Actions speak louder than words. But sometimes, actions aren’t enough. If portrayed well, they can hide the motives by which they are committed. I know that I believe in Jesus. I know I have sinned and in need of a Savior, but somewhere and somehow, I have forgotten along the way. Guess that is the danger of walking with Jesus most of your life. You get good at it, so your sins don’t look too much. Actually, they don’t look like sins at all; just merely, a personality flaw. Success lays the foundation of confidence, but beware, lest one falls thinking that confidence is grounded in your own ability and effort. I asked Facebook World that if any Christians dared, to share what Jesus had saved them from. I wanted to hear the raw stories of redemption, explicitly stating that I didn’t want any canned (i.e. general) statements of, “my sins” or “from myself.” The irony about asking such a question is that I, myself, was stumped. What has Jesus saved me from? My story is not a black and white transformation. And in the 17 years of following Him, I could say there are areas that I’m doing good. There are also areas where I have issues undealt with. Over the course of this year, I have come to the realization that I have forgotten to live by grace. A part of me wonders if I learned how to truly receive it at all. I grew up in church. I know that God loves me, and I don’t have to earn it. But after all these years, there remains a disconnect. I cower in condemnation when I have wronged someone. The minor unhealthy habits I do admit, secretly (such as vegging on Facebook or Youtube) or are shrugged away as a habit I want to kick, but I like it too much. At least, I’m not doing drugs or drinking. Intercession comes easily, for me, as I see the brokenness of my community. I know how to pray, and I know what needs to be done as I have studied my Word, and fully understand that the thing my people are seeking can be found in Jesus. But I have forgotten that on a personal level. I’m learning to trust God for my circumstances, again, but this resting in His absolute grace has been a hurdle I have never quite grasped in my life. I still seek my glory. I still yearn for the affirmation of men, though I know I should fear God. I long to be loved. I fear that my value has been diminished by what I have failed to do or what I was unable to do. I struggle to worship God in spirit and truth, because I want my spirit to be magnified. Yikes! Yes, I realize how that confession sounds. I have struggled with my self-worth for my entire life. Even as a child, I sought to prove my strength. The issues range across the board, and each individual subject could have their own blog-post: my conception, living with a disability, failure as daughter, body image, personality differences, human error, and personal convictions. At multiple points in my life, I found that I was found wanting. I was not good enough. I tried and tried. But don’t you fret. I aim to do my best, still. And yet, sometimes by the end of the day, I am still not enough. My best was not good enough. Nevertheless, onward I must go. I can’t sulk. That won’t get me anywhere. Plus, I learned that being selfish wasn’t a good thing, so I turned my attention outward. Ergo, the open door to walk as a prideful, judgmental, modern-day Pharisee. I genuinely care for the people whom I was given charge. And yet, the manner in which I conducted myself as a response to situations as they came were not consistently gracious. There is one girl I was the toughest on. Partly because, she kept saying that she was dealing with the same problem and wanted help, but wouldn’t take any given advice. Partly because, despite our family stories differing, the issues we faced were uncannily similar. It’s easy to point out what’s wrong in someone else’s life, yet fail to address your own. Chop up the logs in your neighbor’s yard to make sure they aren’t barricaded, but you fail to realize you have to climb over your own wall just to assist them in their yard. Something like that in Matthew 7. It’s a form of Christian patronizm, coupled with American patriotism. Since good Christians are able to be independent and stand sure in Christ, we help others in their brokenness. All the while, we don’t let others know about the things we personally face. It is pride clothed in charity. I am guilty of it all. I don’t want to admit that there are areas in my life that I fail to fully receive and believe what God has said in His Word. I don’t want to admit that I hate my body. I workout primarily to keep an image. After all, my own mother told me that to be fat is to be ugly. I don’t want to admit that I don’t think I’m beautiful. I refrain from wearing make-up, primarily because I feel like the whole world only thinks women beautiful if they do (hint of rebellion here). I don’t admit I’m disabled (I say that I live with a disability, but I don’t let it define me...yeah, not completely true). That I look down on myself for having something physically wrong with me. I fight to prove how strong I am, so no one can question my worth. I don’t admit that I am easily fearful. I sometimes speak words of faith to help calm the other person down. Yet, if I was in the same situation, I probably would be freaking out. I speak these words, because I do want to believe them, myself. I don’t admit that I have questions for God. Namely, if His Word says a promise, why doesn’t it happen in my life? Why does it seem like I have to beg?
No, I won’t admit all that. Because a Christian who walks with Jesus for the last 17 years, I need to care for others and their brokenness. And yet, all this time, I have my own brokenness that I haven’t let Him resolve. I am prone to anger and unforgiveness when I cannot make a situation right in my own ability or strength. I loathe myself when I react rashly. I have abused myself when frustrated. I know that somewhere God just wants me to lay all these hurts down and let Him love me, but there is a part of my brain that still believes I must show how good I am. I know what Romans 5:5-6 says. “Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For when we were still without strength, in due time, Christ died for the ungodly.” When we were without strength, He died for us.
Notice what I did there. I said “we”. I can preach it up good if I put us all in the same bucket. It’s harder to personalize it, ain’t it?
“Now hope does not disappoint me, because the love of God has been poured out in my heart by the Holy Spirit who has been given to me. When I was without strength, He died for me.”
It sure hits a different note. And yet, something inside me compels me to fight against it. I have to be good enough. “Let me prove to You all my good actions.” But I can only love in part, if I have only received in part. That is what is at odds. My pride vs. God’s goodness. I will be damned if I admit that I am weak.
Actually, I would be saved. But until this moment, and even now, my conscience is convinced that the former is true. Everything in my life has built enough evidence to persuade this jury that my worth is dependent on my ability. I want my glory (even if it’s in the form of evangelizing or witnessing), because I have this desire since childhood to know I’m worth it. To know that I have an intrinsic value, and not just because the Constitution says so. The irony about self-esteem is that it literally means “to esteem (respect and admire) oneself”. The intention is to learn self-respect and value, but sometimes, it can be a little selfish. And all the while, when I’m focused on wishing people would respect and admire me, dependent on their votes to determine my worth, the more I realize how much I don’t measure up.
Ironically, when I focus on Jesus, and truly worship Him - make Him THE focus on my mind - then a natural respect and admiration comes. Do note: I don’t worship Jesus just to make myself feel better. If that is the motive, I am still worshipping myself. But when I do adore God, my confidence is grounded in who He is, rather than fearing who I am not. I just wish this was the more consistent storyline in my life, at the moment. That pride - that refusal to admit weakness is the key. Yes, I could blame all the people and circumstances that helped me believe in the lies, but at some point, I have to own what is in my control. And I control what I choose to believe. It kills me inside to ask for help. It prodds at my fear of worthlessness and not being enough. But I am sure it killed Abraham, emotionally, when God told him to kill his son. Abraham still obeyed.
One Pharisee to another, this morning, I wanted to look at the conversation Nicodemus had with Jesus. This man had the goods. I mean, he could prove that he was good enough. A rabbi, teacher of the Law, and devout follower of Hebrew tradition and worshiper of Adonai, he could prove he was good enough. And yet, Jesus told him that true salvation came by being born again and trusting in the salvation of an only begotten Son of God who would be lifted up. Not in his efforts.
“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. And this is the condemnation, that the light has come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than the light, because their deeds were evil. For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who does the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be clearly seen, that they have been done in God.” -John 3:16-21
I am choosing to go into the light and expose the things which have been hidden for so long. However, now I must submit to Him all that has been found. I want to cling to the very thing I think I have to prove my worth, but I know He wants me to let it go. God. help my heart to live by grace. Teach me to walk by faith. Help me to fully receive Your truth and love. Help me to genuinely believe!
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