The Old Covenant in the New Testament Church

  I don't know what it is about growing up in the church.  I have friends who gave their lives to Jesus in their adulthood and the freedom of grace is a reality.  However, for myself, though I have been in the church for 25 years, and saved for 18, I matured in my faith with a lack of grace.  Which would be comical, if it wasn’t for the detriment of what that really means.  To forget living by grace is to live by works.  To live by works is to live by the law.  And it is through the law that sin brings death.  Maybe it is just me.  Maybe, this is an isolated event.  Disclaimer: the experiences I will detail, I did not confer with other Christians who have grown up in the church.  So, perhaps my concerns are singular in nature.  However, this blog is about my honest questions to God.  And one of the things I need to face is that although I say I am saved by grace and live by faith, the outcome of this faith has been motivated by so much more than what Jesus has done for me.     Everything stated in church supported the notion that we can only be saved by grace.  I grew up with an exciting energy during worship, because the congregation was assured of the love of God and the salvation obtained through Jesus, alone.  But when I grew up knowing Jesus, part of the sanctification understanding turned into a perpetual pressure to do better.  No one said anything, directly. However, the message was delivered, clearly.  I hate the idea that I may have to blame the fact that I am a product of society.      I was not only a child of the church, but a child of the Western American culture.  I have come to an understanding that some of the things I grew up with, culturally speaking, may have misrepresented Christ in my own life.  This isn’t to say that everything in the Western culture is of demonic origins.  Nevertheless, some of the values, taken at their extreme, and cherished among Christians may have led me to a belief that Jesus’ work on the cross wasn’t enough.     Besides learning about Jesus, I had learned an expectation of perfectionism.  “Don’t try; do.”  If I made a mistake, even numerous times, I was to be ashamed, because if I knew better, I should do better.  An apology given for the same offense…an offense that was committed multiple times, was no longer valid. "Sorry doesn't cut it." Perhaps it was unintentional, but I became convinced that I was never really forgiven, unless I never sinned again.  I had to prove that I was sorry.     In the Western culture, there are genuine nuggets of wisdom.  There is an emphasis on personal responsibility.  We learn that we don’t just give enough to pass the grade, but to give all of our effort.  Blessed to be a blessing, we give generously.  When we do something wrong, we must make a change.  We determine actions to hint at the status of one’s heart.  We stand strong and independent.      I wonder if that last American value is the Achilles heel in our culture, and it is the poison that seeps into even some of the godliest of church bodies.  Sure, we should be aware of when sinning, not to just act like nothing happened.  A true change is required.  But any child can reiterate the human flaw that most of us don’t learn our lessons the first time around.  So, what happens when we fall?  And fall again?  And again?  Are we beyond forgiveness?  Is repentance fruitless?      I do not mean to insinuate the need to apologize or make amends is pointless.  Even Paul stated that we were not saved just to go on sinning (Romans 6:1).  James emphasized that faith without works was dead (James 2: 14-24).  Our works are evidence of the faith we lay claim to.  Nevertheless, I have grown up feeling an immense pressure to follow rules, and when I broke them, I was beyond reconciliation.  I learned to hide things.  Still do, at some level.  Because, when I am convicted of a sin in my life, the lessons of my childhood begin to echo.  “You know better, Laura.  How could you be guilty of this?  You are not as strong of a Christian…maybe you really aren’t a Christian.  If you were a true Christian, this wouldn’t be an issue in your life.”      The American church can preach grace all we want, but until we are willing to sit in the messes of each individual, to forgive numerous times - even for the same sin; until we echo that no one is saved, nor sustained in their salvation by their own works, we will subtly let our culture influence that grace will never be enough.  The old covenant of keeping laws will persist in the New Testament church.     There no longer is a treasure in the value of being independent.  It has only taught me that I have to carry things myself.  But, I have found that things in life are hard.  I have found that I screw up over and over.  I have found that I become more depressed when I don’t have friends who can encourage me and hold me accountable.      I have become afraid.  I have become convinced that I must live to please God with every action I make, and failure to do so is a degradation of my salvation status.  I have lived SO long with a desire to want to do God’s will, but convicted of my imperfection, only discouraged that I could never do well.  If God changed my heart, then why is my heart still so full of things not of Him?  Was it just an impulse on praying the sinner’s prayer?  Was it just an emotional high at camp?  Did I just go after Jesus to protect myself from getting into trouble?     Was this Christian faith just an act?     And by the end of my questions, I pray an intense prayer to do better.  Not just a prayer.  A promise.  Unfortunately, I found myself breaking that promise.  And the cycle of hiding, self-loathing, desire for perfection and the promise of doing better is recycled.  And repeated.  I feared so much judgment; and ironically, in my lack of understanding for grace, I failed to be gracious.  I demanded works, because I was convinced of works.  In much of our Western ideology, we determine behavior to be an indicator for the motive of the heart.  And yet, sometimes, that is not the case. God looks at the heart (and in the Jewish culture, they look at the original sin as a breakage in connection with God, not merely a breaking of rules), but because I feared my heart to be too blemished, I couldn’t trust that Jesus was enough.  All because a childhood lesson told me that I had to prove my faith.       And this all continues until I learn to come back to the original sentiment that never could I do it in my own strength.  Paul addressed the Galatians on this matter of being saved by grace, but sustained by good works.  “O foolish Galatians!  Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified?  This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of law, or by the hearing of faith?  Are you so foolish?  Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect in the flesh (Galatians 3:1-2)?”  I need to get back to the place that who I am is because of Jesus and His work in me.     He loved me while I was a sinner (Romans 5:5-6), and did not wait for me to be cleaned up to get saved.  Logic also explains that if I couldn’t reach Heaven on my own, then why the heck could I believe that I would stay in Heaven on my own initiative? My righteousness cannot, nor will it ever, come from me (see Philippians 3:9).  When I have failed, I MUST remind myself of these truths.  Lack of doing so will result in going back into the old ways of living; according to works.     This does not mean that works is meaningless.  People know we are Christians by our fruit.  But the works that are evidence of a living faith are motivated from a place of worship to God, not a submission to prove myself worthy in Heaven.  The change seen is a result of repentance (turning our hearts to Jesus), a motivation of submission in the heart and lastly, an action of obedience.  This order is crucial, because if we try doing things for Christ without being in Christ, what goodness afforded is by our own glory and ultimately, still never true righteousness according to God’s standard.        It is an extremely heavy weight to believe that the status of my eternity is dependent on my goodness.  As much as I try, it really is never enough.  I am in my 30s, and I can tell you that if it isn’t my actions, the hidden thoughts and motives of my heart prove the fallacy of my perfection.  However, my righteousness depends on the One who is already righteous, and He has given me His word that He will walk me through. He is always active in my life.  He leads; I follow.      There is a scene in The Chosen, Episode 6.  A disciple went back to old habits.  When found by two others, they say, “I have faith in Jesus.  I just don’t have faith in myself.”  The statement is made from a place of discouragement.  One morning, I thought about this scene.  It is a discouraging statement, only as long as one determines that they themselves must sustain their faith.  The amazing truth is that God doesn’t leave us alone.  The Holy Spirit is with us and is at work in our lives constantly.  He is the One who makes us into His image.  And who better, but the One in whom we are being made the likeness of?     It’s time for me to get back to the new covenant.  I was saved by grace and will be sustained by grace’s work in my life.  If and when I fall, I am assured that God still loves me, and all that I have to do is come back to my Daddy, and He freely forgives me.  As I walk in amends of my sins, it is only by His strength.  This is a simple truth hard to believe in a culture of independence.  But, I am choosing Christ over culture.  And in that, my freedom on earth will persevere.  

Lonely Thoughts and Tears Caused By Mirrors

 Please do not tell her,
"Oh, you are so skinny!"
As if to say,
"You are so beautiful!"
For what happens if one day
She no longer is
Thin?

Please don't tell her
She has nothing to worry about,
Because she eats right and works out.
For what if one day 
Her figure pluses in size?

I know you mean well.
But don't you realize that these compliments
Fall
On 
This girl
Like some kind of definition?
A standard 
She struggles to uphold.

This girl knows she won't get the gold.
She turns on the TV and angels with wings
Lay the foundation of what is called "stunning".
Every other ad shows women with small, tight abs
And gives tips on how to lose every inch of fat.
This girl knows she ain't that.

But that doesn't erase the lonely thoughts...

She is slim, trim...now...sure.
But what about tomorrow?
Today, the girl decided to eat a Big Mac with fries and everything that comes with it,
Because she like the taste of the food.
But by nightfall, she is crying in the shower.
Lonely tears stream down her cheeks.
"If I was beautiful then," she thinks,
"I won't be tomorrow."

The amount of food she consumed repulses her.
She vows to stop eating;
Regurgitate this 'glutinous sin'...
The thought is temptin'...even for only a second:
Maybe if she puts her body through hell,
Maybe she can be seen worthy of heaven.

She is mindful of the flab -
No matter how small it is, how biologically necessary it is -
The fact is, she still sees it.  
Despises it.
Disgust rises in her.
She grabs the skin with fingers
Meant to dig away the 'abhorring matter'.
She makes a fist and pounds at her waistline,
Wishing it was...if only it could be...
Minimized in the next moment.

She quietly utters her plea:
"Mommy!  Help me please!"
She knows woman to woman
The struggled with the same battles.
They fought the same hurts.
But her momma is still
Haunted by the demons found in mirrors.

Everything becomes comparable.
Because the girl is closer to the model of perfection,
Her concern is bearable.
So, the girl hesitates. 
She silences her tears;
Retreats into her lonely thoughts.

How is that generations upon generations
Of women are so forlorn with their tears
Yet are in a company of desperate hurt?
How is that daughters, sisters, mothers
Are so distant in their talk
But are so empathetic in their thoughts?

Mirrors shroud and surround.
Standards are pressed; words expressed
Forcing the genuine beauty
To be forgotten.
Making it to be a foreign memory, a dream;
Unreachable.  Unattainable.

What happened to the time
Where a woman's splendor was found
In the admiration of her character
Rather than in the structure of her anatomy?

What happened to the era of Marilyn Monroe
Where women were seen as the hottest thing on the block -
Because of their smile, voice, integrity and kindness
And not because they lacked a waistline?

Doors must be opened;
Tears cannot be hidden.
Girls, we cannot convince ourselves
That silence will protect a peaceful pacifism.
We need to confess our sorrows.
However, the pain cannot be possessed.

There will be a morning full of healing.
We shall stand confident,
Direct - Our smiles reflecting
That the scars no longer wound us.
Knowing 
We have finally remembered
The fabulous women we are.

Little girls:
Stare into the mirror
That has caused so many lonely tears and thoughts.
Dare the piece of glass to recall
The innocent days when you looked into your face
And knew without being taught
That you had been graciously and wonderfully shaped.

Little girls:
You are stunning, truly beautiful -
Beyond all compare and comment,
Above all reproach.
Magnificent.  You are
Adorned with a joyous, entrancing life
Carrying an elegant delight wherever you step.
You are captivating; ravishing.
You are an immeasurable treasure
That was brilliantly formed.
You are whole just as you are.

(Written in 2013)

What Does it Mean to Worship

The drum beats, claps, thunks and bangs.
The bass hits the low notes
And the electric guitar fingers a sweet slide.
The piano and keys harmonize
Eloquently and fearlessly.
This has got to be good worship.

The congregation starts to sing the words on the wall.
We do the two-step sway and get 'into it'.
At the right time, I let air flow under my feet.
I stretch my arms in surrender on the right beat.
The worship leader's neck is flexed as she pours out
Her vulnerable soul before You.
This must be great worship.

The lyrics are penetrating if attention is paid.
They speak things proclaimed in Your Word.
If spoken by the pastor, someone would shout, "Amen!"
A man next to me breaks down; he can barely stand.
Maybe tears can roll down my cheek...
This is amazing worship.

Pause.

Mute the melodies;
Shut down the sound board
For a moment please.

What does it mean to worship You?
To glorify Your name and praise You
Independent of my heart's ability to sing?
What does it mean to fall to my knees,
Because I am unworthy to look upon Your face
And yet...You still welcome me?

What does it mean to sit before You
And fully realize that I am in the presence of the Almighty God?
I am completely welcomed, but so out of place.
Miracle of lavishly, unwithheld grace:
What does it mean
When I jump, dance and shout -
There is an immeasurable and uncontrollable joy inside of me?

What does it mean to mean the words?
Throw out the dictionary of religious language.
When I intertwine my fingers and utter petitions
There is more than walls that listen.
Something yanks on my heart and aches until I mind.
Simple words are all that is said; sometimes only a groan.

What does it mean to worship You?
Darken the stage.  Hide behind the closet.
Away from looking eyes - only room for the intimate.
No more drumbeats or cymbals.  No more strings.
Where no one can see and no one can peer
Except for You.
Perhaps worship is more invisible.

Not only in the melodic notes, but found in silence.
Not only in spoken prayers, but found in listening.
Not only in the excitement of revelation and grace,
But found in the desire to sit at Your feet.
Perhaps worship is more tangible when we
Forsake our natural senses
To come before You. 

(Written in 2013)