"Teach Me How to be in Need"

     It's been a hint most of my teen and adult life.  I not only struggled with self-esteem, but rather a pride.  I like being strong, and yes, part of it stems from the physical challenges I faced, due to living with cerebral palsy.  However, something transferred to the rest of my logical senses, in which I learned to never voice concern or my thoughts when I have a need.  If by chance, I did so, it is because the person I let in to see a weakness is one of few who get to see that. One is HIGHLY trusted, if they see me at my weakest, because I don't like to let on. I never liked being weak.  And to some extent, I was taught that to ask for help was a bad thing.  Never taught directly; it was more of passive learning.  But the lesson was drilled and rooted, nonetheless.  It has caused complications, however.  I can become isolated,  because I don't want to burden someone with what I am thinking.  Either too much, too heavy or too weighty.  I refrain from asking for practical help, because I don't know how to ask for assistance from people I don't know.  Frankly, I don't want to bother them.  Lastly, I will hold my tongue when I have a personal care, because I don't want to cause friction.  And in my past, there were moments that when I brought up my thoughts on a topic, and it was already determined that I was wrong.  The women in my family also dealt with this similar belief.  I know that it's a lie.  And I want it to be broken.  I know that if I deny having needs, or acknowledge them, but do not seek assistance, I am left to supply for my needs on my own...when I know I cannot.

I have been told to never be in need.

To ask for assistance is to show weakness…

And I wouldn’t want that, would I?

No, not defined by the formation of my hand,

But rather the uncomfortableness

Of vulnerability’s kiss

Means I must risk the gift of grace…

Or the threat of its rejection.

I was informed that I must remain strong.

I have been warned to never be a burden.

Hands and voices crying for help is an

Annoyance that one should not bear.

To bring an alternative perspective

Is to be argumentative;

To be in disagreement is to be disobedient.

I have learned to keep my trap shut

In order to keep the peace

In an effort to please the ones I love. 

I have learned to roar in the name of the needs

Of others, but to speak for myself, I dare not.

I wish to but I refrain, because I fear

When I utter the inward cry,

I will be rebuked…turned away…forgotten.

So, in the hours where I need to feel weak,

That a Savior may come to my rescue,

I create a shell of visible strength

To cover the shameful hurt

I want no one to know.

I know that it’s pride choking me;

I know these are lies, but they penetrate

My mind to the point they appear as truths.

Frankly, the fire of vulnerability

Burns more until You have refined me, Lord.

I am tired of being strong.

I am tired of holding the perfect stance

In order to carry all those around me,

But refuse for Another to carry me simultaneously.

I am tired of not letting tears flow freely,

Because they are not accepted in the eyes of society.

I know I am in need, and I am weak.

O God, I need You to be my strength.

Teach me how to be in need,

Even when the world shakes their head.

Help me to surrender it all,

Though others stare, shame and scold.

Teach me how to be weak that You may hold me.

Teach me how to be in need

And to be okay with it…

I am not a burden.

I am loved. I am cherished.

I am in the palm of Your hand;

You delight when You see my face.

Here I am…in all my flaws, needs and weakness.

Nothing compares to be seated

In the presence of Your glory.