Waiting

I always said 

I was waiting for the one You brought me.  

Never had a man to call my own, 

Before; it is easy to say.  

But the past dreams I wrote 

In secret 

Prove I never waited.  

Or...

I stopped waiting 

Long before I confessed.  

I poured out myself, longing to be loved - 

Justifying it,
Because who else 

Would cherish me the way You do? 

 
I did not wait.  

I have stirred up love before its time. 

And now that You have brought the one 

Who You meant for me, my heart refuses to remain patient.  

Why should I?!  Haven't I waited long enough?  

Oh, but wait.  

I haven't.

All those moments 

Where I brought imaginary men into my bed

Are the moments I must admit my guilt.  

You have called me out.  

If these men were real,

Would these men or their families feel like 

I raped them mentally?  

I had them in the bed of my mind 

Without their consent.  After all, that's how I felt 

When a man asked for my body, 

Even though he never touched me.

Oh, but the touch!  

Isn't that what I long for?  

In my separation from family and newfound loneliness, 

I wondered who would love me as me. 

I missed the welcoming hugs that invited me 

Into a home greater than my own.  I leaned into 

The imaginations like I did when I was a child.  

Alone, felt unloved; 

I would mind my own

And create the belonging I so craved for.

I should be grateful 

That the man You gave me is a delight to my senses.  

However, the forgotten sensations 

In adolescence are woken again, 

And I don't want to sleep again.  

My childhood ignorance met my adult sin...

And with the kiss of his love, 

My patience does not want its perfect gift.  

Desire for him grows;

To convince me to wait 

Only makes me frustrated 

That I cannot take hold of what has been promised to me.

Can I just have a peek?  

"Can I just have a poke," 

Is more like the lust that screams, "NOW" 

When You say, "Not yet".  

Deception has its perfect lie 

When it grasps onto the complete truth, 

But takes one step out of line.  

And my mind is convinced that because he will be, 

Treat him as is.

Oh God, sanctify my heart, 

And renew my mind.  

Restore the innocence of my soul 

That was shattered years ago.  

     Help me to wait.