Parasite: “an organism living in, on, or with another organism in order to obtain nutrients, grow, or multiply often in a state that directly or indirectly harms the host” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary).
We have parasites in our society. Some are entitled - never seeing a need to pick up a responsibility; when it is theirs to own, they pawn off their accountability to another. Some are coercive - the nutrients they seek are power and admiration, and they gain it by exerting control. Manipulation is the method, and it can easily be noticed. However, understanding the motive - or rather, answering the question of why someone continues to utilize such a sabotaging apparatus within their relationships can be quite confounding.
There are manipulators who outright denounce responsibility on their part; either due to immaturity or with maleficent intentions. Nevertheless, manipulation can be more common in the church than one may compare to a criminal. It may be a strand within our culture, even over the course of generations. It is done with the intention to meet a legitimate need, but does so, rather illegitimately (as stated by Steven Furtick). In recent reflections on the matter, I have found that there are three contributing features to why someone manipulates, but doing so without a malicious intent.
1) They have a sense of learned helplessness. When there was a struggle, they were either not taught how to deal with the problem, or there was someone readily jumping in to save them the trouble. The long-term effect resulted in a person doubting their own capabilities and becoming overtly frustrated that they have to deal with conflict in real time. They are desiring for someone to come save them, because they haven’t been taught how to address the situation, for themselves.
2) When there was a problem, those in authority and had the responsibility to address it, failed to. They taught the message that avoidance was a tool in avoiding conflict, and keeping the peace will smooth the roughest edges out. Nevertheless, in their silence, the problem only persisted. Manipulators, sometimes, indicatively know that a problem (or a portion of it) isn’t their own responsibility, but they try to exert forced influence upon the one whom the responsibility does hold.
3) The individual may have been forced to carry responsibilities they weren’t supposed to be held accountable for. Since they are carrying someone else’s weight, they don’t have enough bandwidth to carry what is actually their responsibility, and so, in moments of crisis, they desire for someone to bear a load that isn’t theirs…all because someone else chose they couldn’t (or shouldn’t) deal with their own struggles.
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In taking the effort to confront unhealthy family patterns, I have realized that I can be a manipulator. I can be a parasite in a social circle. Of course, it was never intentional. I just wanted to fit in. I just needed support. But I failed to know what a proper boundary line was. For many of my problems, I was either sheltered (someone took care of the solution) or told to ignore it (deny that it was problematic). I often became the source of wisdom for others, and the ‘free therapist’ friend.
Yeah, that one always baffled me. Why was it that most of the people that I wanted to hang out with, kept their distance, but then the ones that I wanted to spend time with - I ultimately ended up carrying their emotional loads (with hardly a moment for them to carry mine)? Despite the social circles, church activities and volunteering, I felt like no one could really understand me, or perhaps I gave off a needy vibe. Worse, when there was a healthy friend interested in me, I usually ignored them (like, THAT was helpful!). And the last thing I ever wanted to do was use anyone…so any need I had, I silenced. Better to be depressed and alone, than to dump my crap on somebody’s lap. Most of my adult years, I have been extremely lonely.
Much of my parasitical habits were driven by a victim mindset that I either couldn’t handle what was in front of me, or because I was so busy carrying other things I drained my own strength to sufficiently address my personal concerns. The manipulation in my life has been paradoxical, in nature. On one hand, I am quick to assist others with their problems (taking on responsibilities that aren’t mine). My empathy and being able to see things from different angles is a vital skill in weighing out what is the best possible outcome. Nevertheless, when it comes to my own life, any slight notice of discomfort or distress, these molehills really do become mountains, because I didn’t learn how to deal with a molehill in the first place (learned helplessness).
I manipulated others by constantly finding a friend (usually a third party) to air out every emotional grievance I had or resorting to writing to my offender, so they couldn’t verbally attack me. I was never content if a problem remained unresolved (introducing the constant anxiety). Especially, if I believed that a portion of the accountability was in their hands, and they were failing to take ‘the proper steps’. I made a common practice of overstaying my welcome in social gatherings; usually was one of the last ones to leave the party. I failed to ask for help or share my needs, but I also held unspoken expectations of how others should meet those needs (and then got ticked off when they didn’t pick up on those hopes or cues).
And, as for Jesus’ role in all of this? I know I should go to Him and depend on Him for all my needs. But…life’s experiences have a funny way of undermining trust in the character of God. Praying to God looked more like whining, because I just wanted a physical action taking place to solve the problem. And later wasn’t going to cut it, because if it was later, it might as well be never. (Again, this was my thought process; not what should be wired in my brain.)
Boundaries are healthy, as they determine where one begins and ends. However, we often fail to take into consideration God’s role in our lives. Erby, we then force ourselves or others into a role not meant for them. At the end of the day, that need was supposed to be filled by Another. As I grow as a wife and mother, I no longer want to be stuck in the same cycles that have perpetuated my brokenness. By identifying the ghastly manipulative tendencies, I feel like there has been a freedom shown, and wholeness to result This will occur with three steps:
1) Identify and assert my boundaries. I need to know where I begin and end. What are my responsibilities and what are not. Affectively address what is in my realm of influence, and forget all else. Additionally, learn to respect the boundaries of others. I am not the center of the world, and to expect people to be constantly vigilant and ready to meet my needs and desires is serving an immature and selfish mindset.
2) When a conflict presents itself, seek to address it, not avoid it. This is a skill I didn’t have modeled as a child, but that doesn’t absolve me of my responsibility as one of the adults of my home. True peace making comes when one “speaks softly, but carr[ies] a big stick (President Theodore Roosevelt).” This action will serve to support step #1, and will also help create new healthy patterns for my family.
3) Invite God to meet needs that are beyond my control, but still remain outside the responsibilities of others. This doesn’t negate the desire for all parties to self-reflect and see their growth points and action steps. But rather than get in a bind where someone isn’t stepping up where I believe they should…ask God to intervene. In between the time of identifying the need and the need being met, “God will [either] use people to meet someone’s need or will give an individual the strength to address the need on their own (as stated by Becca Meek concerning Philippians 4:8-13).” And sometimes the person God wants to meet me is Himself, because ultimately, I was created for His pleasure and glory.
In summary, the parasitical tendency in me will die once I shift the focus of my worship off of myself and back onto Jesus. It will die when I admit my needs and trust God to empower the solution, whatever it may be, done with His hand leading, rather than my own.
