Giving Space

      When shifts occur, sometimes space is needed in order to process the change.  Within our society, we often give space when something amazing or sorrowful has occurred.  Sometimes we give space in order to deescalate a conflict.  However, is it possible to give space far too long?  This is more so in the presence of pain being a factor.  What may be seen as a polite action may insinuate a darker intention: that one is not cared for.
     I am five months postpartum.  I have my good days.  But I have had my bad days.  If I get a rare check-in, I often say I'm doing, "alright," because I figure that the good and bad even out to "fair".  But frankly, I use that reply, because I don't trust that the person asking can handle the full story of how I'm doing emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually.  If I were truly vulnerable, they may think I was trauma-dumping.  And so, I stay silent.  Exhausted.  Trying to get through the day.  Trying to find my 'miracle of the day,' and practice some gratitude.  
     There is a place where it has been communicated to be a second family.  A place I can go for encouragement and support.  However, off and on in the recent years, my trust in connecting with healthy friends has dwindled.  And while there was joyous anticipation...months later, I feel very alone. 
     Don't get me started about how our return was seen as a spiritual investment in our child.  Like, pacing myself when sleep-deprived, and taking time to read a Bible story isn't enough?  Yeah, that comment still stings.
     I'm not asking for a ton of visitors.  And in their defense, people only have enough energy to expound on their immediate audience.  But when my family had to take a leave, in order to learn how to rest while we navigate this new chapter in our lives (and are STILL navigating), after a while, this second family no longer checks in to say, "Hello."  Even a text would be something.  
     I'm trying to be understanding.  I'm trying to recognize the cynical thoughts in my mind and repel them.  But I feel let down.  I was told I was family, but the support needed to return was not constructed...and I don't know how long it will take to finish the project.  I'm trying to separate my personal offenses from the lack of sufficient care I think is needed for my newest addition.  It's hard.  It feels like one thing after another building on the issues, and I wonder at what point am I coming across as controlling and when the second family would benefit my leave, permanently (meaning, finding a new 'second family').  What's more frustrating is not knowing if God is supportive of the decision to depart.  I'm learning to be content as a mother, and my new church role to be praying.  But when I am fighting for my own sanity and finding glimpses of gratitude, it's hard to pray for them.   
     I feel so alone.  And those whom I WAS building good, healthy relationships have since taken their leave.  So, now I feel like what remains of my second family are those whom I don't connect well, anyway.  Do I stay and try to force something that isn't there, learn to be content that I'm distant, or should my family find a new home?  Because this space sure is convincing me that I'm forgotten, and those who preach love, grace and family could easily wash their hands and move on, if I were to never return.