My teaching contract wasn’t renewed, and with that a
door was closed. I was advised to go
back to my hometown, live with my family, go back to school to hone in my
skills as a teacher and de-stress. Allow
myself to recuperate after such a hard year of teaching. It certainly was the original plan. I remember moving into my apartment before
the school year, and feet digging into the ground, told all my friends that I
would be back as soon as possible. There
was a part of me that wanted this door to close. However, things have changed since.
School has been out for a month already, and I haven’t
gone back to Missoula. And I don’t know
when I will visit, because I have decided to stay on the Rez and serve with my
church. In the month of June, I was a
camp counselor at Indian Youth Camp, and later, helped out at Vacation Bible
School. I found a place here, and am
content. Yes, content. I may live in a place where it is known to be
dire, but it is home. And I want God to
move in it. I am excited for my people,
and I desire that they would come to know Jesus.
And I am not satisfied leaving my
home as I have seen it. I know the
reputation that my reservation has.
Drugs, alcoholism, gambling, poverty. Men on average only live to their 60s (and to
put that in perspective, the rest of Americans are living into their 80s; my
own father is 60 years old, and could go at least 25 more.) There is an issue of diabetes and other
health problems. Teen pregnancy is also
an issue. I get it. When you think of the ideal place to find a
dream job, get married and have a family, this wouldn’t be on the Top Ten List. One of my friends would tell you that I
survived my teaching year. That there
were moments I wasn’t functioning well.
And though I try to deny it, truth is, she’s probably right. So, why the heck have I decided to stay on
the Rez? Because in the midst of all the
pain, I found a people beautiful, and worth loving and fighting for, because
God already ultimately has. John 3:16 is
one of the first verses I memorized, and as I live here, it continues to remind
me why I should stay here. “For God so
loved the world that He gave His only
begotten Son that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have
everlasting life.” God loves…the WORLD,
and that includes the Native people of America.
With all the things that happen on the reservations, I have also met a
people beautiful and desired by God. I
realize that my skin tone doesn’t match, and cultures are different, but I do
claim these people as my own. God has
fought for them, and I want to as well.
I know that it would be easier to leave. It would be more comforting to go back to
Missoula and my old friends and life. However, there is a draw to not walk
away, no matter how hard it may be. By
the end of the school year, though I wasn’t going to be full-time teaching, I
still desired for this people to know Christ. I wanted to assist my community from a
ministry aspect. When I told a Christian
co-worker that, his reply was, “There are other reservations where it’ll be
easier to minister.”
May I be frank with you? Prepare for a bit of a rant.
No offense to my co-worker; and to other reservations –
for they too need Christ – but when was ministry ever supposed to be easy? When
was reaching out to the lost supposed to be such a breeze that there was
nothing to worry about, that we knew that every situation was going to be
perfect? There is a devil that hates my
people, and he will do anything to destroy them; there is a God who created and
loves my people, and He fought back, giving up His own life so that they could
be saved. Ministry is not going to be
easy. On that note, I am not saying that
I dared God to give me the hardest people to serve, however, I am where I
am. And how can I turn away from them,
when I know that they need to meet Jesus still?
How can I leave when my eyes have been opened to their depravity? I cannot; and I dare not. Perhaps I am here for such as a time as this. Perhaps God knew, despite how crazy it seemed
at first, that He knew He could use this vessel named Laura to share His Gospel
in a unique way.
It’s exciting to think about how much God loves my
people here, and how much He is willing to chase after them so that they may
know Him as their Father who saved them.
I know that I can’t do it on my own.
Yes, there are giftings and talents I have, and I am finding that they
are needed now more than ever, but anything I do outside of a dependence on God
will fail. I had learned a lot from this
past year. In the case of teaching, I
learned what not to do; what things actually work. I learned how to adapt to another culture,
and be flexible in learning as much as educating. I also learned about myself, and learned that
above all else, that God is my strength and my safety net.
Before I moved out here, I had everything I needed and
wanted. My parents were my economic
stability. Friends were nearby that I
could count on them to talk about pertinent issues. But, when I first moved out here, I was
physically alone. There were staff
members who made up my neighbors, but I was often alone lesson-planning and
didn’t socialize in the six days of the week before church. The main person I could only count on was
God. There were moments that I tried to
do things out of my own strength. I
could tell you now that I had faltered, became discouraged and depressed. I had resorted to some destructive behavior,
and it’s sad to admit that.
However…However, when it comes to the end of it all, when I ran to Jesus
with my heart, He carried me. He healed
my heart, picked me up, and encouraged me to go on.
The biggest reason why I do not want to move back to
my hometown is because it was too comfortable a place to fully depend on
God. I had everything I could ever want
or need – but it didn’t necessarily include God. If I was completely honest, growing up, I
leaned more on my family and friendships. Do I want to know that I’m a good
teacher? Be able to work in a place
where I know that I am making a positive and effective difference? Yes.
But if I were to go back to Missoula, or to any comforting, relatable
place, I fear that I would once again become dependent on my own abilities,
rather than in the power of my Father.
However, here on the Rez…in my new home, I fully
realize that I can do NOTHING without Christ.
With the different cultural contexts, with the historical background
(and the unfortunate racism that does still exist), with the living contexts of
many of the people here, it looks like an impossible situation. I am not the right person, and things could
totally be over my head. In the natural,
this is a foolish idea for me to stay out on the Rez. I must be throwing away my life. And I would be, if God wasn’t in the equation. But you see, God has a vast picture of what
He wants for my people, and I get to witness what He is going to do. In addition, I have learned to fully rely on
my Abba. It has been in these instances
that the greatest things have occurred, His glory was more so proclaimed, because
I allowed myself to trust that He would come through (and He did!).
I know that family and friends from Missoula miss
me. I miss them too. But if I could ask anything, it would be that
they do not long for me, as I know that I am where I am needed to be. “For such as a time as this,” right? God has created each and every one of us, and
designed us in the specific places, with the specific people we are with so
that in the end Jesus Christ’s name will be made known.
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