Hesitation and Hope

Hesitation breathes a sigh of security, yet

Exhales a poisonous bite of no satisfaction.

It promises to never fail your expectations,

But it refrains from hope.

Convincing that future change may never occur,

Sit, so that you won’t wound your soul.

How many times have I waited?

Not out of assurance for Your watch,

But that I may not gamble

The promises You declared?

Dichotomies swim as words sift

Through my brain, like perceptual arms run

Through wheat for a needle of wisdom.

I held back.

My heart has been wounded;

My memory carries scars.

Moments of hope flood before my eyes:

Because the time was not now; the setting was at Home,

My past tears tempt me to confine

Expectation in this corner, where it is safe.

I have said that You lied.

In my manner of self-protection,

I read the Book and say that it’s true,

However, I needed the confirmation from friends

To convince me of its weight.  I go to You last.

Fear waits to whisper:

I am an exception to the Cross.

In my insolence, I crafted idols.

I forgot that while I was falling apart,

You still hold the whole world in Your hands.

I believed that if only I could see Your calendar,

Then I would be convinced of Your goodness.

I clutched worry as a companion, hoping -

If anything - my actions could create the change I lacked.

Nevertheless, will You dare my heart to hope again?

Lay aside this habitual sin of hesitation…

Forgive me when I was so bold to look away;

Forgive me when I have been too timid to pray.

Resurrect my soul, Lord.

Make Yourself known, again, to me.

Open my eyes, that I may see You clearly.

Open my ears, that I may hear You loudly.

Knock on the door.  I will answer.

Deafen the voices that mock Your majesty.

Give me a laugh that will sing Your glory.

Hand me a pen that will write sharply

The double-edged Dagger of Your Spirit.

Renew this mind to catalog Your testimonies.

Remake this heart to trust in You, again.

To hope fully takes faith blind to our natural senses.

It is dangerous. It is not secure.  It is not safe.

But it lends God to be God;

His Story recognized in the hearts of all.