To Whom This May Concern:
I’m tired. I’m tired of fear. I’m tired of waiting for things to go back to normal. I’m tired that for every storm that enters our lives, we shudder in bubbles. Don’t tell me it’s for my safety. Don’t tell me it’s just for surviving the next day. I’m tired of worrying. I have fought anxiety all my life. As of this year, by God, I am cutting it loose. Nevertheless, each number produces a reminder of the remaining threat...I am told to keep hiding...to live another day.
Stay home. Stay safe. We are apart...together. That is what they say. For how long can we be bound up in our homes before our homes become cages? Safety from a biological virus, but other demons ensue. Violence, addiction, depression linger as we stay apart. Together. That’s what matters, though. How can we be together if we are chained to a reality that we must watch our breath every second? It doesn’t matter if I’ve stayed home, and you have stayed home...we could get sick if we decide to congregate. Do bacteria magically appear when none were present before? I apologize for the sarcasm.
Do not judge me as heartless. I know the threat is real. Yet the media only speaks of one battle that this Rona has raged. They speak of distance for the sake of our lungs, but no one is minding that my mind is the thing fighting to breathe. I’m alone. Aside from God, I’m on my own. They tell me, “Call someone; message someone; Zoom someone.” But they don’t understand. Wolves eat isolated sheep. They have their families with them. Could they possibly understand that to hear the voice of a loved one over the line births a longing sick with despair? Do they know that faces seen through a screen fail to meet the need for touch? I wish for it so bad. But when the gift is received and removed once again, I regret the desire at all. I am tempted to harden my spirit and dull my mind to survive.
I’m sorry. I do not mean to make light of the immediate threat. I know there are those sick and dying. Yet I’m afraid that our souls are dying more than hearts. I don’t mean to balk, but I’m ready to stop the sulk. I’m tired of fear. I acknowledge life will not be the same, but dagnabit, will we only be secure if it is? We ask God to take away this virus, but what do we go back to? Normal? What normal? We fear death not just with a pandemic, but for every evening we hear the ambulance. They are our nightly sirens. We chase Facebook as headliner news, hoping we don’t find a name we know on a recently deceased list due to a drug or alcohol related situation. So...if COVID passes, as storms do, what have learned to weather the next that shall come?
I fear that we have learned to die before we stopped breathing. Our souls are suffocating. Survive to live another day. What is this living where we take each day with each step, and aimlessly hoping for length of days, but without purpose? What a life! I want to thrive!!! Trials come; fear tempts that to flee is to be free. What shall we say; what should we pray? Even I fail to have the words.
But I want to have faith. Isolation produces a sense of self-centeredness; we have become protective of our own well-being in the name of staying apart together. Yeah, right… How many people - outside of your family - have you checked on to see if they are okay since this whole thing began? While we are locked in our homes, do you mind that others are well, or do you attempt to solely care for your own? I do not point a finger that I have not pointed at myself. Isolation produces self-reflection and I have had to face my darkest fears of loneliness and rejection. Stretched to trust in Jesus at a greater depth, yet, the battle waged in my mind revealed trauma I soon wanted to leave forgotten.
We cannot exchange one death for another, in the name of living to see another day. Truth is, how can we enjoy this side of heaven if we have decided to die before breathing our last? Furthermore, if we only pray that this virus dissipates and leaves existence, I am finding that we train our psyches to only be content when all is right. When storms come, as they often do, our world is not only filled with chaos, but so are our minds, hearts and souls. I want more than just the normal. I claim to believe that God is good, no matter what. And yet, alone in this three-roomed cage...I mean, home...has revealed how I am honestly convinced. I shudder to think that my new normal would mean I am shut off from the world. I want more. I want my soul to be assured that despite what I face, I have courage to fully live.
Dear God,
I honestly don’t know how to pray. And in these times - in this last year - COVID has been on our lips, weighed on our minds, and taxed our souls. It’s amazing how much damage one thing unseen can cause. I ask that You would heal our land. Cease the amount of deaths, and defeat this disease. That being said, I can’t help but be aware that You rescue not necessarily by removing a threat, but walking through the fire with us. Trials may refine us - if we learn to trust You.
The pandemic has one name, but this year has been defined by many battles. Physical, biological, social, as well as mental. Everything on the news says, “If we just found a vaccine, then everything would be okay,” but is that true? What happens when we are faced with another virus, another war, another disagreement? Do we just hide in our burrows of houses? Do we polarize and riot, continuing to divide? Do we shudder until it’s over? We are so afraid. Fear depletes long enough, and other emotions give way.
But can we be okay, whether it is a good day or bad? Whether it rains or is warm? Whether it is red at dusk or dawn? Do we know how to walk on the water, or will we sink at the first sight of waves? God, You ARE good, no matter the day. You are faithful, no matter the headlines or the posts online. Yet, our hearts are not convinced. We say we believe, but how quickly we forget when chaos or demons rear their faces into our consciousness. We lapse from understanding, because the roots of our foundations are lacking.
While we cry out healing for our bodies, God, I ask that You would draw my people to You. Not for a moment, but for a journey. As declared in the Bible, may Your miracles point heavenward. The gifts of Your hands are not to be an end, but an invitation for all to have an eternal relationship with the Father. Only then can we be sustained whatever the season.
You did not save us to merely survive this life. Yet abundance of life comes by one name, and it is necessary to have faith.
In the name of Jesus,
Amen
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