Ironic, isn’t it? I accomplished an amazing personal goal, and yet, the moment I came home, I started battling again. Only this time, it wasn’t tests of brute strength, but of a mental enduring caliber. I could even feel it creepy on the way home.
I overreacted at work. Later, I felt like I pushed a friend away,
and thus, in both situations, I despised myself for not being what I should
be. Or what I think I should be. Moreover, I became repulsed at the matter
that I DO know better, and yet, I wasn’t reflecting that knowledge. I could feel the hatred turn into anxiousness
and depression as I internally felt panicked in situations, overly
self-reflective, and was even tempted to call in sick from work. Even on the day of our class field trip. I was so tempted to wallow that I was willing
to miss an amazing day with my students.
I didn’t want to go anywhere. I
just wanted to hide and disappear. At
least until I fixed everything. On the
good end, I forced myself to go to work, even when I mentally didn’t want
to. Furthermore, the issues that I had
this week have been dealt with and forgiven.
Now, I am left with this battle after the victory. Why do I continue to have to go through them,
and how can the fight I went through bring growth, rather than scarring?
At least since I was in high school, I
struggled with anxiousness and depression.
Self-harm was a fun accompaniment too.
(Just kidding.) The worst part
was that I knew God, and even would speak encouragement to friends and family,
and yet be at war within myself, against myself. I am almost 28 years old, and I still find
myself becoming overly anxious.
WHAT…THE…HECK…is the deal!? And
so, I get on myself for seeing what I am called to be, and failing, according
to that standard. For knowing what I can
be, and yet, not being that.
As the week progressed, I wondered if I
was the only Christian who has been in my position. Who, in the Bible (cause, we all know that seeing
some of the screwballs in the Bible can provide the greatest encouragement to
use in our own screwups) dealt with depression?
Elijah.
The prophet who grabbed Baal by the balls and prayed down fire and spat
in the devil’s face easily became depressed.
Seriously… and even within after a victory, he was pity-partying inside
a cave (see 1 Kings ch. 18-19). Elijah
had just executed the prophets of Baal, but at the word of the king running to
Jezreel (where the queen sat), he decided to make his home in a cave. An Angel asked him what he was doing, and
Elijah’s reply was, “Lord, take my life, I am no better than the others
(19:4)! I have been zealous for the Lord
God of hosts…I alone am left, and they seek to take my life (19:10).” God’s response? He took him to a mountainside and showed a
great wind, earthquake, and fire…yet, nothing was there. However, after the fire, there was a still
small voice. And it told him to go
back. It also encouraged him that he was
not alone, as there was a reserve of
Israelites who stayed faithful to God.
I am not the only one. It is some encouragement. And yet, it isn’t where I want to stay. But this is a battle…or perhaps it is a war
for me…that I keep fighting. I wish I
could be done with it by now. I wish I
no longer had to need help in this area.
I wish I wasn’t struggling anymore.
Paul…and his thorn in the flesh. If there was one disciple that I would see
had gotten it right, it would’ve been him.
And yet, he is the one who said that he sometimes did the bad he ought
not to and failed to do the good he ought (see Romans 7:19-20). Furthermore, he took an interesting
perspective of this thorn. It was
uncomfortable in the least, painful at the most. Yet, he said,
And lest I should be exalted
above measure by the abundance of revelation, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of
Satan to buffet me, lest I be exalted above measure. Concerning this thing, I pleaded with the
Lord three times that it might be taken from me. And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you,
for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore most gladly I would rather boast in my
infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities,
in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am
strong (2 Corinthians 12:7-10).
I wish I could be done with this war
called “Depression”. And yes, there is a
part of my faith, I believe in complete restoration and deliverance of
strongholds of the devil. However, it is
as if -even if I come up against it and don’t gravel – it is still being
presented. If only we could just stop
having these fights…but the Christian walk is not the absence of struggle. Adversely, it usually means the presence of
struggles, because ever since the day we said, “Yes” to Jesus, the devil had a
mark on our heads.
And Paul is thankful for his
struggles? For that thorn in the
flesh? Yes. Because its presence means that he still is
dependent on God to get him through whatever life may bring. I wonder…if I no longer was in need for
anything…if I already arrived at the point that I mean to be, would I feel the
compulsion to go to God in my life, anymore?
If I am no longer in need, would I then need God? Of course, I am human, but I could easily be
tempted to think that I have this under control, thus, I wouldn’t ask for help
from the One that I should be pulling my strength from in the first place.
I always read 2 Corinthians 12:9 as an
encouragement that God would bring my strength, with the hope and perspective
that God will somehow finite the struggle and there would be at some point in
my life I would be done with it already.
However, this is the first time, I read that verse in its context. And Paul isn’t saying that he somehow arrives
to the solution and never struggles again.
Rather, he says that the thorn was left – even after asking God to take
it away! – so that he may not be exalted above measure (i.e. pride) and
continues to be dependent on God.
Is it possible (I don’t say that God is
the author of this depression, for He indeed is a good father, and not abusive)
that He may allow the battles, because He knows it is in those moments that I
will learn to depend upon Him with greater resolve? During the uncomfortableness and pain, God is using
what was meant to harm me to actually grow me.
I am reminded of people going into surgery. Taking a knife to the body will cause damage,
and yet, in its cutting the flesh, it opens a way for healing to come to the
individual. God is not the author of
pain, but what pain comes, He can direct its direction so that it may bring
restoration rather than harm.
So, what is my resolve? I continue to get up. I learn that it is good to be in need for God
and allow myself to feel my need for Him.
And when that pain comes…RUN TO HIM.
A couple months ago, I asked God to teach me how to be in need. And now I am finding that He is highlighting
areas in my life in which I still try to keep control, haven’t given it over to
God, where I still believe lies of the enemy, or I continue to hold onto things
that He is wanting me to let go. He is answering
my prayer, but it has been painful. But
it is a pain by which it will prune and grow me. That is the hope I hold onto.
v
“I
Need You”
We
talk of grace – how overwhelming it is,
So,
then why when the doors close,
I
sink into the mud of despair?
I
know the truth, yet I
Struggle
to walk it out.
Speaking
words of faith, but believing
Something
totally different.
I
need You more than the breath I breathe.
I
need You more than songs can sing.
I
need You more than any love
I
could ever get. I need You!
I’ve
been broken and bruised,
I’ve
been jaded and confused.
Set
my eyes on You, Jesus.
I’ve
been cut and ashamed,
I’ve
learned to hate
The
me I see,
Renew
my mind, Lord!
I
need You more than the breath I breath.
I
need You more than songs can sing.
I
need You more than any love
I
could ever get. I need You!
This
thorn in my flesh
Meant
to drive a wedge
Will
become the persuasion
To
run to the Holy of Holies.
Forgiven,
not forsaken;
Your
grace immeasurably
Envelops
me if I could just rest.
No
matter the times I fall,
Or
the amount of blows…
Count
the times I have been shot down –
I
will get up.
I
will not give up.
For,
if I look back and see how far I’ve come,
How
can I turn away?
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