The Implication of God's Love

“By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us.  And we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.”                -1 John 3:16

     Believing to be unwanted has more consequences than self-loathing.  Pleading for society’s desire, never receiving just love, one either keeps begging, or musters enough pride to become self-sufficient.  As a Christian, I know I am supposed to love.  I think I do. I believed I was gracious.   However, I must also admit that I have learned to do so, conditionally, for the wounds carried taught me to be attentive to one’s affection.

     As God was showing His love to be greater than Ben Solo for Rey’s (see last blog entry), it was the 31st of December that He dropped 1 John 3:16.  More so than another emphasized statement of His love for me, it was a conviction of my failure to love as Jesus had.  You won’t lay down your life for others until you truly understand what My laying down My life fully meant.  When you truly love someone, you won’t second guess the required risks needed to lay down your life for them.  You will do so, willingly.

     Living on the Blackfeet Reservation has taught me many lessons. Having moved away from my hometown, away from the securities I held onto, as well as stepping away from things and people that caused me hurt, God has been able to work on my heart at a deeper level in the last five years than the prior 15, I had walking with Him.  I have had to come to terms with what pains I incurred, how they were caused, and define new measures for which I live from this moment forward.  

     One more layer to His chiseling through my heart - His masterpiece - is love.  After 19 years of being a Christian, I still struggled to believe that God loved me.  Wait.  Not necessarily, not loving me.  But most definitely, doubting His delighting in me.  I am quick to point out my flaws.  What gifts I do have, I hide, because I don’t know how to share them without coming across as fluttering my own feathers.  I care deeply for others, but I inwardly starve from believing that I am not anyone’s object of affection.

     But I still loved others.  I laughed to myself when I heard a pastor say. “You can’t love anyone more than you can love yourself,” because, well -women do it all the time.  (Ironically, these pastors are all men who make this statement.)  We pour out compassion on those with need.  We care for children; the most innocent and needy in society.  We are passionately protective when someone threatens our home and people.  We love beauty, and aim to display life in our communities.  I share these traits.

     Love, however, was displayed by laying down a life.  And to display love, we must also lay down our lives.  It’s one thing to give to someone in need.  It’s quite another to die for them...or to die to yourself, your needs, your expectations, your standards to display the perfect image of Jesus Christ.  That... I know I have not loved to that extent.  I have failed to love as Christ has - to my family, to the youth I minister to, to my friends.  

     I have allowed myself to drown in sorrow when my family continued to live their lives staring at screens instead of enjoying moments with one another.  I have felt the sting of unforgiveness when Christians (in my own family) keep bringing up a standard that is merely cultural, not necessarily biblical.  I have taught myself to keep my distance; it is better than being wounded, again.  Even if they do not know what they do.  Nevertheless, family wounds are old, and God has been healing my heart in this area.  I am able to show love with grace, understanding that some of my family don’t know where they have wounded, or that they have hurt anyone at all.  They are merely trying to follow personal convictions.  I am learning to ask God for wisdom to know when to say something, and what to say.

     The latter two areas where I have failed in loving as Christ does are the most imminent.  Let’s talk ministry first.  I know that I have had a genuine desire for teenagers to come to know Christ.  I genuinely have wanted them to understand that God loves them and to live life from that truth.  I have wanted to see their lives transformed.  But something happened.  In the process of trying to love and serve them, I received their abuses.  Their habits for survival and making it through, usually physically and emotionally (especially with the girls), performed acts of abuse that pushed my own boundaries.  

     I love my students, and sometimes see them as if they were my own children.  In the process of being “my kids”, I have found that they will cling to me.  My concern was (and still is) that they will depend on me more than Jesus.  So, I began to say “no” more.  Yes, to put up a standard of boundaries to assist in growing them to healthy adults, but when God revealed that my love was conditional, I had to admit that a partial motive was to protect my heart from abuse.  I even told God that.  “You didn’t put up with abuse.  (I disagree with the statement that to be used for you means I have to be abused.)”  Now, in no way, am I advocating to stay in an abusive relationship, but in ministry, you serve people who have been hurt, and sometimes, their hurts cut you as well.  But...you don’t walk away.

     Having a desire to be right - because I fight so much with perfectionism in my own self - I wonder how much I have focused on making sure my teens were doing the right thing, and only hinting at the core issues that they deal with.  Perfectionism is justified, because I aim to be holy, as the Lord is holy.  Anything less deems condemnation (towards myself).  In trying to minister, I err on the side of correction, rather than sharing the truth in love, forgetting that we all make mistakes and need grace.

     Licking my own wounds for not given affirmation, I fail to affirm others in who they are, because I have been consumed and focused on actions proving real faith.  I hesitate to pour out an overflow of love, because I don’t want to be depended on more than Jesus.  The reality is that I hate being loved for what I have or do, and I am frustrated that people treat me this way.  I was tempted to drop any emotional attachment with my youth, and that was where I was also going wrong.  God’s answer surprised me: I was abused on the cross.  What I didn’t put up with was manipulation.  The implication of this revelation is still a question.  However, this I know: to weigh every word, every action I share with the youth heavily.  I must check the motives of my heart when I am bent a certain way and ask myself, “Is this Jesus, or just the wounds of my own past trying to protect me (but will inadvertently harm someone)?”

     The last area where I have struggled to love unconditionally is in the area of friends.  It’s surprising, because it should come easy to love your friends.  But while the last five years have been unsurmountable growth and healing, it has also been joined with constant flux.  I have had such a change in close friends.  More so than when I lived in Missoula.  The first three I was with, two walked away when they were having relationship problems.  The next set of three - two left when their son was taken from them. The last person I hoped to call a best friend, here in Browning, her and her husband had stopped coming to church, at one point.  In my five years, I have had only one constant friend.  We have had each other’s backs. Not always perfect, but still there.  

     Part of the common thread is that these other friends found themselves in a place, struggling with their faith, or outright walking away from God.  Presently, all but one are strong in the Lord, again, but my heart fails to trust, still.  I was a friend to them when they needed it, but they could not carry me.  It’s a habit I’ve learned too.  If someone cannot carry me spiritually, I will eventually leave.  I won’t abandon the person; if they need a friendly ear, they can depend on calling me.  But, if they want to be invited into my heart...that’s not going to happen.

     One of these “other” friends had asked me how I was doing, last Spring.  When I told her I was struggling at work, she was silent.  Then she proceeded to tell me how she and her husband were doing.  She is getting grounded in God’s Word.  However, because she changed the subject at that moment - because she could not stand with me in my pain - I don’t trust her.  She wants to be accountability partners.  Which - in my definition - requires both parties to be willing to open up to each other.  I am okay with her confiding in me, but I do not allow myself to confide her issues that I presently go through.

     I know this brings up another question of boundaries.  I do believe that there are some friendships where you are more for the other person than they are for you.  As long as the relationship is determined, that is fine.  However, I have an expectation - based on my own desires and needs - that there should be a mutual carrying of one another.  And once again, if that has been breached, I emotionally detach myself.  This friend that wants to be accountability partners - I don’t call her.  I don’t ask her to hang out (and I have convinced myself not to, because she has a family...I know she needs time with them).  She misses being with me, but I don’t miss being with her, because I have not loved her enough.

******

    In summary:  I am a Christian, but the same hopelessness and conditional love the world has shifted and molded its way into how I walk out my life.   I have been trying to grow as a healthy individual; balanced with grace, love, and truth.  However, in establishing boundaries, I am guilty of building walls instead of gates.  Something has to change, though.  I am called to be different.  If my principal, who is traditional and doesn’t know Jesus, proves to be more gracious than me (a Christian), it’s time to check my heart.  We must love as Christ did.  To fail to do so, the grace we speak about so fervently will only be jaded by our experiences and expectations. We love as He does; and that means we become willing to lay ourselves down, even our lives.

Star Wars, Solomon, and God's Desire for Me

  It was a little time after Christmas.  I watched a leaked video of the ending of The Rise of Skywalker, and found out, bittersweet, Ben Solo’s sacrifice for Rey.  It shouldn’t have hit me so hard, but I couldn’t help that the look he gave her...THAT look - was something I wished someone would give me.  It’s nothing new to admit my desire for an intimate (and romantic) relationship, but the question I have baring in my mind is, “Am I wanted?”  The heart’s desire, accompanied with the realization that one’s alone can tempt loneliness.  In thinking of the latest Star Wars film, it’s amazing how God decides to talk to me through the means of stories.

     Do you know that I look at you [the way Ben Solo looks at Rey]?  And My sacrifice was not just for one person, but for all of humanity.  Lastly, I did not stay dead.  I raised to life again!

     What?  Wow!  What a way to see a beauty from a bittersweet moment (honestly, I’m thankful for the redemption, but still sad to know one of the characters die).  But wait...God said He looks at me the way the two protagonists looked at one another?  

     In my devotions on December 31st,  I had read John 15:13, which states, “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” Our church took part in a Prayer Walk, in partnership with other churches in our community.  As we gathered to pray, I felt the Holy Spirit drop 1 John 3:16.  Ironically, it was a verse related to my devotions.  It states, “By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us.  And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.”   I closed out 2019 with an understanding that I needed to let go of the control that I have fought so hard to keep, but as I drew near to 2020, I was seeing a new lesson reemerging.  One in realizing God’s love for humanity.  He laid down His life.  

     But He didn’t just die for humanity.  He died for me.  Me.  I’ve heard the song that I was on His mind, but was it true? I’ve heard of intimacy with God discussed at a level of a marriage, but I never went that deep.  God loves...me?  Okay.  I knew that.  But...He wants me?  That needed more faith.  Because, in most of my life, I have felt that I am unwanted.  Not good enough.  Yes, I am loved, but I had to earn it.  Most of these thoughts have been debunked, however, the “rationale” continues persistence. And yet, I wanted to know its truth.  I turned my eyes to Song of Solomon.

     I have averted reading this book, in its thorough context, because, frankly, it’s God’s chick flick.  Knowing that romantic story lines can make my mind race, it’s just better to not tempt my thoughts...even if it’s Scripture.  But I wanted to know.  What does it look like when God loves someone?  I dared myself to read the entire book, paralleling Solomon’s marriage to how God sees me. What follows is my journey into God’s word, moreover, His heart, and my responses to it. 

*****

     “Let him kiss me…(SOS 1:2)” Wait, what?  Okay.  This is is something that is just specific to Solomon.  (I should just move on.) Is there a belief in me that though I would love for someone to love me as such a level, I don’t feel like I can?  You have believed that you have to do something to be loved.  That you would have to be a certain way for a man to be attracted to you.  Do you know how much I delight in you?  You have believed that you are unwanted.

     “I am dark, but lovely… (SOS 1:5)” There was something in this woman that didn’t fit with cultural norms, and yet the king found her lovely.  I am fighting a mold I do not fit - but God, you still find me as desirable.  I am guilty of (taking care of other peoples’ vineyards, but not my own; see SOS 1:6).  I will work hard to have healing come to the hearts of the youth and my community, but fail to care for my own.  I know I can bring life and beauty to places of desolations.  And You, God, are strength and lifegiving.  You know how you want to be covered (in a romantic relationship)?  That is My shade over you.  I cover you.  I carry you.  I know your deepest desires.  Do you know how much I smile at you?  Do you know how excited I am about you?  I squeal (in delight) over you...You will not be able to love someone if you can’t see yourself as worthy of being wanted.  In your desperation, you would seek for your self-satisfaction.  Where did the wounds of not being wanted come in?  My mother (emotional detachment), my aunt (not measuring up as a “proper” lady), some friends (not included in fun things), my 7th grade basketball coach (never being played in the name of winning).  Where have you felt the most wanted?  My dad. In the same way, I am your father, but I also desire a level of intimacy with you that is like a husband and wife.  You are my beloved.  

     “The voice of my beloved!  Behold, he comes leaping upon mountains, skipping upon hills (SOS 2:8).” You leap through mountains and skip hills - for me?! Everything that I have hidden, I have put in you as a gift.  I hide myself because I don’t want to be seen as needing, attention-seeking or rejected.  You feel the need to prove yourself when you have already been accepted by Me.

     “You are all fair, my love, and there is no spot in you (SOS 4:7).” I have been broken-hearted over feeling like there is something wrong with me.  But You see no spot in me (because of Jesus).  With one look, have I really stolen Your heart (see SOS 4:9)?  That look in Star Wars 9 - the one I wish someone could give to me - YOU give to me...because You say that I, with one look I gave You, Your heart was ravished by me?!  You find it hard to believe.  You don’t just believe you're unwanted.  You believe that you are undesirable (which is why comments on femininity frustrate you.  Because you wonder if the only way someone can like you (or be worthy of affection) is to be like other women.  The longing of your heart is to be loved for you.  Because you don’t hear the affirmation or compliments you want, you believe yourself to be undesirable.  But can you rest in My love?  How is it that I have convinced myself that if a man loved me, then I would be satisfied, but I struggle in your love for me?    

     There is something in me sealed (see SOS 4:12).  But I need to give You the key to unlock it.  You call me Your perfect one (see SOS 5:2b).  Your companion and friend.  I admit that I have seen our relationship more similar to a military duty.  But You call me a friend, perfect for You.  Thank You for loving me and wanting to bring me near to Your heart.  Perfect; without spot.  That is how You see me.  You know me soul-to-soul level; naked (see SOS 5:3).  Nothing is hidden from You.  You see all of me - and yet, You see me without spot and love me.  It is your love that transforms me.  You yearn for me; may I yearn for You. Stir up a hunger in me that only You can quench.

     “My heart leaped when he spoke (SOS 5:6).” May I be as giddy when I think about You.  May I become lovesick (see SOS 5:8) for You.  It is true that I have been wounded by those who should’ve protected me, but I know that You can heal me.  Make me whole again - I give You permission.  You are my shepherd, covering, carrying, tending, and guiding me (see SOS 6:3).  I love and am willing to lay down My life.  Does the thought of me really overwhelm You? With joy.

*****

     In reading His Word, I found explicit evidence that God loves me.  More than that - He delights in me!  It still seems questionable.  Easier to note where I lack, instead of standing in the truth that God made me and likes what He sees.  There are moments of doubt tempting...especially when I feel that I am not measuring up to a standard I should meet.  Yet, God already sings over me.  I am moving into 2020 with a desire to know God more - because He already- and has always - wanted me.  There is a stronger confidence found in relying on His love for me, rather than seeking others’ approval (or settling for a man’s affection, instead of His).  That being said, knowing His love for me is just the start.  I am finding that as I trust in God’s love for me, displayed through Jesus, the implication of that love is to be shared.

     Stay tuned.

PSA: Concerning Suicide

PSA: PLEASE READ THE WHOLE THING
"Do not run after or beg for the affirmation of people who have to wait until you're dead to appreciate you."

During my devotions one morning, I came across this note I had written in my Bible some years back. Reminded of the pain that caused me to write a bold statement, I realize how easy it is to succumb to the idea that one's worth is measured by how people pay attention to someone. Perpetuated by the need for approval, we often look to those around us to give us our sense of worth and identity.

But there is a danger in this. What if no one does or says anything? Are we still of worth? Back in high school, I found myself believing I was unloved (note: I believed this thought, but it wasn't necessarily true. I just couldn't see it.). First thinking I was a burden, subsequent thoughts led to even wondering what people would say at my own funeral. Feeling unloved and wishing people would come to your funeral to pour their love for you at your death is just as suicidal a thought as having planned how you want to end your life.

However, there is a lie in all of this. Suicide is not the answer to prove people's love. And those fighting these thoughts, I do not meant to shame. I know there is a legitimate need to know that you are valued, and your worth is not dictated by what may be done or said.

Moreover, and HERE IS THE KEY - God loves you. Oh, how He loves you!! And He has already determined that you are valuable; your existence delights Him, His thoughts about you are as great as all the sands on seashores. And because He never changes, the way God thinks about you will also never change (see Psalm 17:8; Psalm 139:14-15, 17-18; Zechariah 2:8; Zephaniah 3:17; Hebrews 13:8). You do not have to beg for society's affirmations, because the God of whole creation has already wanted you, completely. No matter what, He still loves YOU (and being that He is the one who created us, it's His "opinion" of us that only matters)!

Your life does matter. There is a purpose to you being present, and the world is better with you in it.

Dear Crush

Dear Crush,

     You have been on my mind daily, for about a week.  Sure, my attraction to you has been longer, but usually, I still go on with life and, periodically, you come to mind.  When you do, I pray for you.  However, my thoughts toward you are once again moving toward that sense of longing.  Something that which should not be woken.  I know. I know. I KNOW! I should wait until God’s plan.  But life’s journey coupled with the heart’s desires can tempt God-given gifts to be open before it’s time.

     Sometimes, it is easy to wait.  I do like being single.  I like the idea that I can have all authority on my time, and be able to decide what to do and when.  I am able to serve and help when needs arise.  Personally, having a family sounds nice, but frankly, at this moment, as much as I love kids, I do like being able to send them home (that probably makes me sound a little selfish).     

     Nonetheless, I also feel a certain anxiety when alone.  It’s an ironic dichotomy.  When I’m alone, I wish I had someone to share life’s moments and dreams.  Yet, when I have visited the family I have, I wish I could find some alone time.  I’m never settled.  It’s as if I am looking for the next thing.  My independent spirit cries out, “I can do this on my own!”  But there is a quiet whisper that confesses, “I don’t want to.”  

     I think the religious tone portrays that I must first and foremost look for a common purpose when desiring for a romantic relationship.  It’s important.  If I am wanting to do mission work, but the man I’m interested in would rather hide himself away, it would not work.  (Hudson Taylor found that out with his first love interest.  Didn’t work out.)  However, there has to be more than just a similarity in goals and passions.  What if in changing seasons, purposes change?  Truth is, there is something in you, as a person, and as a son of God, that makes me take a second glance.  And though, there is a present purpose to our journeys of singleness, it is tempting to yearn for what could be.  

     We once said that we should wait on the question of getting to know one another, on account of things that you had to work through.  In the meantime, God has revealed to me that I myself have toxic tendencies.  Habits that formed in a manner to protect my heart from hurt.  If we were to begin anything, I would be apt to sink us.  But that doesn’t stop the temptations of wishing things could be sped along.  Whenever your name crosses my mind, I hope you are doing well, growing and healing.  I pray for areas that you confided in me concerning your struggles.  

     Then I wonder if you still think about me, aside from the times that I message you.  If you still think you aren’t worthy of me; if you are tempted to find someone else.  I hope I don’t make you feel like you couldn’t compare.  So many conflicting thoughts.  But I know it’s my own insecurities that stir up an anxiousness in my heart.  Honestly, there is a deep desire in my soul, and the gravest of temptations include seeking you for what only Jesus could ultimately do.

     I want to be wanted; to be an object of affection.  I don’t want to have to be the first to say something.  I don’t want to push to receive.  I want to be a joy to someone.  But I am only human.  I have my shortcomings and failings.  There are things in me that if I begged you to carry, it would be too much for you.  This is not a question of your strength; this is a reality that what I fight is something from that which only Jesus can deliver me.  

     Even in my personal relationship with Daddy God, I am finding that it is easier to study His Word to “become a better Christian” than to desire just being with Him.  My prayer time consists more of intercession than adoration.  I am a fighter before a lover.  I am driven by having a sense of purpose; a goal.  But God desires for relationship.  He desires for a level of intimacy that humans only can conjure up in imaginations.  The very things I am wanting, God is trying to tell me that I am the object of His affection; I cause Him delight and smiles. More than what any man could know my soul, God is the only able to see the unknown, and carry sufficiently.  I don’t doubt any future capability to love me, but if the longings inside me spur me to expect you to carry things that only the Cross was created to bear, I will break you, and I will wound me.  I will instill deeper roots of lies that I have believed my whole life.  Ones in which He wants to remove.

     Please don’t take this as a “no”.  As you once said, “at least, not now”.    I am finding that I want to be your biggest cheerleader, but I have to watch what I say, when I say, and how often.  You are still healing, and I cannot accidentally manipulate our friendship in such a way that you begin to solely co-depend on me instead of wholly depend on God.  Furthermore,  I have to not beg for your words as you would become an idol for which the throne should only be sat by Him who made each of us.  

     I, SO, wish for the ability to share deep thoughts, insights, and dreams.  I want to be able to fight alongside, share news of His salvation and persevere for the betterment of our neighbors.  I also long to be the cause of someone’s smile.  But most of all, I want God’s best.  And the greatest hurt is knowing that at this time, I may not be the best for you. We both need to take time to let God heal and grow us.  We must become attached to Him before we can begin taking steps toward a closer friendship. 

     I ask one thing.  Please wait. At least, for now.  

Sincerely

My Christmas Miracle

  Ten years ago, I was sitting with friends for lunch, and while we prayed, one person had a picture of my family sitting together as a family.  I had told them about my personal heartache, feeling like my family was anything but.  Emotionally distant and a broken relationship with my mother had scarred my heart.  Fast forward 10 years, and there has been some progress.  However, as of last Thanksgiving, old wounds were reopened.

     So...three weeks after was Christmas vacation.  I know what God said through Elijah’s story in 1 Kings 19:44-47.  “Go again.” Yet, I still was hesitant.  I was hopeful, still. I wanted better memories.  I wanted to enjoy my family, despite the present circumstance.  With faith, I ventured back to Missoula.

     All in all, I actually had a great time with my family.  After the tumultuous conversation with my father in November, I think he became more proactive to make sure TV wasn’t the center of the family.  He pulled out old family photos.  We found a lot of images of my grandmother (who passed away in 1998) in different hairstyles and fashions.  Grandpa led a boycott back in the ‘70s, over products whose advertisements were sensual.  Lastly, found out my aunt was a poet.  There was a saved paper, which is enlightening to something she had gone through.

     Dad brought out board games one night, too. Three rounds of Yatzee.  Danny had won all of them, but wanted to quit early.  With that statement, Dad said, “Aww...but I’m having fun.”  When Dad and I went to Spokane to visit my grandfather and cousin, we played some pool with my cousin.  Had fun at that time, too.

     Mom was still pretty introverted.  Stayed to herself and watched TV.  But I am learning to love her where she is at.  There was a moment where she let in on some of her frustrations.  Things I had guessed, but she never admitted vocally.  She is still a woman who still needs some healing. 

     So, do I keep going?  Yes.  This is my family, and though the journey has been emotionally painful, healing is eminent, because God is at work.  And He continues to be working.

A Thanksgiving Full of Hurt

     I was excited to visit.  I have learned to love my parents where they are, and to be content.  But I didn’t remain so, last weekend.  God, You know what happened.  Daily, I cried.  Witnessing the complaining my mother did about my father was just the start.  The final stab was the old wound of watching TV.  Something that is a form of entertainment; it acts as the center of my family’s life.  I am hurt because though we are relatives, there is more relating with the plot lines on screen.  I have found my parents (and even my little brother) guilty of becoming more emotionally invested with fictional characters than with those sitting right next to them.  I am trying to be forgiving, and move on.  I am trying to heal and not continue to look back.

     When I explained my hurt, admittedly, I cussed.  But I didn’t blow up, or turn into Hulk.  That’s something to be thankful for.  That being said, I look at my family and I don’t want to be like this.  I don’t want my marriage to be full of complaining about my spouse.  I don’t want to be unaware of my kids because I focus my attention on lesser things.

     It is hard to forgive when I hold an expectation for a wrong to be righted.  And the wrong I have suffered is the feeling of neglect and rejection for something fake.  I no longer believe my parents don’t love me.  I know that they do.  But, I still am looked over.  Daddy, it hurts.  Families are supposed to spend time together, right?  Talk with one another, right?  Then why doesn’t my family.  We get so caught up in our entertainment that we fail to find enjoyment in the person of those we love.  

     God forbid that Mom misses her “Days”, but thank You, Jesus that she can catch episodes on the phone.  

     Mom wants to gift me with a Rocu.  I told Dad to make sure she doesn’t.  I have enough to watch on Youtube and Facebook.  I don’t need anymore distractions.  I hate that screen.  I hate it more, because when I am home alone and yearn for interaction with people, I myself, am drawn to that same screen.  Why not read, go for a walk?  Usually I do.  But being winter, and winds threaten a blizzard, it’s safer to stay home, and I feel caged.  

     Alone.  Unable to move much, and lacking intimacy.

     Because that is what I am yearning for...Intimacy.  Purpose.  A sense of being wanted.  And every time I visit “home” (which is no longer, since I moved to the Rez), I hope that things will be different.  My expectations lends to a painful fall, as I realize the same habits that I lived with my whole life - the same dysfunction that was my normal for growing up - continue to persist.  

     There are things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.  The visit wasn’t all negative.  Meeting with a Missoula youth pastor allows my soul to breathe with all that I deal with in ministry.  Talking with someone who can see the positives of Natives helps break my fear that all whites may be racist.  However, even the blessings have been overshadowed by the hurt.

     I have been rejected once again.  My mother has no clue.  She told me that she already missed me when I was getting to go home.  (My actual home.)  How can she miss me when she hardly spent any time with me?  Sure, we watched TV together.  But what could be said in the moments where we learned more about one another’s thoughts, hopes, dreams...at the soul level?  Nevermind.  We don’t get to that level.  

     I do have a stronger relationship with my dad.  We can talk.  But Daddy, I have thoughts, hopes, concerns, ideas that are too much to bear or understand.  Even on my way to Missoula, “I am too much,” whispered into my mind.  I’m sorry.  I don’t mean to be too much.  Why wasn’t I more simpler?  Why am I so serious?  It makes me wonder if this is the reason why I have so few friends.
    Sure, I have many acquaintances.  But friends - knowing me beyond the mask I might wear on any given day - I can honestly say that I have one or two.  Am I too much for people?  Is there something odd or unusual about myself?  Why am I hardly invited?  Is there something wrong with me?  Do I drain people more than I pour out (opposed to how I personally feel (in that I feel like I pour out on others more so))?  God, I want to be carried, but I fear that no one can.  I realize that no one is You, but there are so few people that I trust to want me.  The full me.  

     So, I hold back.  Unbeknownst to myself, I have built walls, though I want to tear down bricks.  I decide to not give too much of myself, because I don’t want to have to need people, but I also put hard boundaries in which people cannot use me...or at least, I make sure to define the relationship for what it is, rather than what I wish it was.  I’ll share Christ, be Your light, be a friend.  But I won’t call them my friend.  

     There are chains tied around my heart, and they are heavy.  Their name is rejection. I thought I was over this, but I am not.  I want to be, but I don’t know how.  I know that forgiveness is key, but I need Your help.  This pain tempts me to keep my distance from this day forward.  Why willingly put myself through ongoing hurts when I know that it crushes my spirit?  It’s amazing how traveling to that city, the old fears and insecurities come to shroud my mind.  But as Elijah did in 1 Kings 19 (verses 41-44), he told his servant to “Go again,” when looking for the fulfillment of the promised Word.  Seven times that servant traveled before he saw a cloud.  And even that cloud was the size of a hand.  But that grey was enough to stir enough hope that You are indeed faithful.  You tell me to go again.  I will.  My emotions are still bare, but I want to walk in forgiveness, and right now, that looks like continuing to say “hello”.  But if nothing changes, can I be content?  At this point, I still feel the arrows. 

I Am, Because They Were Part 3 - In Reflection, My Responsibility to Move Forward

Now comes the point of my own story.  Much of my blogs discuss my past, understanding how I came to Christ, and the things I have struggled with or am growing within.  For a little synopsis:  When I was little, I had a normal upbringing.  Dad had quit drinking when I was six years old, and Mom was doting and loving, at that time.  Jesus had already been introduced by then, and at the age of 10, I accepted Christ as my personal Savior.  Three years later, being that I was surrounded by Christian influences (from home, school and church), I started asking questions of whether or not, Jesus was real.  When I returned to a public school, saw and heard things that schoolmates were doing, I realized that it was going down a path my father warned, so I decided to devote myself to Christ, and turn the other direction.

     The crux of my testimony, ironically, has occurred after I said the “Sinner’s Prayer.”  As has been discussed in other blog entries, something switched in high school, where the dynamics of the relationship with my mother changed drastically.  Corrected every day for every little thing left me feeling wanting.  No matter what I tried, I wasn’t good enough.  Not a good enough daughter or sister.  I hated any form of weakness known.  I felt like a hypocrite, because I wanted to go after God, but dredded coming home.  The self-loathing carried into other areas of my life, as in how well I did in school, how I believed myself to be beautiful and my worth as a woman.  It has only been recently (within the last five years), that I have learned to walk away from the self-hatred, and move on from what I initially believed, and into believing what God has spoken.

     My testimony is not typical.  I do not have the before Christ side vs. after.  In fact, my life before Christ was pretty normal, and the fight started after I made the decision to accept Jesus.  Nearly 30 years old, I have realized that in listening to my father’s testimony, I avoided much of the pain that he incurred from his own life’s decisions. I am the way I am, because he took time to share his story with me.

     On the other hand, admittedly, I also have endured many of the same struggles my mother fought, though it manifested differently.  The self-doubt, self-hatred and the constant attempting to earn my worth in the eyes of those around me is a consistent temptation that pervades my mind.  There was a moment I had tried to talk to my mother about my mental battles; I recognized that she and I were similar.  However, she made a joke that mocked my hurt.  Reflecting, I presume that she was just trying to tell me to get over it, and not let it bother me...I didn’t take it that way.  I learned to silence my hurts, rather than risk further injury.  I am more like my mother than I sometimes care to wish.

     But what can I do?  I am the way I am, because she did not overcome her own battles.

     But at some point...my being is not just what I was or where I came from; rather, it is where I decide I want to be and go.  As for me, I want to glorify God and serve Him, whole-heartedly.  I could continue on as was, as is, or I can make a decision to change where things need to be changed.  To grow where I must grow.  To cut off toxic beliefs that I might renew my mind.  Yes, I am because my parents were.  However, I am because God is.

     God is a father, ever mindful and caring about my every need.  God is a creator, having a hand in making things into being, and putting His stamp of worth on their existence.  God is my Savior, paving the path for which my righteousness can be justified.  God is my comforter, empathetic and present in the midst of my pain.  God is truth: what He says will come to pass.  God is Lord: He is sovereign and holds everything in His hands.  Everything is subject to His authority.

      The question is - to which will I gravitate?  I can define myself by my past, or what God has spoken.  As I draw this trilogy to a close, this is the last point I want to make.  The role of parents is vital in introducing and discipling children to have a relationship with Jesus.  However, whether you had a rough story or a “mediocre” testimony, the final decision ultimately lies with the individual.  We cannot continue to blame our parents for the struggles we have endured.  We stay stuck.  At some point, one must analyze their present situation, identify the causes, evaluate the lies believed, learn the truth that corrects the toxic ideology, and renew the mind to something healthy.  In this case, one’s decision to follow Christ.

     In the community I live in, I have seen teenagers make the statement that they want to go after Jesus.  However, because of outside influences - family or friend - they sooner or later fall to the way-side.  God is presently teaching me about growth and grace, however, I think there is a component where one has to find the responsibility of their life is in their own hands, and not just what was done to you.  I am not saying the road will be easy.  Nevertheless, if one can note the dysfunction, I believe that is the first step in changing things for the future, more importantly, the decision to follow Christ.  Yes, there are generational curses.  There are generational blessings, as well.  

     Our stories are only analog; they are not the thing which defines us.  God defines us.  The sooner we realize this, the sooner we can stand firm and walk out our faith with a steadiness that won’t be shaken to the ground.  This doesn’t mean that battles won’t ensue.  Temptations and trials will surely come.  However, we have a choice in how we will respond.  Whether we grew up with healthy parents or not will determine the natural coping mechanisms.  Whether or not our parents told their stories can determine the battles we face.  Nonetheless, the responsibility to decide whether or not to follow Jesus, is ultimately up to us.  

     If this is read by any parents, some of you may be discouraged that you had a rough past and wonder how you could be an example of godliness.  Some of you may have a wonderful story.  Truth is, both have their place.  One shows Christ’s redemption at work; the other shows that it is possible to walk with Christ steadfastly.  When you tell your testimony, be sure to be 100% honest.  Refrain from trying to sugar coat, out of fear that you may shock or scare your child.  (Trust me, they probably have encountered things on TV quite synonymous with your story.)  Refrain from trying to beef up your story to prove God’s redemptive work.  (After all, if we see sin - no matter what form it took - as it really is, then God’s redemptive work is just as viable.)  Take time to share your story, please.  You never know what may influence your child to run after God.  Furthermore, if they deal with the same problems that you have, they will feel more free to ask you for help, if your issues are not hidden.

     Some of you may believe that you missed your chance.  Your child is grown and completely rebellious.  They are out of the house by now, and trying to talk with them on matters of faith is limited.  Yes, it is true.  There was an opportunity missed.  However, God knows how to make things right.  And His Holy Spirit reaches further than what any hand or mouth can go.  When circumstance or hope seems lost, remember that prayer is not outdone by time.  Keep praying for your child.  If there is a moment where you can share, do so.  Let His work in you be so blatant, that the evidence will spur on an audience.  Be the example of God’s love to them until Love brings them home. 

     The truth is, we all have a story.  The question we must ask ourselves is will we let God’s glory be revealed?  Listen to the stories of our parents and elders.  Find out how you came to be.  When you connect the cause to the effect, you have arrived at a fork.  A decision - now you must decide how you will go on forward.  Will Jesus be your aim?  In reflecting on the past, it is your responsibility to continue onward, and in the manner you walk.