An Introduction to a Conversation Concerning Suicide

About a month and half ago a young man in our town - a boy really- committed suicide.  He was only nineteen years old, and had graduated high school last year.  A life lost.  In a small town such as mine, where everyone is practically family in one way or another, a life lost is felt heavily.  I guess that's why I turned inwardly, and wrote the poem I did.  Suicide, especially teens, is a nationwide epidemic.  And in Montana, it is the #2 killer of teens.  Number 2.  And amazingly, it's not talked about much.  We don't talk about why someone might have wanted to kill themselves.  We don't talk about the pain that is left for those who knew the individual.  

The reasons why someone would be driven to suicide vary.  No situation completely mimics another, and so, as much as I wrote this poem, it may not mean that every person who has struggled with suicidal thoughts dealt specifically with the things mentioned. I drew from my own personal experience of self-harm and anxiety to illustrate components.  I never was suicidal.  However, I was a 16-year-old girl who couldn't wait until she was 18-years-old so she could move away and unburden her parents of the bad daughter I believed they thought I was.  I do not mean to make light of the emotions, but rather to shine a light so that we, as a community, and as a Church, may address a silent killer. 

I may have opened a can of worms with some of the lines written.  But I wanted to be brutally honest, and know that there are real people who ask these very real questions.  We cannot shrug them away, hoping they will disappear.  Because, until things change, we will continue having suicides.  The only answer, I believe, we have is Jesus.  The poem is meant to hone in on teen suicides.  As I said earlier, it is the #2 killer of teenagers.  We feel it heavily on the Reservation, here.  If I remember correctly, within a 14-year period, there was a suicide every year.  But it's not limited to the Rez.  I remember that back in freshman year of high school, a boy at Sentinel High (I went to Big Sky) killed himself.  Why, I don't know.  But when I was a senior, a girl from that same high school killed herself.  She ran her car into a street light, after finding out she was pregnant.  Word was, she worried how her parents would've reacted.  The autopsy report revealed that she would've had twins.

Too many of our young our dying, and it needs to stop.  This poem is long, but perhaps you relate to one, or more of the "letters".  Let's start talking.  Let's make a stand that the devil can no longer have our children (and other family members/friends who also struggle with self-harm, depression, anxiety, and suicide).  If you are someone who does struggle with thoughts of suicide, please tell someone.  We do care about you.  Message someone on Facebook, or call them.  There is also a suicide hotline number 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).  Please know that you are loved, valued, and not alone.



"Redemption in the Face of Death"

“The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but I come that you may have life, and that more abundantly.” –John 10:10[i]

I: A Person Contemplating Suicide

God…

            Are You there?  Hello? 

Oh man.  What am I doing?

This is stupid.

            I hope You’re listening, ‘cause there’s no one

            To talk to me.  Or listen to me,

For that matter.  I am empty and numb.

            My emotions dried into an apathetic awareness.

Frankly, I don’t care anymore.

Why should I?

            I tried to feel. To be hopeful.

But apparently it didn’t work,

Cause I’m here now.

Drained, and at the end of my rope.

            Do You even love me, like they say You do?

            Where have You been?

Expectations laid upon my identity

Found me wanting of perfection.

I would measure up, then suddenly fall deeply

As pills that sink into a metallic abyss

Due to a blemish

Unbeknownst

To me.  I tried God.

Yet in my attempts to manufacture my goodness,

I screwed up and complicated matters,

Made it worse for others.

            I just wanted to be loved. But...

Why would anybody want me?

They’re better off not being bothered by my presence.

God…

            I needed You! I even cried out to You!

            But You are silent; all the while

            I have been suffocating in this mess

            I have to call my life! 

What a joke… 

But I don’t care.

I stopped laughing, but I stopped letting the prank offend me.

            God, if You love me

            Help me to not hurt anymore.

            Allow me to disappear;

            Unburden the world’s weights of this mistake.

            Why don’t You let me

            Let my life go

BANG!

           

II: The Parent or Friend

It’s been a long day.

I don’t know how much longer I can take this.

            We laid her down today, God.

            All I could think was how she didn’t deserve to be in that bed of death.

            And yet, there she sleeps.

And now, she always will.

I keep hoping I wake up tomorrow morning

Finding out that this was just a bad joke she played.

            But it’s not going to happen.  Is it?

She wrote the note; something had been haunting

Her soul.  She ended it all.

We found her body without the breath that carried

So much life. 

            Why does she have to be gone?  I’m confused.

I am angry at You.  Couldn’t You have frayed the rope?

I believed that You are a good God that loves;

Didn’t You care?

I am angry with myself, as well.

I failed to recognize behind all the smiles,

The tears that collected behind her eyes.

I have been with her since the beginning.

I’ve should’ve known.  I could’ve noticed

Something was wrong.  Right?

Oh God, why was I so blind?!

Is it my fault that fear crept in

To convince her not to come to me?

            It’s too late to ask her the questions

            To reveal a pain, which then hopefully,

We would’ve introduced the reminder of the truth

            Of how we see... I mean, saw…her.

I’m so weary from crying.

There’s such a void

With her vacancy.

           

III: A Bully

I guess I should’ve gone;

Pay my respects.

How do I admit this?

I’m shrinking from the dread

That it might be true

That he could be dead, because of me.

I saw the tears in his eyes. 

I knew everything wasn’t alright.

But… I was silent.  Worse,

There were moments I joined in.

It was a joke.

It was supposed to be a joke.

Ha.  All the time we called him “Butterfingers”…

Dang it.  And the one time he decides to have steady hands

Is when he holds a palm full of pills.

Not all jokes are funny.

            We made him feel worthless.

I could tell when he wasn’t laughing inside,

Though on the outside, we were heckling.

We…I can’t keep pointing fingers at others…

I…

Delighted in bringing enjoyment at the expense

Of his pain.  No longer does it remain.

I guess. 

Amazing how much shame a shut casket brings.

Now that he’s gone, I am mindful

Of the hurt that bears on his family and friends.

Friends?  I wonder if he had any.

            We were so busy teasing, were there any

            Who stood by him?

I wish I hadn’t spoke what I said.

I wish I didn’t do what I had done.

            Couldn’t I change things?  Talk to him?

But his lips are post-mortemly shut under a pile of dirt.

            I’m amazed if You are listening, God.

            Because if I were You, I wouldn’t listen to

            An idiot like me.

I hate my reflection; who I became.

Even if You still forgive,

I don’t deserve it.

IV: An Intercessor

Oh Daddy,

            My heart aches for my people.

            The earth has become broken;

            Seeds meant to grow are left to be scorched.

            The elders bury their dead,

            And the old pray the eulogies,

            Because hope has been lost among the youth.

How long, God?

            How long will my people have to wait

            For You

            To heal our land?  You are mighty,

I believe. 

            You are faithful, just, and good.

I know. 

            We are desperate, and left destitute,

            But I know we will not stay this way.

I thank You that You are God.

You are Lord.

So, I plead with You:

            Jesus, come! 

            Too many of our young are being laid into the grave!

            How wounded they must be to seek a ‘comfort’

            Found in the dark! So confused and afraid

            That the prospect appears to be bleak

            Compared to their present pain.

            Jesus, come!

            Only by Your name will my people be saved!

I am tired of hearing of the statistics!

I am frustrated with our future falling into an unwakeable sleep

Before their forefathers.

I am angry.

            I will not have it any longer!

How dare the enemy steals their hopes;

How dare the devil kills their spirits;

And how dare he destroy their souls!!

No more! 

He will not have our children, any longer!

So, I call on You, God.

Will you work your wonders for the dead,

That they may rise and praise You?

Declare Your lovingkindness in the midst of the grave!

Show Your faithfulness in the places that have been destroyed!

Remind this land of Your righteousness:

That You are God.  And You are good!

Open their ears:

You are our Father,

And the rock of our salvation!

A Führer once said that lies spoken

Long, often, and loud

Enough shall be believed.

            I ask for Your truth, Jesus:

            That it would be

SHOUTED

            So loud; for so long, within such a short frame of time

            That all doubt the devil means to seed would decease.

God, shine Your face on us.

Restore us!

How much longer must we wait?

How much longer can we wait?

Hear me, Daddy, please!

            Come rescue these kids.

How much more can I say

Before I begin to repeat myself?

Let me speak no further.

My tears shall swallow up my words,

The only sounds heard will be my groans.

Jesus, redeem us from the plight of suicide.

V: Jesus

I have seen, and I have heard…

I have not been blind to your pain,

Nor to your cries have I been deaf.

I know the angst that grips your heart.

Though it could not be uttered with lips,

I am fully aware.

I am fully present.

The whimpers you suffocated in the pillow

Echoed the heaviness I have for you.

I share your tears;

The frustration you hold

From your loss, I carry the same vengeance

Against the one who deceived the first man.

I, too, am angry.

It is true – the aim of sin

Has been to rob creation of the heavenly eternal.

But when the enemy sought to destroy you;

Use sin to separate you from Me and My glory,

He forgot that I am a jealous God.

Fiercely loyal, and ferociously loving

He did not count that I would come after you,

And rescue you.

I want you to know

You are Mine.  I will not let you go.

I will fight for you; and have fought for you.

I died so that you would never have to.

But I came that you may be ransomed.

I have cleaned you of your filthy rags;

I have forgiven you of the regrets you hold,

And of the wrongs you inflicted on others,

As well as on yourself.  I care.

I love you.

At the beginning of time,

I already had your name in mind.

Already I had envisioned how I would knit you together.

And I couldn’t wait for the moment of your birth.

Do you not know

You were created in My image?

I fashioned you specifically

I crafted you purposely.

You are a gift and blessing. 

You are valuable.

That’s why it breaks My heart

When I see you

Aim to rid the world someone I created;

Use your reflection to cut into your skin,

Marring your magnificence in an effort to perfect

What I had already made good.

I forgive you.

And I want you to come to Me.

Lay your burdens down;

Give them to Me.

I know that life is sometimes hard,

And you will wonder.

I may not give you the answers to your why

At this moment, but I promise

That whatever the devil devises,

I will turn it around and use it for My glory

In the end of it all.

Trust Me and see

If I will not be your salvation.

I AM!

I am the Beginning and the End;

The First and the Last.

Sovereign Lord and King of all nations.

Creator of all, and a Father to you.

I have called you Mine,

And Sheol must bow down to Me.

I give you life, and that more abundantly.

            I am your Healer.

            I am your Comfort.

            I am the Replevin of your souls,

            And I am the restorer of your Hope!

There is redemption in the face

Of evil, depravity, and pain.

Death will no longer have its sting,

Because hell does not have the victory!

Your future will not be lost.

The old ruins shall be rebuilt,

The desolations of many generations

Will be repaired.

Come to Me: I am near.

Rest in Me: I am here.

---

[i] Other references used are Psalm 80:3; Psalm 88:10-12; Psalm 89:26; Psalm 91; Isaiah 61:4; 1 Corinthians 15:55

Make Me Lovesick

(Song of Solomon 8:6-7; 14)

How long has it been since I sought You?

Do I even long to see Your face?

Has it come to a place

Where I am thankful for what You’ve done,

But never love You for who You are?

Forgive me.

Easily, time will age into a distance

Of forgetting the very reason

Why I fall on my knees. 

Do I recognize who I bow to?

You are Lord, the Sovereign One, Most High,

Above everything.  My Maker, Savior and Healer.

I remember clearly the moments You rescued me

Out of the jaws of hell’s grasp.
However…in my gratefulness, do I forget to love You?

Your grace was far more than Your ‘Rescue 911’.

In Your redemption, Your heart was jealous for me

To know You. That in a moment, time might halt

And I would recognize Your voice,

And return the gaze. 

Forgive me.

Let us be strangers no more.

Come hastily, my Groom and my worship

Will be for more than Your benefits.

Knock on my door, and I will open my bed.
I long for Your presence;

I enjoy the pleasure it is

To sit at Your feet and know You.

Gratefulness turns into adoration,

I am lovesick for You.

“Set me as a seal upon your heart,

As a seal upon your arm;

For love is as strong as death,

Jealously as cruel as the grave;

Its flames are flames of fire,

A most vehement flame.” 

"Will I Believe?"

I was on Facebook, when it notified me that I had posted something four years ago.  A poem I had written back in college.  Reading, it's cool to see the prayer that was on my heart.  What's more amazing, however, is how much this prayer has become stronger as time went on.  As I see my community, and Reservation, it is explicitly clear that the only answer to our hurts, questions, and to save us from our sin is Jesus.

Pain, hate, hurt.
People are getting burned by other people.
Folks wondering what to do when hell is around.
Bashing, lashing, and thrashing
Catfights, dogfights in the night.
Winds are blowing hard
Storms are brewing
Disease comes and goes as it pleases
Anger is stewing.
Everyone wondering if something will be done.
In the world of chaos and confusion,
Desperation and death,
Where is the sun?                                                                                                                                                                   
 Hope...Faith...

Will I believe You-
In spite of all that I see and hear-
That Your promises
Are for today and are for real?
That it is capable to stand on what was said so long ago?

Will I believe
That heaven can come to earth
And despite the present circumstance,
New things can be given birth?
Will I believe that new can break out of the old?

Will I believe
That fortresses that have stood strong,
Holding in secrets, pain, and fear
Will in time crash to grave's throng?
That broken innocence might become whole again?

Will I believe
That in the face of death and chaos,
Your love will bring in healing;
That people shall be found; who were once lost.
And in their complete being, Your hand will heal
The broken soul and body?

Will I believe You?
Yes-Your word is truth.
I know it as such.
But will I trust You,
And cling to You, even when the fog turns blinding?

A people wandering and need to be found.
Something is rising up in my soul,
I gotta shout it aloud.
Our deepest longing:
We want Your embrace -
See Your face.
Because it's only by Your grace
We are able to call You, " Daddy".
We know the hurts, but we know of something more.
Yearning for Your truth to kill the lies,
Yearning for Your love to be poured out:
Unquenchable, unconditional, and immeasurable.
We cry out for Yours to become Yours
Claim the territories as war's spoils;
Take back what was stolen from us.
We ask for heaven to pour its oil
Today.

We ask for today!
We ask that the promises You proclaimed
Be manifested today.  What You declared come true.
In all the ages and years, You remain the same.
Boldly we come, because You are faithful to answer.

We know what we seek is not seen.
At least not now; at least not for the moment.
So we continue to press in, expecting...
Pursuing purposely, because You are not dormant.
What You have spoken shall come to pass.

True, sometimes it is dark.
We can only see a small light
Shrouded by a hidden tunnel.
We don't know how to walk in the night,
Yet we cling to Your side -
Knowing You will lead us home.

And so we hope!
Despite all the things that came out of Pandora's box,
Faith is alive, and hope lives.
We invite You to come, we answer the door's knock.
Let Your name be glorified even at this time.

Because before we even sought Your face,
You longed for us to be Your own.
You loved before we asked for Your grace.
And now, You and us become "we",
As we respond to Your call.

We give all of ourselves to You, Jesus
King, Ransomer, Lord.
We are not made whole by our righteousness,
But You covered us with Your sanctifying blood.
Before the throne, we are now justified.

How is it that You wanted us
After all that we did, and who we became?
But You said we were worth it -
You would take the blame.
And now, You adopted us, poured out Your favor.

Abba!  Thank You for Your saving hand.
I cling to You as a child with his blanket,
Because I know without You, I cannot make it.
But Abba!
There are still others around
Whose pain reigns in their souls
Maybe they know You, maybe not...
Either way, I am crying out
I will not stop
Because I know Your promises will be revealed
And the truth of Your love and majesty
Will be seen.
What was hidden from us
Now will be hidden in our hearts.

You are Sovereign and Lord over everything...
You see, hear all things;
And You indeed are in control.
You are in control.
I know that what You have said is true,
What You have declared can be written in stone.
So I will expect for today
Pray for today, until today comes.
Yes we will stand firmly
You are faithful
And faithful to answer.
The fulfillment of Your promises will be made known
Either now or later...
Healing and redemption WILL come...

Your ways are higher than ours
And Your thoughts far outweigh our wisdom.
You are God,
And You love us just 'cuz.
You are good and sovereign.

So...will I believe You?
Will I trust You?
Will I surrender?

Yes.

I will believe in Your promises;
I will trust You;
I will surrender all things into Your hands
Because I know
It is You who will bring all things to pass.