Three weeks left of the school year, and I have turned in my resignation for a full-time teaching position. Resigned, because, I was given a notice of non-renewal. I inquired about transferring into another teaching position. Two years ago, I was allowed to do that. However, it was made very clear that I am not be a teacher next year. The only position I can take is a TA or subbing. A door closed.
Honestly, I’ve been fighting feelings of bitterness, holding grudges...I’ve been fighting quite a while now. It started back in February. I was trying to manage my classroom as I should, but I guess I misunderstood some things, and in summary and from my perspective, I increasingly became more confused and frustrated of what was being required of me. Never voicing it to the principal, out of fear that I may be pointing fingers when I shouldn’t, and secondly, feeling like a failure and worrying how he might see my capabilities, I put myself in a position in which I self-prophesied my doom. There was a point in which I was so discouraged that I was fed up. I would have rather wanted to sub.
“Just let me be done! I’m tired of the pressure! I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough...Never doing things perfectly…” After all, last year, I was told my principal that there was no more room for forgiveness. At some level, I know he was trying to push me to get better, but after another year, I wonder if he saw any of my growth. For two months, I fought depression. I held off the thoughts that I was stupid, and not making a difference. I regressed in believing that my supervisors should’ve encouraged me more. They should have taken notice of the things I was doing well, but nothing was said. All that was seen was my lack. Subsequently, temptation to believe my identity was held in my role as a teacher seeped into my psyche. It was about a month ago that I finally looked around, heard what my TA was saying, and realized that I am more than what was being recognized. Am I the perfect teacher? Am I superior? Not yet. I still have a lot to learn. However, I know that my students are learning, and I am making a positive impact.
There are questions of underlying motives...As awkward to accuse: is the District Administration aiming to have Native teachers to the point that they will make white teachers step down when non-tenured? I would hate to have that be the truth. Nonetheless, even if it is the truth, what more can I do? The more I think upon possibility, it does stir up bitterness, disdain, and unforgiveness.
Man. Just right when I finally regained the confidence of my abilities, this last blow came. There are a mix of emotions about the whole circumstance. And with one door closed, questions arise. Namely, what will I do for the next school year? Most people have advised that I should just move on. Write a resume, start applying for teaching jobs elsewhere.
People look complexed when I give them the answer I have. For good reason, too. Anyone who would find themselves in my position would readily move on. And yet, I am choosing to stay. I am staying when it all seems ludicrous.
*****
So, why stay?
During the internal discourse I was fighting inside my brain, I once had a dream. I had been telling myself I wanted to go “home” (which unfortunately, usually did NOT mean back to my hometown, but was actually a pseudonym for suicidal thing, i.e. home = heaven). In the dream, I left Browning, and returned to my parents’ home. But the students I had this year followed me. Then Jesus suddenly came back. I was able to leave the house and go with Jesus; some of my students were able to come with me. However, there were a few faces where they were NOT allowed to leave the house; every time they tried to open the door, the knob was locked, leaving the students behind after Jesus came back. This dream confirmed for me that if I left, I would be leaving a position where my influence is vital to show and share the gospel with students. I needed to stay on the Blackfeet Rez.
However, I was still unsure, at the time, if I wanted to teach full-time. I was beat down and ready to move on from the criticism of what I was doing wrong. “Damned if I do; damned if I don’t.” I really did come to the conclusion that subbing was the answer to step away from the discouraging criticism, and at some level, believed to be unneeded. (It’s one thing to be directive, but living with the fear that every step I make would be the wrong is too much, sometimes.) I had the confirmation that I needed to stay on the Blackfeet Rez (the thought crossed my mind to move to another Rez, and make it easier on me).
While working through my counseling book, on anxiety, it brought up that avoidance continues the process of anxiousness. Opposed to what the mind whispers, trying to run away from a problem fosters fear more so. It is the facing what discourages us that will make us overcomers. Running away to another job would be a form of avoidance, after all I have been through. Within the next couple days, I was reading in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9, how Paul asked God to take away a thorn. God refused. It reminded my situation with my job. The thorn being criticism. The conversation with God went as such:
God: “It would be easy to sub.”
Me: “I would be removing the thorn of criticism rather than learning how to not crumble when under it.”
“Bingo. And if you sub, then you will enter a desert season (not growing in this area)...You will grow so much as an educator full-time than as a sub. Subs are not held as much accountable, nor do they have as much influence. Teaching is your ministry.”
*****
Three weeks til the summer break and what does all of this background mean, concerning the coming August? First, I believe that God wants me to stay with my Blackfeet people. He is not done working through me here. Secondly, God doesn’t want me to shy away from a full-time position, even after all the criticism I believe I received the last three months.
It sounds a bit counterintuitive...how can I be convinced that God would want me to stay, and yet, simultaneously, want me to go after a full-time teaching position (especially when the district is closing that position to me)? Truth is, I am assured that God is going take care of my needs. When I first moved to Browning, I was able to live substantially on a sub wage. I have figured if I need anymore income, I can sell photos and do photoshoots on the side, as well. At this moment, I have been told blatantly that I am not allowed to teach. However, in the same day of this notice, I was told of other possible news that might shift things by this fall. If so, a full-time teaching position just may open up. I believe God was assuring me that if this change does occur, not to hold onto any grudges and refuse a position, based on the pain I have felt now. I must let go, and allow God to use me where ever He decides to position me.
It is not an easy thing to convince others of. Coworkers and even those closest to me are telling me that it is better to move on. My own mother has told me that I should try to look for a job in Kalispell or Cut Bank. I stopped her and told her, “You don’t like me living in Browning, do you?”
“Laura, you have had it so hard [being on the Reservation]. I just want you happy.” She’s not being racist, but she is pointing out something that is very evident. It is not easy living on the Rez. It has pained her to see me in pain.
I explained to my mother that I know that I have had it hard. I agree. I am subbing, possibly becoming a TA if/when offered, but the fact of the matter is I am staying. I am not mourning the loss of a job. I am not seeking affirmation in a person who does not determine my identity. Through this process, God is growing me and showing me that my identity lies in Him, not in what others’ determine. But I cannot leave the Rez.
There is a people who God loves here, and He has not released me from this place. Yes, it has been hard. However, I have Jesus. I have hope. How much harder is it for those who don’t know Jesus? Yes, I want to be happy. That being said, what brings me happiness is people finding Jesus and giving their lives to Him. Life is not easy, and we shouldn’t expect it to be, just because we are Christians. In fact, the opposite is true. There are Christians all over the world being persecuted for their faith...some do take the chance to move elsewhere, and it gives them opportunities to share the gospel with a new group of people. However, some refuse to leave, even at the threat of their lives. All so that others may come to know Jesus.
Somehow, a loss of a job pales in comparison to the loss of your head. And at the end of it all, if people gain Christ in the face of our lost, there is glory in it for His Name. That is that. I must stay.
