Blessing: God's Father's Heart Benefits Us

 A thought: So often, we want God's blessings and favor poured out on our lives, and sometimes, I wonder, if we misunderstand what His blessing and favor are. We often assume that it is the good stuff, or the things, people, answers to prayers where we get the "happy ending" story. But what if God's blessings and favor are the things, that as a Father, He seeks to BENEFIT us, whether the outcome brings a battle or a smile? Can we trust that God is good - and means good for us - even when we lack a tangible or visible good? Can we believe we are blessed, while in poverty, in suffering, in trials, being corrected, while in doubt or lonely, because we have been redeemed by and have a relationship with Jesus? Or do we only believe we are blessed when we are in the company of abundance?

The Casualty of a Broken World?

How do I enter Your gates With praise, while I wake With tormenting thoughts in the night? It isn’t fair that the dawn Meant to bring new mercies Ushers in new fears.

The burden of sorrow
Remains in the absence
Of their presence;
No memory created; and yet,
Their existence is not forgotten.

Was this just an ambush of the devil?
Were not enough prayers lifted

To actualize Your will tangibly?
Is taking thoughts captive
Equate as denial?

I do not mean to speak
Sacrilegious heresies against Your throne.
However, if I silence articulations
Plaguing my dreams, I fear
The toll it will steal from my faith.

In Your sovereignty,
Where was Your rescue for them?
Is it to be consolation
That my brother and I survived,
Though the other was a casualty
Of a broken creation?
I know they knew no pain
Beyond death’s grave;
But is that supposed to serve as comfort?

Why were they not allotted
Your protection?
You are God; Lord of all things!
Why didn’t they receive the favor of life?
Or is Your response that
Their breath is one which will never end?

I cannot tell if my torment
Is out of guilt or jealousy.
Because of former stings, I quake
For my children’s lives.
What kind of life is that for a mother -
Cowering, instead of
Carrying hope and joy?
Is this what soldiers feel
After a battle’s finish?
God, I do not seek death.
I just wish they lived.

There are no pictures;
No gender announcements;
No name
Save that which heaven hosts.
And I must wait until my death
To greet them.
Not knowing if their life was snuffed

To serve as a mercy
Killing - no…You are not sadistic.
Such an action would hint a choice
As an avoidance of pain
Rather than carrying compassion
For the one enduring Lucifer’s influence.

Where is Your glory
Between
The silent and hidden past
And
The restoration for the future?
This isn’t even my child I mourn!
They were my mother’s,
However!

Perhaps there has been a grief
I have not been allowed to weep
Why would You choose me to live
And they die?
Did they see You move in their short story?
Lastly, because of their tale,
Along with others’ who remain untold,
Must any of my children suffer
Their shadow?  Or will You intervene?
Please…in the name of Jesus,
Break this cycle that plagues my family,
Haunts my mind
And robs my joy.

I don’t understand
Why You move and when
And when You refrain…
Why some are rescued now
And others have to wait until eternity.
Even asking these questions
Feels as if I’m in rebellion.

But if You were willing to suffer
Peter’s comparison to John,
And was willing to enter the mud and
Wrestle with Jacob for a new name,
Then can You bring solace
To a heart that hasn’t ever been given
The space to bury a sibling
And mourn a life that is wished
Could have been?
Maybe if there was a grave,
I could believe death
Would not have its resurrection.

#PPDAwareness  #Miscarriage  #TraumaInformedChristianity