"For He says: "In an acceptable time I have heard
you, And in the day of salvation I have helped you." Behold, now is
the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation...For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,
that He would grant you,
according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might
through His Spirit in the inner man,
that Christ may dwell in your
hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love,
may be able to comprehend with
all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height--
to know the love of Christ which
passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." - 2 Corinthians 6:2; Ephesians 3:14-19
I
remember the first time I saw the trailer for “Me Before You”. Emotions stirred as I saw how a woman fell in
love with a quadriplegic man, seeing him for all he was; she didn’t stall by
the physical apprehensions his body held.
In fact, I watched the trailer twice.
Oh man, how I wished that someone could love me like Lou loved
Will. How I longed for someone to look
past my physical disability, and love me for me. Chick flicks have never been my thing. Nevertheless, I have desired to be in a
relationship…someday. And when a
romantic film comes out depicting one of the main characters as having a flaw;
primarily, a physical one, I take notice, because the movie relays an
individual looking beyond the brokenness and loving the person, either in spite
of it, or overlooking it altogether. I
remember asking a friend, several years back, if it was bad that I desired to meet my future husband
before I was healed. Because if he knew
me before any healing took place, then I believed that I could be convinced
that my husband will love me unconditionally.
Oh, the poor man…What an expectation I would put on him. One in which he should not have to bear, in
any such manner. Bless his soul if he did
marry me while I was still in that same frame of mind.
One
has to ask a question of why was I so drawn to such a plot-line. What is the thing in me that awoke, making
the movie go beyond that of entertainment?
These thoughts and emotions, though stirred by a romantic film, actually
go beyond any discussion of relationships.
Yes, I have longed to be loved romantically. But what the movie, “Me Before You”, relates
is an individual valuing another person…though the eye sees it, the heart is
blind to the brokenness that is so obvious to the person who lives with the disability. That’s what I have longed for my whole
life. That the flaws and brokenness I
see in myself would be invisible to those around me. This goes into a life-long root of
identity. And despite what any friends
could say, I still saw myself as the handicapped one of the group. Broken.
Sublevel. Valueless.
Honestly, I know these beliefs started
forming before adulthood. I think in the
effort women in my family used to keep me safe as a child (because, God knows I
could be more prone to injury due to living with cerebral palsy and a seizure
disorder…), fear, rather than faith, was spoken over me. I am not blaming them. I know they meant well. It was in the mannerisms in which they kept
my safety that led into more of this fear, however. And since I couldn’t stand them being so
fearful for me, I did anything and everything I could to defy them. I swam in open water…by myself. I climbed mountains. Played sports. I would intentionally push my limits,
because, in my mind, no one was going to question my ability. And no one was going to question my value as
a person.
I played tough with my friends. First and foremost, yes, because I partially
had to, knowing I had to compensate for my right side, by over-using my left
side. Additionally, it was inwardly to
prove something. I play so tough, that
some of my male friends have dubbed me, “Lenovich.” A name that, as they describe, embodies the
picture of a tough Polish hockey player you may or may not want to mess with.
Thing is, my friends have never said that I was less than them. They have never looked at me as having any
less value, or not being able to assist in work or ministry despite living with
a disability. Nevertheless, I have
lived, for 26 years, with an instinct that friends and acquaintances might.
And that “might” was enough of a drive to push me to prove myself to the
ones that are closest to me.
That is…until recently.
Going back to the film, I read an article
on the “Me Before You” film. Spoiler
alert: Will dies, and it is because he travels to Switzerland to have an
assisted suicide performed.
Bam!
Just like that, my heart broke.
Not necessarily because one of the main characters die. Yes, it is sad. Would’ve loved the idea that Lou and Will
eventually got married, had a family, and lived life out. But I had already heard that Will dies at the
end. However, I thought it was due to a
terminal illness, not because Will couldn’t stand to live life out in his
wheelchair, so he decides that it’s better he is dead than learning to live
life differently since he no longer has the use of his legs.
No, my heart broke, because one of the
main characters couldn’t see himself worthy of living, despite his
circumstances. Living with cerebral
palsy, and being a part of a community that lives with disabilities, as well as
being a Special Education teacher, I take this seriously. Now, I have neither read the book, nor
watched the film. I am probably judging
this work, before really seeing it.
Perhaps the author wrote the ending as such, to display that even as
much as we love someone who struggles, we cannot save them. I have read a little bit about it, and know
that Lou’s character did all she could to persuade Will that he was worth
living for, living with, and loving. But,
I can’t get it out of my head the message that may be sent to the disabled
community: “Because your body/mind is
disabled, that means you are broken, and you are better off dead.” Again, I do not mean to judge the author, but
sometimes things are written, and unintentional things are translated; perhaps
the author had no clue what she displayed in writing Will’s death by means of
suicide.
All I knew is that after I read that
article, saw the message given, I knew automatically, that it (the message) was
a deliberate lie from the devil. How
dare he say that I have no value; that I am better off dead?! I don’t know what it is…but I have noticed
that sometimes it takes a direct attack from the enemy to know that you’re
worth fighting for. Something finally
clicked that I was –no, I am – worth something.
I have just as much value as anyone I pass by. Living with a disability does not mean that I
am better off dead – even if that death is in the form of the way I live.
This happened June 11, 2016. I, then, was leaving my parents’ home for
Indian Youth Camp the next day. This
year was my second year at IYC, and my expectations were to serve the kids who
would be attending. I spent the week
before praying for the camp, and expecting God to move in the campers’
lives. The idea that I would personally
receive something wasn’t exactly at the forefront of my mind. It wasn’t that I didn’t believe I could
receive anything; it’s just that often times when one ministers, they may not
expect to be ministered to (I don’t know why that is, sometimes).
Anyway, I decided to sit in the youth
services, after I ran my errands for the camp in Kalispell. The first night, Pastor John Weasel talked
about how we are all in need of something.
He also discussed how so often, it is in our nature to not want to ask
for help. We will try to do everything we
possibly can in a situation before finally asking help, because we do not like
to admit that we may need someone else.
The next night, he preached on shame, and how it twists the perspective
we have of ourselves, because we see the bad things in us, and we then do not
trust ourselves to be vulnerable with anyone, even God, because we have a guilt
that pushes away.
A need for help. Shame.
Yeah, I have dealt with those. In the back of my mind, I admitted it
too. After praying for the kids
that had gone up forward, responding to the message, I felt that God wanted me
to ponder on what had been said…but for me.
I never wanted to admit help growing up, because there was a shame I
held. I believed that my identity was
defined by my physical need, and in that need, I was less than others. It pushed me to prove that I was just as
valuable as those around me. My identity
was based on my fear of their possible
perception of me. Note the possibility,
not the actuality. My friends have not
treated me as subhuman due to any disabilities I live with, but in meeting new
people, it was an apprehension I hid.
I think God wanted to break that
apprehension off of me, for good. I had
a friend who once asked me if I believed I was whole, in spite of living with
cerebral palsy. I said, “Yes,” but I
wonder if it was to save face, or I didn’t want to get into the subject any
deeper, as we were with two other friends who would’ve been new to these inward
thoughts of mine. Perhaps I wanted to
believe, but just couldn’t seem to grasp it.
Either way, I went to IYC, though growing closer to God, still living
with a life-long rooted lie…and it was about time it was going to be ripped out
of the soil. However, I came to camp to
serve and minister. And so, though I
knew that I related to what was spoken, I inwardly knew that God was going to
have to chase me a bit more directly to convince me that He wanted to address
this root head-on.
Monday night of camp: During worship, I saw a picture of someone
running up behind me and giving me a big wrap-your-arms-around kind of
hug. And the understanding was that
person was Jesus.
Tuesday night: This was the night I admitted that I needed
to let God talk to me. A lady came by
and felt like she should pray for me.
She mentioned a breaking off of generational curses, forgiveness, and healing. That God would meet me in the midst of any
loneliness. If I heard her correctly,
she also mentioned my healing would open doors of healing; a healing for
physical, as well as inward wounds. We
talked after she prayed, and she mentioned that it was through our brokenness,
God’s light is able to be shown through to the world. It is in our brokenness that He is made
perfect, and thus He deserves all the glory.
Thursday night: After another alter call, a
friend of mine came up to me, and felt the need to pray with and for me. (Again, seriously? And mind you, I never went to these
ladies. They both saw me from a
distance, and felt the need to pray for me.
God really wanted me to get something through, I’m sure.) She felt that God told her that He has great
plans for me, but there has been a belief that I can’t obtain those plans. There was also a need to pray protection from
Satan, because he would like for me to believe that God’s plans for me aren’t
true. She prayed that the truths and
promises I have prayed for the students at IYC, would also be internalized
within me. That these would then be
deepened in my core, and wash over me like waves. She then asked me how I felt after all these
things…
I feel assured, confident, whole. Yes, whole.
Truly. Something had awakened
that the truths of God are truths for me.
I knew it, but finally, I feel this truth has addressed a life-long lie,
one that has been rooted since I was a little girl. It cornered this lie to such an extent that
it couldn’t mask itself any longer, and must be done away with.
I have used strength and toughness to
cover my weakness, because I feared that it would lower my value in peoples’
eyes. But God…He is the definition of my identity, and the determination of my worth. I realized after reading the
commentary of the “Me Before You” film, and the confirming things spoken during
camp, that I have nothing to prove,
because there is nothing to prove. God does not see me as His little handicapped
daughter (the view I lived so long fearing others saw me as) – never did;
rather His love is deeper and more intimate, like the husband who sees his
bride as whole.
God’s love is immeasurable, and because I
have been made in the image of God, I am valuable. I am not meant to be thrown away, despite my
physical background. As one of the
worship songs at camp stated: “How can I say that I am lost when You have
called me found?” Point deeply taken. I
need to stop describing myself as broken, when God has declared me whole in
Him. I’ve been saved since I was 10
years old, but 26 years is a long time to hold onto a fear despite being His
child. It’s about time I throw off that
old root, and see myself as my Father sees me.
