"Harmless" Daydreaming

I bet you wouldn’t guess that I could be guilty of this sin.  I grew up in the church. I’m pretty clean-cut.  Would you believe that I have broken the seventh commandment?  It says, “Do not commit adultery (see Exodus 20:14).”  I’m a clean-cut Christian.  So, I’m good...Right? But Jesus said, “You have heard it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who [so much as] looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Matthew 5:27-28).” Wait.  So adultery encompasses more than having sex outside of marriage?  Maybe I’m not as pure as I thought when I attended college. My journey into the interest of a romance took a belated approach.  Boys as a desire didn’t get introduced until I was 15 (any desire for a boy was to beat him at a sport, until then).  And when I had my first major crush at 16 years old, I freaked out, because I was of the opinion that if I wasn’t old enough to marry, why date?  I told God to take away the desire.  Fast forward 15 years, and I am still single.  Not even one date.  It is easy to be sexually pure if I haven’t been in a relationship. However, the truth is, there is a desire for romance.  Has been so since I moved away from my parents the first time.  It still persists.  It becomes more pronounced the more lonely I’m feeling.  However, what I must come to terms with, as a Christian, is why am I okay with the areas or in the manner in which I blur the lines of sin?  I don’t have sex.  And I know that once I’m in a relationship, I will want boundaries. After God revealed to me in the most practical way what masturbation was, there was an immediate stop.  I want to glorify God in this desire.  At least, I think so.  I say I do.  But I am coming to realize there is so much of me that I want to esteem, that I have cleverly found ways in which I can “honor” God, and still allow myself to relish in the hopes for the romantic. I daydream.  Primarily when I’m going to bed or waking up.  It doesn’t happen all the time, but if a related topic, movie scene or short clip has come up, my mind starts running.  I begin to imagine a storyline - I’m the main female protagonist.  Of course.  The ways in which the story lines vary; most often a readaptation of other romantic stories I have encountered.  They are clean.  Of course.  And by clean, I mean that I make sure there aren’t any sex scenes (I know not to envision myself having sex with someone that isn’t my husband).  The couple at most is just laying next to each other.  Okay.  Honesty here.  They are spooning.  The couple is either married or the romance leads to marriage.  Bed scenes NEVER include a couple not married (although, there was that one story line where the couple accidentally fell asleep on a couch, talking late at night...does that count?).  Story lines usually include that the protagonists run into each other and have a common goal. This is a summary of the themes found in these daydreams.  On paper, they seem harmless.  After all, don’t women watch chick flicks to feel good?  What’s wrong with that?  What could be lustful about that?  This was a common question I have had to ask myself, especially in the last couple years.  What is lust?  If looking at a person is going to get me in trouble for adultery, how do I navigate this thing called romance in a godly fashion?  I came to realize one major distinction.  If I am attracted to someone for something that they exhibit, it is okay.  However, if my attention is drawn to him, for what he can do for me, then it is lust.  After all, lust is self-seeking.  Sex is in the context of marriage is a man and woman giving themselves to one another to become one; but sex outside of marriage is giving yourself under the guise to get something.  I may have never given myself to anyone, however, I have used my imagination to gain something that wasn’t mine to have.  I have found that I am using these daydreams, as well as fixated crushes (let’s call them as they are: infatuations with real men) to meet a need I have.  In the last seven months, God has revealed that one of the identities I hold onto is my sexuality.  I believe that I must be in a relationship to be convinced that I am loved.  Nevertheless, that is only the beginning of the lies in this identity.  I have also believed that if there are other women as a choice, I would not be picked.  This would explain why in my stories, my protagonist is the only primary female lead in the story.  I believe that a man would only be attracted for what I do.  This explains why there is a bigger purpose for which the couple is connected (such as saving kids, participating in government).

There is a rape theme present, as well.  I wonder if I believe that is the only way in which I would have sex.  As if - I wonder if I believed that a man who would willingly take me, wouldn’t do so honorably.  This is an awkward lie to believe, as I would be outraged if one of my teens ever believed in this.  However, there is an overarching concern for girls (going into womanhood): what makes me attractive, and what do I have to do to be noticed?  I have believed that I either will have to drag a man who wants nothing to do with Jesus, or the hope that my faith will be encouragement enough for him to walk with Christ.  The latter being the more preferred.  This would explain why in every single story line, the man starts off as a nonChristian, but by the end, does come to Jesus.  I know missionary dating doesn’t work.  I know that I want to walk with a godly man.  But there is this thing in my head that believes it isn’t possible. That’s what these daydreams point to, don’t they?  I have certain desires - concerning romance - but I don’t believe they are possible.  And because I believe they aren’t possible, I will do something to get as close to it...even if it is counterfeit.  Because, the truth is, I am loved, even as a single person.  Intimacy can be found in Christ.  Nevertheless, if I am fixated on how men - real or imagined - can feel my needs, I won’t seek after Jesus. Furthermore, this morning I realized that these daydreams are not only a form of adultery, but also idolatry.  Lust serves the self.  And if I am esteeming myself, I am not esteeming Christ.  And if I am not esteeming Christ; if I am drawing strength from or giving my strength to something other than Jesus, then it is an idol.  Maybe that’s why so many of the Old Testament prophets equated the idolatry of Israel to spiritual adultery.  Often, the two are one in the same. 
Still...I find myself falling into this sin.  I don’t want to be a person of lust, but I get caught when I’m thinking of a story.  No more stories?  Maybe.  But my mind sometimes wanders, and how to make it stop?  In Psalms 28:7, it discusses that the wicked are wiped away, because they don’t regard the Lord.  Maybe that’s key.  In the moments that my mind wants to stir up love before it’s appointed time, I need to start reminding myself that God loves me already.  I need to start esteeming who He is.  Maybe if I am satisfied completely in Him, I won’t find myself in want for a man.  Real or imagined.