The Mess of Forgiveness

 “Resentment grows when…           *We put God-sized expectations on humans           *We deny responsibility in the name of unaffordability           *Inaction is taken in the presence of sin and is called mercy           *We are encouraged to be silent in the face of hurt           *We require an apology before extending forgiveness           *We speak of reconciliation as an expectation before trust has been earned and repentance has been admitted.” -Journal entry: February 11, 2025

    Forgiveness is one of those things that brings a word of encouragement on a Sunday morning, but in its practicality, it is hard to live out.  Even harder than processing an offense in of itself, is when the offense has been perpetuated either by recurring instances, poisoned arrows are targeted at the core worth and/or identity of the victim, or the offense was committed by one whom betrayal should have never been a suggestion. As a Christian, forgiveness is discussed as a requirement of the one who has been hurt.  After all, Jesus died so that we can be forgiven our sins. Nevertheless, any Sunday sermon on the topic quickly includes reconciliation.  A restoration of a relationship.  For those of us who have deep grievances, making reconciliation a requirement of forgiveness can often have the reverse effect.  “If I have to reconcile with the one who hurt me to prove that I have forgiven someone, is forgiveness even possible?” Furthermore, requiring reconciliation too soon can remove the safeguards needed so that the sin isn’t repeated. 
    Within my own journey of forgiveness, it has come in stages.  I learned to avoid my offenders by running away.  I have learned to tolerate limited engagements (because I knew growing up that reconciliation “had” to be a thing). God challenged me that avoidance wasn’t truly forgiveness, and constantly being triggered was evidence that I wasn’t fully healed.  Part of my forgiveness journey was learning to confront the one who sinned against me.  And yet, even in confrontation, there are still areas where I feel as if I am not heard.  The offenses keep coming.  I’m tired of the B.S. and I frankly, am to the point that I wonder if the solution to my pain and ending the person’s sin is to put them on blast and distance myself completely from the individual.  Not only for the safety of my own heart, but that of my family’s.
    But what of reconciliation?
    What of it?  Don’t my scars carry enough evidence that reconciliation isn’t possible?  Every time I give room for a chance, not only does my anxiety spike at the mention of their presence, but it never fails that something happens to prove the person has not changed.  So…reconciliation…can it even be a thing, right now? And the cycle of wondering if I’m just sensitive or if the matter is truly of sin, feeling defeated for the relationship, as well as my own spiritual well-being continues.
    Until recently.
    I just finished reading about Joseph in the book of Genesis.  The spoiled little brother, who after being sold into slavery, became second-in-command to a Pharaoh in the time of immense drought (see his story in Genesis 37, 39-43).  From his brothers’ perspectives, they had a “right” to be offended, because their father’s favoritism became overt and love appeared conditional.  From Joseph’s perspective, he had a “right” to be offended, because those he should have been able to trust the most for his well-being betrayed him. Initially intent on killing him, but thankfully was deterred by another temptation: financial gain. But frankly, which was worse? 
    Nevertheless, the time came when all the brothers were face to face after several years.  Perhaps two decades worth.  Unlike his teenage years, Joseph had gained some power; and he could yield it however he chose.  And yet, Joseph did not smear his brothers’ sin to the Egyptians.  He did not refrain from helping them in their need.  In fact, he paid for their portion of grain.  But he also inquired of their history.  He did, technically, falsely charge them as spies, and even while waiting for the youngest brother to make an appearance, required that one man be held in prison.  Joseph even set up a test to see if his brothers’ hearts had changed from vengeance and committing sin to turning toward repentance.  Was forgiveness and reconciliation displayed completely in a healthy way?  I’m sure that opinions can vary, but, as I am learning to grow in this area of my life, I noticed several things:
          -Joseph served God as faithfully as he could, while his life was not the most fair (i.e. enslaved, sexually tempted, then charged with sexual assault, and lastly, put into prison when he was innocent)
          -He did not (as far as we can tell from Scripture) talk about the betrayal of his brothers among unrelated parties (he didn’t go around gossiping about his pain)
          -He was willing to bless his brothers, even when it was unknown if they were repentant
          -He DID give a test to see if his brothers’ hearts had changed
          -He did not require them to pay for their past sins
          -Time was allowed to pass before attempting any form of meeting, and reconciliation
          -He credited God’s hand and grace in the midst of their error (see Genesis 50:19-20)
    So what does this mean for me?  For those of us who have been hurt by the ones - especially by the ones whom we should have never been hurt?  The topic of forgiveness and reconciliation is tricky, not because of its doctrine (although navigating grace and justice in its practical form in an effort to balance the two is quite the feat in itself), but because of the reality of what it will look like, honestly, will vary case by case. 
    Forgiveness is an unconditional requirement when we have been sinned against, because Jesus provided for our salvation even while we were sinners.  But reconciliation is conditional based on trust being regained.  It is a goal to aim for, but sometimes, because repentance hasn’t been displayed, a restoration of the relationship cannot result.  And perhaps the offender has made their attempt, but in discussing trauma, triggers are a real thing, and so time…even if it means waiting until eternity…may be required.  It’s a hard lesson to learn, but a good one, because if any of us find ourselves having sinned against someone, repenting on the part of bringing healing for the wounded rather than just staying on “good terms” must be required so that repentance proves genuine.
    Forgiveness is not just letting things go.  Which is perhaps why one can be stuck at forgiveness, but remain jaded at the thought of reconciliation.  We feel that to forgive means to not require boundaries.  Keep our traps shut about our pain.  Just get along. 
    But that isn’t what it is.  Forgiveness, as far as I have studied in the Bible, is just releasing the problem to God.  Allowing Him to take care of the person who hurt us (see Psalm 10:14).  And sometimes - opposite of what we wish - that means the way God desires to care for our offender is for us to restore the person.
    Note that I didn’t write “restore the relationship”.  I wrote “restore the person”.  In this discussion of forgiveness, does our hurting hearts require the offender to be shamed and feel the depravity of their sin, or do we desire that the guilty one be carried and their relationship with God be restored?  Forgiveness is - as challenging as it is to admit - requires those of us who have become victims of other peoples’ sins to trust that God must do the avenging (even if that is the form of His mercy and grace), and our next step is when the time comes that we can either tear down the one who offended us or seek to bless, we seek to bless. We desire that God would restore that person to have a right relationship with God and with others (see Galatians 6:1-5).  We seek their benefit, rather than their demise.  God’s justice isn’t just about righting a wrong, but also pointing the offender to a better way (i.e. difference between  punitive punishment where we want wrath rained down or wanting discipline where they have a consequence that can teach them and enable them to be better).  “If it is possible…live peaceably with all men…if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink…Overcome evil with good (see whole passage in Romans 12:17-21).”
    But recognize that just because forgiveness was at work in Joseph’s life (the starting hints are the fact that he worked faithfully and had a godly character even when he was wronged) doesn’t mean reconciliation wasn’t a thought.  Even as a slave, could Joseph have wondered if he would see his family again?  Forgiveness is required, but reconciliation may take time.  And sometimes, it may not happen at all.  Even though Jesus died for everyone to be able to get saved doesn’t mean everyone is going to go to heaven, automatically.  We must put our trust in Him and His work for our souls to be reconciled with the Creator in Heaven, that we may be called children of God.  In the same, I don’t think Joseph would have invited his family to live in Goshen (outskirts of Egypt), if he didn’t know he could trust his brothers. 
    Nevertheless, reconciliation must remain a goal.  Again, this will look differently for each situation where an offense has been incurred.  This may mean apologizing and making jokes again.  It may mean having dinner together where it once was avoided.  It may mean a healed marriage.  Sometimes it may look like remaining divorced but wishing the other person well.  It may look like praying for the criminal that killed a family member.  It may look like never seeing each other again, because trust has never been restored.  Reconciliation IS dependent on if trust can be restored.  A way to differentiate forgiveness compared to reconciliation is that forgiveness is a restoration of relationship with God, whereas reconciliation is restoration of the relationship with the person.  Sometimes reconciliation can happen; and sometimes it never can happen.  And the reality also remains that some sins have legal ramifications that can extend beyond God-given reconciliation, so what can be accomplished on earth can be limited.  But reconciliation cannot happen if forgiveness is not desired.
    Forgiveness can always be extended, even if it isn’t the time to be reconciled, or even if reconciliation never occurs.  The goal of forgiveness is seeking God’s heart for the person who hurt us, whatever that may be.  Forgiveness allows our hearts to be humble enough to let God open a door of reconciliation, when the time is right.  It may be hours, days, or years.  But do we - who have been hurt (though in need of being wise like serpents, also be innocent as doves) believe that reconciliation is possible?
    For many of us, that is the greatest challenge, because in our present moment, all we see is the sin.  We see the pride or defensiveness.  We see how there is no apology and lack of intent for needed change.  And with all this talk of forgiveness and reconciliation, it is hard, because we can battle feeling like we are being told to let our guards down when we don’t know if we can.  

     The greatest obstacle to true reconciliation is refraining from conflict.  In the name of forgiveness, we have chosen to be ‘peacekeepers’ rather than ‘peacemakers’, because that’s “more gracious”.  Conflict is not comfortable; in its nature, it is painful.  But to remain silent has caused greater wounds than speaking up ever has.  Personally, I am finding that it is more gracious to let my offenders know they have hurt me, because I have given them the chance to know an area where they need to grow.  And when I have spoken up in love, I have found that I am less likely to hold resentment.
    To speak in love…golly, that is hard!  Because when I have been hurt, I just want my offender to feel what I have felt.  I instinctively believe that must be required for them to learn repentance.  Dang!!  And yet, even in forgiveness and reconciliation, I am still responsible for myself.  I am not responsible for the offender’s original actions toward me, or even how they may respond to my confrontation. 
    But I am responsible for my heart’s intent towards them.  Even my intention will influence how I confront someone.  Even my heart’s intent will encourage how I respond if a door of reconciliation is opened.   When I have been hurt by someone, I am required to answer the questions, “Am I seeking what I want or what God wants in this situation?  Am I seeking for the other person to be reconciled to Him, no matter what they have done, and even if the relationship survives or not?  Am I focused on the behavior and not just the person?”  The root of these questions really come down to: Do I want God to redeem this person, and do I believe He can do it? 
    As I have said before, we do a disservice to our hurting when we communicate forgiveness and reconciliation to be 1) synonymous, or 2) must happen simultaneously or 3) forgo proper boundaries for safety.  However, they are related, and it is God’s desire for reconciliation to happen, if at all possible.  But before reconciliation with our offenders can occur, we must have restoration of the hurting heart.  And for a heart to no longer be wounded, it must refrain from running away, refusing to stay silent besides gossip, and most of all, the heart needs to learn to trust God’s goodness and love toward them, and also believe it for the sinner.  We all have sinned against someone before, and if we can see God’s reconciliation in us, how can we not want it for those who have hurt us?  Easier said than done, though.  With all this written, here’s to the doors that God is challenging me to step through…one moment at a time…one step at a time.

God's Got a Great Plan for You...it's Just Not about You.

 “And God sent me before you to preserve a posterity [remnant; remaining] for you in the earth, and to save your lives by  great deliverance.  So now, it was not you who sent me here, but God and He has made me a father to Pharoah, and lord of all his house, and a ruler throughout all of Egypt.” - Genesis 45:7-8, emphasis added

     I have always known that God isn’t sadistic.  There have been times I have questioned why He has allowed certain things to come into my life - mainly my struggles - but after quite a few tears and conversation, even though the outcome isn’t what I wanted, I can still be settled.  Because at the end of the day, I know my God is good.  But what does it mean that God was the one who sent Joseph to Egypt, when it was clearly his brothers who sold him into slavery (see Genesis 37:12-36)?  Over time, I have come to recognize that God will use or allow the heartache of this world for His glory.  But is it possible that God would intentionally do harm to someone for His Name’s sake?
    Why else would Joseph have attributed his coming to Egypt by God’s hand, rather than his brothers’?  Maybe he was confused.  But throughout the end of Genesis, in the story of Joseph, we do see a pattern of God’s sovereignty.  Joseph had dreams of grandeur - ruling over people that even the sun, moon, and stars would bow before him (see Genesis 37:5-11).  The fact that this dream had symbolism, later confirmed in his position as second-in-command, almost hints that this was more than God just using the bitterness of his brothers and turning it around for good.
    Now, I do not doubt that God indeed makes the pain in our lives turn out for good.  But I scratched my head, wondering at the intention that God may have had throughout Joseph’s story, even utilizing the bitterness and betrayal of family.  While thinking about this, I felt like I heard the Holy Spirit say, “Even the devil plays into My plans.  [Satan] encouraged the brothers’ jealousy to harm Joseph, and I already set up the plan for Joseph’s position.” 
    The devil played into God’s plan?  Is it possible that God already intended for Joseph to make his way to Egypt.  If the brothers weren’t planning murder, maybe Jacob would have set up an apprenticeship that could have led to the position Joseph supervised once he met his family after give-or-take 20 years.  But God knew what the devil was up to, so he let Satan play his game, but God was already at work in the midst of everything.
    This applies to another blog I want to write, but even while Joseph was in slavery and put into prison, he was learning humility and letting the Lord lead his decisions, even while processing the hurts that endured.  In the case of Joseph, even in his wounds, it was a set-up for the ‘big reveal’.  If his master’s mistress didn’t try to put the moves on him and then lie about it, he wouldn’t have gone to jail.  If he didn’t go to jail, he wouldn’t have met the cupbearer and interpreted the dream for him.  And if he didn’t give an interpretation to a desperate prisoner, then his credibility to assist a disturbed Pharaoh wouldn’t have been known.
    I am not insinuating that every time we suffer troubles, it is always to teach us a lesson of some kind.  And I do not want to dare claim that God ‘has His reasons’ for the most crushing of pain (i.e. abuse, death of a family member, etc..).  But in reading about Joseph, I am challenged that whatever I may be facing, God is still sovereign and I can have the choice in how I respond to those hurts.  I once met a pastor who said that his abusive childhood was God’s best story for his life.  Which, hearing it for the first time, I was hesitant to believe.  (Isn’t this where we think God is sadistic?!)  However, he was explaining that his painful past prepared him for the future in which he could help others.  Is abuse ever okay?  Heck no!  But he saw that God already designed that this man would be needing to minister to those who have been hurt in the worst of ways, and knowing who this man’s father was, God used the devil’s playbook as a set-up.
    Now, Joseph’s story seems like one of those rags-to-riches stories we adore so much in the United States.  But anyone who has ever been in a position of leadership - as long as they are not blinded by the power it provides - will tell you that the weight of its responsibility is greater than the prestige of its status.  Oftentimes, we seek for God to use our stories to help build our self-esteem and the testimony remains in being that of how He made our lives better or comfortable.  I do not want to negate that God does those things in our lives, but we must not be confused to believe that is the end result.  Whether in the beauty or the pain of our lives, God has a plan for our lives, but it isn’t necessarily about us. 
    God is the Creator of all things and He has seen time from its beginning to its end…already.  Yes, God is personal and our Father, but even our time on earth is a small blip on the existence of the whole creation.  We see our lives through our own eyes, so our point of view is being the main character.  But that isn’t the true perspective.  This is God’s story, and it is for His glory that our stories are written.  Pinocchio is one of my favorite Disney tales, but even though the script follows the puppet who just wants to be a ‘real boy’, I find that his journey isn’t the underlying heart.  It’s about his creator who pursued him - even when he was led astray by liars, convinced to make friends among boys who literally made “asses” of themselves (check out how the KJV defines that word before getting offended) and then was later trafficked into a form of slave labor by an abusive owner.  Geppetto worked endlessly to find his creation and bring him home.  All because he wanted his creation to be his son. 
    God is not sadistic, but He is a sovereign Lord who knows the ends of His creation.  He sees all the thoughts, intentions, actions, and the desires of every piece of it.  Including that which became His enemy.  We often praise God for His sovereignty when we have a testimony how we were able to minister to this other person who was suffering or in need.  It even gives a jolt of dopamine when we know that we were able to be a positive light (with the light of Jesus, of course) to that person.  But what happens if we are the ones who are suffering?
    It didn’t make sense for Jesus - the King of Kings! - to be born in a stinky stable, raised as a layman, and then have to DIE on the cross to prove He was the Messiah.  Couldn’t He already have just come in on a white horse in the clouds, raised sword in hand and overthrown the demonic forces at hand?  Heck, even Satan was convinced to rejoice over His death, until He rose from His grave three days later…and God’s heart for redemption was revealed.  Do we see how God may be at work, even in our own suffering?  Do we dare ask God what is His perspective and intention by allowing certain things to happen, and is it possible that even when we go through hell, it can be a set-up - not just for a testimony, but perhaps even a preparation - for something God had designed all along in our lives?  As Peter so well stated, “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it be tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen, you love.  Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, perceiving the end of your faith - the salvation of your souls (1 Peter 1:7-9).” What is the gold God is wanting to develop in us and through us - for the glory of His Name?

Motherhood is Not a Handicap!

      I had to catch my mouth when I had a meeting at work.  Discussing disability benefits, they described pregnancy falling into that category.  “Pregnancy is a disability,” they promptly stated.  I asked, “What,” in disbelief…and even with their explanation, my heart was still confounded.  Pregnancy - because whatever coverage a woman needs while at work, falls under the ADA (Adults with Disabilities Act) protections, it is considered a disability.     Seriously?! I mean - I understand that I have a ‘medical condition’ that is increasingly impacting my life.  Even physically.  My belly itches; I’m more stiff; it’s harder to put on my shoes.  And just wait 'til the kid gets here!  (Oy vey!)  But come on!!  Disabilities are an inhibitor to lives - a struggle and inconvenience.  There is something negative that greatly impacts the overall living quality of someone.  By declaring pregnancies to fall under the disability category, we are only supporting the notion, as a society, that motherhood is a burden to the women who choose it.     And yes, motherhood is costly.  It is sacrificial.  But it is NOT a disability.  My child is not a detriment to my health and wellbeing.  Rather, it is a step of seeing God's heart for family bear fruit. Surely, this stage in life will come with its trials and struggles, but it isn't without it's reward. Having a child is a blessing. It's not something to overcome. At this point, pregnancy financial assistance in the workplace continues to be under the ADA; but what if we removed the ‘disability’ determination and created a more thorough pregnancy care…would mothers receive the support and full care that was needed?     Maybe instead of looking at motherhood (excuse me, pregnancy; because, once the baby is out, back to work we ladies must go, due to the economic situation in our country) as a disability, we could then actually celebrate the life that is about to come (you know, like recognizing a human being in the womb!!!).  Maybe we could finally develop the family care we see existing in European countries (moms get six months paid leave to be with the child, then the father gets the same amount, allowing for the child to have a full year of parental care without worrying about daycare).  But as long as we put pregnancies in the same categories as disabilities, our view of how we should see the ‘fetus’ will be skewed. Additionally, biblically speaking, pregnancies were a part of God’s original plan (“be fruitful and multiply”); disabilities were a result of the fall.  If there was no sin in this world, we would still be seeing family growth.  We would not be seeing people suffer under chronic illnesses or conditions that - again, I point out this determination of the effects of a disability - inhibit the overall well-being of a person’s life.  To call pregnancy a form of disability is a mockery to God’s design for the world, to mothers, and to the disabled.  They are not synonymous.