The Question

   

Little James and Thomas, scene from The Chosen 
Season 2 Episode 3

 The Chosen show just came out with Season 2, and the third episode was an emotional roller coaster for most viewers.  I, too, was impacted.  However, not in the same manner as others.  There was a particular scene with Little James and Thomas, and Little James admits he lives with a form of paralysis.  In discussion of the plot including Jesus healing the masses, Little James' admittance carries a hidden sorrow.  "Why hasn't Jesus healed him?"  Little James asked an additional question, "With all these people getting healed, would they still follow Him if the signs stopped?"

     Little James brought up one of the most confusing juxtapositions there may be growing up in the Church: if Jesus heals, then why are there people sick, hurt and disabled, still?  I am not immune to this plight, and despite the many conversations that I have had with God on the topic, I found myself crying tears recognizing that Little James' character (and the actor, as well, as he does live with cerebral palsy and scoliosis in real life) battles the same thoughts I have.  

     There is no easy answer to the question.  We often like having things black and white, but living by faith requires assurance even when things are painted gray.  The topic of healing is such a topic.  I have found that when individuals try to make healing a black and white, wrong or right kind of discussion, they can do more harm than good.  

     "They died because we didn't pray hard enough."  

     "They didn't receive their healing, because they didn't believe."

     Yes, there needs to be faith to receive the promises of God, but what happens when you are an individual who has prayed, has taken a step of faith, and yet, things remained the same?  I can promise you it is not for lack of trying. Moreover, there is the other side of the argument that may avoid the topic altogether, by claiming that God doesn't do miracles anymore.

     And yet, I thought the Bible says that He is the same yesterday, today and forever.  So, if He healed years ago, why not, now?  

     See the perpetual cycle that someone can run through when they are holding onto a promise?  Sometimes it is as if there isn't a winner.  Not unless someone gets healed.  In the time I have taken to process, I cannot explain away the question for healing with a single answer.  No person's situation is the same, and multiple factors may be at play.  Humans like formulas, but if the miraculous could be calculated, would they remain as miracles?  I would assume not.  

     The truth is, God's word is true and does not fail.  It is also true that some people believe and receive on this side of heaven, while others receive it postmortem.  But God is not a liar.  I am learning to have expectation, but trust no matter what.

     This doesn't mean I'm done having faith.  It just means that while expecting the promise, I am not requiring God to do the miracle on my timeline.  Some people get healed immediately.  Some have waited.  And perhaps there is a wait to expound on that matter that God is not a forgetful God.  He after all, is not a microwave God. 

     He has not forgotten Little James.  He has not forgotten the actor that plays him.  He has not forgotten me.  

     I have to remember that.  In watching the episode, I reminded of the flood of questions I have had through my lifetime.  Even though I have come to peace understanding that while in waiting, I can carry sympathy to others in the same situation.  Even though God has already revealed that my motive for healing was due to wanting escape from judgmentalism (i.e. the true healing needed was a spiritual healing, not a physical one...and the physical healing that is ACTUALLY needed is not the one people have pursued me to approach the altar).  Even though I had wanted two strong arms in an effort to hold onto my pride of doing things in my own strength.  Even though I learned that in my weakness, He is strong, it is amazing how fast the memory of feeling forgotten came.

     So, I had to write.  I had to write about the question I have carried my entire life.  I had to once again, choose to believe that God is a God of miracles, but simultaneously, He is more than a God of miracles.  I am choosing that He is good without the tangible proof that He is in my personal situation.  Until then, learning to rejoice for whomever and whenever someone receives their 'Yes and Amen'.

"The Question" (See 2 Corinthians 1:20; 12:7-12; Hebrews 11:32-40)

Miracles, signs and wonders manifested

Within time expanded, I began

To walk beside You.

However, in my wanderings,

A secret breathed - 

You know it already.

Of all who come before You,

Why haven't I been numbered?

Forgive me, God,

I don't mean to blaspheme.

Have you somehow forgotten

My face?

Surely You don't fail

To recall my name.

But my request got lost

In the shuffle of 'no's"

When I have been promised

'Yes and Amen'.

Do I flounder in my faith?

Perpetually, I am encouraged,

"Go to the altar!"

In return; I remain the same.

Beginning to believe 

A mustard seed is not enough

Anymore.

I wonder if I am

Some sadistic joke.

Healings point to the heart

Of Christ, but when bought

With His blood, will they cease?

Is Your goodness only a bribe

Until redemption becomes

Our inheritance?

You conquered the grave!

Yet what Father forgets 

The groaning of His child's soul?

Am I to be banished

To my own hellish prison

Questioning the affections 

Of her Savior?

     Be still

     And know My heart!

Humanity forgets

History's chronology is not bound

By our short breaths

In the span of eternity.

Our hearts are abashed

As we determine the evidence

Your Lordship's worth

To be the work by earth's end.

If it were to be...

I would not be the first

To die before seeing

Your veracious Word bear fruit.

Those before me set their eyes

Upon You before any gift

You could bring. 

To call You friend

Meant more to them

Than what wonderful change

To their circumstance.

If I had a new hand

Would I ever have need

Of You, again?  Would I think

To stand on my own

If You gave me

What I thought You owed?

I fear this titan

Would grip the throne;

Lay claim to a crown,

Deny a holy deference;

Forget the exaltation of salvation,

Refuse sympathy to strangers.

Your promises indeed,

Are 'Yes and Amen',

But not to the detriment

Of Your Name.

The world prizes the pride

Of personal strength magnified.

If we become kings,

Why must we bow?

We forget we exist

With Your breath in our lungs,

Our skin formed by Your hands,

Your blood bleeds life to our souls.

May my weakness illuminate

The magnificence of heaven's splendor.

Certainly, You were, are, and always 

Will be

Good, just, and true.

Your words have no end.

Your promises are 'Yes and Amen'

To the glorification of Your Name, Jesus!

How shall my story be writ,

Let it be so.  

I know that You love me and are for me

To truly become Your beloved.

Help me to rejoice

With those who have received

Their promise now.

Help them to trust You

As I have learned to

In the waiting

In receiving 

Your faithfulness.