Faith to Believe Part 2

      

Pastor Kent, from Busby, MT, was sharing his testimony of healing at IYC.

     In 2017, he found out his kidneys were shutting down.  He was put on dialysis, and it was a long and rough process in the time-being.  At night, he had to be hooked up to a machine to filter his wastes, and he was continually tired.  There were moments he was angry and didn’t understand why God would allow this.  The doctors tested for a kidney match, and nothing came through.  Until early of 2020.  There was a kidney match in Colorado, but Pastor Kent was notified that there were two individuals before him.  Kent’s wife, Jamie, was told by a friend, “This kidney is his.  I know it!”  Later another call came.  The first two in the list fell through.  The hospital asked, “Can you be here, tomorrow?”  The family packed up.  Jamie’s job collected money - enough to pay for all the expenses, except for food.  And in February, Pastor Kent Burnette had a new kidney, and was able to get off dialysis.  The family looks back on this surgery as a complete miracle, as within a month, the COVID crisis hit the nation (which would have prohibited Kent from having the surgery, due to health risks).

     He finished telling his testimony with, “I know that God can heal you, too!”

     An unexpected small tension built in my stomach at the hearing of that phrase.  Later that afternoon, I found myself asking God while running, “Daddy, am I at a point where I am finding it hard to celebrate with others when they have been healed?”  Almost 30-years-old, and my hand remains the way it always has been.  I still have to take medication for a seizure disorder that began when I was 11-years-old.  There have been moments where God has moved, but overall, I am reminded how things have stayed the same...even after being prayed for by a group of people.

     How can I admit this?  I’ve been a long time Christian, and even help in ministry...And yet, the secret I carry is that I struggle with doubt when it comes to physical healing - primarily my own.  I will jump to pray for others.  However, I am increasingly hesitant to allow others to pray for me.  With every prayer, and every lack of result, it is only an added stab to my heart.

     I was able to get excited hearing Pastor Kent’s story.  However, when he added that God can heal me, that’s when my heart became hurt.  And it’s something that for most of my life, I’ve had to carry alone.

     A couple days after Pastor Kent’s testimony, our team was going deep into worship.  I was just sitting, when an elder came to me.  “Let me see your hand,” she said.  “The Lord is going to give you understanding for things that you had questions.” [Oh crap!  Here came the tears - BIG TIME!] “You haven’t told many people, but He has heard you.  You are not forgotten.  You are right where you need to be.  You are going to be a wise woman.” 

     She was right.  I haven’t told anybody my fears and apprehensions when it comes to my personal healing.  There was one lady on Facebook I shared some of my questions, but that was mainly because she, too, has the same questions.  I have struggled to have faith...and yet, I have kept it to myself, mainly, because I know I should have faith.  What would my friends and family think, for having this doubt?  Do they know what it is like to wait for a promise for their entire life?  And yet...to this day, my hand remains the same.  

     The pain.  The questions.  It is real.

     And yet…

     God knows the questions I have asked in the dark.  He is aware of the hurt I bear.  And as alone as I feel with this burden, He has always been there with me.  Despite all the wonderings I have attempted to navigate, it has never changed how He sees me.  The following night, God told me, “I see you as whole.”  Aside from living with cerebral palsy and a seizure disorder, my greatest battle amidst it all is how I have seen myself with a disability.  I have seen myself as broken.  However, God sees me as whole.  

     I chose to look deeper at 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 (my least favorite Scripture in the Bible).  I noted four things:

1. The thorn in Paul’s flesh was originally a messenger of Satan
2. Paul asked for the thorn to be removed, but was refused
3. He had since learned that he would have exalted himself, if he didn’t have it in his life.  
4. He became more dependent on God’s strength than on his own.

     How does this apply?  The stroke that caused the disability was not from God.  He is not sadistic in wanting us to be hurt.  However, in not opening my right hand to look like the other...I am faced to observe my personal motives of being exalted.  Honestly, I would like to be the “hero”, the “main focus”.  By exalting myself, nevertheless, I fail to exalt God.  Furthermore, I know that I would depend on my own strength, rather than on God’s.  Trust me.  I’m good at being independent.  And it has gotten me into trouble when I fail to seek God for His assistance.  

     There is another pastor, from IYC, Dean Buffalo.  He, too, has cerebral palsy.  A businessman once asked him why God hadn’t healed his hand (although Pastor Dean was healed from brain damage).  His reply was: “Because God is his right hand.” Pastor Dean has learned that he is able to rely on God’s strength.

     On the last day of camp, I had two epiphanies.  

1.  I have held onto the expectation that God must prove His goodness to me by healing me on earth.  This is partially why I have felt frustration in this situation.  Will I trust that God continues to be good, even if the way that I desire He heals me is different than how He actualizes it?  
2. Most importantly - if I had a choice, what would I choose?  Would I rather be healed from CP/seizure disorder, and no longer depend on God to be in my life, or would I rather still have my hand as it is, and continue to depend on (and love) God throughout my life?

     Don’t get me wrong.  I would love to have my hand opened.  But never at the expense of walking away from my God.  I’ll choose the latter.