“There are four girlish dreams that most girls have when they are little,” wrote Beth Moore in the Breaking Free Bible study I’m working through with my mentor. “They are: to be a bride, to be beautiful, to have children, and to have a happily ever after.” And just with that statement, all the healing I gained up until now suddenly was lost. Not again. What is it with church women saying that girls want to be married and have kids? Is that still the expectation? Frankly, I am OVER it. Among the Christian community, we constantly put out information about how the world is sexualizing our children, objectifying our girls and women with provocative clothing - and I would agree. Nevertheless, from my observation and experience, I have found that the church wants to point fingers at the world, but frankly, we have committed the same error. Beauty. Things are changing now. The focus is now on being healthy, not skinny. But it hasn’t always been that way. Since Twiggy broke the cover of modeling, skinny became the standard. I remember growing up - I always met that standard. “You’re skinny,” as if it was a compliment. “You got a great figure. You could wear a two-piece swimsuit if you wanted.” Christian family members were telling me these things. Maybe I did grow up in a legalistic environment, but I was taught that my body was precious, and it was important to guard it and not just let anyone have a gander at my beauty in its full display. So, why all of a sudden is the message okay for me to show more? “You have great legs. You can show them off.” Yeah…my dad didn’t earn any points when he said that to me. Most dads are telling their daughters to stay covered up. They dread the day their little girls mature, knowing they will catch the eye of the male species and no longer will need them (just kidding on the species comment). They employ the assistance of brothers to spy and protect the innocence of their girls. So, being told that it was okay for me to show myself off - especially a component of my body that keeps a man’s gaze downward doesn’t seem uplifting. And I get it! All these people were trying to say was that I look great. But, why didn’t they just say so? Why was the size of my waist commented on more than just complimented on that I am beautiful. My mother has told me that she has told me I look gorgeous and beautiful; I just don’t remember. And frankly, maybe she’s right. But this is something I can say with confidence (though that would be an awkward description to use in light of the topic being written): I was told I was skinny more than I was told I was beautiful. And thereby, led into a continuing pressure to stay skinny, or else…Or else, I believed, I would cease to be beautiful. Beauty was not explored so much about my character or personality. It was substantiated by the form of my body and by what I wore. It was also defined by what I did or refrained from doing. I believe the church culture has idolized marriage. It has claimed that there is a purpose to every season of life, but then single adults are continually asked if they have met someone. Ironically, there is an expectation that singleness is just for a season. As if it will be temporary. And if someone is still single, then they are looked at as not moving along in life, or able to step into the callings of God sufficiently until they get a life-long partner. From a woman's perspective, the requirements become more narrow. Ministries cater to wives and mothers. It’s not just enough to be a wife. I have to be attractive. Wearing dresses will show my femininity more so. If I want to impress a man, helping on a construction site isn’t the way to go; I should cook a fancy meal. Cause, that’s the way to win a man’s heart! Please. Don’t make me gag. Oh wait. I’ve been holding my indigestion from this mess. That’s why I’m writing about it. Sure, being objectified in the church doesn’t look exactly like the world’s manifestation. No pastor would advocate that women should suddenly start stripping completely in the name of finding one’s confidence (at least, I sure hope not). But there is an expectation of how a godly woman should look and behave, to be considered blessed, and be able to bless others. A wife and mother. Right…those are two of the four girlish dreams girls have. So, what happens if a girl didn’t grow up wanting to be either of those things? Was she lacking something? Is she being selfish? Instead of begging me to get hitched, why don’t I try having healthy friendships instead? Instead of reminding me about my biological clock, why not equip me to step confidently in the spheres of influence that God does have for me, in my life at this moment? Because…if I’m supposed to be a wife and mother- and if, by remaining single and failing to do “elegant” things is holding me back from my purpose, then I think I’m in trouble. And yet, there is something in me that tells me that the objectification in church is just as damaging as the sexualization of Hollywood. I have believed that I am not feminine enough. In the world of gender confusion, I have found myself confused on my worth and dignity as a woman, even as a Christian. I have believed that no godly man would ever really want me, if they got to know me. “I would be too much like a man for him.” The alternative is not helpful. What attention I did receive from men was majority negative. In high school, a boy wanted to date me, and he had a fetish with porn and death. When I was 26 years old, an unknown man messaged me on social media, asking if he could have sex with me, video it, and he would pay me $100 for it. The irony is that I seem to get along with guys just fine - I actually seem to make more male friends than female - but in the sphere of romance, even if I thought a man was cute, I would double check myself, because I wonder if the guy is just a pig, anyway. And if he wasn’t…he would find out that I’m not his kind of girl, because…well, I don’t fit the image the church has declared to be fitting of a woman. What does it mean to be a woman, beyond that of my XX chromosomes? I don’t think it’s limited to my marital status or lineage, but it’s also not about exhibiting my body in its full glory. In my searching, I have found some Christians say there really isn’t much of a difference between masculinity and femininity. That actually doesn’t help, because although I know there is a spectrum, I also know there is a division between the male and female. Yesterday, my internship had a class with Niko Kapoor**, a pastor from Edinburgh, Scotland. We looked at the biblical definitions of masculinity and femininity from the perspective of Genesis 1-3. Niko pointed out that gender is more than skin deep or wearing clothes: “You were told that you needed to wear more dresses, but if a man wears a dress, it doesn’t make him a woman. So, gender is more than what you wear.” The following details this discussion:
I couldn’t believe the freedom I was gaining just from a 2.5 hour class! I finally had a definition of femininity - that wasn’t built on what kind of object I could become, but rather on the design God has for me, since the moment of creation. There was direction, but it wasn’t limited. As a woman, I can join what work God is commissioning. I can nurture relationships with friends, students, and other people I meet. I can bring beauty through my writing and photography. There was no explicit statement that to be a godly woman I had to wear tons of dresses, measure my waistline or prove to be the perfect housewife. The only object I have to become more like is in the image of the Father who made me. I do hold a femininity that can glorify God, but it is not like other women around me.
After all, not every woman has the same calling, nor will minister to the same kinds of people. Just as with men, God has designed each woman for a specific purpose that they only can fill. If we were all the same, then only certain groups would be reached with the gospel. The differences in our character, personality, and the spectrum of our femininity allows for our work, as women, to flourish in different parts of the world, so that the beauty of Jesus can be nurtured in the hearts of everyone. It wasn’t good for man to be alone; somehow, I have a feeling that it is okay that we have our differences, as women. It is more than okay. It is good. **Niko Kapoour, Purposed Zoom Class. June 8, 2023.
