Faith to Believe

     Daddy, I have a problem.  I wouldn’t think I do.  It most likely won’t come into conversation.  However, as I think about it - as I ponder on it - it is a problem.  Why haven’t I been healed, yet?  Why, almost 30 years after my birth, does my right hand remain as the first day I came into this world?  Why must I still depend on medication to keep the seizures at bay? 

     I couldn’t tell you how many times I have been prayed for.   How many hands have laid on my shoulder, asking for Your healing.  Only once has something occurred; that was my leg.  I was 22-years-old.  It grew.  Do You remember?  I am nervous to ask again, Daddy.  I am nervous to want a word of knowledge speaking to my specific situation, because, if I was prayed for again, will I be prayed for and nothing happens...again?  People have told me to keep asking for it.  To thank you for the promise yet to be manifested.  But it’s hard.

     I have seen You grow limbs, heal diseases.  I would even say that I have faith for the most impossible circumstances. But when my right hand remains as its limp fist, I only wonder.  What did I do wrong?  Did I do something wrong?  People say to have faith.  And I know that You honor even the smallest of faith...as small as a mustard seed.  So, when I have prayed, I believe.  I take hold of those words in red, and hope that something will happen.  But alas, nothing.  People have told me to just receive Your promise.  Whenever have I refused Your gift, though?  I have held out my hands, wishing I could receive this gift that You so freely give.  

     Granted, I don’t pray for my hand as much as other things.  When I pray, it is often for my youth at church, family members who don’t have a relationship with you, or other things going on in life and the community.  Thinking about me, and my own condition, is often the last thing on my mind.  But how often may that be the result of failed hopes?  I don’t know.  

     When it is brought to light that disability - as much as the person should be accepted - but the condition is not, concerning the context of the kingdom of God, I only find myself questioning, “Why am I the one that has to wait?”  Is it lack of praying?  After all, James states that we don’t receive, because we don’t ask (and we ask amiss; James 4:3).  Perhaps the apex of emotions that have been starting to stir is because I am finally asking.  But I know that I have asked before.  Additionally, I know myself well enough that I can get fixated on a topic to pray for.  If I become fixated on this (which in the last two weeks, seems that it has become just that), then I will fail to intercede for more important matters.

     Maybe that’s the problem...I have lived with cerebral palsy and a seizure disorder for so long (the former, my entire life), that it is my normal.  What would it be like if I actually had the use of both my hands?  But since I have managed to live quite a fruitful life, there is not a need within my psyche to ask for it...But I am reminded that in the kingdom of heaven, disability will not exist.  And physical dysfunction, no matter how minor, does not serve a purpose where Your throne exists...And so, I wonder...am I just comfortable with where my life has been?

     And yet, ironically, I have lived with a perpetual fear of being defined by my hand in the sight of others.  How often have I played a sport, wondering what people might say about my ability?  How often have I laid the guitar down (or more rather, hung it up), never to touch it, because it was too hard for me to play it?  As long as I can remember, I have defined myself by what I can do.  I have also fought against the mental challenges of what I cannot do.  I realize that You won’t manifest a physical healing until the heart and mind about the condition has been healed, first.  There was a time that You revealed to me that my hand was not whole, yet, because I would claim my own strength, and become wholly dependent on myself.  Does that remain so, today?  

     In the last two weeks, the questions concerning healing - or more rather, my healing - have compounded in my thoughts (along with longings of the future and forgiveness...I guess there are a few things that the two of us need to get squared away).  More so, a revelation that the “big request”, as I like to call it, is an area where I fail to trust You.  I have faith for other peoples’ healing.  Even small things such as colds and pains, I can bring them to You, faithfully.  But there is a disconnect here.

     Actually, anytime I ask for a healing, and there isn’t immediate relief, I become concerned.  

     Why is it that I see in Your word, Jesus spoke and it was done in that moment, but I have to wait?  

     I don’t want to get to a place where I believe You to be a liar, in this area.  I know that You only speak truth (Titus 1:2).  I don’t want my experiences to supersede Your Word, in the manner that I dictate my faith.  But, I have subsequently believed that I have to earn this gift of healing.  I know that I could never earn any of your gifts, but I guess old habits die hard...Earning favor plays a role in my life.  And there is nothing I can do to make this healing come.  Dependent on the neurology of my body, I can lift weights, stretch my hand, but unless the dead things come to life again, my body will remain as it is.  It’s not like I can just give myself neurosurgery.  

     Daddy, it’s completely out of my control.  And it’s totally in Your hands.  I believe healing is Your will.  So, why haven’t You done anything?  (Am I at the point where I no longer blame myself, and now I am looking at You?)  

     Jesus directed us to pray, “Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10).”  Wherever I read someone who asked to be healed, Jesus didn’t resent and not give it.  I know there are circles of Christians who believe that sometimes it may not be Your will to heal.  They will pray things such as, “If it is Your will…”  I realize that they are just trying to submit to Your timeline of when (incorporating heaven as part of that timeline), but it bugs the heck out of me.  Why would I ever have the boldness to pray for healing, if I only expect it would happen in heaven?  (By saying “if”, I feel moments are missed in praying declarative prayers that could change a situation that would otherwise remain the same.  Sometimes, we petition.  Other times, we must command.)  Maybe I am just going off.  Perhaps overzealous, in this determinant.  And yet, I stand on this stipulation, all the while my hand remains as it has always been.  

     John 9:1-3 was often a big help in dealing with living with cerebral palsy (and a seizure disorder).  But now, I am wondering, what is Your glory in me remaining as thus?  Perhaps because of all I can do, in spite of living with a disability...But notice that I didn’t state “being disabled.”  Whether it’s one hand or two, I have already figured out how to give myself credit for my physical accomplishments.  So, essentially, I’ve made the glory more about myself than about You.  

      Perhaps, it’s so I can have that touch of familiarity and understanding while working with SPED kids.  This seems more probable.  I remember what an impact it was when I saw that my freshman English teacher was paralyzed, in a wheelchair, and still doing what she loved.  2 Corinthians talks about that...Our pain brings comfort to others, because we understand their pain (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).  That being said...man, as I was writing this letter to You, it was only now that I thought of this being a hint for Your glory.  And in reading the 2 Corinthians reference, it gives me peace.  However, is it wrong for me to ask?

     The topic of healing is a touchy subject; perhaps even triggering.  I have wondered how much of my lack has depended on my failure in faith (I had one person tell the other people to have more faith so I could be healed...yeah, guilt trip!).  I want so badly...okay, correction - as of now, I want healing.  But even in the 2 Corinthians word, am I to only be pacified until another climatic run.  It seems that the “big request” is only warranted when I am in need of it, or the difference between experience and Your Word are magnified.  

     I have come to a point in my life where I have stopped asking for people to pray for me.  I have stopped inquiring for people to lay hands on me, because it has happened only You know how many times.  I have asked, and I am waiting for Your response.  You say Your promises are “yes, and amen” (2 Corinthians 1:20), so would it really be Your delight to withhold healing from Your child?  (I just found out that ‘yes, amen’ verse is in the same chapter as the word You just brought to my mind as I wrote my plight about how could this be Your glory...hmmm….)

     I do not believe You are a sadistic God.  To say that You made me with a disability is to almost say that a father would be willing to break his baby’s leg, just so he can look a little different, or to toughen him for life.  That would be crazy!  However, so many people know Your good, but supply that even the bad things are Your will.  Granted, they fully trust in Your sovereignty, but the dichotomy of circumstance seems to make Your goodness jaded.

     I believe You are good.  I believe You are sovereign.  I also know that this world has been scarred from the effects of sin, and things happen.  Sometimes things are allowed, and You use these things to shape us...But I refuse to believe that it was Your hand that cut off the blood from my brain, while in utero.  You are the giver of life; not the father of death.  Perhaps, in these statements of faith lies the hint of my frustrations.

     For I, too, have a dichotomy to live with.  A contradiction of truths, as some would say.  How can I believe for healing, but fail to trust You for my own?  How am I submitted to Your will, but be convinced that Your will is a certain result?  Legitimate questions.  But I guess we all must come to our own conclusions.  That being said, I do not want to ever arrive at a place where I am content not seeing Your hand at work, because I haven’t seen it with my eyes, yet.

      Another reference that has been popping in my mind, but I didn't want to journal about, is Hebrews 11:13-16, 32-40.  The most painful of verses is 39: “And all of these, though they won divine approval by [means of] their faith, did not receive the fulfillment of what was promised.”  They believed and hoped for their promises, but they did not receive! Yes, I admit that I didn’t want to take note of it, because I knew I am not the only one who has had to wait, and failed to receive.  (Pity alert!)
    But verse 40 continues: “Because God had us in mind and had something better and greater in view for us, so that they [these heroes and heroines of faith] should not come to perfection apart from us [before we could join them].”

     Daddy, what do You have in mind?  What is up Your sleeve?  I have words of knowledge, from various individuals, that they have seen my hand whole (which I have also understood, being healed of the seizure disorder, as well).  And yet, I am still waiting.  I trust You, even if I have to wait until heaven, but I have a feeling that I may not have to wait that long, either.  

     Last Sunday, I was dealing with a headache, and of course, these questions on healing.  While making the communion table, “You will be healed this year,” ran through my mind.  Could it be that You spoke?  Waiting 30 years, and finally my hand will be healed?  I admit that I am scared to say it was You.  Why get my hopes up, only to see that by January 1st of 2021, nothing has changed.  But what if it does change?  Should my fear prevent me from asking, acknowledging and limited by my past experiences?  

     Help me to have faith to believe.  To believe in all that You are and what You do. To believe in Your promises even when I have yet to see their fruit.  Help me to have faith for the next, while I am in the now.