“Resentment grows when… *We put God-sized expectations on humans *We deny responsibility in the name of unaffordability *Inaction is taken in the presence of sin and is called mercy *We are encouraged to be silent in the face of hurt *We require an apology before extending forgiveness *We speak of reconciliation as an expectation before trust has been earned and repentance has been admitted.” -Journal entry: February 11, 2025
Forgiveness is one of those things that brings a word of encouragement on a Sunday morning, but in its practicality, it is hard to live out. Even harder than processing an offense in of itself, is when the offense has been perpetuated either by recurring instances, poisoned arrows are targeted at the core worth and/or identity of the victim, or the offense was committed by one whom betrayal should have never been a suggestion. As a Christian, forgiveness is discussed as a requirement of the one who has been hurt. After all, Jesus died so that we can be forgiven our sins. Nevertheless, any Sunday sermon on the topic quickly includes reconciliation. A restoration of a relationship. For those of us who have deep grievances, making reconciliation a requirement of forgiveness can often have the reverse effect. “If I have to reconcile with the one who hurt me to prove that I have forgiven someone, is forgiveness even possible?” Furthermore, requiring reconciliation too soon can remove the safeguards needed so that the sin isn’t repeated.
Within my own journey of forgiveness, it has come in stages. I learned to avoid my offenders by running away. I have learned to tolerate limited engagements (because I knew growing up that reconciliation “had” to be a thing). God challenged me that avoidance wasn’t truly forgiveness, and constantly being triggered was evidence that I wasn’t fully healed. Part of my forgiveness journey was learning to confront the one who sinned against me. And yet, even in confrontation, there are still areas where I feel as if I am not heard. The offenses keep coming. I’m tired of the B.S. and I frankly, am to the point that I wonder if the solution to my pain and ending the person’s sin is to put them on blast and distance myself completely from the individual. Not only for the safety of my own heart, but that of my family’s.
But what of reconciliation?
What of it? Don’t my scars carry enough evidence that reconciliation isn’t possible? Every time I give room for a chance, not only does my anxiety spike at the mention of their presence, but it never fails that something happens to prove the person has not changed. So…reconciliation…can it even be a thing, right now? And the cycle of wondering if I’m just sensitive or if the matter is truly of sin, feeling defeated for the relationship, as well as my own spiritual well-being continues.
Until recently.
I just finished reading about Joseph in the book of Genesis. The spoiled little brother, who after being sold into slavery, became second-in-command to a Pharaoh in the time of immense drought (see his story in Genesis 37, 39-43). From his brothers’ perspectives, they had a “right” to be offended, because their father’s favoritism became overt and love appeared conditional. From Joseph’s perspective, he had a “right” to be offended, because those he should have been able to trust the most for his well-being betrayed him. Initially intent on killing him, but thankfully was deterred by another temptation: financial gain. But frankly, which was worse?
Nevertheless, the time came when all the brothers were face to face after several years. Perhaps two decades worth. Unlike his teenage years, Joseph had gained some power; and he could yield it however he chose. And yet, Joseph did not smear his brothers’ sin to the Egyptians. He did not refrain from helping them in their need. In fact, he paid for their portion of grain. But he also inquired of their history. He did, technically, falsely charge them as spies, and even while waiting for the youngest brother to make an appearance, required that one man be held in prison. Joseph even set up a test to see if his brothers’ hearts had changed from vengeance and committing sin to turning toward repentance. Was forgiveness and reconciliation displayed completely in a healthy way? I’m sure that opinions can vary, but, as I am learning to grow in this area of my life, I noticed several things:
-Joseph served God as faithfully as he could, while his life was not the most fair (i.e. enslaved, sexually tempted, then charged with sexual assault, and lastly, put into prison when he was innocent)
-He did not (as far as we can tell from Scripture) talk about the betrayal of his brothers among unrelated parties (he didn’t go around gossiping about his pain)
-He was willing to bless his brothers, even when it was unknown if they were repentant
-He DID give a test to see if his brothers’ hearts had changed
-He did not require them to pay for their past sins
-Time was allowed to pass before attempting any form of meeting, and reconciliation
-He credited God’s hand and grace in the midst of their error (see Genesis 50:19-20)
So what does this mean for me? For those of us who have been hurt by the ones - especially by the ones whom we should have never been hurt? The topic of forgiveness and reconciliation is tricky, not because of its doctrine (although navigating grace and justice in its practical form in an effort to balance the two is quite the feat in itself), but because of the reality of what it will look like, honestly, will vary case by case.
Forgiveness is an unconditional requirement when we have been sinned against, because Jesus provided for our salvation even while we were sinners. But reconciliation is conditional based on trust being regained. It is a goal to aim for, but sometimes, because repentance hasn’t been displayed, a restoration of the relationship cannot result. And perhaps the offender has made their attempt, but in discussing trauma, triggers are a real thing, and so time…even if it means waiting until eternity…may be required. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but a good one, because if any of us find ourselves having sinned against someone, repenting on the part of bringing healing for the wounded rather than just staying on “good terms” must be required so that repentance proves genuine.
Forgiveness is not just letting things go. Which is perhaps why one can be stuck at forgiveness, but remain jaded at the thought of reconciliation. We feel that to forgive means to not require boundaries. Keep our traps shut about our pain. Just get along.
But that isn’t what it is. Forgiveness, as far as I have studied in the Bible, is just releasing the problem to God. Allowing Him to take care of the person who hurt us (see Psalm 10:14). And sometimes - opposite of what we wish - that means the way God desires to care for our offender is for us to restore the person.
Note that I didn’t write “restore the relationship”. I wrote “restore the person”. In this discussion of forgiveness, does our hurting hearts require the offender to be shamed and feel the depravity of their sin, or do we desire that the guilty one be carried and their relationship with God be restored? Forgiveness is - as challenging as it is to admit - requires those of us who have become victims of other peoples’ sins to trust that God must do the avenging (even if that is the form of His mercy and grace), and our next step is when the time comes that we can either tear down the one who offended us or seek to bless, we seek to bless. We desire that God would restore that person to have a right relationship with God and with others (see Galatians 6:1-5). We seek their benefit, rather than their demise. God’s justice isn’t just about righting a wrong, but also pointing the offender to a better way (i.e. difference between punitive punishment where we want wrath rained down or wanting discipline where they have a consequence that can teach them and enable them to be better). “If it is possible…live peaceably with all men…if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink…Overcome evil with good (see whole passage in Romans 12:17-21).”
But recognize that just because forgiveness was at work in Joseph’s life (the starting hints are the fact that he worked faithfully and had a godly character even when he was wronged) doesn’t mean reconciliation wasn’t a thought. Even as a slave, could Joseph have wondered if he would see his family again? Forgiveness is required, but reconciliation may take time. And sometimes, it may not happen at all. Even though Jesus died for everyone to be able to get saved doesn’t mean everyone is going to go to heaven, automatically. We must put our trust in Him and His work for our souls to be reconciled with the Creator in Heaven, that we may be called children of God. In the same, I don’t think Joseph would have invited his family to live in Goshen (outskirts of Egypt), if he didn’t know he could trust his brothers.
Nevertheless, reconciliation must remain a goal. Again, this will look differently for each situation where an offense has been incurred. This may mean apologizing and making jokes again. It may mean having dinner together where it once was avoided. It may mean a healed marriage. Sometimes it may look like remaining divorced but wishing the other person well. It may look like praying for the criminal that killed a family member. It may look like never seeing each other again, because trust has never been restored. Reconciliation IS dependent on if trust can be restored. A way to differentiate forgiveness compared to reconciliation is that forgiveness is a restoration of relationship with God, whereas reconciliation is restoration of the relationship with the person. Sometimes reconciliation can happen; and sometimes it never can happen. And the reality also remains that some sins have legal ramifications that can extend beyond God-given reconciliation, so what can be accomplished on earth can be limited. But reconciliation cannot happen if forgiveness is not desired.
Forgiveness can always be extended, even if it isn’t the time to be reconciled, or even if reconciliation never occurs. The goal of forgiveness is seeking God’s heart for the person who hurt us, whatever that may be. Forgiveness allows our hearts to be humble enough to let God open a door of reconciliation, when the time is right. It may be hours, days, or years. But do we - who have been hurt (though in need of being wise like serpents, also be innocent as doves) believe that reconciliation is possible?
For many of us, that is the greatest challenge, because in our present moment, all we see is the sin. We see the pride or defensiveness. We see how there is no apology and lack of intent for needed change. And with all this talk of forgiveness and reconciliation, it is hard, because we can battle feeling like we are being told to let our guards down when we don’t know if we can.
To speak in love…golly, that is hard! Because when I have been hurt, I just want my offender to feel what I have felt. I instinctively believe that must be required for them to learn repentance. Dang!! And yet, even in forgiveness and reconciliation, I am still responsible for myself. I am not responsible for the offender’s original actions toward me, or even how they may respond to my confrontation.
But I am responsible for my heart’s intent towards them. Even my intention will influence how I confront someone. Even my heart’s intent will encourage how I respond if a door of reconciliation is opened. When I have been hurt by someone, I am required to answer the questions, “Am I seeking what I want or what God wants in this situation? Am I seeking for the other person to be reconciled to Him, no matter what they have done, and even if the relationship survives or not? Am I focused on the behavior and not just the person?” The root of these questions really come down to: Do I want God to redeem this person, and do I believe He can do it?
As I have said before, we do a disservice to our hurting when we communicate forgiveness and reconciliation to be 1) synonymous, or 2) must happen simultaneously or 3) forgo proper boundaries for safety. However, they are related, and it is God’s desire for reconciliation to happen, if at all possible. But before reconciliation with our offenders can occur, we must have restoration of the hurting heart. And for a heart to no longer be wounded, it must refrain from running away, refusing to stay silent besides gossip, and most of all, the heart needs to learn to trust God’s goodness and love toward them, and also believe it for the sinner. We all have sinned against someone before, and if we can see God’s reconciliation in us, how can we not want it for those who have hurt us? Easier said than done, though. With all this written, here’s to the doors that God is challenging me to step through…one moment at a time…one step at a time.
