I
have started reading the Book of Matthew in the Bible. There seems to be a recurring theme; that of
healings. As I continue to read (and I
know that it will reiterated in the following gospels), it makes me speculate
my own circumstance. I hate bringing it
up, but as long as my physical body remains as is, I will probably continue to
discuss this topic. Perhaps, even after
I have been healed.
I haven’t done much thinking about the
cerebral palsy, or the seizure disorder.
I don’t ask many questions.
That is, except for recently. Ever since my pastor preached on a story that
revolved around a man’s healing, the contemplation on the subject has been on
the forefront of my thoughts. Now, I am
in a place of where I am trying to figure God out. What must I do to finally receive this gift
of healing that He has promised me? I
have received pictures, as well as words (of knowledge) that healing will come
in the physical; here on earth. It’s
been twenty-six years. How long must I
wait?
I guess I shouldn’t complain too
much. There was a man in the Bible who
was thirty-eight years old before Jesus touched him. Who knows what the ages of others who met Him
were? Twenty-six might be nothing. However, my case in point is this – I have
been waiting awhile. And still my
question remains. How much longer?
I hate the idea that I might have to admit
that there may be doubt God will heal me completely. No, I do not doubt His ability. I have seen God move in peoples’ lives. I have seen Him heal people. Arms grow, legs equal in length, allergies dissipate
from the body. He even grew my right
leg, and back when I was in 5th grade, pinched nerves in my spine that
caused nightly pain had been mended only by His hand. No, I do not doubt His ability. The sad confession is I wonder if I doubt His
intention; His timing.
You see…all the stories in the Bible of
Jesus encountering individuals resulted in an immediate healing.
“Why not me, God? How long do I have to wait?”
This is when I start trying to figure God
out. Do I just have to believe
more? Pray more? I was told once that I need to walk out my
healing. What does that even mean? Am I supposed to start using my right
side? I try. I am starting to lift weights with my right
hand, strengthen my arms. When I do
squats while I work-out, I consciously make my right leg push up. But what of the seizure disorder? How do you do that? I tried to reduce my meds once…it resulted in
a seizure.
You see how cyclical this can become? And I don’t think it has progressed toward
any answers.
I went for a run this morning. There is an Ice-Breaker in Great Falls at the
end of this month, and I would love to run the 1 mile race. For training, I go by the high school, and
run about 1.5 miles. So far, I am able
to run the entire distance in about 15 minutes.
Which means I am running a mile in about 9-10 minutes. I guess I should be happy for myself. But I found myself upset. My right knee was hurting, and I suddenly
could only think about how much it seems like I have to push myself harder to
reach the same point as my friends. They
don’t have to exert the same amount of energy or effort to get to the same
finish line. I am the one who has to struggle. Why do I have to be the handicapped one of
the group?
Dang it.
An ugly thing revealed itself: a victim mindset.
 | |
| Mt. Renyolds at Glacier National Park. |
I could’ve swore that the problem I have
in living with cerebral palsy and a seizure disorder is more-so identity. I have amazing friends, and they have not
treated me as if I am the handicapped one of the group. And yet, I have often felt the pressure to
still prove myself in ability and strength, so that none could question. Perhaps that is one reason why I will do physical feats that push me beyond what is comfortable.
There
has also been the second layer to my thoughts in do I even need God’s healing (after all, I do so many things well, just as I am)? Will God heal someone who feels like they
have no need for it? A person may have a
terminal condition, but unless he goes to the doctor for assistance, he will not
have his condition treated.
However, while I was wondering what God was
wanting to address in me with my disgruntleness in running, I felt that He
pointed out, “Let’s talk about this ‘Why me?’ struggle [you have].” Victim mentality. Stupid victim mentality.
But it’s a bit more than that. As I stated before, I believe that God
heals. I do not doubt His ability. However, I am scared to admit that I struggle
in the waiting for His promises. I do
not blame God for the stroke. Or the
cerebral palsy and seizure disorder.
Things happen in this world, because we live in an earth that by its own
nature is fallen and broken. No, my
questions come from the manner of time.
In the Bible, there are stories of those who have been healed
immediately. So, why then, am I the one
who has to wait? Am I just an
exception? Why can’t God heal me like
the ones in the Bible? Do I not have
enough faith? I will open my right hand
in faith, hoping that nerves will suddenly awaken and start moving. But they don’t. I have asked myself what God is waiting for,
trying to figure out the formula by which to quicken His word for me. And yet, I know there is something skewed
with this process of thinking.
“It’s not about your works, but about My
grace. The devil wants you to believe
that I’m not a good Father; that I will withhold good things from you.”
I felt that I needed to go to the Book of
Job, and this is what I found in the last chapters. It’s not a really ‘nice’ passage. A bit correcting, if you ask me. However, it is what God was saying to me:
“Who
has put wisdom in the mind? Or who has
given understanding to the heart?...Shall the one who contends with the Almighty correct
Him? He who rebukes God, let him answer
it…Would you indeed annul My judgement? Would you condemn Me that you may be
justified? Have you an arm like
God? Or can you thunder with a voice like
His?...Who then is able to stand against Me?
Who has proceeded Me that
I should pay him? Everything under
heaven is Mine.” – Job 38:36; 40:2, 8-9, 10b-11
There is a lot to take out of this, but
the synopsis is this: God is Lord and in
control, and therefore who can question His wisdom? In complaining that God hadn’t healed me;
that I am left struggling and striving to be as good as those around me, I had
inadvertedly told God that He was screwing up with me. Healing is a good thing to ask for. Yet, demanding that God fulfills His own
promises in our will, honestly, is some dangerous ground to be standing
on. I had to repent. And Job’s response could not be any more
perfect.
“I know that You can do everything,
and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You. You asked, ‘Who is this who hides counsel
without knowledge?’ Therefore I have
uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not
know...I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You.”
– Job 42:2-3, 5
God
is fully capable. And what God means to
do, it shall be done. Nothing can
prevent God’s will from happening. I do
not need to be restless for Him to move in my life.
And now what? I need to worship God for who He is. He is my good Father, who gives only good
gifts. He is God, and I am human. His ways are higher than my ways, and His
thoughts exceed my thoughts. I need to
worship Him in the midst of what I cannot see.
He is in control, and the manifestation of my healing will come at the
right time. I will wait. I will ask…but in belief and faith, with a
full confidence that God’s promises are indeed, “Yes, and Amen.” I do not need to doubt, or be
discouraged. After all, even the ones
who were healed immediately when they crossed paths with Jesus had their own
time of waiting before receiving healing.
It will come. Be patient my soul.
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