Blank Checks and Empty Promises

 Resist the urge
To promise,
"Let me know
If you need
Anything."
Anything?
Really?

What if my need only
Revealed itself as a want;
What if I became skilled in
Executing another's work
To replace my responsibility?
What if my needs were true,
But their burdens were too
Great to bear?

Anything is an empty hope;
The offer given in respite
As to assure neighborly care.
But if the check was cashed,
Could you refrain from resentment
Against the one whose debt
Your bank had to pay?

What I fear:
You reply with "anything"
To appear polite,
Without the intention
That I may actually ask you -
Banking on your follow through -
Cross the street - I dare you -
Rather than wait for another Samaritan
To nurse a wound
Family could have healed.

A blank check
Of anything
Becomes an empty promise
That users will take more
Than their share;
And the ones who needed 
A simple something
Will refrain from admitting 
Such a thing.
Or else be labeled an abuser of compassion,
Because frankly,
The something desired
Was a presence beyond
Milestone celebrations and headlining chaos.

Without friendship,
Anything becomes nothing.
Within friendship,
Something becomes everything.

Thunderbolts*: A Picture of Mental Health Support

  Yelena halted her anxious steps, turned around, and faced the growing Void.  Ever present and creating shadows of every existing soul, she finally realized why he had been so secretive of his demons.  And yet…she knew the only way to stop the darkness was to enter in, saving not only the world of this threat, but also the one who was always haunted by its presence.

    Sometimes, I have felt like I could understand Bob.  Always wanting to be better; desiring to bring good into the world.  And yet…simultaneously, worried that if people knew the worst of me, they would forsake me to the Void.  Their only help is to hope I can fight it on my own.  Maybe,  they will pray for me.  What they may not know is that although, in my stubbornness, I aim to fight, the more I fight alone, I become more overcome by the enveloping darkness.  What I secretly desire - and what I need - is someone to enter the fight with me.     
    Mental health acts as a psychological quicksand.  Within seconds, an individual can swing from okay to overwhelmed by a storm of emotions.  Those who find themselves in this war know they can’t do it alone; they need help.  But because of the insurmountable weight, they are afraid to plead their needs, because they don’t want to drown those who would try to rescue them.  We cannot deny its existence, but we also cannot leave those who suffer to do so, in silence.  Frankly, isolation becomes a common “solution”, because the weight is too much to bear for any one person.  And those who carry its heavy burden would rather die than dump their baggage on unrelated bystanders.  Unfortunately, some take that route.
    When Yelena disappeared, her father was distraught.  About to run in to save her, the rest of the Thunderbolts had to hold him back, so he wouldn’t disappear - and perhaps die - too.  However, Ava knew that Yelena didn’t make impulsive decisions.  If she entered the darkness, there was a reason for it.  And maybe…maybe there was a victim of the Void worth saving, even if his soul was its host.  So, as a team, aware of the demons they had fought on their own, turned toward the darkness, in order to bring the lost boy to freedom.

Janitor AI
Found on Google Images

    I doubt that the original Avengers would have been able to rescue Bob.  Not that they didn’t have the super powers to do so.  But I don’t think they had the heart to save someone when they were the villain.  At least, while the Avengers were in their infancy (aside from Natasha Romanov; which may be the beautiful paradox that it was her younger sister who led the charge to not leave Bob in a mountainous incinerator).  It took a civil war for Steve Rogers to convince the rest of the team that Bucky was worth saving, despite all the evil he committed within half a century.  It took many global and intergalactic wars fought before the Avengers admitted they had their own personal battles they had to reconcile. 
    The reason why the Thunderbolts* worked for Bob’s rescue was because they were fully aware of their sins and were trying to change.  They took time to earn Bob’s trust.  What began as a joke of trust, because when dealing with tough emotions, one should just “shove them way down” turned to “you can trust me”, while he was in his hero form.  However, that was minute in comparison, because the phrase only occurred when the team saw Bob at his best.  Bob eventually realized he could trust the Thunderbolts only when they refused to leave him alone in his struggles, even when they saw his Void’s darkness taking over him. 
    The Thunderbolts* knew what it was like to be broken, and therefore, they knew they could help someone who was broken.  All ever Bob wanted to be was a hero; U.S. Agent also desired the same accolades.  But both had hidden pains that compromised their ability to be a savior the world needed.  Yelena lived with constant functioning emptiness.  Ghost understood what it was like to be used for scientific testing, only to lose control of oneself. (So much for the battle of who had the worst childhood trauma.) Bucky knew the struggle of fighting one’s own mind, and having to remember the truth when so many lies had been programmed.  The Red Guardian…ha…he kept the optimistic view that there was still good, in spite of all the evil.  That’s why he still had so much hope for his little girls, despite all the red they spilled.  Each of the Thunderbolts* witnessed themselves become villains and the depravity it caused, and if Bob could be saved from his guilt, it was worth the try.
    Relating Bob’s character with the mental health conversation, not everyone is a Thunderbolt.  Heck, sometimes we can only wish to be an Avenger.  We know people shouldn’t be left alone with their demons, but balancing what is appropriate support is hard to navigate.  We can encourage developing a Sentry mindset.  But as seen in the film, encouraging a hurting person that they are suddenly powerful, infinite, and indestructible only created a delusion that they were fixed, while the Void was looking for the perfect deception.  There’s nothing like believing you’re on top of the world to create the exquisite disappointment when reality shoves your trauma back into the mirror when you least expect it.  Believing you’re the hero when there is a villain waiting to be unleashed only opens the door to hurting bystanders.  No matter how hard you try.
    The complexity of mental health requires a multi-faceted approach, as well as perspective taking.  It is too much to ask the person struggling to tough it out and fight alone.  It is also unrealistic to expect people to save the person.  Even with the best of intentions, failure can be a result.  Yes, Jesus is the answer.  But we need to be careful to not suggest that a person wouldn’t ever need the extra support, just because Jesus is present.  What would that say of Israel’s victory occurred when Moses was supported by Joshua and Hur (see Exodus 17:8-16)?  Of how the apostles often traveled in pairs (see the book of Acts)?  Job’s pain was intensified when his support only sought to accuse and tell Job how he needed to fix it, rather than sitting with him in his suffering. 
    And yet…Jesus is THE answer.  People or substances cannot substitute what only He can do.  After watching the movie, I remembered one of Jesus’ darkest times while being on earth.  The garden of Gethsemane (see Matthew 26:36-46).  Jesus knew His purpose was to save all of humanity from their sins; but even His human side trembled at the thought of what was to come.  What did Jesus do?  He asked his three Thunderbolts (James, John and Peter) to come pray with Him.  The thing was, His Thunderbolts failed to carry Him.  That didn’t stop Jesus.  He still pleaded with the Father and wrestled with His temptations to not be the Savior of the world, because it would mean not being able to ‘save Himself’.  Jesus knew, ultimately, that He needed to meet with God.  But He also knew He needed support.  Nevertheless, when the support lacked strength, He persevered, because He believed that God was sufficient to meet His needs.
    When mental health is a threat, it is important to know the roles we fit, and the responsibilities held:
If you are a BYSTANDER/ OG AVENGER: you are part of the acquaintance pool.  You may  know the individual by name only.  Maybe you know them, personally, but aren’t really close.
1) It is okay to check in with the person, when they cross your mind.   It is a simple act that shows you care, and gives evidence against the lie that their mind is trying to tell them that no one cares.  Be careful to check in with them, for how they are doing, and not only just because they aren’t attending the community events. 
2) Resist offering advice, especially advice that seems to suggest “toughing it out” or “just go outside and do something”.  People who are struggling with mental health issues are battling with themselves, and no matter where they go, they are bringing their brains with them. 
3) If you feel comfortable, invite the person to a social event.  This does help bring them out of their headspace for a little while.  Often, our “Bobs” are wishing others took the initiative to build friendship.  I bring up the point for social engagements, because it is meant to be lighthearted, but not turn into an intervention.  It can serve to deepen a friendship, if possible, but not exclusive to that purpose.
4) It is okay to make it clear if you are a person who may not be able to handle details concerning their circumstances.  If you don’t know what they are going through, or have a lot on your plate, or are not apt to carry more than you should emotionally…don’t put yourself in a position to do more than you should.  That being said, offering a hug and telling them you care, is helpful.
5) It is also okay for the person to not give details about their struggles.  They may say they are “doing alright” or that they “are taking things day by day”.  They aren’t trying to deceive you, but they are also trying to take care to not load on you more than you should carry.  You can ask follow up questions, but be prepared that you still may not get the whole story.  But that may be okay, because the details of their war should really be reserved for their Thunderbolts.
6) Pray for them that God would meet their needs.
If you are a THUNDERBOLT: you are a close friend or mentor, and know the person very well.
1) Be intentional about checking in on a regular basis, depending on the schedule that you know you can keep to.  Invite them to things, or if able, ask to come over.  Don’t underestimate the power of a hug.
2) Be willing to ask follow-up questions.  Listen to the full story with grace, and wait to give advice.  When offering suggestions, do so with room that movement or change may come slowly.
3) Be willing to sit with them in their pain.  The first order of business isn’t about fixing their  thought patterns or beliefs or circumstances.  Although that may be part of the long-term plan, often the initial and most powerful step is for them to know they aren’t doing it alone. 
4) It is okay to set up a boundary of how often you can check in, and how long one “session” can be.  After all, you aren’t Jesus, nor are you to be a replacement.  Secondary trauma is a thing, and while you are carrying for your friend, you also need to make sure you won’t be overwhelmed (and then, unable to help in the future).
5) Pray for them that Jesus will meet them in their needs.
If you are “BOB”: the person struggling with your mental health…
1) Do not fight on your own.  But also, identify who are your bystanders vs. Thunderbolts.  This will help set up proper expectations on who should be in your circle to help carry your hurts with you.  If more specialized care is needed, don’t be afraid to advocate for yourself.
2)  Recognize your Thunderbolts’ limitations.  Even your Thunderbolts won’t be able to perfectly care for your burdens with you.  Additionally, it isn’t realistic for them to hold your hand every single moment while you're fighting.  The Thunderbolts purpose isn’t to fight your battles for you, but support you while you fight.  (Bob was able to defeat the Void when he was encouraged to face it.  But none of his new friends could overpower the Void.  Bob had to choose to believe the truth of being cared for over trying to wrestle with the Void, in his own strength).
3) Intentionally say “yes”.  ‘Yes’ to invitations from friends.  ‘Yes’ to finding time to do one thing you enjoy in the day.  Sometimes the ‘no’ to busyness is a ‘yes’ to rest and relax (having too many engagements through the week can also serve as a distraction, so balance is key).
4) Make a choice to receive a different perspective on the situation. Sometimes we're so focused on the problem that we believe there is no solution. Sometimes we think it's always other peoples' problems to fix, when, actually, we may have steps to take ourselves to pull us out of despair.             5) Turn to Jesus to help reframe the thoughts in your mind.  The long-term change won't happen immediately, but each step will move you closer to being more healed. 
    It isn’t either Jesus or friends.  It’s both (but, underlining that the foundation of it all still is on Jesus’ redemptive ability).  I cannot promise that the battles will completely cease, though I wish they would.  They may diminish in their power.  Even Robert Reynolds found consolation in remaining hero-less - in order to keep the villain at bay - as long as he had a family who could love and care for him.  Maybe in the MCU, someone can come up with a way where Bob could be Sentry without turning into the Void.  But for now, being Bob without being abused or forsaken and yet fully known, is enough.  Sometimes a check-in, taking time to listen and sympathize; sometimes allowing tears to pool at Jesus’ throne is enough of a reminder that the darkness has lost, though it aims to continue intimidating the soul of one’s mind.  And that…can be enough hope to persevere into tomorrow.

A Mother's Poetry: "Loving Farts"

Oh child, my dear,
You are such a charm,
Especially when you lovingly fart
While I'm holding
You in my arms.

My Experience with Manipulation

 Parasite: “an organism living in, on, or with another organism in order to obtain nutrients, grow, or multiply often in a state that directly or indirectly harms the host” (Merriam-Webster Dictionary). 

    We have parasites in our society.  Some are entitled - never seeing a need to pick up a responsibility; when it is theirs to own, they pawn off their accountability to another.  Some are coercive - the nutrients they seek are power and admiration, and they gain it by exerting control.  Manipulation is the method, and it can easily be noticed.  However, understanding the motive - or rather,  answering the question of why someone continues to utilize such a sabotaging apparatus within their relationships can be quite confounding. 
    There are manipulators who outright denounce responsibility on their part; either due to immaturity or with maleficent intentions.  Nevertheless, manipulation can be more common in the church than one may compare to a criminal.  It may be a strand within our culture, even over the course of generations.  It is done with the intention to meet a legitimate need, but does so, rather illegitimately (as stated by Steven Furtick).  In  recent reflections on the matter, I have found that there are three contributing features to why someone manipulates, but doing so without a malicious intent. 
    1) They have a sense of learned helplessness.  When there was a struggle, they were either not taught how to deal with the problem, or there was someone readily jumping in to save them the trouble.  The long-term effect resulted in a person doubting their own capabilities and becoming overtly frustrated that they have to deal with conflict in real time.  They are desiring for someone to come save them, because they haven’t been taught how to address the situation, for themselves.
    2)  When there was a problem, those in authority and had the responsibility to address it, failed to.  They taught the message that avoidance was a tool in avoiding conflict, and keeping the peace will smooth the roughest edges out.  Nevertheless, in their silence, the problem only persisted. Manipulators, sometimes, indicatively know that a problem (or a portion of it) isn’t their own responsibility, but they try to exert forced influence upon the one whom the responsibility does hold.  

     3) The individual may have been forced to carry responsibilities they weren’t supposed to be held accountable for.  Since they are carrying someone else’s weight, they don’t have enough bandwidth to carry what is actually their responsibility, and so, in moments of crisis, they desire for someone to bear a load that isn’t theirs…all because someone else chose they couldn’t (or shouldn’t) deal with their own struggles.
                    *****

     In taking the effort to confront unhealthy family patterns, I have realized that I can be a manipulator.  I can be a parasite in a social circle.  Of course, it was never intentional.  I just wanted to fit in.  I just needed support.  But I failed to know what a proper boundary line was.  For many of my problems, I was either sheltered (someone took care of the solution) or told to ignore it (deny that it was problematic).  I often became the source of wisdom for others, and the ‘free therapist’ friend. 
    Yeah, that one always baffled me.  Why was it that most of the people that I wanted to hang out with, kept their distance, but then the ones that I wanted to spend time with - I ultimately ended up carrying their emotional loads (with hardly a moment for them to carry mine)?  Despite the social circles, church activities and volunteering, I felt like no one could really understand me, or perhaps I gave off a needy vibe.  Worse, when there was a healthy friend interested in me, I usually ignored them (like, THAT was helpful!).  And the last thing I ever wanted to do was use anyone…so any need I had, I silenced.  Better to be depressed and alone, than to dump my crap on somebody’s lap.  Most of my adult years, I have been extremely lonely. 
    Much of my parasitical habits were driven by a victim mindset that I either couldn’t handle what was in front of me, or because I was so busy carrying other things I drained my own strength to sufficiently address my personal concerns.  The manipulation in my life has been paradoxical, in nature.  On one hand, I am quick to assist others with their problems (taking on responsibilities that aren’t mine).  My empathy and being able to see things from different angles is a vital skill in weighing out what is the best possible outcome.  Nevertheless, when it comes to my own life, any slight notice of discomfort or distress, these molehills really do become mountains, because I didn’t learn how to deal with a molehill in the first place (learned helplessness).
    I manipulated others by constantly finding a friend (usually a third party) to air out every emotional grievance I had or resorting to writing to my offender, so they couldn’t verbally attack me.  I was never content if a problem remained unresolved (introducing the constant anxiety).  Especially, if I believed that a portion of the accountability was in their hands, and they were failing to take ‘the proper steps’.  I made a common practice of overstaying my welcome in social gatherings; usually was one of the last ones to leave the party.  I failed to ask for help or share my needs, but I also held unspoken expectations of how others should meet those needs (and then got ticked off when they didn’t pick up on those hopes or cues). 
    And, as for Jesus’ role in all of this?  I know I should go to Him and depend on Him for all my needs.  But…life’s experiences have a funny way of undermining trust in the character of God.  Praying to God looked more like whining, because I just wanted a physical action taking place to solve the problem.  And later wasn’t going to cut it, because if it was later, it might as well be never.  (Again, this was my thought process; not what should be wired in my brain.) 
    Boundaries are healthy, as they determine where one begins and ends.  However, we often fail to take into consideration God’s role in our lives.  Erby, we then force ourselves or others into a role not meant for them.  At the end of the day, that need was supposed to be filled by Another.  As I grow as a wife and mother, I no longer want to be stuck in the same cycles that have perpetuated my brokenness.  By identifying the ghastly manipulative tendencies, I feel like there has been a freedom shown, and wholeness to result  This will occur with three steps:
    1) Identify and assert my boundaries.  I need to know where I begin and end.  What are my responsibilities and what are not.  Affectively address what is in my realm of influence, and forget all else.  Additionally, learn to respect the boundaries of others.  I am not the center of the world, and to expect people to be constantly vigilant and ready to meet my needs and desires is serving an immature and selfish mindset.
    2)  When a conflict presents itself, seek to address it, not avoid it.  This is a skill I didn’t have modeled as a child, but that doesn’t absolve me of my responsibility as one of the adults of my home.  True peace making comes when one “speaks softly, but carr[ies] a big stick (President Theodore Roosevelt).”  This action will serve to support step #1, and will also help create new healthy patterns for my family.
    3) Invite God to meet needs that are beyond my control, but still remain outside the responsibilities of others.  This doesn’t negate the desire for all parties to self-reflect and see their growth points and action steps.  But rather than get in a bind where someone isn’t stepping up where I believe they should…ask God to intervene.  In between the time of identifying the need and the need being met, “God will [either] use people to meet someone’s need or will give an individual the strength to address the need on their own (as stated by Becca Meek concerning Philippians 4:8-13).”  And sometimes the person God wants to meet me is Himself, because ultimately, I was created for His pleasure and glory.
    In summary, the parasitical tendency in me will die once I shift the focus of my worship off of myself and back onto Jesus.  It will die when I admit my needs and  trust God to empower the solution, whatever it may be, done with His hand leading, rather than my own. 

   

Blessing: God's Father's Heart Benefits Us

 A thought: So often, we want God's blessings and favor poured out on our lives, and sometimes, I wonder, if we misunderstand what His blessing and favor are. We often assume that it is the good stuff, or the things, people, answers to prayers where we get the "happy ending" story. But what if God's blessings and favor are the things, that as a Father, He seeks to BENEFIT us, whether the outcome brings a battle or a smile? Can we trust that God is good - and means good for us - even when we lack a tangible or visible good? Can we believe we are blessed, while in poverty, in suffering, in trials, being corrected, while in doubt or lonely, because we have been redeemed by and have a relationship with Jesus? Or do we only believe we are blessed when we are in the company of abundance?

The Casualty of a Broken World?

How do I enter Your gates With praise, while I wake With tormenting thoughts in the night? It isn’t fair that the dawn Meant to bring new mercies Ushers in new fears.

The burden of sorrow
Remains in the absence
Of their presence;
No memory created; and yet,
Their existence is not forgotten.

Was this just an ambush of the devil?
Were not enough prayers lifted

To actualize Your will tangibly?
Is taking thoughts captive
Equate as denial?

I do not mean to speak
Sacrilegious heresies against Your throne.
However, if I silence articulations
Plaguing my dreams, I fear
The toll it will steal from my faith.

In Your sovereignty,
Where was Your rescue for them?
Is it to be consolation
That my brother and I survived,
Though the other was a casualty
Of a broken creation?
I know they knew no pain
Beyond death’s grave;
But is that supposed to serve as comfort?

Why were they not allotted
Your protection?
You are God; Lord of all things!
Why didn’t they receive the favor of life?
Or is Your response that
Their breath is one which will never end?

I cannot tell if my torment
Is out of guilt or jealousy.
Because of former stings, I quake
For my children’s lives.
What kind of life is that for a mother -
Cowering, instead of
Carrying hope and joy?
Is this what soldiers feel
After a battle’s finish?
God, I do not seek death.
I just wish they lived.

There are no pictures;
No gender announcements;
No name
Save that which heaven hosts.
And I must wait until my death
To greet them.
Not knowing if their life was snuffed

To serve as a mercy
Killing - no…You are not sadistic.
Such an action would hint a choice
As an avoidance of pain
Rather than carrying compassion
For the one enduring Lucifer’s influence.

Where is Your glory
Between
The silent and hidden past
And
The restoration for the future?
This isn’t even my child I mourn!
They were my mother’s,
However!

Perhaps there has been a grief
I have not been allowed to weep
Why would You choose me to live
And they die?
Did they see You move in their short story?
Lastly, because of their tale,
Along with others’ who remain untold,
Must any of my children suffer
Their shadow?  Or will You intervene?
Please…in the name of Jesus,
Break this cycle that plagues my family,
Haunts my mind
And robs my joy.

I don’t understand
Why You move and when
And when You refrain…
Why some are rescued now
And others have to wait until eternity.
Even asking these questions
Feels as if I’m in rebellion.

But if You were willing to suffer
Peter’s comparison to John,
And was willing to enter the mud and
Wrestle with Jacob for a new name,
Then can You bring solace
To a heart that hasn’t ever been given
The space to bury a sibling
And mourn a life that is wished
Could have been?
Maybe if there was a grave,
I could believe death
Would not have its resurrection.

#PPDAwareness  #Miscarriage  #TraumaInformedChristianity