Prestine

Pristine...
What is it?
The immaculate
Without mar
Or ruin.  In its form
It is perfect.

Yet, a glass
Tells a different story.

The sun's kisses
Have stained spots
Upon cheeks.
One hand grips in strength,
While a wrist is curved
In weak display.
Scars, callouses and cellulite
Glitter my skin, marked
By miles hiked on life's trails.
Muscles tethered
Joints strained,
Years of wear from
Battles on grass and dust.

The crows rest 
Next to my eyes,
Revealing the tears
I have cried.
The lines above
My brow shares
The worries I've endured.
Creases lay
Where dimples should,
Uttering the joyous
Moments felt.

No, my body
Isn't pristine.
If it were,
It would prove
I never lived.

However,
Maybe it's not the form
But the story displayed
That makes 
My body pristine.

Apparently, I'm Fat

I stared at myself shocked.  I looked amazing!  It was the style I needed, totally my personality, and just look at that price!  It was $16.00 (and from the mall!).  But the shock was more at the label.  An extra-large?  Apparently, this store needs some new eyes, cause that’s the first time I’ve ever needed that size at…my size.  As I compared my figure in the mirror to the piece of paper attached to the fabric, a dark humor then kicked in.  And we wonder why girls are starving themselves.    Comfortability in one’s own skin has been an ongoing battle for girls and women for many generations.  Within my own formative years, it was one that was lost daily.  Sure, I had the “perfect” body, but I questioned by what standard.  After all, “you are skinny” is not synonymous with “you are beautiful.”  It has only been when I have gotten older that I have taken a holistic understanding of my health and body, thereby appreciating it - in its different forms.     Not that I look that much different from my teens.  I stopped being gangly about the age of 15, and with the interest of playing sports combined with puberty, my body became a small, but built box (as I call it).  I am still similar in form, though I have recognized more curves to my hips and skin.  However, where my teen self would be mortified at such a notion of being bigger than skinny, I now am coming to an understanding that my body is going to go through many seasons.  And it will take on many forms.  My goodness!  What will I look like in my 50s or 80s?  What fat and wrinkles will I have then?!

    The truth is, in my thirties, something changed.  I could tell it takes more activity and less food to keep the same image I have kept the last decade or so.  Hormones are a lovely thing, aren’t they?  But not only is the feminine biology to blame.  In the past couple of years, my season of life has changed as I have lived with families, and so, my diet has changed.  Am I still active?  Yes.  But are there other important components of my life to which I must be present?  Also, yes.     When my image is taking precedence over relationships, it is a red flag that physical health is an idol.     There is more to health than what is seen in the mirror.  There are plenty of people who “have the perfect body”, but their amygdala is going on high alert.  Or, all the right nutrients are being fed, but the emotions and soul are left depleted.  True health is more than just what form the body takes.  But it’s taken me some time to personalize this truth for me.     Some things are out of our control.  And as the years pass, the more things are added to that list of things out of my control.  My brain could hyperventilate concerning what I need to fit in my box, or I can change the box according to my season.  I choose the latter.  Especially in the matter of health to my body.     Because I do enjoy food.  I sometimes want a treat.  There are going to be times when I am with people or on vacation and won’t be able to work out as hard and long as I wish.  There may be a time I will be a mother, and well, who knows what that’s like.  And, with strength and conditioning, there is NO WAY I am going to be mini.  But health and beauty doesn’t dictate that one has to be.  Look at P!nk.  That woman can sing, do acrobatics…at the same time.  Her body needing to be strong enough for her shows will change based on the demands.  She is no twig, but she isn’t supposed to be.     If there is one thing I could tell my teenager self, it would be:  prepare your body for what is presently needed.  Whatever that looks like, no matter, as long as you are healthy - that is what counts.  This public obsession over the latest trends of losing fat and how many less calories to eat, and body types is overrated.  Why aren’t we concerned with feeding the person physically, yes, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?     We are in a time where that seems to be the trend.  Plus-sized women are becoming bolder (look at Lizzo), and fashion trends are designing clothes for women of all shapes and sizes.  It is now more possible to find something cute, no matter your form.  But simultaneously, women are praised for being big, but then are also disgruntled against having lost weight for health (medical) reasons.  Or if there are women who were skinny, then gained weight, we still say that time hasn’t been kind to them.  What the heck?! Even in the promotion for self-esteem and loving one’s own body, there is hypocrisy in the news and advertisements.     No matter how society bends, labels have been made and define the value of a person. Labels have rarely, if ever, carried a neutral stance. The irony is that I had a woman tell me that there are dresses being made for curvy women, and “they look great”, but she, herself a plus-sized woman, cowers from confidence.  She finds her security in hiding her form, but genuinely, she herself has never learned to love her body apart from a certain image. Though society had changed its definition, her reality was perpetuated by past labels so much so, that though she knew the beauty standard was more complimentary, she couldn't believe it for herself. With changing seasons, changing labels, and changing definitions, it is hard to keep up. Unless one is defined by a Label that cannot change.     The truth is every woman has been created in the image of God.  We have been fearfully and wonderfully made, and are here and now, for such a time as this.  There is a good work prepared for us.  And so - whatever your body’s form - whether it be extra small, or multiple x’s in front of large, the question is are we equipped for what God has in our lives?  Yes, the discussion for body image may include discussions for health (food and exercise, hormones, etc…) but to even address those sufficiently, one then must let go of the image that they have to be a certain way to finally have “the perfect body”.  No one has it, anyway.  Our lives ebb and flow in different paths, experiences and journeys.  The marks and forms we bear tell a story weaved as a tapestry.  If we weren’t so focused on hiding ourselves until we were “perfect”, I wonder what gift the world would receive.

My Shelter

A bloodstained heart
Beats for the ones
He came to die.
A devoted fondness 
Poured upon, undeterred.
What man may
Define or do;
Think or believe
Cannot withhold
The love You have 
For me.

How You are for me!
Your Grace reaches
To the depth of my soul.
I never need grasp,
Convincing or begging.
His majesty delights
In my being.

I admit: I forget.
Praises cease when 
The unfortunate is my focus.
If Your face is hidden,
Your presence unfelt,
Your voice unheard,
I'm quick to blame Your memory.
But Your ways
Are not my own.
Your foresight stretches
Into eternity beyond
My finite understanding.

I was persuaded
Your shelter proved
An elimination of any threat.
Nonetheless, when gray clouds surround,
You are holding me.
Protection established preparation
To face the enemy
In ways that running never would do.

When I thought it was me
Who fought for myself,
It was You who interceded for me.
You gave my legs 
Strength to stand.
You were the giver
Of words that needed to be
Spoken within the moment's
Danger.

I believed
Your goodness became evident
With the absence of evil.
Nevertheless,
Your faithfulness demonstrated
When death threatened my soul.
As tears touched the earth,
Your comfort drew near.
Your truth penetrates lies.
What scars I bear
Commemorate Your healing.

What redemption I hold,
Your love its inspiration.
What salvation bestowed,
It was Your desire first.
Grace's definition
By Your delight;
Never by my hand.

There are secrets
Only You know.
In my wanderings,
In the wrestlings,
In the joys that fill my eyes.
You see all of me, yet
In Your love,
Your arms cover me
As a robin's feathers
Flutter above her nest
In the rain.

*Romans 8:28

Little James has a Limp

     

      As the advertisements of the third season of the Chosen flooded my social media feed, I was prepared to feel my pain.  I was prepared to remember the questions I had concerning healing.  But as Jesus spoke with Little James, there were no tears.  As the words were uttered into the theater, all I could do was smile.  It’s hard to understand how much healing has transpired until what caused pain no longer does.  As I watched the screen, I was reminded that there is more to healing than the physical manifestation.     The controversy over healing is not a new argument.  There are Christians who believe that the signs of the Bible ceased when the written work was finished.  Some believe that as long as you claim a Scripture, that it is indeed going to happen.  For those of us who live with a chronic condition, Little James asked the questions we have secretly wrestled with.  Jesus spoke the words that gave comfort to our unspoken sorrow.  Nevertheless, the questions still linger, as beliefs about God’s goodness and the credibility of healing looms in the air.     One of the things that Jesus stated to comfort Little James was that the “Lord gives and takes away.”  Many Christians use this phrase to lessen the sting of unmet expectations.  Similar to the “Well, God needed them in heaven,” or “God has a reason,” nonetheless, the phrase does not satisfy.  The context of Job saying these words are used in a form of self-comfort, and subsequently, misleading.  “And [Job] said, ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall return.  The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21).”  Job, in an effort to worship God in response to the deaths of his children and the loss of his property uttered these words.  He attributed to God what was actually committed by Satan himself (see Job 1:6-12 for context).  I know that in pain, humans try to make sense of what doesn’t make sense.  However, claiming a demonic action to be the hand of God is very dangerous territory.  After the shock of the loss, the weight actually made Job question the character of God.  It isn’t until the end of the book that Job realized the misattribution and the magnitude of it all.  For if we claim an action of the devil to be God’s, then we will sooner or later, remove our dependence on Him.     God is good.  His character is good.  No matter what we may go through, this has to be assured.  Alas, the world is not black and white.  Nonetheless, we try to make it so.  If God is good, then only good things happen.  Or if something bad happens, either God did it, willed it, or it’s all our fault.  And with all these circumstantial webs, it’s no wonder Christians have devised formulas to figure out how the world works and manipulate it in such a way to prove that we are on God’s favorable side.  The truth is, Christians have decided to create their own form of karma.  And it has damning implications.     I grew up in a charismatic/Pentecostal background.  I heard prayers in tongues.  I have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit.  I have also seen people healed.  But I have also seen people die.  Legs have grown, and so have arms.  My own right hip was straightened in Israel this year, but my right hand still has limited mobility.  I had a pastor - and other people in my church - pass away from cancer in a span of six years’ time.  I also witnessed a man who was brain dead from a work accident later walk and speak in our church.  I have witnessed a teenager walk after a car accident she shouldn’t have survived.     Based on the public comments, am I to draw that in some circumstances God was moved and others, He was not?  Am I to assume that where people died, people lacked faith?  How would one know, unless someone knew them personally?  Ironically, most of the Christians who charge lack of faith as the cause of failure for a “in the moment healing” do so without knowing the people they are judging as faithless.  I agree with the motivational speaker, Nick Vujicic, as he boldly stated that those who are of the mind that a healing has to happen on this side of heaven, or else there is something wrong with a person’s faith - is by and large, promoting a form of the prosperity gospel.  And a gospel built on the amount of faith diminishes the mustard seed.  Furthermore, it becomes a gospel that empowers based on one’s work, rather than on the grace of God.     Those who assume that God is done with signs and wonders do so…honestly, I think from a sense of unhealed pain.  Whether it was their personal pain, or someone else who taught them to believe in this doctrine, out of a heart for protection, someone was hurt.  Someone had to have prayed and it didn’t happen.  When expectations are not met, humanity’s recourse is to protect from future harm.  Furthermore, because there have been a few wackos who have made miracles a spectacle, rather than a demonstration of the glory of God, I think some Christians play it safe, as to protect others from having too high of an expectation that God would choose to not meet.  This is the complete opposite of the prosperity gospel “name it/claim it” mentality, but it can be just as devastating.  For God is a God who is a Father and cares for His children (see Psalms 68:5-6; 2 Corinthians 6:16, 18; James 1:16-18).  He is still active, and it is more than just making us into good moral beings.  We are His image bearers.  And there are times that God wants His presence manifest through healings, signs and wonders.     Neither of these far wing opposites are the answers.  The reality of life is both are visible in the world.  I appreciated that The Chosen actually made room for this to be the case.  Not everyone got healed, but…of course, Jesus did heal people.  I would rephrase that.  I do not like saying that people don’t get healed.  I would much rather say people get healed.  Period.  But whether it is on earth or in heaven is the honest question.  Healing is absolutely one of God’s promises.  However, humanity in our finite understanding, has demanded that a promise is true or not based on an earthly timeline.  Even when we are an eternal people, with an eternal God, who has an eternal sense of time.     We have forgotten the premise of healing.  It is to show the character of God and His heart for His people.  God’s promises are indeed yes and amen, and His hand weaves in the midst of our lives, to glorify Him (see 2 Corinthians 1:20).  I think the question we, as Christians, ask is how can God be glorified if someone’s hand remains withered?  How can God be magnified when someone dies of cancer?  Trust me, I know.  I really do know.  I know the pain of asking and feeling like God skipped the memo on how I should be receiving.  I know the heartache of wondering if I should ask again (“Is it really Your will?  Maybe I should just take the hint.”).  I also know the resolve that God remains good, and He still cares and loves me.  So, even with my tears, I choose to trust Him.  I am not the only Christian who has had to face these questions.      In the Hall of Faith (found in Hebrews 11), there is a list of how God moved mightily in peoples’ lives throughout the Bible.  But then this is written: “Women received back their dead by resurrection.  Some were tortured, refusing to accept release, so that they might rise again to a better life.  Others suffered mocking and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment.  They were stoned, they were sown in two, they were killed with the sword…And all these, though commended through their faith, did not receive what was promised, since God had provided something better for us, that apart from us, they should not be made perfect (Hebrews 11:35-37a, 39-40).”  Yes, the context is concerning persecution.  But I think the application can be made concerning healing.  There are those who receive a physical healing on earth, and there are those who receive a physical healing in heaven.   May I remind - the same man who was raised from the dead after four days of being buried eventually died again.  The question is not if healing happens, but rather, when.  As believers, I think we would do well to ask God what He wants to do, in the moment we are in.     Lastly, I want to include why I smiled witnessing Little James’ tears.  The conversation between the disciple and Jesus had more to address than the matter of physical healing.  Little James scoffed at the manner of an unhealed man healing, but his pain was rooted in so much more than his limp.  “I am not strong like Big James.  I’m not eloquent.  I’m not like the others.”  But Jesus did not pick Little James for what he could bring, but rather, because He loved him and invited him to walk beside Him.  If Little James was healed, while holding on the perspective that he was minute compared to his brothers, then even without a limp, he would be ministering out of a wounded heart seeking proof of affirmation.  There are some things that not even a good leg or straightened spine or rewired neurological pathways or a stretched-out hand will fix*.  And that is because the worth of a person is not grounded in their ability or inability.  It is based on being created in the image of God.  Period.  God is most glorified when we stand in who He is and who we are in Him.     I think I was able to smile - because I have finally come to a place where I don’t feel the need for God to prove His goodness in my life.  I am able to see it and trust His timing.  I know His promises are true.  So, when I’m reminded of my own pain, I still ask my Daddy to heal.  I have a bunion pain that comes back here and there.  But you know what?  Every time I ask for healing, the pain leaves in that moment!  Sure, I would love the pain to never come back, but I will still ask.  Furthermore, I am learning that my worth is not in what I can do.  And isn’t that the story of grace, anyway?!  We were not saved based on our works, but on the work of Jesus!  So, if my identity as a child of God is not determined by what I could do to earn it, then what can I do to lose it?  My limp isn’t going to be one of those reasons.  So, may Christ be glorified.  Whether as a sign of His might, or in my brokenness to empathize with those who have to know about a God who cares for them, let it be.     Let it be.

*The actor who plays Little James lives with cerebral palsy and scoliosis.  I live with cerebral palsy on my right side and a seizure disorder. 

Selfish Motives Behind Missions

      Where do I begin?  Sitting to write all that has transpired in my heart in the last couple of months, I am found with a deep sense of remorse.  In the new lessons learned, I can’t help but reflect on my former years in ministry…and realizing how much I failed miserably.  Of course, from the outside, anyone would point out my readiness for servanthood and my loyalty to students and friends.  But what was it all for?  What really was my motive for leaving my hometown for another place?  Yes, Jesus was preached.  However, it would be more honest to say that in the midst of people accepting the gospel, if there was to be any credit given, then I wanted to make sure (or hoped it would be, at least) my name would be mentioned.  Though Jesus was proclaimed, a selfishness full of pride was my motivation.     I remember being a teenager and praying that God would send me to the “forgotten ones”, because it seemed like everyone else wanted to go to China and Africa.  “Doesn’t God want other parts of the world to hear about and come to know Jesus?”  I know what it feels like to be left out or chosen last.  I know what it feels like to be criticized and told only negative things.  I know what it feels like to be underestimated.  I know what it feels like to have the good things in me taken for granted.  I know what it feels like to be forgotten.     Empathy is not a bad starting point in seeing how God may direct our lives.  In fact, more often than not, Christians are more likely to minister to those who come from the same background or have similar stories.  Nevertheless, empathy without freedom lays a foundation in mutual lamentation that lacks a resolution.  And though I could say I did a good work on the Rez, I wonder how much of the work I did was actually dead, because I failed to make Jesus the center of it all.     Honestly, I think I spent more energy praying that my community would drop their addictions.  I hoped that my teens would learn to hold off on sex until marriage.  I wanted them to make sure their lives were better.  As if that was the end goal?!  But how much of that was good, but it wasn’t God?  Don’t get me wrong.  All those things are great aspirations, but in the realm of eternity, it was SO missing the point!!!  When it came to preaching about Jesus, I would encourage my youth to make sure they read their Bibles, pray and share about their faith with their friends.     But what faith did they really have?!  Let’s be honest.  We live in a nation where Jesus is the name of a good luck charm.  And if you have dealt with a lot of trauma, then the desire for change is of the utmost importance.  Jesus saves us from sin?  You mean there are consequences to my sin?  Let me clarify, we did preach these things and more.  I did, and still do, have genuine care for my Native friends and family.  However, I remember striving so much in an effort for my teens to have a better life, and I wonder if I compromised their ability to have an actual relationship with Jesus.  Moreover, I know this compromise occurred, because, unbeknownst to me, I ministered with a motive full of pride.  I had a genuine care for the people around me.  But…I also wanted to know I could make a positive difference in the world.     I don’t know what it is.  We want to be heroes.  I am no different.  I grew up with different interests for professions, but they all had one thing in common: I would make a positive impact for the world around me.  Funny thing is, if someone actually has to become a hero, it is often in a time of chaos.  At that moment, the fight/flight/flee system kicks in.  Adrenaline pumps extra oxygen through the body; senses are sharpened to identify possible dangers.  Fear is the primary motivation, and protection is the primary goal.     One way of protecting the self is to make oneself larger than a perceived threat.  In my emotional state, I am guilty of this.  I didn’t aim to go to the Rez, because I thought Natives were a threat.  However, I know now that I was always the first one to volunteer and help, because I “needed” to prove my worth.  I wanted to give a reason to be cherished.  I grew up believing my value was in what I do, so...I did.  And ironically, other life-long fears reared their effect.  And I had no clue.     Why did I want to live in an environment that was highly impoverished? Maybe it wouldn’t be a requirement for questioning, except for the fact that I was willing to help others; however, I wouldn’t dare ask for help for my own needs.  All this time, I thought I was helping people, but in my ability, I was also running away from my own inabilities.  Did I have any evidence of slight racism or bigotry?  At this time, I don’t know.  What I do know now is that in my prideful protection, I may have walked in a patronizing form, as to deny any proof of my own needs.     Growing up, I knew I was prideful.  I knew that I had a tendency to puff myself up.  Get me in a game, and the competition comes out.  I’m ready to kill or be killed (and you better believe it, it’s the former).  It was one of those sins that, though I knew it was deadly, I only saw it as a mere vice.  After all, it was affecting me.  Or so I believed.  It wasn’t until about a month ago that I realized the extent of pain I caused others, due to my pride.     Interning in Spokane, I thought I would be doing a lot more.  Like, A LOT more.  But here I am, cleaning toilets, and what other work I do is behind the scenes.  I wanted to do outreach, but I felt like God wanted me to go a different direction.  “I want you to do worship.”  Here’s the funny thing.  I am not on the worship team.  I hoped that maybe I could clean toilets during the week and help sing on Sundays.  And like God does with pride, He set me straight pretty fast.  “Why?  Is cleaning toilets not enough for you?” Ouch, Daddy.  That hurt.  In time, I am finding that the worship God wants me to develop during my internship is that of my heart.  Nevertheless, there is that pride that still haunts my motives for ministry, at all.     I never thought myself to be patronizing.  Without a backbone or boundaries, I understand how my people-pleasing enabled unhealthy habits.  However, I wouldn’t have categorized myself as looking down on others.  When someone was in a bind, I sympathized with them and would help as needed.     Unfortunately, I am realizing I make myself helpful, even when I am not needed.  One of the first people I met in church (Spokane) was a blind woman.  And can you believe I moved the trash basket to “help” her?  She had to tell me not to do that, because she knew where to find it on her own.  So, by me moving the bin, I was babying her, and not allowing her to take care of herself.   I wonder how often I have done similar things.  How often I have counseled when I should have listened?  How often did I implore sobriety when it wasn’t even their desire?  How often did I try to parent children that were not my own?  How often did I try to encourage self-help strategies without mentioning that it is Jesus who enables, empowers and strengthens us to do His will?  And how often did I jump into something with a solution before praying that the Holy Spirit would enter the situation?     As I look back on my time on the Rez, were there any seeds that actually will grow into godly (good) fruit?  Ah, the pain that is in my heart!  I tried to carry a God-size responsibility on my human-size shoulders.  And all because I spent my adolescence and adulthood running away from my own weaknesses!  Because as much as I cared for other people, I wouldn’t dare let them know my own crap.  Even as I write, I am still guarded.     I still self-protect, because I have learned that I need to care for others, and it is selfish to admit my needs.  Yet, in believing that ideology, I have built a wall in receiving God’s love for me.  As long as I have these walls, then I will perpetuate the biased view that those less fortunate than myself somehow need my help.  As if my help is what will save them.  And save them from what, exactly?  Let’s be serious.  So much of work in an impoverished community is about how we can make their lives better.     But if a family remained poor, is it possible to be wealthy in the kingdom of heaven?  If someone gives up their drugs, is it possible to fall for another addiction?  If a person never broke sexual immorality boundaries, could they still be absent from receiving love? Could you have everything right, and still have everything wrong?  Could a wealthy man find himself in need of assistance with rent?  Could hopelessness be found among the affluent alongside the impoverished?  Could you have everything and still be lost?     The matter is not where one does ministry.  Each of us are going to be called to our separate spheres.  However, especially among those of us who do work with communities with noticeable needs, I am learning to become more hesitant to point out what they need.  To restate, I am not advocating to leave the poor as destitute and fail to supply for needs.  What I am advocating is that we stop earmarking ministry as serving those less fortunate than us.  Because the truth is, the lost are everywhere.  They can be found anywhere.  We were once them. And what they need most is Jesus.  There is such a focus on morality, that morality has become a god for us.  It has become a standard by which we determine that we must be on the right trail.  However, many have done “good things” and have missed it, because they don’t have a relationship with Jesus (see Matthew 7:21-23).     Recently, I went on a prayer drive in the neighborhood my Spokane church is based (Hillyard).  I know what is said about this place.  It is one of the worst neighborhoods in the city.  And yet, on that drive, I felt like God spoke two direct things concerning how to pray.  “Do not judge a house by its cover.  Do not pray prayers based on stereotypes.”  That doesn’t mean that real life issues won’t come up and be addressed.  But I am becoming more convinced that God is wanting the priority to be that people come to know Him.  Where my focus is will direct my prayers and my hands-on involvement.  (When I feed the hungry, am I trying to give them relief, or am I trying to show that Jesus loves and cares about them?)     I don’t know if I will ever go back to the Rez.  I would like to.  I miss my Native people.  In light of this revelation, I realize how wrong I have been concerning ministry.  I am so sorry that I ever made it about me.  What the heck was I thinking?  Honestly!  Should I move on from the Rez?  Some people may say so.  I have even had to let it go in this season, because God wanted to show me that there are people all over the place who need Him.  But I remember my desire for the forgotten ones.  Maybe I’m drawn to the destitute places, because, in reality, I want to share with them that Jesus has never forgotten them.  We may forget, but He has remembered.  However, before I can go back - if that is God’s plan for my life - I know that I must also believe for myself that He loves me.  He values me.  And my worth is not determined by what I can do.  Until that is grounded into my identity, I have no business in relaying a gospel my mind doesn’t comprehend as truth; although, my heart knows it is so.
   

The Lie of a "Good Christian"

Saved by faith.  Maintained through grace.  That is the game.  However, how many of us Christians determine if we are “good”, based on what we do or fail to do?  I can’t tell you how many times a family member has told me I’m such a “good” Christian, because of how much I read my Bible, for how involved I am in church, how often I pray, and how little I cuss.  Oh, if they only knew the truth! Yes, I read my Bible daily.  Yes, I try to be involved in as much as I can be when it comes to church gatherings and events.  I participate in my Bible studies.  But prayer - if I am stressed, how little I actually pray.  And as for colorful language?  Well, stress also has its influence.  The truth is, none of this matters if we are going to determine the goodness of a Christian.  Frankly, our goodness never began with us.  And therefore, it does not end with us.     The perpetuation that what makes a Christian “good” is by how much they can do for God is ludicrous.  It puts certain believers on a pedestal and for those who are on those pedestals, the pressure to never sin or make a mistake is surmountable.  For if one thinks that a person is good by how much they can do for God, then what does that say if sin is present in their lives?  Are they a liar? Or is the system actually a lie in of itself?  Paul wrote, “O foolish Galatians!  Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified? This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by the hearing of faith?  Are you so foolish?  Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect by the flesh…just as Abraham ‘believed God, and it was accounted to him for righteousness.’  Therefore know that only those who are of the faith are sons of Abraham (Galatians 3:1-3, 6-7). The Galatians were Christians - who believed Jesus died for them - but, because of a circulating lie - came to believe that they had to do certain things to sustain their faith.  I want to clarify - in no way am I suggesting that we, as grace-filled Christians, should make the assumption that we are able to do whatever the heck we want without consequence (see Romans 6:1-7; 1 Corinthians 10:23-33) or that it’s okay to approve of sinful behavior (see Galatians 5:16-26).  What I have become increasingly intolerant of is the matter that many Christians have defined their status with God based on what they can do, rather than the actual work of Jesus. Yes, we need to be obedient to what God has said.  Yes, we need to take the steps to develop a relationship with Him that encompasses a daily walk.  Knowing God is more than just a once in a while or once a week.  But our status as a “good Christian” is based on the work enabled and empowered by the Holy Spirit.   After all, with Him, there would be no goodness in us found.  As pointed out by the prophet Isaiah, any good act we try to do was as filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6) The truth is any works apart from Christ is dead.  And any effort to earn God’s favor based on the amount of “Christian” or “church” things we can do are misleading.  It takes our eyes off the actual Gospel. “I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.  For if he who comes preaches another Jesus whom we have not preached, or if you receive a different spirit which you have not received, or a different gospel which you have not accepted - you may well put up with it…I marvel that you are turning away so soon from Him who called you in the grace of Christ to a different gospel, which is not another; but there are some who trouble you and want to pervert the gospel of Christ.  But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you than what we have preached to you, let him be accursed [condemned to destruction]!  As we have said before, so now I say it again, if anyone preaches any other gospel to you than what you have received, let him be accursed.  For do I now persuade men or God?  Or do I seek to please men?  For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.” - Apostle Paul (2 Corinthians 11:3-4; Galatians 1:6-10). Modern Christianity has bought into the lie that one must be productive and busy in order to be a “good Christian”.  This would go into a longer discussion, but one can be doing the “right” stuff, and still be missing the mark, because it is work that wasn’t ordained by God.  Busy does not equate fruitfulness.  Attendance does not equate faithfulness.  Vasts of knowledge does not equate knowing God intimately.  We need to stop aiming to be “good” Christians, as if our goodness is dependent on us.  The righteousness we have is ONLY because of what Jesus has done on the cross. Now, the health of our relationship with Jesus can be affected by how much we put into it.  It is similar to how we build relationships with other people.  On this note, be encouraged that a relationship doesn’t require body-building levels of community service.  It doesn’t require memorizing the Bible and becoming a living Encyclopedia.  It doesn’t mean one has to be available to the public 100% of the time, or hours of endless intercession.  It doesn’t mean having to attend every event or volunteer for every ministry.  Actually, when it comes to calling (an extension of this subject), it is important to know how God has fashioned and fitted you.  In summation, if one wants to determine that they are a good Christian, it is only by understanding that it isn’t by how much one can do, but rather by the strength of the relationship we have with Jesus.

Lessons from The Crown

      There’s an allure concerning royalty. The public loves to mock the idea of a continuing monarchy, but simultaneously, holds a level of awe and respect for one who holds that position.  Moreover, there is the occasional fantasy of what it would be like to be one of the royals (or part of their family).  What is it about royalty - and more specifically, the British family - that captures our attention so?  Perhaps it is the wealth, prestige, influence?  Maybe it’s the scandal.  Diana Spencer - more properly known as Princess Diana - has been dead for a little more than 25 years, but we still cannot get over idolizing her in the public eye.  Furthermore, as Charles has become king, the world (or at least Americans) cannot get enough of reminding him how horrendous he was - and must still be - due to his infidelity.  The Crown is a dramatized biopic on the reign of Queen Elizabeth II.  In season 5, she must address the breakdown of her family’s marriage on a personal and political level.     In watching this season, I couldn’t help but reflect on expectations of duty, honor and family reflected in the first few episodes.  Disclaimer:  I have heard that the show aimed to be more historically accurate, however, in the fifth season, they used a lot of creative liberties.  This might be due to the fact that much of what is seen was probably witnessed by one person, or these people have since died before anything could be confirmed.  I am not claiming that the following examples are true in its account.  In fact, they may all be fictionalized.  However, in The Crown’s portrayal, I found I may understand a little of the complexities of being a part of the royal family.   

Poster advertising for The Crown, Season 5

    Lessons from The Crown (Season 5):
1) Even the Queen wasn’t immune from mistakes.  There were moments that Queen Elizabeth had asked for something to be done.  Nay.  She didn’t just ask.  She sometimes demanded, based on her position of sovereignty.  Queen Elizabeth II is sometimes seen as an untouchable person (the fact that she died (though being 98 years old) still surprised most of the world).  Maybe she was the next closest thing to God, Himself.  We forget that she was human.  And though she aimed to influence with honesty and humility, it doesn’t mean she got it right all the time.  I actually find comfort in this fact.  So often, I have felt an immense internal pressure to be perfect.  Of course, friends and family are quick to say, “No one’s perfect.”  But what if I was in Queen Elizabeth’s position?  The higher the pedestal, the greater the influence, the heavier the weight to never fail.  No one can live under that expectation and seeing this failing in Queen Elizabeth’s portrayal only reminds me that instead of judging politicians and leaders, maybe I should pray.  If I want mercy when I make a mistake, perhaps they do, as well.  It’s high time we stop worshiping people in high level positions.  
2) Consideration for grace and truth when the family is falling apart.  When Elizabeth’s childrens’ were divorcing, she was appalled at the notion, and demanded that they reconsider.  As a Christian, I can empathize with her outcry.  Divorce is disgusting, because it damages the family unit.  God meant for marriage to last.  Nevertheless, Queen Elizabeth demanded something that was not in her realm of control (no matter the expectations of royalty).  I know how easy it is to want to control something in someone else’s life, because what is being desired is unhealthy or ungodly.  And yet, I am not God.  I cannot change someone’s heart or behavior, and therefore, the best thing I can do is pray for the person.  I can walk with the person.  Speak truth but it’s so important to surround them with grace and love.  In The Crown, Charles and Anna seemed like they were being made to feel that not only are they failing their individual families, but their mother and the entire country by divorcing.  Would empathy have changed their situations?  Maybe, maybe not.  But in navigating such a painful situation, I believe grace would have fostered reconciliation, rather than resentment. 
3) The sanctity of marriage should have been fought for more than the public image.  I find it odd that the royal establishment would oppose divorce in the name of public image but would turn a blind eye to any form of infidelity.  This notion wasn’t just shared in The Crown.  In The King’s Speech, the future King George VI is speaking to his brother that he shouldn’t marry his mistress in order to keep up the image, but he could “keep her on the side” (marrying a divorced individual was NO BUENO!)  To reiterate my second point, marriage IS meant to be sacred.  However, requiring individuals to stay in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of saving face is only going to perpetuate the problem.  Anna divorced because she was cheated on.  Charles had cheated on Diana.  Even on a biblical basis, these divorces were allowed.  Would it have been great for the couples to go to counseling and heal?  Absolutely!  But it is important to take the necessary steps to actually heal rather than cover it up in the name of “God doesn’t like divorce” and hope for the best.
4) One cannot love and care for others beyond what love has been received.  According to The Crown, Diana didn’t seem to understand the position of royalty vs. family dynamics.  The public knows how empathetic and kind Diana was, however, there was simultaneously a yearning to be loved by her in-laws.  In the show, she then sulks and turns inward.  Searching to be loved, and pleading with family members, she became the victim.  On one hand, I understand that it wasn’t really about Diana.  The focus of the royal family was to support the Queen.  However, I disagreed with the Duke of Edinburgh when he told her that when Diana wanted a family centered approach, she misunderstood the expectation.  At some level, politics are politics, but family is family.  And if someone doesn’t know they are loved, then the compassion they have for others will stall.  I’ve learned this the hard way.  I poured out so much wanting affirmation and love from the people I was giving my attention to, but in the end, because I wasn’t finding my source of love from Someone who can always give it, I turned inward and fell into depression.  Diana did the same, and also became involved in adultery before her divorce.  Personally, I am learning that I MUST find my satisfaction from Jesus, first.  People will have expectations, or in their own short-sightedness or selfishness, leave me.  Will I be defined by their love?  If so, then I will become a victim and become selfish in how I serve people.  But, if I know that God’s love for me will never end, even if my heart is broken, I can still love others in the way that He does.
5) Even the bad ones can still do good things.  One of the most shocking things I found in The Crown, frankly, was finding out all the charity work that Charles emphasized back in the 90s.  We hear so much of his infidelity to Diana and how horrible a person he was, that many people across the pond probably don’t know about the things he did for disenfranchised youth (i.e., The Prince’s Trust, which was begun in 1976). 
    That last point is something I want to weigh in, considering the real King Charles III.  As he will assume the throne, much of his reign will fall in speculation, because of his failure with Diana.  I have never seen anyone applaud Camilla as an option for Queen Consort.  As this transition occurs, the world seems to only find criticism.  In doing this, we are sinning against Charles and Camilla. 
    We are holding onto an offense that is not ours to judge.  Yes, Diana was an amazing woman.  Yes, she served the people graciously.  Yes, Charles should have cut it off with Camilla.  But can we please stop acting like their sin was against us?  Their sin was against their families, against each other, and most of all, to God.  I wish we could say we could change the past, but we can’t.  And so, we must look forward.  How may we extend mercy to the royals?  After all, if any of us ever committed adultery and repented, wouldn’t we want a chance for a blank slate?
    I don’t know if Charles and Camilla know Jesus.  I don’t know if they have repented.  I hope they have.  It doesn’t make sense to call for their divorce now that they are married, but I pray they apologize to God, and to their family members.  Frankly, I desire reconciliation in their family more than a public apology.  After all, they didn’t sin against me.  I am not one of their subjects.  And even if I was, the divorce primarily affects their family, not me (if Diana hadn’t died, I bet she would have still done charity work within her realm of influence).  If there is anything that can summarize lessons from The Crown, it is this: No person is perfect.  We all have sinned and need Jesus to redeem us of our wrongdoings and to empower us to reconcile with our families.  As Christians, may we extend this truth to those who need it.  Including King Charles and Queen Consort Camilla.