No More

It was Monday afternoon.

The sky gray; the green earth

Uncovered with dirt as a crowd gathered.

Rain side-sputtered making the evening

Cold too soon; not due just to temperature.

During Mass, people respectfully listened

To the Father speak some measure of hope.

With his last commencements, scores followed

The casket to the hill.

Tears balanced not to overflow onto cheeks;

Jaws clenched, and eyes forward.

A pain felt that has been felt before…

Another one gone…when does it end?

The people were silent until the pallbearers laid

The final bed to rest.  It was then

After the roses fell that tears became whimpers

Which turned into loud cries.

A mother carried her child, coddling a snack;

Too young to realize that death is finite to the flesh.

In two weeks’ time, there will have been three men buried.

None of which were close to my father’s age.

And my father’s not that old.

Before we think of going off

Continuing ideas of stereotypes due to

The deprivation found on the Reservation,

Our sins and struggles are no different than anothers’.

Perhaps it is more common, and we are more honest.

It stares at us more bluntly;

We are more aware of its sinister grin.

Nevertheless, I have seen the cyclical hurt,

And I will not turn an ignorant eye to suit my comfort.

This is my home.  And though I am not of their Nation;

They are my people.  Blood has been spilled,

Hope has been choked for generations;

Anticipation for better suffocated.

No more.

Though I am not yet beyond tears,

My sorrow has mixed with anger and frustration.

My heart has become burdened.

The Land has been spiritually trespassed upon –

Yet, I remember that it is the one who curses

Who shall be condemned.

The enemy shall be resisted…

And he shall flee.

This is the hope I must hold onto.

Because there is a darkness I have seen,

There is a pain we have felt deeply.

It seems to consume our hearts.

How long can we bear the battering ram

Of death knocking on our doors?

Not just the literal, but also in the lacking

Will to live…will to thrive.

And what of the spiritual…hinted, but never spoken?

Oh God, how long can we go on as we have?

Teens attempt to expound on their lives

Getting high by losing their minds

To a substance that manipulates their judgment.

Needles litter playgrounds and sidewalks;

Revealing the constant mockery that all is not well,

For now.

Children run around without the careful watch of those who bore them.

Abuse, neglect is known of…but what can we do?

It is desired more to stare in front of colorful screens,

Hoping for a huge payout,

Than to witness the pride in our youths’ accomplishments.

We have been broken.

We are tired; weary from the ongoing lashing

On our hope for the future.

We have cried with tears of sorrow,

Gritted our teeth in anger for what the devil has enjoyed

Destroying.

We have had enough.

No more.

God, our souls groan within us

For the redemption of creation.

We pray!  We pray!

Jesus, come into our land;

Only by Your blood can we be saved!

Invade the obscure corners that hide

The death rampant on our streets.

God, will You please breathe life

Into the Sleeping Giants in the North?

Awaken their souls that have long become dormant;

Numbed to the repetitive rut.  It does not have to remain as such.

Draw this people to You.

Remind them that they are not excluded

From the inheritance found in Christ.

Make it known in their hearts

The height

The depth

The width

The length

Of Your love for the world

Including them.

They are not reserved to be forgotten, Jesus.

Reveal to them that You are mindful of them,

And You love them to a maximum that is immeasurable.

Holy Spirit, come quickly.

Our situation is dire; do not tarry.

Reverse the weeds of the enemy

Which were sown to steal away

A people You have called.

There has been enmity between the race of man and the snake

Since the beginning of time.

We were created in Your image;

A daily reminder of the One who sits on the heavenly throne.

Deception laid in wait to seethe a relinquishing of Life.

And he has drawn blood;

And oh!  How we have fallen.  Manipulated our nature

To not mirror Your own. What wretchedness to be repented…

There is a darkness.  Yes, I have seen it.

Yet because of Your death, a new nature imputes in us;

Your kingdom courses within us.

Every time that we, Your children, go into the world,

This darkness has been penetrated.

That snake has been finished.

Christ sent, laid His foot upon his neck;

Overcame the night, dispersed His light.

Yes, my heart has been burdened

Concerning the things I have witnessed.

Blood has been shed for generations.

To the natural eye, there seems to be no end.

And yet…

Yet is a key word in the vocabulary of heaven.

With Jesus’ sacrifice, He has already won.

Though the enemy seeks to encamp around my people;

Smothering them with discouragement and loss-

We do not fear, for greater is He who is in us…

An Army of Fire surrounds the troops of hell.

Blood has been spilled, and so we are out for blood.

However, our battle is fought on our knees,

Imploring our Father to move His hand

For the natives of this land.

Yes, my heart has been burdened.

But I remember

That the one who cursed my loved ones

Shall be condemned.

He will be resisted;

He will flee.

Amen. [1]

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[1] Other verses to be noted: Ephesians 1:1-21; Ephesians 3:17-19; Ephesians 6:10; James 4:7; Jeremiah 33:3; 1 Chronicles 7:14; 2 Kings 6:8-17

Am I the Exception? (Thoughts on Healing and Doubt)

     I have started reading the Book of Matthew in the Bible.  There seems to be a recurring theme; that of healings.  As I continue to read (and I know that it will reiterated in the following gospels), it makes me speculate my own circumstance.  I hate bringing it up, but as long as my physical body remains as is, I will probably continue to discuss this topic.  Perhaps, even after I have been healed. 

     I haven’t done much thinking about the cerebral palsy, or the seizure disorder.  I don’t ask many questions.

     That is, except for recently.  Ever since my pastor preached on a story that revolved around a man’s healing, the contemplation on the subject has been on the forefront of my thoughts.  Now, I am in a place of where I am trying to figure God out.  What must I do to finally receive this gift of healing that He has promised me?  I have received pictures, as well as words (of knowledge) that healing will come in the physical; here on earth.  It’s been twenty-six years.  How long must I wait?

     I guess I shouldn’t complain too much.  There was a man in the Bible who was thirty-eight years old before Jesus touched him.  Who knows what the ages of others who met Him were?  Twenty-six might be nothing.  However, my case in point is this – I have been waiting awhile.  And still my question remains.  How much longer?

     I hate the idea that I might have to admit that there may be doubt God will heal me completely.  No, I do not doubt His ability.  I have seen God move in peoples’ lives.  I have seen Him heal people.  Arms grow, legs equal in length, allergies dissipate from the body.  He even grew my right leg, and back when I was in 5^th grade, pinched nerves in my spine that caused nightly pain had been mended only by His hand.  No, I do not doubt His ability.  The sad confession is I wonder if I doubt His intention; His timing. 

     You see…all the stories in the Bible of Jesus encountering individuals resulted in an immediate healing.

     “Why not me, God?  How long do I have to wait?”

     This is when I start trying to figure God out.  Do I just have to believe more?  Pray more?  I was told once that I need to walk out my healing.  What does that even mean?  Am I supposed to start using my right side?  I try.  I am starting to lift weights with my right hand, strengthen my arms.  When I do squats while I work-out, I consciously make my right leg push up.  But what of the seizure disorder?  How do you do that?  I tried to reduce my meds once…it resulted in a seizure.

     You see how cyclical this can become?  And I don’t think it has progressed toward any answers. 

     I went for a run this morning.  There is an Ice-Breaker in Great Falls at the end of this month, and I would love to run the 1 mile race.  For training, I go by the high school, and run about 1.5 miles.  So far, I am able to run the entire distance in about 15 minutes.  Which means I am running a mile in about 9-10 minutes.  I guess I should be happy for myself.  But I found myself upset.  My right knee was hurting, and I suddenly could only think about how much it seems like I have to push myself harder to reach the same point as my friends.  They don’t have to exert the same amount of energy or effort to get to the same finish line.  I am the one who has to struggle.  Why do I have to be the handicapped one of the group?

     Dang it.  An ugly thing revealed itself: a victim mindset. 

Mt. Renyolds at Glacier National Park.

     I could’ve swore that the problem I have in living with cerebral palsy and a seizure disorder is more-so identity.  I have amazing friends, and they have not treated me as if I am the handicapped one of the group.  And yet, I have often felt the pressure to still prove myself in ability and strength, so that none could question. Perhaps that is one reason why I will do physical feats that push me beyond what is comfortable.

     There has also been the second layer to my thoughts in do I even need God’s healing  (after all, I do so many things well, just as I am)?  Will God heal someone who feels like they have no need for it?  A person may have a terminal condition, but unless he goes to the doctor for assistance, he will not have his condition treated. 

     However, while I was wondering what God was wanting to address in me with my disgruntleness in running, I felt that He pointed out, “Let’s talk about this ‘Why me?’ struggle [you have].”  Victim mentality.  Stupid victim mentality.

     But it’s a bit more than that.  As I stated before, I believe that God heals.  I do not doubt His ability.  However, I am scared to admit that I struggle in the waiting for His promises.  I do not blame God for the stroke.  Or the cerebral palsy and seizure disorder.  Things happen in this world, because we live in an earth that by its own nature is fallen and broken.  No, my questions come from the manner of time.  In the Bible, there are stories of those who have been healed immediately.  So, why then, am I the one who has to wait?  Am I just an exception?  Why can’t God heal me like the ones in the Bible?  Do I not have enough faith?  I will open my right hand in faith, hoping that nerves will suddenly awaken and start moving.  But they don’t.  I have asked myself what God is waiting for, trying to figure out the formula by which to quicken His word for me.  And yet, I know there is something skewed with this process of thinking.

     “It’s not about your works, but about My grace.  The devil wants you to believe that I’m not a good Father; that I will withhold good things from you.”

      I felt that I needed to go to the Book of Job, and this is what I found in the last chapters.  It’s not a really ‘nice’ passage.  A bit correcting, if you ask me.  However, it is what God was saying to me:

           “Who has put wisdom in the mind?  Or who has given understanding to the heart?...Shall the one who contends with the Almighty correct Him?  He who rebukes God, let him answer it…Would you indeed annul My judgement?  Would you condemn Me that you may be justified?  Have you an arm like God? Or can you thunder with a voice like His?...Who then is able to stand against Me?  Who has proceeded Me that I should pay him?  Everything under heaven is Mine.”                                                                                                                                      – Job 38:36; 40:2, 8-9, 10b-11

     There is a lot to take out of this, but the synopsis is this:  God is Lord and in control, and therefore who can question His wisdom?  In complaining that God hadn’t healed me; that I am left struggling and striving to be as good as those around me, I had inadvertedly told God that He was screwing up with me.  Healing is a good thing to ask for.  Yet, demanding that God fulfills His own promises in our will, honestly, is some dangerous ground to be standing on.  I had to repent.  And Job’s response could not be any more perfect.

“I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You.  You asked, ‘Who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?’  Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know...I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You.” – Job 42:2-3, 5

God is fully capable.  And what God means to do, it shall be done.  Nothing can prevent God’s will from happening.  I do not need to be restless for Him to move in my life. 

     And now what?  I need to worship God for who He is.  He is my good Father, who gives only good gifts.  He is God, and I am human.  His ways are higher than my ways, and His thoughts exceed my thoughts.  I need to worship Him in the midst of what I cannot see.  He is in control, and the manifestation of my healing will come at the right time.  I will wait.  I will ask…but in belief and faith, with a full confidence that God’s promises are indeed, “Yes, and Amen.”  I do not need to doubt, or be discouraged.  After all, even the ones who were healed immediately when they crossed paths with Jesus had their own time of waiting before receiving healing. 

     It will come.  Be patient my soul.