One

This isn't the first post I have made on the cause of race relations.  But while in the shower, some words came to me in a song.  When the discussions about the relationships between Native Americans and whites come up, it is almost hardly in a positive fashion.  Often, the pain of the abuse rips open old wounds, and forgiveness needs to be applied again.  In the process of my own healing - which sounds odd, since I am white - I have had to learn to not adopt the shame of my great-great-great-great grandfather's generation.  I did not commit the sin.  However, what comes of all this skeleton in the closet?  Do we become friends, but refrain from speaking on the past?  Obviously we must learn from it!  

But how can we see God at work in all the pain?  That was the crux of the song in the shower:  "I can call you my brother, but I know that this would not be, if our fathers had never met."  This doesn't excuse the behavior and the laws that forced so many people from their lands and families, but is it possible that God knew that what the inter-racial relationship of the 1800s would not have to persist?  That He knew His kingdom would come, and people would realize that His family was multi-cultural?  Perhaps, it is not enough of an answer.  But I hope that it can bring healing.

One

Together as one?

We can't ever

Seem to forget.

The pain lingers,

Lines drawn

By the colors of skin.

One perpetually apologizing

For the sins of the past.

Another haunted by the trauma

Pressed upon the psyche

So many generations ago.

I wish it didn't happen

Like it did.

I wish it wasn't

As it were.

I wish I could've changed

It.

And yet, I am thankful

To call you friend.

I am grateful

To name you as brother, a sister.

But I know it would not be

If our fathers never met.

Might it be possible

That the hell they went through

The battles they fought

Was all worth it

If it meant you and me

United as one?

Our fathers saw each other

As enemies.

They stared at one another

Filled with hostilities.

Let go of the hate...

What they believed to be impossible,

God made it 

A reality.

We're together as one.

Thoughts on Sexual Purity

    I never had to worry about church advising me that “Sex is bad.”  In fact, in my youth group, we talked about it every February.  We called it “Purity Month.”  They noted that sex is God’s plan, but it is designed for the context of marriage.  This is a raw entry concerning my journey into how to navigate relationships.  I have been known to have never had sex; and yet, the truth is the struggle to remain pure is harder than what it appears to be.  Especially when you find someone of interest.  So, without further adieu, here are my thoughts, struggles, and my understanding of how relationships have to be more than just about myself.

     I started going to youth group at 13-years-old, but didn’t have my first crush until I was 15-years-old.  The sexual part of a relationship didn’t appeal to me, because I was taught that a relationship needed to be grounded in the knowing the person (and following God) first, before knowing someone physically.  Dating was a precursor for marriage, not something social to do - so I already made up my mind that during high school, I would refrain from dating.  If I wasn’t old enough to marry, then why date? (By the way, I am not saying that the convictions I followed for myself don’t have to be the law for others; however, with wisdom, prayer and the Word, it is important to understand one’s boundaries and follow accordingly.)  

     College started seeing a change.  After all, I was an adult, and I was free from my limitation of “no dating.”  However, no one came by that a mutual attraction was found.  Sure, I had a couple crushes, but they were not reciprocated.  Not many showed interest in me, and the few that did, I did not find them interesting.  (A little harsh?)  I do remember writing a list at 22-years-old, identifying qualities that I wanted in a husband (I edited this list three years later, asking God what I should be looking for...definitely more substantial, because I received His input on what I should be looking for).  I figured that by 28 years, I would be married.  Yeah, things didn’t turn out that way.  I am almost 29-years-old, and honestly, there is someone who I am interested in.  He admitted that he has been thinking of me, too.  However, with prayer, we decided that now is the time to focus on God, and stay as friends.  At least for now, with the agreement that we would still talk periodically.

     That is the short story.  Cultivating sexual purity has been easy for me - mainly because there hasn’t been anyone in the picture.  However, when I look at my teens and through my twenties, I am finding that sexual purity is more complicated than I ever imagined.  Especially when someone is in mind.  The reality is that I have had to ask myself WHY am I attracted to this person, and WHY am I wanting to be in a relationship at this moment.  

     Here’s the truth: in the process of desiring to be married, I have found that my ideas of marriage have supported more of a notion of what my man could do for me, rather than a mutual love based in Christ. (I say this as a Christian!)  

        *The list I wrote at 22 mentioned specific things in a man, either had complete agreement with interests (i.e. athletics, music, loves the outdoors), or asking that God would give my future husband abilities that I felt I did not have (for example, I wanted a husband that could cook, because I didn’t know how to cook).

        *I have wanted to be held by a man, because I miss having hugs.  I grew up in a church where everyone hugged.  I don’t get hugs anymore, and living alone can sometimes make that want more.

        *I wanted someone who I can share all my thoughts, hopes, and dreams.

        *I have never visualized the act of it, but the desire for sex in the context of marriage (because, I know very well that sex outside of marriage is a sin) has become more wanting...the idea of a mutual giving of one another sounds amazing.

     There are some things in this little list that one may question, “What’s wrong with that?”  Don’t I want a husband where we have similar interests?  Sure, but if I want everything to be the same, I mine as well marry myself.  The truth is, having some differences might be the strengths in the areas of my weaknesses (vice versa - my strengths for his weakness) is very vital.  “If sex is a good thing, inside the context of marriage, then what’s so bad about dreaming about it, now?”  Well, wanting it now may tempt me to get outside of time, and push for having sex prematurely, or getting into a marriage prematurely, with someone who is not healthy. However, this is just starting to scratch the surface.

     I have begun to realize my personal motive for wanting to be in a romantic relationship.  I know that I shouldn’t wake love before it’s time (see Song of Solomon 3:5), and yet, I have found myself igniting a spark in which, after a little while, finally extinguishing it.  As I have continued to live life, I know I must become more vigilant.  After all, sexual purity is not just withholding sex until marriage (one can be a virgin and still not be sexually pure) - it’s mostly the thoughts linked to the longing for it.  A verse that scares me is in Matthew 5: 27-28.  

“You have heard it said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her already committed adultery with her in his heart (NKJV).”

Wait.  Lust?  Adultery?  Yeah - that’s what Jesus said.  To have a strong desire of any kind, to fix a desire upon and to set my heart...to literally covet a person, I will be lusting.  And I have found myself guilty of this.  I have longed for a relationship.  I have become infatuated, and idealizing what it may look like.  I have imagined, with excitement, the hopes I have for my future.  I have wanted to be loved unconditionally, and the object of affection.  It doesn’t sound so bad, until I become honest about the intention for which I place my attention.

     You see - I am guilty of wanting a relationship, not merely because I have found a particular man attractive, likable and desiring to get to know him.  I have wanted a relationship, because somewhere in my psyche I have believed that if I had a boyfriend/husband, then I would be convinced that I will always be loved the way I always wished I was.  I know I am loved by family and friends, but the inward self-talk I have rehearsed in my head tells me that I still fall short.  I see my flaws and failures, and I just wish that someone would love me as I am, though broken, may be able to heal me.

     There’s a couple problems with this.  First, I have insisted that my man carries me, but what of the moments when he finds himself weak?  The man whom there is a mutual attraction admitted that there is an area of his life he needs to address.  Therefore, I must carry him in prayer, rather than idealizing he will always carry me.  No person is without their strengths; no one is without their struggles, as well.  As Christians, we mutually carry one another (see James 5:13-16); that being said, none of us are God, thereby, no one can can carry someone else without also needing to be carried.  I must learn to depend on God.

     Which brings me to my second point.  If I am yearning for a man to feel my emotional needs, then what should I do while I am single?  Truth of the matter is this: there is a deep longing in my heart to be whole and loved.  But the only one to sufficiently meet that need is the One who made me.  To put that weight on a man is to idolize him, and to expect him to carry a weight only meant for God to carry. Yes, the man I want to marry must himself be godly.  He should speak words of life and desire to go after God and His calling on his life.  But if my emotional state is based on what a man says or does, then I have created my existence to surround him, rather than God.  During this time of singleness, I need to be firmly grounded in God, first and foremost (and continue this dependence through marriage).  Out of that, I can be confident in truly loving someone and to find someone who truly loves me.

     I had to redefine what lust means for me.  I needed to make sure that I could recognize its difference from love.  Lust looks like an intense desire and a giving of attraction with the intent that the other person’s purpose is to meet my needs and wants.  It’s a likeability, with a selfish motive of what the other person can do for me.  So what is love?  1 Corinthians 13 shows a wonderful list in which it not only checks for what kind of man I want to marry, but it also checks me on what my intentions are in seeking a relationship with a particular person.  In focusing my attention on God, and realizing that a romantic relationship is not always about me and filling my needs (of being loved and affirmed...because no matter if I am with someone or not, God already has and will always love and want me), I then can seek a relationship in the way that God intended: An unconditional, selfless heart toward another person, able to partner with one another pursuing God and His calling on our lives.

“Love suffers long [patient] and is kind; love does not envy [nor boils with jealousy]; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own [does not insist on its own rights or its own way], is not provoked [not touchy or resentful], thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, NKJV and AMP).”

Dear Baby Hall

Your name unknown

Provokes lingering questions.

I never met you - yet,

The heart becomes perplexed

As I miss you.

Never allowed a proper goodbye;

Nevertheless: I am haunted

By the fact that I never received

A sufficient hello.

An unexplainable pain suddenly maims

As I admit the absence

Of a sibling I should have known.  

Usual days fail to remind

My forgetfulness of you.

A sudden word or picture

Within a moment

Jots back to the loss

Unknown how to speak,

Yet, heavy to bear sometimes.

How can one love someone

They unknowingly lost, until

Years’ closets revealed the webs’

Tapestry of the story

You should’ve played?

I wonder if I am the only

Who thinks about what could’ve been.

Brother probably doesn’t even know.

Dad is willing to talk when asked;

Mom never mentions you.

As great the hurt I hold,

I can only imagine

The wounds she withholds from the world,

Forging a perpetual secret bleeding.

I cannot answer why.  I don’t know.

Is there any blame;

Is it anyone’s fault?

I don’t know.  But I choose to believe

God is good; this is the hope I hold.

Advised to know

You are Home;

This is my only comfort.

What could’ve been is not what is.

And yet, neither of us

Know what will be.

Eternity’s pages yet to be

Written and revealed.

But someday I will meet you,

See you and know you.

Until then…

Love you, and forever in my heart,

Laura Emily

What I Wish I Could Say (To My Mother)

What can I say to you, Mother, Muti, Mom, Madre? The journey since my birth until now have ebbed in ways counted in moments of lessons only learned by walking with one another.  Only until now, have been able to understand what I once was blind to.

The second our faces met, new life - a new chapter formed  a new curvature to your being as your womb knitted my existence.  Staring down fear, you dared to keep me when abandonment threatened...

You carried me more than I could know; sang lullabies more than I could list.  You bore me more than the minute I entered earth; spoke holy utterances over me more than what can be accounted.

And yet, I have a feeling that you are unaware  of the value you hold…“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of all?”

As you are:

Gifted by the One  who gives only good gifts, you have a mind full of hopes, dreams and passions.  Often laid aside, seating your loves in positions pursuing callings, yet failing to follow.  It’s time to rise, Mom.  Gratitude bursts upon the breath  I found on your breast.  Yet…You are more than the chord binding yourself to me.  Something lies dormant  waiting to release into full bloom.

Unseen beauty yet to beheld.  Gentle strength found in a delicate caress of fingers; a countenance shares stories filled with unmentioned tears; laughter that requires a second wind.  A bob in the head that beats with the music, and a booty that knows how to groove in every moment of joy.  After thirty years, Dad’s still got the hots.  I swear, he does more now than when you first said hello.  

I know you warn me to not become like you.  However, there is so much of you in me.  Looking at my reflection, it’s not hard to find the roots of the tree from which my apple fell.  A love so deep that has no boundaries; a loyalty tested true.  A song ever on my lips, and a boldness to be amused and make it known.  Imagination and creation flow through us: you with the needle and thread; I with my pen and lens.  Like mother, like daughter.  It isn’t so bad.

So, as you receive your congratulations on this day, know that I am so thankful to you, being my mother.  Furthermore, take hold of the gift you are as the woman God made you to be in all of His fullness.  There is a grace that covers you, veiling a masterpiece He is continuing to form in you. With or without me by your side, forever bound by a chord; know that you are most cherished.

Ich liebe dich, Muti  (I love you, Mom),

Laura Emily.