Make Me Lovesick

(Song of Solomon 8:6-7; 14)

How long has it been since I sought You?

Do I even long to see Your face?

Has it come to a place

Where I am thankful for what You’ve done,

But never love You for who You are?

Forgive me.

Easily, time will age into a distance

Of forgetting the very reason

Why I fall on my knees. 

Do I recognize who I bow to?

You are Lord, the Sovereign One, Most High,

Above everything.  My Maker, Savior and Healer.

I remember clearly the moments You rescued me

Out of the jaws of hell’s grasp.
However…in my gratefulness, do I forget to love You?

Your grace was far more than Your ‘Rescue 911’.

In Your redemption, Your heart was jealous for me

To know You. That in a moment, time might halt

And I would recognize Your voice,

And return the gaze. 

Forgive me.

Let us be strangers no more.

Come hastily, my Groom and my worship

Will be for more than Your benefits.

Knock on my door, and I will open my bed.
I long for Your presence;

I enjoy the pleasure it is

To sit at Your feet and know You.

Gratefulness turns into adoration,

I am lovesick for You.

“Set me as a seal upon your heart,

As a seal upon your arm;

For love is as strong as death,

Jealously as cruel as the grave;

Its flames are flames of fire,

A most vehement flame.” 

"Will I Believe?"

I was on Facebook, when it notified me that I had posted something four years ago.  A poem I had written back in college.  Reading, it's cool to see the prayer that was on my heart.  What's more amazing, however, is how much this prayer has become stronger as time went on.  As I see my community, and Reservation, it is explicitly clear that the only answer to our hurts, questions, and to save us from our sin is Jesus.

Pain, hate, hurt.
People are getting burned by other people.
Folks wondering what to do when hell is around.
Bashing, lashing, and thrashing
Catfights, dogfights in the night.
Winds are blowing hard
Storms are brewing
Disease comes and goes as it pleases
Anger is stewing.
Everyone wondering if something will be done.
In the world of chaos and confusion,
Desperation and death,
Where is the sun?                                                                                                                                                                   
 Hope...Faith...

Will I believe You-
In spite of all that I see and hear-
That Your promises
Are for today and are for real?
That it is capable to stand on what was said so long ago?

Will I believe
That heaven can come to earth
And despite the present circumstance,
New things can be given birth?
Will I believe that new can break out of the old?

Will I believe
That fortresses that have stood strong,
Holding in secrets, pain, and fear
Will in time crash to grave's throng?
That broken innocence might become whole again?

Will I believe
That in the face of death and chaos,
Your love will bring in healing;
That people shall be found; who were once lost.
And in their complete being, Your hand will heal
The broken soul and body?

Will I believe You?
Yes-Your word is truth.
I know it as such.
But will I trust You,
And cling to You, even when the fog turns blinding?

A people wandering and need to be found.
Something is rising up in my soul,
I gotta shout it aloud.
Our deepest longing:
We want Your embrace -
See Your face.
Because it's only by Your grace
We are able to call You, " Daddy".
We know the hurts, but we know of something more.
Yearning for Your truth to kill the lies,
Yearning for Your love to be poured out:
Unquenchable, unconditional, and immeasurable.
We cry out for Yours to become Yours
Claim the territories as war's spoils;
Take back what was stolen from us.
We ask for heaven to pour its oil
Today.

We ask for today!
We ask that the promises You proclaimed
Be manifested today.  What You declared come true.
In all the ages and years, You remain the same.
Boldly we come, because You are faithful to answer.

We know what we seek is not seen.
At least not now; at least not for the moment.
So we continue to press in, expecting...
Pursuing purposely, because You are not dormant.
What You have spoken shall come to pass.

True, sometimes it is dark.
We can only see a small light
Shrouded by a hidden tunnel.
We don't know how to walk in the night,
Yet we cling to Your side -
Knowing You will lead us home.

And so we hope!
Despite all the things that came out of Pandora's box,
Faith is alive, and hope lives.
We invite You to come, we answer the door's knock.
Let Your name be glorified even at this time.

Because before we even sought Your face,
You longed for us to be Your own.
You loved before we asked for Your grace.
And now, You and us become "we",
As we respond to Your call.

We give all of ourselves to You, Jesus
King, Ransomer, Lord.
We are not made whole by our righteousness,
But You covered us with Your sanctifying blood.
Before the throne, we are now justified.

How is it that You wanted us
After all that we did, and who we became?
But You said we were worth it -
You would take the blame.
And now, You adopted us, poured out Your favor.

Abba!  Thank You for Your saving hand.
I cling to You as a child with his blanket,
Because I know without You, I cannot make it.
But Abba!
There are still others around
Whose pain reigns in their souls
Maybe they know You, maybe not...
Either way, I am crying out
I will not stop
Because I know Your promises will be revealed
And the truth of Your love and majesty
Will be seen.
What was hidden from us
Now will be hidden in our hearts.

You are Sovereign and Lord over everything...
You see, hear all things;
And You indeed are in control.
You are in control.
I know that what You have said is true,
What You have declared can be written in stone.
So I will expect for today
Pray for today, until today comes.
Yes we will stand firmly
You are faithful
And faithful to answer.
The fulfillment of Your promises will be made known
Either now or later...
Healing and redemption WILL come...

Your ways are higher than ours
And Your thoughts far outweigh our wisdom.
You are God,
And You love us just 'cuz.
You are good and sovereign.

So...will I believe You?
Will I trust You?
Will I surrender?

Yes.

I will believe in Your promises;
I will trust You;
I will surrender all things into Your hands
Because I know
It is You who will bring all things to pass.

One of My Worst Enemies: Being Alone

I can't stand to be alone.  Don't ever want to be there, and if I have to sit and ponder in an isolated time-frame of about three hours or more, I suddenly panic.  I want to run away, and find a friend to be with.  Call me an extrovert.  Except, there are times I do need my space, and just talk to God one-on-one.  But the majority of the time when I'm home, I am alone.  No one lives with me, and it has been that way for about a year and a half.  You probably would think I'd be used to it by now, but I'm not.  Because there is something in me that still longs to be loved.  Not necessarily romantic, but loved and wanted.  However, if I am given a whole day with God, I freak out.  I don't know how men in the Native American culture did it.  They would go on these vision quests, by themselves, for a period of four days.  I can't even stand one day.  I guess I am weak.  I am needy.  (Makes me wonder sometimes if I only love God for what He can do for me, or do I truly love Him?  But that's another subject.)  All I know is that I hate the idea of being isolated, and I will instinctively try to do anything I can to make sure that I will not be left alone. Having a hang-out?  I'll be there.  Bible study?  Of course.  On Facebook reading peoples' statuses as a means to believe that I'm taking part in their lives?  Yep.  Just don't leave me alone. The unfortunate thing is that I forget that God is always around, and can be trusted. This is where I am.  It's hard, because if I was honest with myself, I don't know if I can say that my heart fully believes that He satisfies me.  I want to believe though.  I am in need of learning to trust God to be the Father He really is, to me.

“Iciness of Loneliness”

Dear Abba Daddy,

I fear the quiet.

I know I shouldn’t.

I hate the solitude and silence,

Though I know that You are

In the midst of the darkness.

Yet, it’s not the lack of light,

But the absence of warmth

I shrink back.  Loneliness has its own icy sting.

My heart is anxious: will the lack 
Of the sight of me
Lead my presence to succumb 
To the subconscious of the minds?

Papa,

Please.

Bear with me.

Is it okay to feel this way?

Be forgiving if the answer is no.

To the laughter of a friend’s voice,

I will run.  In the arms of a loved one,

I will cherish.  To ask me to stay

Here alone with You, I shudder.

Because the physical sight only sees

The empty room.  In the waiting,

So many thoughts come crashing

In a moment’s notice.
 
And though You’ve told me

You will never leave,

Never forsake,

A long enough breath leaves me

Begging and wanting.

I miss the naïve days…

In my dad’s arms where I playfully rested.

Where the sight of me drew in a hug,

Protected; and I knew

I was treasured with the smile given. 

I miss hearing the words,

“I love you,” without ever earning the phrase.

But now, I am alone. 
 
Childish?  Perhaps.

However, I am still Your child.

Time and growth has demanded

The security blanket fall away;

But I still cling to the innocent hopes.

I am in want of someone

To tell me they love me.
I long to be held

In the kind of embrace that proves

I will never be let go.

I know that You are omnipresent,
You are to satisfy; and yet, You do not.

I don’t mean to blaspheme.
I don’t mean to dirty the sanctuary.
But Daddy, I need You near. 

Everything I had put my full trust in is now a shadow.

You are the only One I can depend upon.
Do not be far away.  Bring me close.

Please, Daddy.

Hold my hand.  Carry me

Through the night while I sleep.

Walk with me down the aisle of life.

Don’t let me go.

Always Your little girl,

Laura Emily