I don't know what it is about growing up in the church. I have friends who gave their lives to Jesus in their adulthood and the freedom of grace is a reality. However, for myself, though I have been in the church for 25 years, and saved for 18, I matured in my faith with a lack of grace. Which would be comical, if it wasn’t for the detriment of what that really means. To forget living by grace is to live by works. To live by works is to live by the law. And it is through the law that sin brings death. Maybe it is just me. Maybe, this is an isolated event. Disclaimer: the experiences I will detail, I did not confer with other Christians who have grown up in the church. So, perhaps my concerns are singular in nature. However, this blog is about my honest questions to God. And one of the things I need to face is that although I say I am saved by grace and live by faith, the outcome of this faith has been motivated by so much more than what Jesus has done for me. Everything stated in church supported the notion that we can only be saved by grace. I grew up with an exciting energy during worship, because the congregation was assured of the love of God and the salvation obtained through Jesus, alone. But when I grew up knowing Jesus, part of the sanctification understanding turned into a perpetual pressure to do better. No one said anything, directly. However, the message was delivered, clearly. I hate the idea that I may have to blame the fact that I am a product of society. I was not only a child of the church, but a child of the Western American culture. I have come to an understanding that some of the things I grew up with, culturally speaking, may have misrepresented Christ in my own life. This isn’t to say that everything in the Western culture is of demonic origins. Nevertheless, some of the values, taken at their extreme, and cherished among Christians may have led me to a belief that Jesus’ work on the cross wasn’t enough. Besides learning about Jesus, I had learned an expectation of perfectionism. “Don’t try; do.” If I made a mistake, even numerous times, I was to be ashamed, because if I knew better, I should do better. An apology given for the same offense…an offense that was committed multiple times, was no longer valid. "Sorry doesn't cut it." Perhaps it was unintentional, but I became convinced that I was never really forgiven, unless I never sinned again. I had to prove that I was sorry. In the Western culture, there are genuine nuggets of wisdom. There is an emphasis on personal responsibility. We learn that we don’t just give enough to pass the grade, but to give all of our effort. Blessed to be a blessing, we give generously. When we do something wrong, we must make a change. We determine actions to hint at the status of one’s heart. We stand strong and independent. I wonder if that last American value is the Achilles heel in our culture, and it is the poison that seeps into even some of the godliest of church bodies. Sure, we should be aware of when sinning, not to just act like nothing happened. A true change is required. But any child can reiterate the human flaw that most of us don’t learn our lessons the first time around. So, what happens when we fall? And fall again? And again? Are we beyond forgiveness? Is repentance fruitless? I do not mean to insinuate the need to apologize or make amends is pointless. Even Paul stated that we were not saved just to go on sinning (Romans 6:1). James emphasized that faith without works was dead (James 2: 14-24). Our works are evidence of the faith we lay claim to. Nevertheless, I have grown up feeling an immense pressure to follow rules, and when I broke them, I was beyond reconciliation. I learned to hide things. Still do, at some level. Because, when I am convicted of a sin in my life, the lessons of my childhood begin to echo. “You know better, Laura. How could you be guilty of this? You are not as strong of a Christian…maybe you really aren’t a Christian. If you were a true Christian, this wouldn’t be an issue in your life.” The American church can preach grace all we want, but until we are willing to sit in the messes of each individual, to forgive numerous times - even for the same sin; until we echo that no one is saved, nor sustained in their salvation by their own works, we will subtly let our culture influence that grace will never be enough. The old covenant of keeping laws will persist in the New Testament church. There no longer is a treasure in the value of being independent. It has only taught me that I have to carry things myself. But, I have found that things in life are hard. I have found that I screw up over and over. I have found that I become more depressed when I don’t have friends who can encourage me and hold me accountable. I have become afraid. I have become convinced that I must live to please God with every action I make, and failure to do so is a degradation of my salvation status. I have lived SO long with a desire to want to do God’s will, but convicted of my imperfection, only discouraged that I could never do well. If God changed my heart, then why is my heart still so full of things not of Him? Was it just an impulse on praying the sinner’s prayer? Was it just an emotional high at camp? Did I just go after Jesus to protect myself from getting into trouble? Was this Christian faith just an act? And by the end of my questions, I pray an intense prayer to do better. Not just a prayer. A promise. Unfortunately, I found myself breaking that promise. And the cycle of hiding, self-loathing, desire for perfection and the promise of doing better is recycled. And repeated. I feared so much judgment; and ironically, in my lack of understanding for grace, I failed to be gracious. I demanded works, because I was convinced of works. In much of our Western ideology, we determine behavior to be an indicator for the motive of the heart. And yet, sometimes, that is not the case. God looks at the heart (and in the Jewish culture, they look at the original sin as a breakage in connection with God, not merely a breaking of rules), but because I feared my heart to be too blemished, I couldn’t trust that Jesus was enough. All because a childhood lesson told me that I had to prove my faith. And this all continues until I learn to come back to the original sentiment that never could I do it in my own strength. Paul addressed the Galatians on this matter of being saved by grace, but sustained by good works. “O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you that you should not obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ was clearly portrayed among you as crucified? This only I want to learn from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of law, or by the hearing of faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun in the Spirit, are you now being made perfect in the flesh (Galatians 3:1-2)?” I need to get back to the place that who I am is because of Jesus and His work in me. He loved me while I was a sinner (Romans 5:5-6), and did not wait for me to be cleaned up to get saved. Logic also explains that if I couldn’t reach Heaven on my own, then why the heck could I believe that I would stay in Heaven on my own initiative? My righteousness cannot, nor will it ever, come from me (see Philippians 3:9). When I have failed, I MUST remind myself of these truths. Lack of doing so will result in going back into the old ways of living; according to works. This does not mean that works is meaningless. People know we are Christians by our fruit. But the works that are evidence of a living faith are motivated from a place of worship to God, not a submission to prove myself worthy in Heaven. The change seen is a result of repentance (turning our hearts to Jesus), a motivation of submission in the heart and lastly, an action of obedience. This order is crucial, because if we try doing things for Christ without being in Christ, what goodness afforded is by our own glory and ultimately, still never true righteousness according to God’s standard. It is an extremely heavy weight to believe that the status of my eternity is dependent on my goodness. As much as I try, it really is never enough. I am in my 30s, and I can tell you that if it isn’t my actions, the hidden thoughts and motives of my heart prove the fallacy of my perfection. However, my righteousness depends on the One who is already righteous, and He has given me His word that He will walk me through. He is always active in my life. He leads; I follow. There is a scene in The Chosen, Episode 6. A disciple went back to old habits. When found by two others, they say, “I have faith in Jesus. I just don’t have faith in myself.” The statement is made from a place of discouragement. One morning, I thought about this scene. It is a discouraging statement, only as long as one determines that they themselves must sustain their faith. The amazing truth is that God doesn’t leave us alone. The Holy Spirit is with us and is at work in our lives constantly. He is the One who makes us into His image. And who better, but the One in whom we are being made the likeness of? It’s time for me to get back to the new covenant. I was saved by grace and will be sustained by grace’s work in my life. If and when I fall, I am assured that God still loves me, and all that I have to do is come back to my Daddy, and He freely forgives me. As I walk in amends of my sins, it is only by His strength. This is a simple truth hard to believe in a culture of independence. But, I am choosing Christ over culture. And in that, my freedom on earth will persevere.
Friday, December 17, 2021
Thursday, December 16, 2021
Lonely Thoughts and Tears Caused By Mirrors
Please do not tell her,
"Oh, you are so skinny!"
As if to say,
"You are so beautiful!"
For what happens if one day
She no longer is
Thin?
Please don't tell her
She has nothing to worry about,
Because she eats right and works out.
For what if one day
Her figure pluses in size?
I know you mean well.
But don't you realize that these compliments
Fall
On
This girl
Like some kind of definition?
A standard
She struggles to uphold.
This girl knows she won't get the gold.
She turns on the TV and angels with wings
Lay the foundation of what is called "stunning".
Every other ad shows women with small, tight abs
And gives tips on how to lose every inch of fat.
This girl knows she ain't that.
But that doesn't erase the lonely thoughts...
She is slim, trim...now...sure.
But what about tomorrow?
Today, the girl decided to eat a Big Mac with fries and everything that comes with it,
Because she like the taste of the food.
But by nightfall, she is crying in the shower.
Lonely tears stream down her cheeks.
"If I was beautiful then," she thinks,
"I won't be tomorrow."
The amount of food she consumed repulses her.
She vows to stop eating;
Regurgitate this 'glutinous sin'...
The thought is temptin'...even for only a second:
Maybe if she puts her body through hell,
Maybe she can be seen worthy of heaven.
She is mindful of the flab -
No matter how small it is, how biologically necessary it is -
The fact is, she still sees it.
Despises it.
Disgust rises in her.
She grabs the skin with fingers
Meant to dig away the 'abhorring matter'.
She makes a fist and pounds at her waistline,
Wishing it was...if only it could be...
Minimized in the next moment.
She quietly utters her plea:
"Mommy! Help me please!"
She knows woman to woman
The struggled with the same battles.
They fought the same hurts.
But her momma is still
Haunted by the demons found in mirrors.
Everything becomes comparable.
Because the girl is closer to the model of perfection,
Her concern is bearable.
So, the girl hesitates.
She silences her tears;
Retreats into her lonely thoughts.
How is that generations upon generations
Of women are so forlorn with their tears
Yet are in a company of desperate hurt?
How is that daughters, sisters, mothers
Are so distant in their talk
But are so empathetic in their thoughts?
Mirrors shroud and surround.
Standards are pressed; words expressed
Forcing the genuine beauty
To be forgotten.
Making it to be a foreign memory, a dream;
Unreachable. Unattainable.
What happened to the time
Where a woman's splendor was found
In the admiration of her character
Rather than in the structure of her anatomy?
What happened to the era of Marilyn Monroe
Where women were seen as the hottest thing on the block -
Because of their smile, voice, integrity and kindness
And not because they lacked a waistline?
Doors must be opened;
Tears cannot be hidden.
Girls, we cannot convince ourselves
That silence will protect a peaceful pacifism.
We need to confess our sorrows.
However, the pain cannot be possessed.
There will be a morning full of healing.
We shall stand confident,
Direct - Our smiles reflecting
That the scars no longer wound us.
Knowing
We have finally remembered
The fabulous women we are.
Little girls:
Stare into the mirror
That has caused so many lonely tears and thoughts.
Dare the piece of glass to recall
The innocent days when you looked into your face
And knew without being taught
That you had been graciously and wonderfully shaped.
Little girls:
You are stunning, truly beautiful -
Beyond all compare and comment,
Above all reproach.
Magnificent. You are
Adorned with a joyous, entrancing life
Carrying an elegant delight wherever you step.
You are captivating; ravishing.
You are an immeasurable treasure
That was brilliantly formed.
You are whole just as you are.
(Written in 2013)
What Does it Mean to Worship
The drum beats, claps, thunks and bangs.
The bass hits the low notes
And the electric guitar fingers a sweet slide.
The piano and keys harmonize
Eloquently and fearlessly.
This has got to be good worship.
The congregation starts to sing the words on the wall.
We do the two-step sway and get 'into it'.
At the right time, I let air flow under my feet.
I stretch my arms in surrender on the right beat.
The worship leader's neck is flexed as she pours out
Her vulnerable soul before You.
This must be great worship.
The lyrics are penetrating if attention is paid.
They speak things proclaimed in Your Word.
If spoken by the pastor, someone would shout, "Amen!"
A man next to me breaks down; he can barely stand.
Maybe tears can roll down my cheek...
This is amazing worship.
Pause.
Mute the melodies;
Shut down the sound board
For a moment please.
What does it mean to worship You?
To glorify Your name and praise You
Independent of my heart's ability to sing?
What does it mean to fall to my knees,
Because I am unworthy to look upon Your face
And yet...You still welcome me?
What does it mean to sit before You
And fully realize that I am in the presence of the Almighty God?
I am completely welcomed, but so out of place.
Miracle of lavishly, unwithheld grace:
What does it mean
When I jump, dance and shout -
There is an immeasurable and uncontrollable joy inside of me?
What does it mean to mean the words?
Throw out the dictionary of religious language.
When I intertwine my fingers and utter petitions
There is more than walls that listen.
Something yanks on my heart and aches until I mind.
Simple words are all that is said; sometimes only a groan.
What does it mean to worship You?
Darken the stage. Hide behind the closet.
Away from looking eyes - only room for the intimate.
No more drumbeats or cymbals. No more strings.
Where no one can see and no one can peer
Except for You.
Perhaps worship is more invisible.
Not only in the melodic notes, but found in silence.
Not only in spoken prayers, but found in listening.
Not only in the excitement of revelation and grace,
But found in the desire to sit at Your feet.
Perhaps worship is more tangible when we
Forsake our natural senses
To come before You.
(Written in 2013)
Tuesday, November 30, 2021
Debate of Grace's Extent
We are saved by grace through Jesus Christ. Every Christian knows this, but ironically, the more one studies the Bible more, theology becomes grittier and more complex. One such question is the extent of grace. Is someone “once saved, always saved” or is it possible to lose one’s salvation? Of the two churches I grew up in, I have been surrounded by both perspectives. In writing this blog, I must disclaim that I am no theologian, aside from the fact that I daily read my Word. I am not basing my conclusions on any commentaries. I write this blog to propose the question, suggest inquiries, studying Scriptures and have my own conclusion. A bit of a spoiler: I still haven’t taken a firm stance on either side. The questions came as I realized that I was going through ministry in the motions, but not carrying the heart. I began to not only question the sincerity of my position in church, but also my salvation status. Was I just another person who is involved in church activities, but when I get before the Throne, God will have to tell me He never knew me. I couldn’t even be convinced of the motives of my heart! Furthermore, I have had Christian friends who once swore allegiance to Jesus, but either their lives have walked away from Christianity or they have completely denounced their faith (of the past). So, are they still saved? Were they saved at all? How long does it take to actually lose salvation, if that is possible? On what basis does our experience of Christ transform into salvation of the soul? Can someone who lives a completely sinful lifestyle die and will be welcomed into the Kingdom, because they prayed “the sinner’s prayer”? All of a sudden, salvation isn’t so simple. It’s not the question of gaining salvation that throws the curve ball. It’s the matter of keeping it. And, in my humanity, I am terrified that I cannot keep my own salvation. I talked a little with my aunt and uncle, separately. Ironically, they sit on opposite sides of the spectrum. Actually, my uncle says one can lose their salvation, but concerning a grandson making bad decisions he states that God would have him die before losing his salvation (so, my question then is - do you ACTUALLY believe one can lose their salvation? If God is sovereign to have someone die on their last day of faith, wouldn’t that be for everyone? Or is my uncle trying to be optimistic about family?? Side thoughts). My aunt believes no one who is saved can lose it. Even if they fall into a homosexuality, they would still be saved. “One cannot be unborn,” she stated. Amazingly, while all these questions were running in my head, Scriptures started popping up in my devotions concerning this very topic. I itemized them here into the following: “Once Saved Always Saved”, “Can Lose It”, and “Discrepancy”. The discrepancy is key, as - honestly, I wonder if it’s how it’s read lends to which side we stand on. (All Scriptures quoted in the AMP translation.)
My mind can start swirling...FAST! Are there times when I was just acting as a Christian, but really wasn’t? If I’m a Christian, does that mean I am unable to fall into sin and still stay saved? And yet, Paul admitted that he had sinned post-Jesus, but of course, he died in redemption (see Romans 7: 14-25). So, where does salvation stand? To what length is the question. I still lean toward the possibility of losing salvation.
The premise I do so, is because I have witnessed in my life Christians who have decided to walk away from Jesus. However, my stance on their present saved status has changed. Maybe they haven’t lost their salvation, but they are walking away from it. The longer they do, the easier it is for their heart to be hardened. I don’t believe that God revokes His gifts, but we can leave it. But God is long-suffering and doesn’t let us off that fast. After all, God doesn’t want any to perish (see 2 Peter 3:9). It takes a LONG time of chasing, and a LONG time of refusal before our hearts can be hardened to the Holy Spirit.
There are two absolutions I came up with. First, I can’t lose my salvation as soon as I thought before. Secondly, it is not my job to keep everyone’s count where their salvation is. My job is to pray that a person who is not walking with Christ would do so, and soon. Nevertheless, I don’t believe that is the end of the conversation. So much of this talk of salvation’s extent still leaves much out of the discussion. Frankly, it loses sight of the purpose of salvation, and the key to one’s salvation.
We receive salvation, because of repentance. The word repentance literally means “to turn around”. It describes the process by which we turn to Jesus. He already did the work (let THAT sink in). We just have to turn to Him. We are still human and are prone to temptations and sin. Having the Holy Spirit does not make us immune to falling. However, what keeps our hearts from hardening is the act of repentance. And as many times it requires to repent, God is willing to forgive, because we have an Advocate (see 1 John 1:9).
Furthermore, the premise of “how far can I go” misses the point of redemption. Sin is not about breaking the rules. It is about becoming disconnected from God. We needed salvation - not because we got caught doing bad things, but because in our sin, we broke our relationship with a holy God. It is not God’s heart for man to be “merely saved”. It is His heart for us to know Him profoundly! We are asking the wrong question. Truly, if the goal is to know God, would we wonder how far I can go before He no longer would take us back? Or if we understood that His heart was for reconciliation, then we would understand that He will do WHATEVER IT TAKES - even forgiving smacks to the face and accusations to bring us to Him.
Perhaps, we should stop asking “how much sin can I do before I’m no longer forgiven?” Honestly, that shows me the person probably is not saved or doesn’t understand salvation. It isn’t about not getting burned when we die. Salvation is about making God Lord of our lives (see Romans 10:10). The Bible doesn’t mention a special prayer to get saved; it discusses the status of a heart. Do we really want Jesus in our lives? I feel a burden that in this American society, we have been led to believe a simple prayer but no mind to the God it addresses is enough to be saved. But, salvation is about reconnection with our Creator and the One who wants to adopt us. If we saw His heart for us, would we worry about the extent of His grace, or would we become more concerned about how we can be more connected?
Thursday, November 18, 2021
Daddy, Where Are You?
Dear Daddy,
Growing up, I never thought I had a problem with you. You were around and I was the reason for your smile. But as I have grown into a woman, I have looked back on my life and seen an inconsistency. I have been insecure. I was unsure. I shared thoughts in my mind and it was too much. I have seen brothers make mistakes and lose their favor; could I be in the same boat? If not, why not? Though you were around, growing up, I still felt alone. And I felt like I had to carry the worries of this world on my shoulders. Where were you?I know that you met Jesus later in life. I know a shift in your marriage and parenting came. But as I matured, I was the one who pursued Christ more than you. I went into my Word, and asked for accountability. I wanted to go deeper, but you stayed in the shallow end. You were proud of me in every area of my life. Present for the milestones in life. Like two peas in a pod, we were. But when God was brought up, you were found amiss. Confused. When dysfunction entered the home, I found myself holding the reins. Instead of me finding shelter in your wisdom, you would ask me what was to be done. Emotionally present, but spiritually absent. I was not meant to carry the household. Nevertheless, I found that I have taught myself to never be in want. Although, I admit I am in need.
As the years progressed, you grew in your faith. You are one to speak of Jesus often. I can tell you are near to Him and His heart. But you are hidden in the back room. Fully aware of the world’s plights, but are you ignorant of what goes on your home? Your tears cry for the destruction of the earth, but what is its worth when you are absent from the hearts of your children? Are you - and forgive me if I pre-judge, more concerned with ministry that you fail to realize that your family is priority? Now you are spiritually present, but emotionally and physically absent. As you are silent, I step up and help the mother rear her children. The children whom you are accountable for.
I always wondered why I found security in being alone. Simultaneously, fretting all the while that I was disconnected. But I have learned that I must care for my own soul. Mothers taught me rejection; but fathers taught me abandonment. I have to speak, because the fathers fail to step up. I cannot admit need, because I have households that I must care for. I know I want to be loved by a man, as I should be, but how can I if I don’t ever trust him. More importantly, I know I have come to believe that God may love me, but He “must” be distant. I have to beg for your presence, but I’m hesitant to interrupt the importance of the screens placed before your eyes.
I need you near. I need you to carry. I need you to be present in all respects. So, will you come?
Mommy, Will You Let Me In?
Dear Mommy,
I know there was a time I was considered the apple of your eye. But 20 years of words have perpetuated this hurt that seems to bleed from the ground. I know I have forgiven you. I know that you may carry wounds from others. I know I am learning to take God’s words as gospel more than any other. However, the reality is for every disagreement, critique, or abrupt comment, it only forms a dagger into the scars that were supposed to be healed by now.There is a wall between us. Whether it is formed, because of fear, or because there is an affront, the situation differs in motive. But how do I lean in when I believe that my worth to you is for what I can do? Is my future blessed only for what I can accomplish according to the will you have for my life? Am I enough as I am? Why do I feel like I have to beg to be your delight? And only find favor when I have shared a helping hand?
Would you love me even then? Even when I make a mistake? Even when I disagree? Even when I choose a different calling than so many of my family? Will you want my presence for more than sitting on the couch made for comfort? A comfort that may bring solace to the mind, but fails to bring true peace.
I wanted you to be in my life. I wanted to know that I am worth something...but I want to be worth more than just something. I wish I was loved...unconditionally. But will you love me beyond my accomplishments, and in the midst of my failings? Why when I linger you are content with my silence, but if I am gone, then I am missed? Mommy, will you let me in? What is my worth?
Thursday, November 4, 2021
How to Love the Black Sheep
I have a cousin who has screwed-up big time, according to his relationships with our family members. Making choices that are not wise, nor healthy, as well as detrimental, the closeness he once had no longer exists. At least, for the moment. I mention that, because as much as my cousin is running away from God and all that He may have for him, we pray that he will return. But that return may be hard. To say he screwed-up is only slightly an understatement. I have since learned to tread lightly and make a point to not get into detailed conversations with my uncle on the subject of my cousin. Frankly, my uncle (my cousin’s grandfather) has admitted that there is a wall. “But the doorknob is on his side.” My uncle implores that he loves his grandson, but that he is a disappointment. The wall can only be taken down by my cousin, and to set anything up, my cousin needs to set up the details. My cousin is no longer welcome at the house, and no longer can ask for monetary support. I know that my uncle loves the Lord, but the tone for which is used hinted at a sense of unforgiveness. Was I just assuming? Or was there a reason for such an extreme case of excommunication? The worst that my cousin ever did to me was not talking with me for four years. Actually, it was a miracle that I got to see him in August of this year, because I don’t think he would have contacted me, otherwise. However, his offenses toward other family members are more substantial. He has stolen. Lied. Been verbally abusive. Not just with my aunt and uncle, but also with my cousin’s mother and sister, as well. There is much strain. And though sometimes I have questions (or news), I wonder if I should say anything at all. I risk bringing anger forth. My uncle last month noticed how uncomfortable I was about how he talked about my cousin. (After all, he called him “a disappointment”. A noun. There’s the danger of an identity. He refuses to welcome my cousin or shake his hand at church.) In response, my uncle stated, “Shouldn’t I protect my family? I hope when you are married, that your husband does the same thing for you.” I was at a standstill. I know that there must be boundaries when it comes to people with unhealthy behaviors. However, to what extent do our boundaries just become armor for our unforgiveness? In my own journey toward forgiveness, I found that distance was a huge indicator of unforgiveness. And yet, I was not hurt by my cousin as my uncle had been. But I couldn’t understand the hint of hostility (??) that I seemed to rise when my cousin came into the conversation. Immediately, I was reminded of 1 Corinthians 5. After talking with a mama from church for counsel, I studied the chapter. Paul found himself needing to address the Corinthian church in the context of people in the church who habitually sinned. Key verses that stood out to me were 1 Corinthians 5:5-7,11. The text is as follows:
“You are to hand over this man to Satan for the destruction of his body, so that his spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus. Your boasting [over the supposed spirituality of your church] is not good [indeed, it is vulgar and inappropriate]. Do you not know that [just] a little leaven ferments the whole batch [of dough, just as sin corrupts a person or an entire church]? Clean out the whole leaven so that you may be a new batch, just as you are, still unleavened. For Christ our Passover Lamb has been sacrificed...But actually, I have written to you not to associate with any so-called [Christian] brother if he is sexually immoral or greedy, or is an idolator [devoted to anything that takes the place of God], or is a reviler [who insults or slanders or otherwise verbally abuses others], or is a drunkard or a swindler - you must not so much as eat with another person (AMP translation).”
According to this reference, my cousin is guilty of them all. He has slept around, gotten drunk, swindled, verbally abusive, and therefore, also an idolator. Much of the confusion that surrounds him is that back in high school, he had an “experience” of meeting Jesus. He prayed the prayer; got saved, baptized. He went to YWAM. So, at what point did he turn from God? (Or the thought that runs in my head - was he ever a son of God to begin with?) Furthermore, being a grace-filled Body of Christ, aren’t we supposed to show compassion to my cousin - that in the efforts of showing goodness, my cousin would come to repentance?
Nevertheless, through my study and communication with God, some things came to light. My cousin has interacted with family members as an addict, not as himself. Because of the abuse he has committed, they no longer can trust that my cousin is only the family member. He has to prove himself trustworthy before being asked back into a place of hospitality. My confliction of emotion is apparent that I have never been personally hurt by my cousin. The hurt that my uncle feels is real, but I don’t share it, because I don’t share the experience.
The form of excommunication seems foreign to me, although it is a New Testament concept (there were forms of it in the Old Testament, as well). Frankly, it is because I have never seen anyone do it, nor a church. Most of the time, if someone is convicted of their sin, but becomes offensive, they do not have to wait to be kicked out. They leave on their own. However, there may be times when someone is boasting of their life and yet will need conviction. I think this occurs on levels. First, someone has their sin addressed. Secondly, they may be removed from their position of leadership. If there are areas of further injury or negative impact can be incurred, then removal of the person altogether may be required.
While questioning the validity of excommunication...or rather, it was understanding excommunication in the context of my cousin, I tried to figure out where I should find myself in this. Additionally, I found myself judging some of the members of my family who were doing the excommunicating. If you had held boundaries and not given monetary support or a bed to someone whom you know is an addict, you wouldn’t have been burned. And if you weren’t burned, you could love [my cousin] from a distance, and not be hurt. I love my cousin very much. We grew up together, but anyone who is related to an addict knows how dangerous it is to rescue them when they like the hell they are in. I am not angry. I’m not bitter. For the betterment of the person, I will let Satan have at them so that they may repent sooner.
But that isn’t what some of my family members did. They poured out assistance. They opened their homes. Gave cash. Maybe it’s because they didn’t realize that my cousin is an addict. Or maybe they hoped their kindness would inspire my cousin to change. That is possible - and that is what was the key to helping me to stop judging. (Moreover, judging doesn’t change the past and it certainly doesn’t bring a solution for which my cousin can truly benefit.) I can make appropriate boundaries, because I see plainly the state of my cousin. This may be another attribute to the different perspective and approach to my cousin.
Where does this leave me? How shall I love this black sheep cousin of mine? First - realize that he needs Jesus more than anything. I cannot be his savior. Secondly, I do not need to have protective walls, as I have not had boundaries pushed. It is okay for me to be more open but going into point three - I need to be fully aware of the situation and have boundaries. For me, that means no bed and no cash for him. Fourthly, be open with my cousin. Just because he’s not in a good place doesn’t mean I have to hide my faith from him. Fifth, pray for everyone in this family situation. We all have a heart for my cousin to return. We’re all trying to figure out how to do it best.
Love is compassionate, but sometimes the most compassionate thing to do is to let someone feel the deepest depravity of their sin, so that they will no longer want it. My grandfather’s generation called it “tough love”. It is not heartless. The sight is for long-term thriving rather than short-term pleasure. I pray that my cousin may come to the Lord and change his life, sooner than later.