Why Stay?

    Three weeks left of the school year, and I have turned in my resignation for a full-time teaching position.  Resigned, because, I was given a notice of non-renewal.  I inquired about transferring into another teaching position.  Two years ago, I was allowed to do that.  However, it was made very clear that I am not be a teacher next year. The only position I can take is a TA or subbing.  A door closed.

    Honestly, I’ve been fighting feelings of bitterness, holding grudges...I’ve been fighting quite a while now.  It started back in February.  I was trying to manage my classroom as I should, but I guess I misunderstood some things, and in summary and from my perspective, I increasingly became more confused and frustrated of what was being required of me.  Never voicing it to the principal, out of fear that I may be pointing fingers when I shouldn’t, and secondly, feeling like a failure and worrying how he might see my capabilities, I put myself in a position in which I self-prophesied my doom.  There was a point in which I was so discouraged that I was fed up. I would have rather wanted to sub.  

    “Just let me be done!  I’m tired of the pressure!  I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough...Never doing things perfectly…”  After all, last year, I was told my principal that there was no more room for forgiveness.  At some level, I know he was trying to push me to get better, but after another year, I wonder if he saw any of my growth.  For two months, I fought depression.  I held off the thoughts that I was stupid, and not making a difference.  I regressed in believing that my supervisors should’ve encouraged me more.  They should have taken notice of the things I was doing well, but nothing was said.  All that was seen was my lack.  Subsequently, temptation to believe my identity was held in my role as a teacher seeped into my psyche.  It was about a month ago that I finally looked around, heard what my TA was saying, and realized that I am more than what was being recognized.  Am I the perfect teacher?  Am I superior?  Not yet.  I still have a lot to learn.  However, I know that my students are learning, and I am making a positive impact.

    There are questions of underlying motives...As awkward to accuse: is the District Administration aiming to have Native teachers to the point that they will make white teachers step down when non-tenured?  I would hate to have that be the truth.  Nonetheless, even if it is the truth, what more can I do?  The more I think upon possibility, it does stir up bitterness, disdain, and unforgiveness. 

    Man.  Just right when I finally regained the confidence of my abilities, this last blow came.  There are a mix of emotions about the whole circumstance.  And with one door closed, questions arise.  Namely, what will I do for the next school year?  Most people have advised that I should just move on.  Write a resume, start applying for teaching jobs elsewhere.

    People look complexed when I give them the answer I have.  For good reason, too.  Anyone who would find themselves in my position would readily move on.  And yet, I am choosing to stay.  I am staying when it all seems ludicrous. 

*****

    So, why stay?  

    During the internal discourse I was fighting inside my brain, I once had a dream.  I had been telling myself I wanted to go “home” (which unfortunately, usually did NOT mean back to my hometown, but was actually a pseudonym for suicidal thing, i.e. home = heaven).  In the dream, I left Browning, and returned to my parents’ home.  But the students I had this year followed me.  Then Jesus suddenly came back.  I was able to leave the house and go with Jesus; some of my students were able to come with me.  However, there were a few faces where they were NOT allowed to leave the house; every time they tried to open the door, the knob was locked, leaving the students behind after Jesus came back.  This dream confirmed for me that if I left, I would be leaving a position where my influence is vital to show and share the gospel with students.  I needed to stay on the Blackfeet Rez.

    However, I was still unsure, at the time, if I wanted to teach full-time.  I was beat down and ready to move on from the criticism of what I was doing wrong.  “Damned if I do; damned if I don’t.”  I really did come to the conclusion that subbing was the answer to step away from the discouraging criticism, and at some level, believed to be unneeded.  (It’s one thing to be directive, but living with the fear that every step I make would be the wrong is too much, sometimes.)  I had the confirmation that I needed to stay on the Blackfeet Rez (the thought crossed my mind to move to another Rez, and make it easier on me).  

    While working through my counseling book, on anxiety, it brought up that avoidance continues the process of anxiousness.  Opposed to what the mind whispers, trying to run away from a problem fosters fear more so.  It is the facing what discourages us that will make us overcomers. Running away to another job would be a form of avoidance, after all I have been through.  Within the next couple days, I was reading in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9, how Paul asked God to take away a thorn.  God refused.  It reminded my situation with my job.  The thorn being criticism.  The conversation with God went as such:

        God: “It would be easy to sub.”

        Me: “I would be removing the thorn of criticism rather than learning how to not crumble when under it.”

        “Bingo.  And if you sub, then you will enter a desert season (not growing in this area)...You will grow so much as an educator full-time than as a sub.  Subs are not held as much accountable, nor do they have as much influence.  Teaching is your ministry.”

*****

    Three weeks til the summer break and what does all of this background mean, concerning the coming August?  First, I believe that God wants me to stay with my Blackfeet people.  He is not done working through me here.  Secondly, God doesn’t want me to shy away from a full-time position, even after all the criticism I believe I received the last three months.  

    It sounds a bit counterintuitive...how can I be convinced that God would want me to stay, and yet, simultaneously, want me to go after a full-time teaching position (especially when the district is closing that position to me)?  Truth is, I am assured that God is going take care of my needs.  When I first moved to Browning, I was able to live substantially on a sub wage.  I have figured if I need anymore income, I can sell photos and do photoshoots on the side, as well.  At this moment, I have been told blatantly that I am not allowed to teach.  However, in the same day of this notice, I was told of other possible news that might shift things by this fall.  If so, a full-time teaching position just may open up.  I believe God was assuring me that if this change does occur, not to hold onto any grudges and refuse a position, based on the pain I have felt now.  I must let go, and allow God to use me where ever He decides to position me.

    It is not an easy thing to convince others of.  Coworkers and even those closest to me are telling me that it is better to move on.  My own mother has told me that I should try to look for a job in Kalispell or Cut Bank.  I stopped her and told her, “You don’t like me living in Browning, do you?” 

    “Laura, you have had it so hard [being on the Reservation].  I just want you happy.”  She’s not being racist, but she is pointing out something that is very evident.  It is not easy living on the Rez.  It has pained her to see me in pain.

    I explained to my mother that I know that I have had it hard.  I agree.  I am subbing, possibly becoming a TA if/when offered, but the fact of the matter is I am staying.  I am not mourning the loss of a job.  I am not seeking affirmation in a person who does not determine my identity.  Through this process, God is growing me and showing me that my identity lies in Him, not in what others’ determine.  But I cannot leave the Rez. There is a people who God loves here, and He has not released me from this place.  Yes, it has been hard.  However, I have Jesus.  I have hope.  How much harder is it for those who don’t know Jesus?  Yes, I want to be happy.  That being said, what brings me happiness is people finding Jesus and giving their lives to Him.  Life is not easy, and we shouldn’t expect it to be, just because we are Christians.  In fact, the opposite is true.  There are Christians all over the world being persecuted for their faith...some do take the chance to move elsewhere, and it gives them opportunities to share the gospel with a new group of people.  However, some refuse to leave, even at the threat of their lives.  All so that others may come to know Jesus.

    Somehow, a loss of a job pales in comparison to the loss of your head.  And at the end of it all, if people gain Christ in the face of our lost, there is glory in it for His Name.  That is that.  I must stay. 

A Lesson From a Potter

     Potter's Field Ministries came to town, yesterday, for a Good Friday service.  It was much needed, and there were a few take away points.  However, the following is what is striking me the most from what I learned last night:

"A potter never sees himself as dirty while working with clay. He doesn't see it as mud; rather he sees the clay as material; - the same way a painter sees paint or a carver with wood.

We are so quick to judge ourselves by our past: the scars, the jagged edges of our personality and mistakes, the times of growth and the times of pain. We are so quick to believe what everybody else sees in us, because they, too, see the process. However, they, too, do not see the finished product.

Remember, the Great Potter, already has the finished work in mind; He is just actively molding it. Do not become discouraged by what you see in the mirror; God's work in you is NOT done. Do not strive to soften the edges, mold the forms - it is not a work that we can complete. That is why Jesus had to come in. Trust in God. Give yourself grace, and trust that the Potter is gonna do what He means to do in you.  (Ephesians 2:10; Philippians 1:6; Colossians 1:27)"

Disowning an Inheritance: Done with the Self-Loathing

     I thought I had conquered this thing.  I learned to sink into the arms of my Heavenly Father when storms arose; I learned to cling to Him in my desperate hour, and to be content to long for Him in the hours of my joy.  But in the last two months, things have not been so.  Without going into much detail, I have been facing these same demons again.  Every which way, I wasn’t doing something right.  I would do something - all with good intentions - yet, not doing it well enough.  I would do something wrong, say something wrong.  Every turn, it felt - with less than a better way to phrase - “damned if I do, damned if I don’t.”  In my psyche, I felt jumbled.  Confused about what and where I was making my mistakes.  The more I was aware of my flaws, I only became more apt to commit them all the more.  Have you ever been in that position?  It sucks.  It’s despairing.  It’s an almost hopeless feeling.  I was tired of fighting.  I just wanted to be done.  Who cares?  If I am not wanted, why try to convince them otherwise?

     Anxiety...fear...depression...imperfect. That has been the culprit.  I am imperfect. 

     I know that I am not perfect.  I know that I am human.  Actually, Daddy God has been showing me that it’s okay.  He’s the good work in me, not myself.  But when someone else saw my flaws, and only spoke to me when I made them, it triggered something of the past.  I was no longer the confident daughter of the King.  I became, once again, the wretched girl who is no longer good enough.  No matter if the intention was to grow me, I felt defeated.  I have felt defeated for two months straight.  Over the course of my life, I no only inherited anxiety from my grandmother, but I constantly have feared the disdain of others’ opinion of me.  I know that God has made me, but there is this insistent pressure to believe the words that carry the most weight are the ones that I can see their faces.  Their impact is more immediate.  The blows have been cut deep and cut daily.  Once I could gain enough courage to hold onto the encouragement God was so desperately speaking to me to believe, another left hook runs in right field, tripping me to fall on my knees with a slump of defeat.  I want to get back up.  Stand firm.  Never back down, and never fear that I would fall.  Yet, here I am.

      It’s been nearly three decades with having this chain of anxiety tied around my waist.  Sure, I am strong.  Yet, this strength carries a cost in which it is too much to bear.  I am either too much to share my burden, or I slowly asphyxiate from my own isolation; a measure taken to not cause any worry for other loved ones in my life.  But this isn’t living, and surely not living in the purpose and power of Christ.  The worst of it is I know who I am in Christ.  I know all the Bible verses, and how I should think.  “I know better, so I should do better,”  I tell myself.  And that statement causes a condemnation that should not be my own.  Where God’s grace is meant to cover my heartache and brokenness, I fall into subjection to a law that has already been fulfilled. I have had enough.   I have had enough of not feeling like I am not good enough.  I have had enough of living in courage, and yet, when stepping into boldness, I suddenly become fearful of the rejected response I secretly wish (yet still expect to occur) won’t come.  I am tired of not caring, because I care too much of what people think.  I am tired of knowing that my identity is in Christ, but yet, I am constantly living a definition written by other men and women.  I am tired of being wrecked by wounds that I inflict, because I determine my situation to be the revelation of truth.  I am tired of not resting.  I have had enough of not being enough. 

     I am determined, however.  Ever since I was born, I was a fighter.  Call me stubborn; sometimes I wonder if it does me some good, though.  My mind may have been ravished by lies draining the rivers of life from my soul, but there is enough of His Holy Spirit seeping in to convince me that I know what I am believing is a lie.  Does that make sense?  I know I have been discouraged, and yet, I have enough of His truth in me to make me restless; to make me not content with just lying down dead in the face of my enemies.  Their names: anxiety, fear, failure, defeat.  So, I am getting back up.  Pick up that Sword and cut out the arrows that have poisoned me.  Their venom has been swimming in the midst of Salvation’s blood, but I aim to not be finished with allowing it to continue to “water” the soil of my heart.  I am going to let God do His perfect work in me. Oma, I am thankful for the heritage you left me.  You desired after God, and had a heart of worship.  The women of your family were prayer warriors.  But there is thing I must no longer receive from you.  Bid me no disdain for disowning the inheritance of anxiety.  I am done with the self-loathing, and I want to learn to stand in the truth of God fully.  I am ready to believe all He has said about me, and His heart for me. How this shall look: to be continued...  

The Wildnerness of Anxiousness

Can you say,

“I love you,”

When I am unlovable?

Can you hold me

When my frustrations flails

Through the tip of my tongue,

Bearing down blades that cut.

If not careful, you may shed blood.

If you are not aware, you will not see

How may scars I have already borne to my own.

I know I am not perfect.

I know that I should be content with this fact.

But I am not.  I still seek

That I may do the right thing,

And stop failing in trying.

I feel so alone.

Does anyone actually understand?

Or are the intensity of my emotions

The root of lack of sleep;

Excuses to make mountains

Out of mole hills?

I look left when I should go right.

I take two steps backward,

Instead of moving forward…

I hate myself for it.

And I hate myself for hating myself.

Sorry for the confusion I cause.

Sorry for the mess I stir up,

But all I’m trying to do is fight

The accusations that penetrate my mind.

It’s not enough.

I’ve never been enough…

The faster I run, the more holes I fall

In the name of justification.

I keep circling.  

All I want to do stop playing

Ring-a-round-a posies

With anxiousness; when will it end

Determining my identity?

I am hurt.

I have been healed, but I am now asking,

When will I finally get

To be completely whole?

Seeing God's Goodness

“God is good, all the time!  And all the time, God is good!”  This is a popular phrase among Christian circles, but what happens when you live in a place where you question God’s goodness?  

    I am not, personally, in a position, where I doubt that God is good.  However, I have found that most often than not, some of my peers, students, or colleagues are fatigued from the perpetual sorrow caused by death, addiction, and overall destruction.  I have tried to encourage them that things can be better.  But, they look at me dumbfounded, wondering if this really be true.  A couple times, they outright disagree, saying that nothing is ever going to change.  

    It’s a little disheartening.  While walking through the pain that my people experience, I am finding myself restless at heart.  Looking back on my own life, I have been able to see God at work in my life.  I have seen how He really has taken the bad things in my life, and turned them around for good, furthermore, bringing glory to His name.  However, I am discontent to see the goodness of God in my life, and yet my people are unable to see it. 

    In the last couple of weeks, I have been pondering on Psalms 27:13-14.  I have seen a despair among my Blackfeet people, and it breaks my heart, because I long so much that they would have the assuring hope that I have.  I don’t want them to be discouraged in spite of the hurts that they have had to endure.  I want them to believe that the future does not have to mimic the painful past, rather, it can be the heavenly kingdom manifested upon the earth.

    But what does it take to see the goodness of the Lord? We can council as much as want, lecture our youth as much as we can, and make as many laws to our heart’s desire, and yet, at this present moment, we still are despairing.  There are still many wandering, searching, lost, distraught or depressed, and hopeless.

***

    “I would have lost heart, unless I have believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait [in faith] on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!”                -Psalm 27:13-14 (NKJV)

    I decided to study this reference in its context, and in the first verse, it states, “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”  The psalmist, David, progressed to divulge that he had enemies waiting to devour him, was surrounded by them, and yet, he took his attention to focus on God.  These enemies literally want to kill him, but he wanted to take time in God’s presence.  And even when he found himself in a position that he couldn’t depend on his family (see Psalm 27:10), David was confident that God would take care of him.  It was in his worship that he cried out; and it was in his worship that he hoped for the goodness of God to be revealed.

    The word strength is repeated in the first and thirteenth verses, and I don’t believe it to be coincidence.  There is something to focusing our attention on God, as our strength.  What we focus on is our reality, and the question is, what or who do we focus on? That focus is our strength, our nourishment, and the encouragement that we hold onto as we face life in this world.

    Life is not perfect.  Sometimes it has its trials and temptations.  And just because you believe in Jesus, doesn’t mean that your life will be perfect (see John 15:18-25).  Actually, sometimes, and quite often, it can be tough.  David still had an enemy who wanted him dead.  He was a man after God’s own heart, and yet, he had to look over his shoulder to care for whoever might want to stab him (if you are catching my drift).  Listen clearly:  the devil will give hell to anyone who gives him the hell that awaits him.  He will regift the trouble that is already “awarded” him, to anyone who in their prayers, is seeking the Lord’s face; who is trusting in God’s strength to fight their battles.  Be encouraged!  Sometimes trouble means that there is a difference being made in the spiritual realm.  Let this be marked: though we be hurt and wounded, the memory of war fresh in our minds; in Jesus Christ, the victory of war has already been won.  This is the goodness of the Lord that we get to look to.  The enemy has been defeated.

    There is a lesson from the Vietnam War.  I have heard it said that the US never lost a battle, and yet, they lost the war.  They lost, because their troops were called home.  They lost, because, essentially, they retreated from their posts.  Looking at the upfront struggles within our community, it is hard to carry on at times.  We look on, wondering what we can do...and so, we get back to work, brainstorming for the right things to do to shift the atmosphere on the Rez.  Or we, circumvently, retreat out of discouraged, failed efforts.  We in our own strength, will not make the devil retreat from his post.  However, in Christ, he has already lost.

    Yet, we still pray, “Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10).”  Jesus not only came to save us, and force us to wait for redemption later.  The gift of His sacrifice produces a grace that can transform our groaning world (see Romans 8:19-25), even now.  Jesus modeled this prayer, showing us that it can become a present reality, as much as our eternal future.  I think the key to seeing God’s goodness in the land of the living is seeking His face.  We may be going through life, fighting battle after battle, and it seems like the devil wins every time.  But we need to look to God for our strength.

    In the Amplified translation, verse fourteen states, “Confidently expect the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage…”  I think expecting the Lord is key to seeing His goodness.  Expecting the Lord...for what?  (It does sound like an incomplete sentence.)  But just that.  Expect the Lord.  When David identified his enemies, and their pursuit for him, his primary instinct wasn’t to cry out for help or start fighting.  His desire was to see his God.  David took time to remember who was really in charge, and in that manner, ushered God’s presence into his present situation.  And when the Light of the World invades the darkness, the plans of the enemy are confounded, confused, and ultimately overcome. 

      As I write this, my prayer has been that my community would turn and seek our Creator God with our whole heart.  I don’t want Jesus to be an adage to our lives; I want Him to be the life of my Blackfeet people.  God has never ceased to be good.  He never changes, and shows no partiality.  I know that He is at work. He is the God of all things; He is eternal and omnipresent. He knows our very need even before we have enough strength to utter the cries on our hearts. When we seek His face, when our focus is turned toward Him, I believe that we will be able to see His goodness, as well as open doors for His will to be manifested on earth.  

A Letter to a Student

     I had a student who admitted that his father drinks.  I could see the pain in his eyes, and when I mentioned that my own father used to be an alcoholic, the idea of such change seemed impossible for him.  So, I decided to talk with my uncle, to see from a family member's perspective on waiting for someone to change.  The hope.  The questions.  Perhaps the doubt.  What follows is a letter I wrote to the student.  I hope this is an encouragement to him, as well as others. After all, the testimony of Jesus Christ is the spirit of prophecy (see Revelation 19:10).

Dear ----,

    I have been thinking about when you admitted your dad drinking.  That is something that can be hard to mention in class.  It took a lot of courage to share something as that.  Thank you for trusting our class to carry such knowledge.  That being said, it broke my heart to see that you struggle to believe that anything can be different.  ----, I am not going to speak to you as a teacher, but as a youth leader. 

    I know that things can be hard in our community, but I want to encourage you that things can be different.  It may be a while, but I do believe things can change.  I believe things can get better, and I believe that God can impact our families and community.  I believe this, ----, because I have seen it in my own family.

    You see, my dad was once an alcoholic too.  He started drinking at the age of 12.  Things were alright, at home.  My dad grew up in a Christian family that was supportive, but he grew up in a small town, and I guess it was the thing to do.  However, it made an impact on his life.  My dad has told me that when he used to drink, he became someone else.  Mean, angry...and in his words, a jerk.  This carried on into adulthood.  He even began to experiment with other drugs.  He did cocaine so he could stay up and drink some more.  My dad would have hangovers, and the way he dealt with the pain was to drink more beer.  Alcohol is a depressant, and so by drinking more, he could numb the pain.  Nevertheless, it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be (no pun intended...okay, maybe a little).

    My uncle has told me that in 1979, my dad, at the age of 24, asked Jesus to come into his heart, during Christmas Day.  However, for nearly the next 20 years, alcohol had continued to have a hold on my dad.  Throughout the 80s, my dad would periodically call my uncle between 12-4am and argue who Jesus was.  My uncle would listen to my dad’s rants, but he knew my father was drunk.  It wasn’t the real Merle Hall talking.  My uncle would finally hang up, knowing it wasn’t any use to argue.  However, he was praying for my dad through it all.

    There was a moment where my uncle visited my dad after my parents gotten together and had me.  I was about two years old.  My father was holding a family and job, but in the midst of the celebration of family, my uncle wondered.  He didn’t necessarily doubt, but he had his own questions.  Looking at my father who had an addiction, with my mother and myself not knowing Christ, as well, he wondered where faith would take our little family.  It was tiring on my uncle to hear my father barade and argue with him.  My uncle stated that my father was living as if he had no anchor.  But...my uncle still hoped.

    In 1996, my dad called my uncle asking if he heard of a ministry called Promise Keepers.  It is a men’s ministry, encouraging men to become the fathers, husbands, brothers, and sons meant to be in Christ.  My uncle had heard of them.  “Would you like to come with me, to Denver?”  My uncle was excited for the invitation, and he made the trip down to see my dad.  The conference lasted three days.  On the third night, they asked for anyone to accept Christ.  My dad inquired whether he should go up for prayer or not.  My uncle, remembering my dad’s prayer in 1979, asked, “Has Jesus ever been more Lord to you than now?”  My dad replied that He had not.  So, with that, my uncle and dad went forward.  My dad asked Jesus to not only be his Savior, but to be his Lord.  My uncle has stated, “When you make Jesus Christ your Lord, that is when your life changes.” 

    My dad made a complete shift.  He focused on becoming the husband and father that he needed to be.  He threw away bad music and started going to church.  But furthermore, he immediately quit drinking and smoking cold turkey.  My uncle waited a year to see what happened.  If my father was going to relapse back into his old habits (for lack of a better term), it would happen within the first year.  However, it didn’t.  In 1997, my uncle invited my dad to move to Missoula and work for him.  My family has been in Missoula ever since (that is, until I moved on the Rez).  

    I know that this is a short story, but this is the long-term impact of my dad’s decision.  He has continued to be sober for almost 23 years.  He became the father I needed him to be, and he has been my biggest supporter in the things I have wanted to do.  He has become a man of wisdom and encouragement.  I would not be the woman I am today, if it was not for my dad.  This may sound too good of a story, but I am not telling you this story so that you can congratulate me.  I want to reiterate this story - my story - because I believe that what God has done for me, can be done for you.  ----, I pray that your father may have a life-changing encounter with Jesus, and may your relationship with him be healed.  I believe that this can happen. 

God is timeless, and doesn’t look at time as we do.  I could assume that you have waited for your father to become the man that you need him to be.  But, -----, I want to encourage you to keep hoping and praying.  God loves your dad, and His eye is on him.  I know that God has already been moving in your family’s lives; I see the evidence of this, because your uncle knows and follows Jesus.  If God can move in your uncle’s life, surely he can move in your father’s (as well as others who need Him).  Don’t give up ----.  If he speaks hurtful words to you, forgive him, and know that there is a different spirit that is speaking.  Pray for him continuously; your father will be worn down by prayer and will be transformed some day.  It can be a long while or sooner.  But be ready for it!!  It could happen at ANYTIME! 

In James 5:16, it states, “...The prayers of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”  In the Message paraphrase, it says, “The prayers are...something to be reckoned with.”  Wow!!! If you know Jesus, and are praying for your family, God is going to move in it.  It may be a while, but it could be as eminent as any day.  My uncle waited for the change in my father for nearly 20 years!  But God is faithful!!!   

Grateful to have you as a student, as well as know you through IYC.  You are a gift, and I am excited to see what God has planned for your life, as well as for your family.  I will keep praying and hoping for you, your classmates, as well as our community.

Have a blessed day,

        Laura