Singleness is Not a Season

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"Enjoy this season,” many well-meaning married Christians say to singles.  As if, there is a point to their specific status of uno.  Granted, being single and living a godly life introduces a need for maturation, but that comes with age, anyway.  However, the main concern that is prevalent is how often being single is used as an excuse for a season of preparation for something more…as if marriage is the end goal.  I do not disagree with the sentiment that while in singleness, one should be growing in character.  However, why is singleness described as a season as if it is something to pass from into something else?     Because seasons change.  And though I am at the stage in life where I am in a romantic relationship with someone, I still remember the pains I had being a single person.  I remember feeling like I wasn’t catching anyone’s eyes, and wondering how much I was supposed to grow in order to finally attract someone.  I wondered if I had some character defect I was supposed to work out before meeting someone…which only then left me feeling I had to become the perfect person before meeting my perfect person.  I remember feeling left out of certain friends’ circles, because they were couples and I was not.     That hurt.  And I never felt like I was going to be enough to be enough for someone.  Moreover, and this is the problem with describing singleness as a season is - unlike seasons, what if someone’s relationship status never changes?  There are people who do not get married, whether or not it was their desire.  What do we say of those who chose to stay single in order to use their life as a full-time ministry?  Oh wait.  We are okay with that, because then it is a gift of the Holy Spirit.      We can unintentionally judge Christians who are single, because we continually say, “enjoy this season”, when we do not consider that this “season” may or may not pass.  And that is the problem.  We can often discuss marriage as a higher season (wait, isn't that a life-long commitment?) to reach; and if it isn’t that, then it is having children.  “I learn more about God’s unconditional love in my marriage season,” or “I understood the depth of God’s love when I became a parent.”  Can singles learn this, too?  And I am not discounting the claims of the lessons I am learning in having dated.  I just want to make sure we are not discounting our single people from the lessons that God has for them, regardless of their relationship status.     We have often made marriage the goal for life-long happiness.  I know many mothers who have pointed out men to their daughters, in the name of “just wanting them to be happy”.  What makes them being single a determining factor that they are not happy?  I actually enjoyed my singleness while in my twenties.  It was the being left out that was the hang-up for me.  Even in singleness, I still needed community.     Now, for any single person reading this, I may come across as another newly-engaged person telling some advice that isn’t wanted.  However, considering that my fiancé was my first and only boyfriend, and I was single for a long time before meeting him, I think I have some understanding of what it is like to be “in the single season”.  And if willing to read on, this is what I wish to say:

    I want you to go after all that God has for you.  Whether you are single, dating, engaged or married.  Seek after Him with your whole heart, and follow His lead.  He is always at work, and He chooses to work His story in you,  with you, as well as in your life.  I would much rather encourage you to jump in whatever God has in store, for every chapter (year) of your life, rather than calling this stage of your life a season.  Single or not, God will bring people beside you in the forms of friends, family and if it comes, a marriage life partner.     Take this time to invest what God has for you, because the reality is, it isn’t going to stop when in a relationship with someone.  Enjoy the moments of happiness, and mourn the moments that bring tears.  And these will happen in marriage, too.  Start reflecting on your character, and where God convicts, address it.  But do not expect that you have to have it all figured out by the time you may meet someone.  Just prepare the habit, because when you start knowing someone, trust me, you’ll realize that you’ll get to know more about yourself, too.  Nevertheless, allowing God’s grace to have its perfect work is something we Christians are supposed to do, anyway, whether we have a ring or not.     Recognize that your wholeness is never grounded in what you can do, or in the being of another to stand next to you.  Ain’t it a funny thing that we do have a tendency to define ourselves by our accomplishments, and others by their existence?  However, the worth of any and all beings is solely defined by the Creator who formed them.  YOU were created for such a time as this, God loves you, and desires to walk with you in the fullness of your life.  As frightening as that sounds, it is a comfort, because He already unconditionally loves you.  And whatever you accomplish for Jesus’ name has already been predestined  by His plan for you, and is enabled by His grace.  So, will you stand and go forth?     Because the Church needs you.  We need our single people to go forth in all that God has.  Not because we think you have so much more time to serve than us.  That is, admittedly, an immature way at looking at ministry.  (Because even in marriage and parenthood, we do not cease to be called as ambassadors of Jesus’ sacrifice.)  No, we need you, because God has created you each, specifically with distinct personalities, interests, gifts, desires and passions.  And you are able to jump into them, now.       As someone who is in a relationship, I want to let my single friends know: I still need you in my circle.  I still need your perspective, your friendship and your prayers.  If I decided to walk away from friends, because they are not married, who else will I have in my corner?  Yes, I can say, “Other married couples, of course!”  But where will the gift of my single friends be, if I forgot them?  I’m so sorry that we have made marriage an idol, and only include you if you are interested in relationships, or when we have a service project.  We have called singleness a season, as if you are supposed to prepare for something other than what God has for you.  And frankly, if singleness is only a season, then what will that say when some of you will not marry?     The truth is, you are the gift.  Aside from your relationship status, occupation, accomplishments, mistakes, or experience - YOU are the gift.  And the Church needs you, because, as a Christian single, you are part of the family. 

     I am grieved how singleness has been addressed, or treated in the larger sphere of the Western church culture.  It isn’t a season.  People should always be growing, and yes, when one is single, it is important to be learning about yourself before anyone comes into your life.  However, can we PU-LEASE stop making singles feel like they have to go through some initiation before we include them in ministry…or more so, as part of our lives?  I wonder if singles are only included in larger spheres of people and conversations when the topic is too general, or when they can help with something (“You’re free, so can you babysit?”).  Can they be chosen as friends, brothers and sisters?      The Church is a family that is made up of many parts.  And we need every single person (no pun intended).  We need our children, as well as our elders.  We need the ones who haven’t said “I do” yet, and the ones who have.  We need the clean-cuts, and the rough bunch.  We step into arrogance, when we believe that because someone else doesn’t have a shared life experience, that we somehow have no need to be in relationship (i.e. friendship) with them.  Jesus died for the world, saved us by His grace, and unified us by His love.  Let us live as such.