I just finished my last blog post (please do take time to read it to understand the full picture; it can be found at http://honesttogodletters.blogspot.com/2018/07/beauty-on-rez-reflection-on-addressing.html), when I realized that it wasn’t the full story. I didn’t share it with anyone, because I realized though it’s intention was to educate white folks/those growing up off the Rez, it may in turn, stir up old hurting sentiments for Natives. In an effort to stand up for my friends and new family, I may have undermined creating unity, by carrying the offenses from 200 years ago. If there is another thing I have grasped since my time living on the Blackfeet Rez, it is the fact that the judgments have gone both ways; the prejudicial hesitations and negative expectations and stereotypes to the “other” group is not one sided.
This post might offend. However, maybe that’s what’s needed. Surely, the offenses are real, but how one
reacts must also be addressed. So, with
that, here are my thoughts… I don’t mean
to blame anyone. I don’t mean to
justify anyone, either. I mean to bring
to light a new concern after the sins of our great-great-great grandfathers’
generation poured out a demise.
There has been a personal hurt, as well as
general. I feel very uncomfortable in an
all, or majority, white area. I know that
I can blend right in with whites, because I am, obviously white. And yet, going back to my hometown, I sit up stiffened
and anxious about what kinds of questions I may be asked for living on the
Rez. I expect people to ask questions that are bent toward a negative
stereotype of Natives. I expect people to make jokes about Natives
still living in teepees, and to laugh at their slang and accents. I have been told that it’s pretty amazing to live on
the Blackfeet Rez, because someone wouldn’t dare step foot in the capital of
Browning. There was a question in the
congratulations of me getting a job on the Rez when I first moved here. I have been told that I should stop talking
Indian…and yet, they love telling other folks how I, their family, is turning
Indian.
Honestly, it hurts. A lot.
How can people – the ones I am speaking of are called Christians – think
so negatively of people they have never met? And yet, in the process of me living here, I
have become fully aware of the racist remarks and negative stereotyping. I was always taught by my parents that race
is just a color, and so racism is something I despise deeply. Martin Luther King, Jr. was my hero growing up, so that underlines something. I despise racism to the point that I always
prepare for the sly comments that may come.
I am tempted to not go visit family and friends back in Missoula,
because I don’t want to hear it. It hurts
too much what has been said. And yet,
these friends and family, even strangers, I have dubbed to be “the enemy”.
This is where I have taken the wrong
turn. The Bible says that we don’t war
with flesh and blood (see 2 Corinthians 10:3; Ephesians 6:12). The true enemy is Satan and his hordes of
demons. In the process of trying to
protect the wounds of one group, the other has projected their own attack and
only defined anyone ‘fair complected’ as arrogant and racist…It’s affective as
well. The racist comments from whites
are brought into full view. Furthermore,
education of the Boarding School era can sometimes go beyond a sense of
teaching, but many white folks feel like
they are being blamed for what happened so many decades ago.
Within my first year of teaching here, I
was told a handful of times that I
was the one who took land from Natives.
My thoughts shouted back in defense, “I must look good for 200 years
old, hunh?” I have been told to go back
to where I come from, and I then wondered, “Do you mean Missoula? Colorado?”
After all, that’s where I grew up, and where I was born. If they meant my European ‘native’ lands –
where? None of the nations where I
descended from would claim me as theirs, because I was not born there, nor am I
a citizen. Yes, I have felt those
attacks, as well.
However, in all this mess, and an onslaught
of seeing a new perspective of all that I grew up to know the Industrial Revolution,
I internalized the guilt of the past, and mixed it with my disdain of
racism. One afternoon, I was walking and
thinking about the Boarding School era and was becoming guilt-ridden over the
fact of what happened. It was sickening. But then, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper to
me, “[If you married a Native] and had a white child, would you be okay with that? What if your husband wanted a child that
looked like their mother?” I wanted to
say, “Yes, that would be okay,” but I knew the truth was the opposite. I was ashamed of my skin color. So, I had hated the racism and picked up the
offenses of my community in order to prove that I am not repeating the sins of
my great-great-great grandfather’s generation committed over 200 years ago.
And yet, God has told me that the shame is
not mine to bear (though, indeed it is my responsibility to learn about the
past). Furthermore, for any whites who happen
to have a bent of racism, I must forgive them.
Both sides, ultimately, are guilty of pointing the finger at the other
party. The irony is that each side has a
part of the whole story, but in their defense, refuse to listen and make
peace. In summary:
What Natives are Tired of:
People only thinking of the negative when thinking about their people
and the place they live. They are tired
of feeling like they have to prove themselves. They are tired of being made fun of, and
being only seen for the past, and not their present and future. They are tired of being a forgotten people.
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What Whites are Tired of: Having to feel like it’s their
(i.e. the present generations) fault for what happened in the past and having
to seemingly pay for it in some way.
|
Where They Went Wrong:
Expecting that every white individual is racist, and only sees the
negative. Becoming resentful and
harboring the past offenses toward the present and future generations. Becoming defensive and pointing at the
other party’s offense.
|
Where They Went Wrong:
Only pointing out the negative, or never mentioning Natives, aside
from the past. Thinking and looking down on reservations and Native people. Becoming defensive and pointing at the
other party’s offense.
|
The truth is – what happened
happened. Was it okay? Never!
Even Germany has made it illegal to deny the Holocaust of the Jews – we should
also admit what happened and learn from it.
But the purpose in learning is to make the future better. We must break the cycle somehow, and up to
this point, we have continued it. Maybe
the American genocide is no longer happening, but the resentment and hatred has
continued to be fueled. I believe that
both parties have things to repent for: racism and resentment. Both these two sins can be found in both “groups”,
by the way. Secondly, we must forgive
the other party. If Jesus forgave us
(individually), then He is willing to forgive those who have hurt us. We must too.
Lastly, we need to ask the Holy Spirit where we’ve been harboring
feelings of resentment and becoming defensive, as well as looking negatively at
another group, solely based on the color of their skin. We need to ask Him to renew our thoughts and
actions, whether if the offensive person passes us or not.
I find a beautiful paradox that in the midst
of the bitter actions that occurred in the 1820s-1980s, God could bring two
racially different groups together as family.
Who would’ve thunk that Natives and whites can go for a hike, laugh,
hangout at a fire pit and make memories together? Who could’ve imagined that I would have siblings and family, nephews
and nieces – of a different tribe? Who
would’ve known that whites and Natives could pray and praise the same God, for
the restoration, salvation and healing of our community (notice the term of
togetherness). You see, in Christ, we
are no longer two racial groups, but rather one family. It is the devil who
seeks to destroy, dissuade, and divide.
Let’s not – especially as Christians - fall for his schemes. Rather,
let us band together: throw off the things that are meant to entangle us into a
cyclical bondage that we are suddenly blinded and cannot remove. Let us remember that in heaven, there is one
God of many nations worshipping together.
Until that day, may we seek one another’s benefit and assistance. It’s time that we live as brothers.
v
[My
own reflection and prayer on this essay]
Daddy
God, in defense for my Native loved ones, I’ve become resentful toward racist whites. I have subsequently clumped all whites to be
racist, and thus, have practiced a form of racism myself. It has turned into even hating myself and not
seeing how You want to use me on a Reservation.
All of this is not right. To
pre-judge anyone’s thoughts before they open their mouth isn’t right, and
surely, I hate having it done to me.
God, I am sorry. I know it is
okay to have a righteous indignation, but it’s not okay to let it turn into
hate. Help me to love anyone who is
racist, and only seeing the negative in another group (no matter the offending
party or who the hate is targeted towards).
God, give me the heart You have.
Help me to see that they are believing a lie and give me the grace to
speak the truth – in love. In Jesus’
name, Amen.
