Only close to two years married. By no means a sage of wisdom on this matter, but here are a few things God has been teaching me.
Your spouse is your partner, not your project. Life is not going to be perfect, and after marriage, there will be more to see of one’s flaws and vices than what may have been known during the courtship period. Thing is, we aren’t supposed to be in a relationship with someone in hopes that they eventually become a person we can build a life with. We date them, because we believe we can build a life with them. If we are trying to build a relationship with someone, in order that they may fit our image, then the truth is the relationship is going to be self-serving, and the other person will feel like they never measure up or are being used. Neither feeling shouts love.
Marriage is not an escape from your past. What issues - whether it’s recent or been a long time - will creep into your marriage. Especially when wounds haven’t totally been healed. Often we marry someone, as a reflection (familiarity) or a response (wanting something different) to our own child-rearing years. Triggers - whether it be a tone, behavior or phrase - can come swinging at any moment. It can become tempting to see your spouse as a perpetuator of any abused incurred in life. The challenge is to look at a conflict at all different perspectives and evaluate. Easier said than done. But knowing that your past can influence your present helps to inform your role and responsibility.
Healing from the past comes from your response to present triggers. Triggers inform our bodies and minds that we are in danger. However, when these triggers occur in a safe setting, it’s important to breathe, and see the situation for what it is (to clarify, I’m not negating the REAL concern of abusive relationships…take that evidence and address it, as much as you can). Healing comes in knowing that you can find yourself in a disagreement or conflict and realize there isn’t anything to fear. And when you work through the trigger and find a safe place, healing can happen. It is ok if it is a process.
Your spouse is going to fail you. No person is perfect, but there is a special kind of pain when it comes from family. There is an unspoken agreement that the person who you decided to spend the rest of your life with won’t harm you. Thing is, it’s going to happen; you’ll get hurt. Seeking for the intention and effectively communicating needs without accusation will encourage grace and growth. Secondly, we must remember that we, ourselves, are prone to sin and, unfortunately, will fall to sin. We will fail our spouse, too. If we want mercy, then we should be merciful. This doesn’t excuse behavior, or seek to never address it, but it does mean that in addressing a matter, the hope is to work towards reconciliation.
Remind yourself why you love -and like - this person. I wonder if gratitude is the emotional glue for marriages. Bringing these things to mind helps bring joy in the good times, and perseverance for the hard times. It restores a relationship and encourages the emotion of, “THIS is why I chose you!”
Boundaries are grace in action. Often, boundaries has been a term high jacked to blur controlling the individual. However, boundaries are just stipulating what is acceptable for YOUR own self, and the steps YOU will resume to accommodate their choice of behavior. It protects from being bulldozed, but it also allows a person the freedom to choose what they want to do.
Marriage is a journey, not a destination. Getting to the wedding is just the start. Which means that there is a whole lotta growing before getting old!! Different years and chapters still bring in new things and focuses. The power of marriage is staking the ground and growing together - and that is a long-haul process. And remember, it’s not just about them growing; it is just as much about your sanctification in self-reflection, too.
Have safeguards. What lines do you and your spouse agree on to help guard its sanctity? The devil loves ALL KINDS of tampering…including adultery, disagreement, and encouraging insecurities. What “rules” are in place to keep your marriage healthy and growing in health? (KEY: respect, how it looks and sounds like is a huge indicator).
Healthy communication skills are a must. Engage in telling your spouse what’s going on in your head; don’t expect them to read your mind. Also, employ healthy forms and put away the unhealthy (blaming, put-downs, dismissals). “When this happens, I feel this, because…” Hear one another out. There are two perspectives on the same problem, be open to seeing things from a distant vantage point. Navigate when it is something to address or when it is time to let go (easier said than done; a lot of asking God for help in this department). Focus on the objective, not just make personal jabs. And as important as it is to address the negative things (conflict), also remember to mention the positives (gratitude).
Keep loving on and being respectful to the person as much as you can, even when you don’t feel like it. In marriage, we desire to feel loved, but it is important to practicing loving our spouse, even when they fail in being loving towards us. Yes, we can all cite Ephesians 5…but we are not released of our vows and responsibility to love, in spite of how well or negligent our spouse loves us. Above all, we still love our spouse, even in their lack, because we are honoring Jesus while doing so. Be mindful of differing love languages. Many confused feelings occur, because one spouse is loving the other as they understand love, and yet, they aren’t speaking the same language. Learn how your spouse receives love best.
Grow in a secure attachment with Jesus. Being loved is a REAL need. On the topic of finding out that your spouse is unfortunately, NOT the perfect image of Jesus, they will fail you. In their failure, it will be an easy temptation to question if you married the right person. Diving into having a healthy and thriving relationship with Jesus will help bring balance, but more so, an ability to persevere in love when it’s hard to do. Again, easier said than done. Especially, if you have insecure attachments with previous relationships, whether it be family, social or romantic.
Find opportunities to stay engaged and flirty. Not about the grandiose gestures, although, that is nice. Different chapters will require different adjustments. But finding the little things that can be done on a regular basis helps tell your spouse you still want them. A simple kiss, holding their hand…other physical flirting brings a smile while in the mundane.
Be aware of what is within your responsibility, your history, and how it influences the now. Your past does shape your present, and your present shapes your future. No one gets married holding an empty suitcase; not even the ones who come from the healthiest families. Recognize the wounds you may carry, how it affects your perspective, responses and expectations. Building safety in a marriage will take time, and that’s ok. Where you find an incongruence, take the proper steps to amend the outcome. And sometimes, the outcome is more about you than the situation, but that is case to case. It’s not always your spouse that needs fixing for things to carry on.
Get a circle of friends that you both can mutually trust. A rule of thumb I like to have: as a woman, I won’t talk to another woman whom I’m not comfortable with her husband knowing that information. Even if confidentiality is practiced, I act as if both spouses will know. Find people who will support BOTH of you in your marriage. Willing to see both sides, where both sides can be heard. That the couples you pick will fight for you in prayer and in friendship. Not everyone can fit this…some people carry their own trauma, others will naturally be biased (i.e. parents), others lack experience. The biases often can persuade a negative opinion of one, even if it’s unfair to do so.
Find godly wisdom from a healthy, long lived marriage. Speaking on experience, it’s best to find a couple who have lived holding onto those vows through thick and thin on the LONG HAUL. The irony of writing a blog on marital lessons as a newlywed isn’t lost. But in writing this, I’m trying to remind myself, for when there will be hard times. Some of the things I’m writing are things I’m learning, as I go, but others are wisdom gleaned from married vets. On the note of younger couples, it’s not wrong to ask them to pray for you. But they are not likely toto ask for advice.
Pray for your spouse. It’s easy to pray for a spouse while they are in their weakness. For “their” good, but really, to better “your” life. Maybe their vice truly is a sin, but I have been challenged to pray for certain areas, not just for how it affects me, but for their sake. Not in a sort of religious way - “if they could just this together, they’d be more godly” - but rather, seeking God’s wholeness and healing for THEM.
God isn’t going to send someone who is exactly just like you. No…in His humor and wisdom, you’ll often marry someone who has a different personality, temperament, sometimes even perspective. It’s all about how where one is strong where the other has a weakness. We’re not called to tear them down in that area, but rather, help encourage and build up. Sometimes, what you accomplish together is more expansive than apart, because the different variables pull in different gifts and interests.
