One of My Worst Enemies: Being Alone

I can't stand to be alone.  Don't ever want to be there, and if I have to sit and ponder in an isolated time-frame of about three hours or more, I suddenly panic.  I want to run away, and find a friend to be with.  Call me an extrovert.  Except, there are times I do need my space, and just talk to God one-on-one.  But the majority of the time when I'm home, I am alone.  No one lives with me, and it has been that way for about a year and a half.  You probably would think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm not.  Because there is something in me that still longs to be loved.  Not necessarily romantic, but loved and wanted.  However, if I am given a whole day with God, I freak out.  I don't know how men in the Native American culture did it.  They would go on these vision quests, by themselves, for a period of four days.  I can't even stand one day.  I guess I am weak.  I am needy.  (Makes me wonder sometimes if I only love God for what He can do for me, or do I truly love Him?  But that's another subject.)  All I know is that I hate the idea of being isolated, and I will instinctively try to do anything I can to make sure that I will not be left alone. Having a hang-out?  I'll be there.  Bible study?  Of course.  On Facebook reading peoples' statuses as a means to believe that I'm taking part in their lives?  Yep.  Just don't leave me alone. The unfortunate thing is that I forget that God is always around, and can be trusted. This is where I am.  It's hard, because if I was honest with myself, I don't know if I can say that my heart fully believes that He satisfies me.  I want to believe though.  I am in need of learning to trust God to be the Father He really is, to me.

“Iciness of Loneliness”

Dear Abba Daddy,

I fear the quiet.

I know I shouldn’t.

I hate the solitude and silence,

Though I know that You are

In the midst of the darkness.

Yet, it’s not the lack of light,

But the absence of warmth

I shrink back.  Loneliness has its own icy sting.

My heart is anxious: will the lack 
Of the sight of me
Lead my presence to succumb 
To the subconscious of the minds?

Papa,

Please.

Bear with me.

Is it okay to feel this way?

Be forgiving if the answer is no.

To the laughter of a friend’s voice,

I will run.  In the arms of a loved one,

I will cherish.  To ask me to stay

Here alone with You, I shudder.

Because the physical sight only sees

The empty room.  In the waiting,

So many thoughts come crashing

In a moment’s notice.
 
And though You’ve told me

You will never leave,

Never forsake,

A long enough breath leaves me

Begging and wanting.

I miss the naïve days…

In my dad’s arms where I playfully rested.

Where the sight of me drew in a hug,

Protected; and I knew

I was treasured with the smile given. 

I miss hearing the words,

“I love you,” without ever earning the phrase.

But now, I am alone. 
 
Childish?  Perhaps.

However, I am still Your child.

Time and growth has demanded

The security blanket fall away;

But I still cling to the innocent hopes.

I am in want of someone

To tell me they love me.
I long to be held

In the kind of embrace that proves

I will never be let go.

I know that You are omnipresent,
You are to satisfy; and yet, You do not.

I don’t mean to blaspheme.
I don’t mean to dirty the sanctuary.
But Daddy, I need You near. 

Everything I had put my full trust in is now a shadow.

You are the only One I can depend upon.
Do not be far away.  Bring me close.

Please, Daddy.

Hold my hand.  Carry me

Through the night while I sleep.

Walk with me down the aisle of life.

Don’t let me go.

Always Your little girl,

Laura Emily