Hesitation and Hope

Hesitation breathes a sigh of security, yet

Exhales a poisonous bite of no satisfaction.

It promises to never fail your expectations,

But it refrains from hope.

Convincing that future change may never occur,

Sit, so that you won’t wound your soul.

How many times have I waited?

Not out of assurance for Your watch,

But that I may not gamble

The promises You declared?

Dichotomies swim as words sift

Through my brain, like perceptual arms run

Through wheat for a needle of wisdom.

I held back.

My heart has been wounded;

My memory carries scars.

Moments of hope flood before my eyes:

Because the time was not now; the setting was at Home,

My past tears tempt me to confine

Expectation in this corner, where it is safe.

I have said that You lied.

In my manner of self-protection,

I read the Book and say that it’s true,

However, I needed the confirmation from friends

To convince me of its weight.  I go to You last.

Fear waits to whisper:

I am an exception to the Cross.

In my insolence, I crafted idols.

I forgot that while I was falling apart,

You still hold the whole world in Your hands.

I believed that if only I could see Your calendar,

Then I would be convinced of Your goodness.

I clutched worry as a companion, hoping -

If anything - my actions could create the change I lacked.

Nevertheless, will You dare my heart to hope again?

Lay aside this habitual sin of hesitation…

Forgive me when I was so bold to look away;

Forgive me when I have been too timid to pray.

Resurrect my soul, Lord.

Make Yourself known, again, to me.

Open my eyes, that I may see You clearly.

Open my ears, that I may hear You loudly.

Knock on the door.  I will answer.

Deafen the voices that mock Your majesty.

Give me a laugh that will sing Your glory.

Hand me a pen that will write sharply

The double-edged Dagger of Your Spirit.

Renew this mind to catalog Your testimonies.

Remake this heart to trust in You, again.

To hope fully takes faith blind to our natural senses.

It is dangerous. It is not secure.  It is not safe.

But it lends God to be God;

His Story recognized in the hearts of all.

I'll Admit

I’ll admit I wanted Your blessings.

I’ll admit I’ve wanted Your praise.

I’ll admit that I wanted to see Your goodness

Manifested all my days.

I’ll admit I remember You

When You reveal Your miracles and mysteries.

I’ll admit that I have forgotten You

When life’s anxiousness distresses;

Confounding my emotions with my spirit.

I’ll admit doubt may shroud my mind,

As my sight fails to discern what lies ahead.

But, I’ll admit I shout my loudest

When everything falls perfectly into place.

I’ll admit I am grateful that You are faithful.

You are a Father that gives good gifts.  Indeed!

You see my needs and complete them.

I’ll admit, You know my desires and the plans You have

Exceed my original imaginations of what life is to be.

But I admit

I worship You for Your manna.

Yet, are You not more

Than what You do,

God?

You fashioned all with just a word.

Existence emerged as You opened

Your mouth, speaking breath into life.

Your hands cradle even the galaxies.

Your vision expanses beyond all things,

At all times, surpassing the creation of the clock itself. 

You are good.

You are holy.

You are worthy.

Your majesty’s vastness surpasses the stretch

Of the finite sight.  Your love sinks lower

Than the deepest soils sunk beneath the ocean.

Oh the cliché! You hold the world in Your hand –

Your sovereignty flies higher than the elevation

The mighty eagle can soar.

Do I realize that this is You

-Who is GOD - I am speaking of;

To Whom I make known my prayers;

The One I meet every Sunday morn?

Do I adore You for Your gifts, only,

Or do I worship You, because You deserve it?

For You are not a genie,

But a King! You are Lord,

Not a child who answers my demands.

Oh God, give me

A passion to worship You

In Spirit and Truth!

If I actually sat and pondered on the Being

Who goes by the name of I AM,

The rush that tempts me to flee

The sanctuary would itself leave.

I would breathe more slowly,

Savor each breath, only left wanting

To offer it to the One who gave me life.

I would sit more reverently at Your feet,

And hold onto Your hand more tightly.

I would become more thankful for the blood shed,

And return the love You have for me.

I would learn to tie my soul to Yours;

My spirit echoing Heaven’s Most Holy Crowned.

How Great Thou Art!

Indeed!!

I’ll admit: You are God,

Worthy of my worship…

As You are.

Heartbreak from Racism - Learning to Forgive

"Forsaking the Shame and Loving in the Midst of Sin"

It’s the 21^st century.  I thought

We were past this.

I believed that things had changed.

At least…certainly

Among those who worship the same

God.  How could I know?

My heart aches from the hatred, ignorance,

Or disdain; the disillusioned thoughts

They hold of reality.

Enough of the pointing fingers.

Haven’t we done enough

Already?  What good has it done?

I do wish things were different.

Rather than carrying the old sentiments

Of the past, we could decide to learn from them.

If only we could get past this judgment

Of one another…based off the color of skin

And the stories we have heard.

Yet, it is not so at this moment.

But what could I do?

God, reckon my heart.

Yield its emotions toward Your redemption

And restore the sanctity of forgiveness.

I have been pained for a People

Who hear more words of death than life;

Who, though the first of the land,

Have subsequently become the last on our minds.

The more my thoughts think of the offense,

The deeper my frustration…

And without any logical consent,

I, then, join in the dumping of mud

That has become cyclical…

Racism.  Such a dirty thing.

The paradox of it all:

Unity of the Body has become broken

Because the past hurts and stereotypes

Are welcomed beyond that of a handshake.

And I judged.

And I withheld love,

Because, as I justified,

“How dare they who love You

Undignify those who were created in the image of You;

As in the same way as we?”

But I was wrong.

As heartbreaking as it is to admit

This sin, it is no greater or less

Than the ones committed in the past.

As horrendous the hypocrisy,

Truth is, those who are in the wrong

Know not what they do…

They are only spouting off what they heard.

How could they know anything else?

Forgive them, Lord.

For even the blood of Christ was shed

For even the most offensive of wrongs.

I cannot hold onto what You have pardoned.

I do ask for a renewing of their minds.

I do ask that You would bring truth to their understanding.

But rather than my zealous words imparting,

I will trust You will do it. 

Your hand must be the one to clean the water.

Hatred has stirred enough dirt to poison the hearts of generations.

We have not allowed ourselves to move past these hurts,

For we have sought after justification with

Our own guilt-ridden hands. 

For none are righteous.  Each of us are as filthy rags…

Nevertheless, You make all things new.

Lastly, this blame I bear can no longer be my own.

The hidden sin I fear to have tainted my name

Must be forgiven, healed;

This shame has to be forsaken. 

This weight no longer is mine, for I am not defined

By what the faces of my ancestry have committed.

You make all things new, and that includes

My being, my heritage, and my name.

You decided to keep no records of wrong -

Not of my accord.  May I forgive the sin unknown

And love through the midst of it.