“And He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, I am strong.”
- 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I don’t remember not fearing insecurities; specifically, fearing that people may define me by my ability. I have believed that the first thing people see about me is my right hand (or the limp). In American society, we pride ourselves in what we can do; and whatever weakest link is identified, we cut it. Be stronger. Be faster. Be smarter. Be bigger. However, when God tells me to take pleasure in my struggles and weakness, it runs counter. It is counter culture. It is uncomfortable. And it rubs me the wrong way.
I fear being called a handicap. I fear that my worth has been diminished because of what I can’t do. Part of this whole knowing God’s love for me is tied to my value as a human. And I don’t see it. I surely can mask it. I act tougher than I am. Release tears in secret. Show up to help someone else to prove I have a purpose.
I legitimately helped out in the school kitchen during the COVID school shut down, because our community had a need, and they were in want of hands. We made sandwiches and would assemble 1,000-1,220 lunches everyday for the remainder of the school year. However, a few weeks in, and my insecurities started showing their face. I have managed to adapt and maneuver gross motor skills. However, when it comes to fine motor...well...to this day, I am still lacking.
Give me a box of sandwiches, I can carry it without any problem. I’ve taught myself to use my abdomen muscles to balance for my left arm. Nevertheless, ask me to bag a sandwich…
I. Am. Slow.
I was the slowest on the team. Same goes for the assembly line. (You can only pack so many lunches with one hand compared to everyone’s two hands.) There were certain prep-work tasks that I was moved from one place to another, because my right hand couldn’t hold something properly, or my pace wasn’t as fast as others.
Mentally, I started wanting to quit. I came, most days, however, there were mornings I had to talk myself into helping. I felt like a handicap. The slow one. It was obvious, there were times that I needed assistance. And in my mind - to need assistance was a detriment to my worth.
I want to clarify that no one called me a handicap, or created an atmosphere that I was a problem. No one seemed troubled that they would be my second hand in assembling the food. Often the moving around was because they were trying to find a place that fit me best. Which brings me to my overall point.
There were very few moments in my life where there was someone who was ignorantly and explicitly outed me for living with a disability. However, that wasn’t the vast majority. It’s not that my community saw me as a handicap. I have defined myself as such. I have lacked seeing the value in myself, based on my ability. It’s not my friends that see my hand, primarily. It’s me. It’s quite the juxtaposition. I tell my students that they have a purpose, that it’s okay to need help (everyone does, at sometime or another). I tell them that despite where they are weak, they have strengths to share. However, here I am...having a hard time believing that my worth is not determined by what I can’t do.
It’s also not determined by what I can do. It’s the fact that I exist, and am present.
In those moments where I wanted to go home, because I felt that I was too slow, I was reminded of a common saying, “No one can do everything. But everyone can do something.” I was trying to convince myself that my pace should’ve excluded me from helping, because, “Wouldn’t it be better if they had two-usable-handed people who can assemble at a quick pace?” But I think the Holy Spirit was trying to show that even my one-extra hand was needed...it was vital. After all, there was only a small group of people that would come in. Every head and every hand was a necessity to make sure that 1,200 students in our town would be fed. Even if one of those heads had only one working hand to offer.
Our American society defines the worth of an individual by what they can do. However, the paradox of life is that we find ourselves in positions where we don’t have strength. We have two choices at that moment. You can lie down and grovel in pity, or learn to stand in the worth God has for you. Our value is not determined by what we can do; nor undermined by what we can’t do. It is the fact that we are God’s creation, and He sees us as valuable.
***
There was a time, soon after I had lost a job, my cousin challenged me to see the win in my situation. Honestly, I was trying to come up with something spiritual, but he asked me to go deeper. “Can you believe that God has a picture of you in His wallet? Can you imagine that God has your picture on His desk and is there cheering you on?” I was glad it was nighttime, because I was starting to cry. At that time, I still defined my worth based on my ability; so, any failure reflected that mentality. And yet...God doesn’t measure my worth on my ability, but rather on His ability.
The cool bit about the Bible is that God used people with inferiority complexes. I think He did it, because He’s showing that the miracle of redemption isn’t about us, but rather His. The prophet, Jeremiah, was one such man. When God called him, He said, “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I sanctified [set apart] you. I ordained [appointed] you as a prophet to the nations...Do not say, ‘I am a youth,’ for you shall go to all to whom I send you, and whatever I command you, you shall speak (Jeremiah 1:5, 7).” Jeremiah wasn’t called because of great ability, nor his absence of weakness...He was called because God specifically created Jeremiah with a purpose.
***
In the process of kitchen duty lessons, I am finding that God has made me in such a way, specifically, as well. I recently caught on a new series, The Chosen. It details Jesus’ ministry with his disciples. One thing that stands out is that every disciple featured has their own character, personality, and strength. There were scenes where Jesus affirmed something in a disciple, that so often we criticize!
In fearing what people may think about me - which was only a projection of my own self-loathing - I have come to the realization that I am a perpetuator of comparing myself with others. Often, I lean toward the side of feeling less than others. I have fallen in the trap of comparing myself to my friends. If there arises a situation where I find my strength more exemplified than another, I have found a small amount of delight (sadistic, I know. I am still being sanctified, so let’s just be grateful that God is bringing this to my mind so it can be properly dealt with).
However, since seeing the show and God emphasizing that my value is based on how He sees me, not on my ability...I have learned to appreciate my personality, and the things that God has instilled in me. Moreover, as the disciples weren’t the same, I have also learned to cherish the things that God has put in my friends, even if they are different. God made all of us, with different personalities, strengths, ideas and perspectives - and all are valuable. We each play a part in glorifying God. As a whole, we are the salt and light of Christ to this world.
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