after Him with your whole heart, and follow His lead.  He is always at work, and He chooses to work His story in you,  with you, as well as in your life.  I would much rather encourage you to jump in whatever God has in store, for every chapter (year) of your life, rather than calling this stage of your life a season.  Single or not, God will bring people beside you in the forms of friends, family and if it comes, a marriage life partner.     Take this time to invest what God has for you, because the reality is, it isn’t going to stop when in a relationship with someone.  Enjoy the moments of happiness, and mourn the moments that bring tears.  And these will happen in marriage, too.  Start reflecting on your character, and where God convicts, address it.  But do not expect that you have to have it all figured out by the time you may meet someone.  Just prepare the habit, because when you start knowing someone, trust me, you’ll realize that you’ll get to know more about yourself, too.  Nevertheless, allowing God’s grace to have its perfect work is something we Christians are supposed to do, anyway, whether we have a ring or not.     Recognize that your wholeness is never grounded in what you can do, or in the being of another to stand next to you.  Ain’t it a funny thing that we do have a tendency to define ourselves by our accomplishments, and others by their existence?  However, the worth of any and all beings is solely defined by the Creator who formed them.  YOU were created for such a time as this, God loves you, and desires to walk with you in the fullness of your life.  As frightening as that sounds, it is a comfort, because He already unconditionally loves you.  And whatever you accomplish for Jesus’ name has already been predestined  by His plan for you, and is enabled by His grace.  So, will you stand and go forth?     Because the Church needs you.  We need our single people to go forth in all that God has.  Not because we think you have so much more time to serve than us.  That is, admittedly, an immature way at looking at ministry.  (Because even in marriage and parenthood, we do not cease to be called as ambassadors of Jesus’ sacrifice.)  No, we need you, because God has created you each, specifically with distinct personalities, interests, gifts, desires and passions.  And you are able to jump into them, now.       As someone who is in a relationship, I want to let my single friends know: I still need you in my circle.  I still need your perspective, your friendship and your prayers.  If I decided to walk away from friends, because they are not married, who else will I have in my corner?  Yes, I can say, “Other married couples, of course!”  But where will the gift of my single friends be, if I forgot them?  I’m so sorry that we have made marriage an idol, and only include you if you are interested in relationships, or when we have a service project.  We have called singleness a season, as if you are supposed to prepare for something other than what God has for you.  And frankly, if singleness is only a season, then what will that say when some of you will not marry?     The truth is, you are the gift.  Aside from your relationship status, occupation, accomplishments, mistakes, or experience - YOU are the gift.  And the Church needs you, because, as a Christian single, you are part of the family. 

     I am grieved how singleness has been addressed, or treated in the larger sphere of the Western church culture.  It isn’t a season.  People should always be growing, and yes, when one is single, it is important to be learning about yourself before anyone comes into your life.  However, can we PU-LEASE stop making singles feel like they have to go through some initiation before we include them in ministry…or more so, as part of our lives?  I wonder if singles are only included in larger spheres of people and conversations when the topic is too general, or when they can help with something (“You’re free, so can you babysit?”).  Can they be chosen as friends, brothers and sisters?      The Church is a family that is made up of many parts.  And we need every single person (no pun intended).  We need our children, as well as our elders.  We need the ones who haven’t said “I do” yet, and the ones who have.  We need the clean-cuts, and the rough bunch.  We step into arrogance, when we believe that because someone else doesn’t have a shared life experience, that we somehow have no need to be in relationship (i.e. friendship) with them.  Jesus died for the world, saved us by His grace, and unified us by His love.  Let us live as such.

My Love Story Thus Far

  

I really set myself up, going into my internship.  Though I had let go of the idea that I had to be married to be happy or fulfilled - finally understood that my life could be well spent even if I had no family of my own - I still joked that maybe I would meet someone.  Well, there was this one guy…of course, this is my telling of our tale, but finally sharing the love story that God has written for me remains to be a blessing and privilege.     Jerrad Coons would tell you that the very day I walked through the doors of Destination Church on September 18, 2022, he was completely smitten.  For me, it didn’t take too much longer.  Within a month, most specifically, when our church had a game night, I took notice of him, as well.  His long hair, beautiful and dark brown eyes, and the tattoos told me that this guy was not your “suit ‘em up” kind of man.  Quiet, but very observant.  I thought him cute.  But wisdom told me that I needed to make an acquaintance of this man to see if the first impressions were matching up.  Furthermore, my heart at this time was still holding onto the hope of going back to the Rez.  It was ill-suited to stir up a romance if I was going to leave, anyway.     As my internship went on, I was cleaning the church, and when I needed someone to take over those duties as I increased my school subbing, my pastor suggested that I contact Jerrad.  With the two of us, the cleaning would have been finished in two hours.  In reality, it took double the time, because…well, we talked.  And talked quite a bit. Mostly minor things, but usually centered on background family life, as well as thoughts on politics, the Bible and ministry.  I really liked cleaning the church with Jerrad, and noticed that I was looking forward to Sundays a bit more, as well.     I kept this all under wraps, however.  Again, if I was going to leave - which I still believed that I was as of February 2023 - then why keep stirring things up?  God was revealing that I needed to let go of the Rez, but frankly, I was still holding onto old hopes and dreams.  Nevertheless, even if my interests were masked to the man himself, I told my brother and my mentor. And, boy, the mercy they gave me.  Every little thing that Jerrad said or did, I questioned, “Does he like me?”  My brother just met Jerrad as of last Friday, but he has known about my interest for a year now.  My mentor wanted me to work through this Bible study on breaking free from old wounds, but almost every week we met, I HAD to bring up this guy I couldn’t keep my mind off.       It wasn’t the bad boy that I was interested in.  Okay.  Maybe not completely.  There was something about him that I could tell he was rough around the edges.  I have grown up knowing that I wanted to do missions and probably wouldn’t have your usual picket-fence kind of life.  I wanted the forgotten ones.  And the man that I wanted to marry had to be someone who wanted to go after those who people would otherwise be discarded.  He had to not be afraid of the shadows.  My heart also needed a safe place where I could discuss matters important to faith and health, but also cheerful enough to make me laugh.     One of my favorite memories when we cleaned the church consisted of him finding a homeless man camped out behind our building.  “Laura, what should we do?”  I suggested we do what our pastor has often done: while having to evict the person we could offer a cup of hot coffee or water.  On the way to giving the man water, Jerrad piped up, “If we get shot, it’s been real!”  Ha ha!!  I still laugh about it (and for family and friends - Jerrad would have made sure that he would have protected me).     Jerrad and I remained as friends at church all through my internship.  The irony is that I never caught on to his interest in me.  Even when he would act like he was going to trip me, while I was cleaning. Even with his willingness to help with whatever I needed. Even when he gave me two packs of gum.  Okay.  That actually made me wonder, but I was told friends give friends gifts.  Even going into the summer and while we hung out, I held onto my secret, but I figured we were just friends.     We would go for walks.  I’d call him up to help me move things into my new apartment.  We even would have dinner together.  Now, this is where men would laugh and go, “Yeah, that’s a date,” but I still had no clue!  Maybe it was naivety or being a blonde, but while I liked this amazing man, I only hoped he liked me back.  Then August 14th came up.     There was an ultimate frisbee game, and as the evening grew into night, Jerrad and I remained at the park while everyone else left.  Seated, Jerrad asked me, “Why do you like to hang out with me?”     “Because I think you are cool,” I replied.  He wasn’t buying it.  “No, really.  Why do you like to hang out with me?  And don’t just say ‘because I’m cool’.”  I answered truthfully, “I enjoy your company and being able to talk with you.  And I feel protected and safe with you.”  Our conversation continued on, and I mentioned something about men with long hair, and beards.  “Well, that answers my third question,” Jerrad commented.      “What’s your third question,” I asked.     “What kind of men are you interested in?”     “Why do you want to know?” (See how I beat around the bush?  Truth is, I wanted to tell Jerrad I liked him, but I wanted him to be the first to say it.)  With a deep breath, he finally confessed, “Because I like you and I think you are cute... I had a crush on you since you came, and I don’t just think you are cute.  I think you are beautiful.”  It was out in the air, and the romantic I am, I responded, “Ditto.”  We talked some more and connected the dots over the last year.  We revealed how we tried to show we liked each other, and how we still were trying to keep it under wraps.  Relieved to know we share the same interest, we decided at that moment that we would date exclusively.     It didn’t take long for me to fall for Jerrad.  Even by Labor Day, I was asking God if it was too early to admit that I loved him.  In my waiting, I figured out what kind of man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with; moreover, the kind of man I needed.  I wanted a man who I could have shared interests and shared values.  I wanted a man who had a hospitality heart, and was willing to help.  I wanted a man whom I can discuss anything with, especially my faith.  Growing up, feeling like I was too much when I tried to discuss faith, it was such a safe place to find that Jerrad and I talked about what God was teaching each of us, as well as things that we identified as needs for our neighborhood.     I wanted a man who was willing to move where God is calling us. I needed a man who has a compassionate heart, but could also help curb my overextension in ministry involvement, and to focus on the actual thing God is proposing for us.  I needed a man who treated me with care and the utmost respect - and boy, does he ever! I wanted a man who was down to earth and willing to step up.  I wanted a man who wanted to reach out to the unwanted.  I wanted a man who was willing to develop his own relationship with Jesus, with and without me.  I wanted a man whom I could have an adventure of a life with, extending out to neighbors.  And in all of these things, Jerrad is.     This last weekend, Jerrad asked for permission from my dad for my hand.  My father said yes, and soon after, so did I.  We are hoping to be married in the springtime.  I know that for friends and family, this seems all of a sudden.  Might feel rushed.  And yet, things were clicking, and they continue to click.  On a regular basis, I am amazed at what kind of man Jerrad Dean Coons is, and who God is growing him to be.  He will tell you he is still learning, but both of us are.  Neither of us are perfect - for no human is - but we have found that we are each other’s perfect fit, and I am excited to spend the rest of my life with him.     As I look back on our story, I also see God at work in my own life, personally.  I remember being in my 20s wondering if there was something wrong with me, because I wasn’t getting hitched. I wondered how much I had to mature spiritually before I was fit to be wed.  Men had caught my eye, but all for the wrong reasons, and it was God’s protection that nothing ever progressed into an actual relationship.  I am so thankful that in the waiting, God revealed the perfect man for me.

Engaged on October 6, 2023

    And perfectly, like in God’s fashion, He went above and beyond what I asked or thought (see Ephesians 3:20).  For me, the fact that Jerrad sees me - not just as cute, but beautiful - whether I’m in jeans, a dress, or even in my sports shorts is incredible.  I thought I had to fit into a specific box to be seen as feminine, but he already sees me as such.  And yes, he loves cooking and cleaning!  Now, I’m not going to put all the household duties on him.  In fact, we like the idea of cooking and dividing house chores evenly.  Nevertheless, here was a man who didn’t expect me to be the stereotypical woman to be worthy of his love.  My character, personality and how I carried myself - the way that God intended - was enough for him.     I am so happy, but I am so thankful for how God worked in my love story.  It wasn’t like the chick flicks would write, but it was perfect.  I am grateful that Jerrad and I began our acquaintances as friends, and had that foundation as we progressed getting to know one another. And he really has become my best friend.  We can talk about anything, ask questions, and inquire together how God wants to lead.  I absolutely love it! And as we have engaged ourselves to be married, now we have begun dreaming, wondering what God has in store for us.  Only time will tell what God has yet to reveal.