Judge Me...Not!

 Go ahead and state I am pulling away; Therefore, that is why I feel isolated. However, cause and effect Don’t always correlate. You remain in confusion; All I was trying to ask for Was better communication.

But since we are on the topic… Of my desire for deeper friendships - There are scars covered, Wounds I bear in silence. There are names I could run through mud And reputations I could ruin, If I shared openly. But in an effort to address The pain Without placing blame, Attempting to seed areas of growth, My lips will remain shut On certain evidence.

For even while I was in the group,
I knew I still needed to be
Prepared to serve.
I knew if I shared my internal secrets,
It would be too much.
Some tears are too sacred
To bring forward to just anyone.
Even while I was welcomed,
There were moments of exclusion.

Everyone else already had their friends.
Even while I was surrounded
By smiling faces,
The moment I felt led into
A different direction,
Those faces would fade
From my presence.
I could refrain from being absent,
And still remain lonely.
This is what you are missing:
Was I ever part of your circle
More than in name only?

You are trying to understand,
I give you that credit.
But the more I explain,
The more we miss the other’s intention.
Is it worth saying any more?

If you feel led
To remove me from my position,
I will gladly submit.
I desire no power.
Honestly, I need the freedom
To become who God wants me to be,
And to focus on what He wants me to do.

Where my family is feeling led
Isn’t congruent with your expectations
In the creation of your dreams.
Are we only celebrated when
Family is built upon
Within your jurisdiction and expression?
Must we fit within the dimensions
Of your box or under your banner?

We want to be connected,
But it requires a different way.
We pull away, because we are being pulled elsewhere.
Until that is understood,
I feel we are stuck.
No matter what I say,
Nothing changes.
And I am left feeling like
All the responsibility for any growth
Is upon my shoulders.
Frankly, that sucks.

Are we at a crossroads?
Is it better to part?
I do wonder…
After all, it is not fair
For either of us to pressure the other
To conform to something
God hasn’t ordained.