Mommy, Will You Let Me In?

     Dear Mommy,

    I know there was a time I was considered the apple of your eye.  But 20 years of words have perpetuated this hurt that seems to bleed from the ground.  I know I have forgiven you.  I know that you may carry wounds from others.  I know I am learning to take God’s words as gospel more than any other.  However, the reality is for every disagreement, critique, or abrupt comment, it only forms a dagger into the scars that were supposed to be healed by now. 
    There is a wall between us.  Whether it is formed, because of fear, or because there is an affront, the situation differs in motive. But how do I lean in when I believe that my worth to you is for what I can do?  Is my future blessed only for what I can accomplish according to the will you have for my life?  Am I enough as I am?  Why do I feel like I have to beg to be your delight?  And only find favor when I have shared a helping hand?
    Would you love me even then?  Even when I make a mistake?  Even when I disagree?  Even when I choose a different calling than so many of my family?  Will you want my presence for more than sitting on the couch made for comfort?  A comfort that may bring solace to the mind, but fails to bring true peace.
    I wanted you to be in my life.  I wanted to know that I am worth something...but I want to be worth more than just something.  I wish I was loved...unconditionally.  But will you love me beyond my accomplishments, and in the midst of my failings? Why when I linger you are content with my silence, but if I am gone, then I am missed?  Mommy, will you let me in?  What is my worth?