It was a little time after Christmas. I watched a leaked video of the ending of The Rise of Skywalker, and found out, bittersweet, Ben Solo’s sacrifice for Rey. It shouldn’t have hit me so hard, but I couldn’t help that the look he gave her...THAT look - was something I wished someone would give me. It’s nothing new to admit my desire for an intimate (and romantic) relationship, but the question I have baring in my mind is, “Am I wanted?” The heart’s desire, accompanied with the realization that one’s alone can tempt loneliness. In thinking of the latest Star Wars film, it’s amazing how God decides to talk to me through the means of stories.
Do you know that I look at you [the way Ben Solo looks at Rey]? And My sacrifice was not just for one person, but for all of humanity. Lastly, I did not stay dead. I raised to life again!
What? Wow! What a way to see a beauty from a bittersweet moment (honestly, I’m thankful for the redemption, but still sad to know one of the characters die). But wait...God said He looks at me the way the two protagonists looked at one another?
In my devotions on December 31st, I had read John 15:13, which states, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” Our church took part in a Prayer Walk, in partnership with other churches in our community. As we gathered to pray, I felt the Holy Spirit drop 1 John 3:16. Ironically, it was a verse related to my devotions. It states, “By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” I closed out 2019 with an understanding that I needed to let go of the control that I have fought so hard to keep, but as I drew near to 2020, I was seeing a new lesson reemerging. One in realizing God’s love for humanity. He laid down His life.
But He didn’t just die for humanity. He died for me. Me. I’ve heard the song that I was on His mind, but was it true? I’ve heard of intimacy with God discussed at a level of a marriage, but I never went that deep. God loves...me? Okay. I knew that. But...He wants me? That needed more faith. Because, in most of my life, I have felt that I am unwanted. Not good enough. Yes, I am loved, but I had to earn it. Most of these thoughts have been debunked, however, the “rationale” continues persistence. And yet, I wanted to know its truth. I turned my eyes to Song of Solomon.
I have averted reading this book, in its thorough context, because, frankly, it’s God’s chick flick. Knowing that romantic story lines can make my mind race, it’s just better to not tempt my thoughts...even if it’s Scripture. But I wanted to know. What does it look like when God loves someone? I dared myself to read the entire book, paralleling Solomon’s marriage to how God sees me. What follows is my journey into God’s word, moreover, His heart, and my responses to it.
*****
“Let him kiss me…(SOS 1:2)” Wait, what? Okay. This is is something that is just specific to Solomon. (I should just move on.) Is there a belief in me that though I would love for someone to love me as such a level, I don’t feel like I can? You have believed that you have to do something to be loved. That you would have to be a certain way for a man to be attracted to you. Do you know how much I delight in you? You have believed that you are unwanted.
“I am dark, but lovely… (SOS 1:5)” There was something in this woman that didn’t fit with cultural norms, and yet the king found her lovely. I am fighting a mold I do not fit - but God, you still find me as desirable. I am guilty of (taking care of other peoples’ vineyards, but not my own; see SOS 1:6). I will work hard to have healing come to the hearts of the youth and my community, but fail to care for my own. I know I can bring life and beauty to places of desolations. And You, God, are strength and lifegiving. You know how you want to be covered (in a romantic relationship)? That is My shade over you. I cover you. I carry you. I know your deepest desires. Do you know how much I smile at you? Do you know how excited I am about you? I squeal (in delight) over you...You will not be able to love someone if you can’t see yourself as worthy of being wanted. In your desperation, you would seek for your self-satisfaction. Where did the wounds of not being wanted come in? My mother (emotional detachment), my aunt (not measuring up as a “proper” lady), some friends (not included in fun things), my 7th grade basketball coach (never being played in the name of winning). Where have you felt the most wanted? My dad. In the same way, I am your father, but I also desire a level of intimacy with you that is like a husband and wife. You are my beloved.
“The voice of my beloved! Behold, he comes leaping upon mountains, skipping upon hills (SOS 2:8).” You leap through mountains and skip hills - for me?! Everything that I have hidden, I have put in you as a gift. I hide myself because I don’t want to be seen as needing, attention-seeking or rejected. You feel the need to prove yourself when you have already been accepted by Me.
“You are all fair, my love, and there is no spot in you (SOS 4:7).” I have been broken-hearted over feeling like there is something wrong with me. But You see no spot in me (because of Jesus). With one look, have I really stolen Your heart (see SOS 4:9)? That look in Star Wars 9 - the one I wish someone could give to me - YOU give to me...because You say that I, with one look I gave You, Your heart was ravished by me?! You find it hard to believe. You don’t just believe you're unwanted. You believe that you are undesirable (which is why comments on femininity frustrate you. Because you wonder if the only way someone can like you (or be worthy of affection) is to be like other women. The longing of your heart is to be loved for you. Because you don’t hear the affirmation or compliments you want, you believe yourself to be undesirable. But can you rest in My love? How is it that I have convinced myself that if a man loved me, then I would be satisfied, but I struggle in your love for me?
There is something in me sealed (see SOS 4:12). But I need to give You the key to unlock it. You call me Your perfect one (see SOS 5:2b). Your companion and friend. I admit that I have seen our relationship more similar to a military duty. But You call me a friend, perfect for You. Thank You for loving me and wanting to bring me near to Your heart. Perfect; without spot. That is how You see me. You know me soul-to-soul level; naked (see SOS 5:3). Nothing is hidden from You. You see all of me - and yet, You see me without spot and love me. It is your love that transforms me. You yearn for me; may I yearn for You. Stir up a hunger in me that only You can quench.
“My heart leaped when he spoke (SOS 5:6).” May I be as giddy when I think about You. May I become lovesick (see SOS 5:8) for You. It is true that I have been wounded by those who should’ve protected me, but I know that You can heal me. Make me whole again - I give You permission. You are my shepherd, covering, carrying, tending, and guiding me (see SOS 6:3). I love and am willing to lay down My life. Does the thought of me really overwhelm You? With joy.
*****
In reading His Word, I found explicit evidence that God loves me. More than that - He delights in me! It still seems questionable. Easier to note where I lack, instead of standing in the truth that God made me and likes what He sees. There are moments of doubt tempting...especially when I feel that I am not measuring up to a standard I should meet. Yet, God already sings over me. I am moving into 2020 with a desire to know God more - because He already- and has always - wanted me. There is a stronger confidence found in relying on His love for me, rather than seeking others’ approval (or settling for a man’s affection, instead of His). That being said, knowing His love for me is just the start. I am finding that as I trust in God’s love for me, displayed through Jesus, the implication of that love is to be shared.
Stay tuned.
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