I thought the best way to heal is to not drudge up the past. I thought it was sufficient to define forgiveness as tolerating someone’s presence temporarily. When God told me that I was to take a sabbatical, specifically to address my childhood wounds, I was willing to be obedient, but I wasn’t so accepting about the whole ordeal. Moving back “home” meant that I couldn’t hide from the people or behaviors that haunted me since I was a preteen. Intentional or not; abuse or a personality vice - it didn’t matter how you defined it. However, for the longest time, I decided that the best way to deal with that pain was to run from it. And yet, unbeknownst to me, I was operating from those wounds in my present relationships. God knew better than I that the best way to heal was to no longer bandage it up, but cut open the scars I thought were healed and clean out the dead things in my life.
As a Christian, one knows the truth. But if not careful, wounds silently leak a poison in which lies are believed and acted upon. This was the case in my life. I do not want to go into details of who the person was, nor their actions, however, there was a family member whose words, actions, and sometimes attitudes caused a pain in me for a long time. I believed I wasn’t good enough in certain areas. I believed I had to do certain things to finally be accepted. And lastly, I felt there were so many rules. And in part, I knew that some of these things were false. Or, at least, it is a matter of experience, culture, and perspective. But, because it came from a Christian, and I was a teenager looking for Christian wisdom, I think I needed to heed this wisdom, in part.
Wounds coming from Christians can be the worst. (You can read an allegory story concerning this topic in my other blogpost: https://honesttogodletters.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-man-with-cut-off-nose.html.) They should have a relationship with Jesus, and so they should act like Jesus…Right?! And yet, the reality is that sometimes Christians fall short, too. Nevertheless, the wounds I incurred were allowed to define me, and I was acting out of them when I, myself, were trying to share about Jesus. I mentioned relationship, but I have lived a life of legalism. I thought I was rebelling against this deception, but I had been falling for it, more than I realized it.
I thought running away was the best way to get away from the past, but God wanted me to finally confront it. Sending me “home” didn’t mean just moving back to my hometown. It meant living with the individual who hurt me. I promise you, I was questioning how God could bring healing into such a broken relationship. On the surface, everything was alright. I was willing to be around the person for family engagements. However, what God wanted to do was work in me more than the other person. (Crazy, I know. After all, they are the ones who are guilty.)
Living with the person who hurt me did three primary things in my life. First, It allowed me to see more sides of the person. In knowing more about their interests and heart, I could identify with them on a social level, and not just a political/religious level (which is what I most saw in their lives). It was hard at first. People said the person had such a caring heart, and my initial reaction was, “Really? Because the person I know is very critical.” And yet, in observation, I could laugh with them, spend time with them and understand their passions. I was forced to see them for more than just their sin.
The second impact was that I learned to learn from them. So much of the pain they caused over my formative years prevented me from wanting to receive anything from them. My perspective was that the person had a black/white mindset that didn’t allow challenge or discussion. Ironically, over the things that I thought shouldn’t matter (like how to set a table), God straight up told me, “Well, if it doesn’t matter, then why don’t you do it their way?” The pain produced pride and rebellion in me. And yet, this individual did have some things by which I could learn. After this year, there are some things I still don’t agree with 100%, but I have found there are things they have taught me - even on a Christian level- that has helped. The third thing I had to learn concerning true forgiveness was to confront the sin. So often, we think that forgiveness is letting it go and never bringing it up. And yet, people who have been hurt can tell you that when something is never said, the wound will come again. It is a perpetual cycle unless a line is drawn. There was a situation, this last year, where the individual had done something hurtful. I wrestled with it the following week, because…it wasn’t a matter of disagreement, as much as how the disagreement played out. It was this pattern of behavior that diminished so much of my confidence.
I played it over in my head. If I just had an audience, and if they could get me angry enough, I would BLAST them so they could BLATANTLY see their sin. However, that isn’t the heart of forgiveness. There was such a complexity to it, honestly. Part of my pain came from being victimized that no one spoke up for me when I needed them to. And yet, now in my 30s, it wasn’t realistic to go back and redo the past. Though I wanted someone to say something, I found that that person speaking up had to be me.
Dang it. Why? Why did it have to be me? But as much as there are scars from my past, if I wanted to be a healthy person, I had to learn to take the steps for myself now, and not wait for my past to change. I had started reading a book called Boundaries (written by Henry Cloud and John Townsand) at the time of this present wound. One thing that was discussed was the need for setting boundaries as a means to prevent further hurt. And when to confront the hurt, it must be done in a manner by which we lovingly want to bring to knowledge the sin of the offender, so that they may repent. Will the person repent? Only God knows. But giving them an opportunity is the goal of forgiveness. After all, Jesus’ kindness led to our repentance. So, I not only had to confront the wound, set boundaries, I also had to do so in a manner in which to help restore the relationship. Trust me. The LAST thing I wanted to do was make a way for me to be nearer to the one who hurt me. That was my qualm with God this whole last year! And yet, God reminded me that in my sin, He did the very thing that would renew a relationship between Him and myself.
Call it passive aggressive, but I let the person know via text. I didn’t trust the person well enough to not begin blubbering in person or for them to hear me out. I needed to say what I needed to say with freedom, and to think about what needed to be said…in love. The amazing thing was when I brought it to their attention, they had no clue that their actions caused the kind of harm resulted. In their openness to receive the truth, there was repentance. And in repentance, there were steps of trust built.
I cannot say that the work is made complete. I do have my boundaries and there are certain things that God is showing me it is better not to give the person influence in certain areas. He also convicted me that if I know the person strongly disagrees with me on a topic, I shouldn’t bait them and make them sin against me, either (didn’t think that was in me…whoops). I am learning that if I want to be healthy and do ministry the right way, then I really do need to let go of the past. I have to take a hold of what God says, and not pay any mind to what people say as much. The old saying, “Chew on the meat and spit out the bones” is now a day-to-day reality, but understanding what is meat vs. bones has left me choking on less poison than I used to. I can’t believe that I used to teach things out of the Bible, knowing they were true, but my heart simultaneously believed in lies of the enemy. And now, I can say that I am putting my trust in Jesus more and more each day.
Running away from the past is a short-term solution. However, I recognize that confrontation must be done delicately. I didn’t do this work when I was 23 years old, and perhaps the reason was because I hadn’t truly forgiven. If I had confronted, it would have been about proving myself right and demonizing the offender. And yet, that isn’t the heart of Jesus. His heart is for repentance and restoration. If we have no desire for restoration, then we have no business in speaking with the person who hurt us.
Healing does take time. It requires acknowledgement of the pain. Tears are a form of release; let them flow. It takes letting your story be heard; tell a trusted friend. But at some point, it is important to confront. Whether this involves the person or not, the wound must be directly addressed. A wound is a mark from the world that tempts us to doubt God’s goodness and truth. Left alone in a corner, it becomes a thorn that will fester and poison a garden.
Lastly, boundaries and defining the relationship helps prevent further wounds. I think so much of my pain came from my own expectation of what the person should’ve been, that I put them on a pedestal, opened my heart freely (at such a young age, this could hardly be helped, but as an adult, I have a bit more autonomy to realize what to take in or not), and sought for their approval. If I had just focused on Jesus, their actions wouldn’t have turned into offenses, because I wouldn’t have put my expectation on them.
It’s something I’m learning. And it’s something I have to remind myself daily. But living in freedom takes time. However, the more I do it, the more it will become a natural state of being. And if you read this post, I hope you can find this freedom, as well.
Living with the person who hurt me did three primary things in my life. First, It allowed me to see more sides of the person. In knowing more about their interests and heart, I could identify with them on a social level, and not just a political/religious level (which is what I most saw in their lives). It was hard at first. People said the person had such a caring heart, and my initial reaction was, “Really? Because the person I know is very critical.” And yet, in observation, I could laugh with them, spend time with them and understand their passions. I was forced to see them for more than just their sin.
The second impact was that I learned to learn from them. So much of the pain they caused over my formative years prevented me from wanting to receive anything from them. My perspective was that the person had a black/white mindset that didn’t allow challenge or discussion. Ironically, over the things that I thought shouldn’t matter (like how to set a table), God straight up told me, “Well, if it doesn’t matter, then why don’t you do it their way?” The pain produced pride and rebellion in me. And yet, this individual did have some things by which I could learn. After this year, there are some things I still don’t agree with 100%, but I have found there are things they have taught me - even on a Christian level- that has helped. The third thing I had to learn concerning true forgiveness was to confront the sin. So often, we think that forgiveness is letting it go and never bringing it up. And yet, people who have been hurt can tell you that when something is never said, the wound will come again. It is a perpetual cycle unless a line is drawn. There was a situation, this last year, where the individual had done something hurtful. I wrestled with it the following week, because…it wasn’t a matter of disagreement, as much as how the disagreement played out. It was this pattern of behavior that diminished so much of my confidence.
I played it over in my head. If I just had an audience, and if they could get me angry enough, I would BLAST them so they could BLATANTLY see their sin. However, that isn’t the heart of forgiveness. There was such a complexity to it, honestly. Part of my pain came from being victimized that no one spoke up for me when I needed them to. And yet, now in my 30s, it wasn’t realistic to go back and redo the past. Though I wanted someone to say something, I found that that person speaking up had to be me.
Dang it. Why? Why did it have to be me? But as much as there are scars from my past, if I wanted to be a healthy person, I had to learn to take the steps for myself now, and not wait for my past to change. I had started reading a book called Boundaries (written by Henry Cloud and John Townsand) at the time of this present wound. One thing that was discussed was the need for setting boundaries as a means to prevent further hurt. And when to confront the hurt, it must be done in a manner by which we lovingly want to bring to knowledge the sin of the offender, so that they may repent. Will the person repent? Only God knows. But giving them an opportunity is the goal of forgiveness. After all, Jesus’ kindness led to our repentance. So, I not only had to confront the wound, set boundaries, I also had to do so in a manner in which to help restore the relationship. Trust me. The LAST thing I wanted to do was make a way for me to be nearer to the one who hurt me. That was my qualm with God this whole last year! And yet, God reminded me that in my sin, He did the very thing that would renew a relationship between Him and myself.
Call it passive aggressive, but I let the person know via text. I didn’t trust the person well enough to not begin blubbering in person or for them to hear me out. I needed to say what I needed to say with freedom, and to think about what needed to be said…in love. The amazing thing was when I brought it to their attention, they had no clue that their actions caused the kind of harm resulted. In their openness to receive the truth, there was repentance. And in repentance, there were steps of trust built.
I cannot say that the work is made complete. I do have my boundaries and there are certain things that God is showing me it is better not to give the person influence in certain areas. He also convicted me that if I know the person strongly disagrees with me on a topic, I shouldn’t bait them and make them sin against me, either (didn’t think that was in me…whoops). I am learning that if I want to be healthy and do ministry the right way, then I really do need to let go of the past. I have to take a hold of what God says, and not pay any mind to what people say as much. The old saying, “Chew on the meat and spit out the bones” is now a day-to-day reality, but understanding what is meat vs. bones has left me choking on less poison than I used to. I can’t believe that I used to teach things out of the Bible, knowing they were true, but my heart simultaneously believed in lies of the enemy. And now, I can say that I am putting my trust in Jesus more and more each day.
Running away from the past is a short-term solution. However, I recognize that confrontation must be done delicately. I didn’t do this work when I was 23 years old, and perhaps the reason was because I hadn’t truly forgiven. If I had confronted, it would have been about proving myself right and demonizing the offender. And yet, that isn’t the heart of Jesus. His heart is for repentance and restoration. If we have no desire for restoration, then we have no business in speaking with the person who hurt us.
Healing does take time. It requires acknowledgement of the pain. Tears are a form of release; let them flow. It takes letting your story be heard; tell a trusted friend. But at some point, it is important to confront. Whether this involves the person or not, the wound must be directly addressed. A wound is a mark from the world that tempts us to doubt God’s goodness and truth. Left alone in a corner, it becomes a thorn that will fester and poison a garden.
Lastly, boundaries and defining the relationship helps prevent further wounds. I think so much of my pain came from my own expectation of what the person should’ve been, that I put them on a pedestal, opened my heart freely (at such a young age, this could hardly be helped, but as an adult, I have a bit more autonomy to realize what to take in or not), and sought for their approval. If I had just focused on Jesus, their actions wouldn’t have turned into offenses, because I wouldn’t have put my expectation on them.
It’s something I’m learning. And it’s something I have to remind myself daily. But living in freedom takes time. However, the more I do it, the more it will become a natural state of being. And if you read this post, I hope you can find this freedom, as well.
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