There was a time I believed that God showed me my future husband. I held onto this man (because I just so happened to have met him) expecting that he would want to go after Jesus like I did, and hoping that he would repent of the compromises he made in his life. Thing is, he knew he would never deny the existence of God, but he didn’t want to have Jesus be Lord over his life. As of last year, I finally let him go. Not just ignore him and wait for God’s timing on when “my” man and I could finally be united. I told God, “Maybe You really did show me my future husband. And if it plays out as such, I will be grateful and delightfully surprised. However, communicating with this man on the basis of what I hoped him to be is only a form of lust. It is better and healthier to pray for ____, and if I date other men, genuinely interested and not from a perspective of what he can do for me…Even if I break up, if I learn how to have a healthy outlook on dating, that would be better.” I let him go as my fulfillment as a wife. He still comes to my mind, but I have learned to pray for him as a friend who genuinely cares about him and not for him to feel a void in my life. I am a woman and still single. And even though it seems like opportunities are increasing, I can’t help but notice that I also have carried since junior high (seriously!) certain expectations concerning relationships and how to go about them. I have discussed how easy it is to blur lines when it comes to sexual purity, but what I am finding is the internal pressures on how to date. You know…the first step in how to build a repore' with someone you’re interested in. In the last couple of months, I have had two men from a small group present an interest in wanting to get to know me. One offered a possibility of a dinner, but there hasn’t been any subsequent discussion. Recently, a second man asked for coffee. The previous Tuesday he mentioned that he liked talking with me. Thing is, I don’t have an interest in either of these men. I was polite in turning down the opportunities, and yet, I felt like I had to internally convince myself that it was okay to say no. In the name of giving him a chance, I have been told to say yes. “Even if it ends up just being a friend.” Doesn’t it mislead a man if I say “yes” when I actually have no interest? Must I justify my reasons? Whether it be age or not being physically attracted or lack of knowing the person, do I have to go on that coffee date? I wonder why this concerns me so, is because there is a part of me that is just rebellious in nature (i.e. tell me to do something, and I will do the opposite). Or, I wonder if it bothers me, because in my codependent habits, if I differed with someone, it is somehow my fault. And lastly, perhaps the most drastic of fear, I wonder if pushing women to take a man’s offer, despite personal (lack of) interest almost pervades into the rape culture we see in the United States. (Telling women that they should say yes to a date can communicate that they should agree to other romantic gestures. That is dangerous. And perhaps I am just taking this to an extreme. But as a woman, it feels so painful to say yes when everything else says no.) I am not a man. However, if I was one…if I asked a girl out and she wasn’t interested, I would rather her be more upfront. Let me be in the friendzone, instead of stirring up my hopes or imaginations. As a woman, I don’t want to feel obligated in the name of “God knows what we need” (yes, this was brought up to me while one of the men was interested in me). Back when I was in junior high, I was basically told that I should wait for the “one” and then date. I no longer agree that this is healthy. Even asking for God to show me my future husband came from a place of fearing that He hadn’t prepared someone for me; it was out of fear that no man would actually choose me. I wanted God to do the work of the courtship instead of having to mitigate it myself. It was solely selfish. From my experience with a man asking to have sex with me and would pay $100 to video it, I am actually more guarded about getting to know men in a deeper context, anyway. I wasn’t traumatized that I cannot build relationships with men. But I won’t initiate a friendship, unless it is done so within a group of mutual friends. And frankly, as I process on how to walk out sexual purity while having an interest in dating, is building a friendship first a bad place to start? I can get to know his character, personality, his relationship with God, etc… Even someone that I may not have been initially interested in may in time become an interest, because I grew in friendship with boundaries intact. People may argue that a date can be used for that. I can get to know someone and eventually be interested, even if I wasn’t at the beginning. But I know how my mind and heart are wired. I can become extremely open about my thoughts, and have said too much too early. My love languages are words of affirmation and quality time, and so I know that things will stir in my heart quite easily. However, and most definingly - if I am interested, I will look forward to the date, but if I am not interested, then I will be dreading it to come to pass. This is the point I am at now. I am growing in my personal convictions, and though I do not want to ignore godly wisdom (from which I can learn from Christian couples I trust), I am realizing that I am an individual who has had experiences and found that I need to walk this dating thing with Jesus like any other thing. When I was nervous about the second guy asking for a date, I felt like God had told me, “You don’t have to be attracted to him.” That was literally the pressure that I was feeling from this! And yet, God allowed me to say no. The thing is, God knows my life and what it will entail. He knows who my husband is. And if something doesn’t work out, then I can trust God that it was either not the man or not the time. As I saw from a Sons and Daughters clip, “God is not going to give you someone else’s spouse.” This pressure - even found in the church - to accept an invitation despite personal interest or conviction (because, as my dad has told me, not every man is made for every woman and vice versa) is damaging. It brings a level of uncomfortableness and pressure that is not needed. Moreover, the church needs to stop the idea that every person needs to be in a relationship. At this time, I think a good boundary for a romantic interest is 1) Meet 2) Get to know in a social setting and 3) Go on a one-on-one date. Friendzone men stay at step 2. However, I am wondering about two other men I have met from Sunday church. I could see wanting to get to know them. What is amazing is though I like talking to each of them, I have not found myself crushing on them, nor being infatuated with them. If either asked me for coffee, I wonder if I can allow myself to say yes. I see courtship as an opportunity to care for a man’s heart and invite God into the relationship, whether it remains a friendship or becomes more. I am adamant for physical boundaries and continuing group hang-outs to provide accountabilities. But I am letting go of the pressure to find the “one”. There are desires, but I have given God full access to the romantics, and I am trusting that God is guiding me in my spirit, thoughts and emotions, as well as my future.
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