As a 21 year veteran to the Christian faith, you would think I get this “building God’s kingdom” thing. And if someone were to ask me if I had it down a few years ago, I would have agreed. “Yeah, I know what it means to build God’s kingdom.” But the funny thing about God is that as much as He looks at the efforts of the hands, He weighs the motives of the heart, more so. So, within the last couple years, I have been forced to look at the mirror of my life and ask the question, “Why do I do what I do?” Is it really for God? I would often say so, but the truth of the matter is, there is a very real, selfish, and therefore, sinister reason. I puff myself up. I want the accolades. I want the praise. I want to know that I am making a positive impact in someone’s life. I want to know that I found worth in someone’s life. I want to be the hero. Wait. But isn’t this supposed to be about Jesus? Absolutely, yes. Of course, I want people to be saved from their sins. Of course, I want them to have a relationship with our Father in heaven. But I also want it to be known that it was me who led them to Christ. Sheesh. The truth oozes with pride. My very cursed pride (appropriate time for a specific cuss word?). So, even though it’s by Jesus’ name, it is duly noted that it is my own kingdom that I seek to build. It is no secret that I have struggled with self-esteem. I’ve blogged about it before, but seeing it’s long-awaited result can make me sick concerning the reality of what might be. As long as I have deemed it necessary to rebuttal the verbal or written attacks on my identity, I can only focus on my own worth, rather than on the worth of God. And because I am guilty of seeking my own glory, I fail to glorify God. I wonder how often I have shared a testimony, and it overemphasizes what I have done, but, “Oh Jesus stepped in at this one moment, and helped it along…” Yeah, sure. Honestly, it is very easy to forget to give any credit to Him at all. Sheesh. I’m not as clean as I think I am. There really isn’t too much to wonder why there was a need for a season of rest. How am I to share the love of God if all I am concerned about is how people care about me? I can’t. Luckily, I’m catching it now. However, sooner or later, if undeterred, the motives of my heart would muddle the very notion of why ministry is conducted. I would focus on works, again. I would have a hopeful heart, at first, but burn out. My unconditional love would reveal itself to be conditional. Friendships would be dependent, and not mutually caring. I would get jealous if someone else received affirmation, whereas I hadn’t. I know that this would happen, because it started happening. Even before I officially moved into my season of rest, I began recognizing that something was amiss, and perhaps, I needed to step down from ministry. Whether or not I was going to stay in Browning. There are wounds in my heart that need to be healed; mindsets that need to be realigned with God’s Word. There are lies about myself and my life that I have believed. While buried under a rug, I had been proclaiming truths that I now wonder how deeply (or shallow, as the case may reveal) I honestly trusted and believed. I am finding that in my wounds, I have sought for a safe place to share my faith. I’ll be bold in my writings and among my friends, but ask me to talk to someone beyond my immediate circle; ask me to pray for healing; ask me to do something out of the ordinary, because God directed me to - I will refuse. My boldness has waned. And it’s because I’ve believed the lies of the enemy. I have failed to be assured in my mind what my spirit knows to be true. I have believed that I’m not worth anything. I have believed that I’m someone’s second choice. I have believed that God won’t answer prayer in a timely fashion. I have believed that the results of a supernatural encounter are dependent on my ability and faith, not on the work of the Holy Spirit. I have believed that I need to prove God real. I have believed that salvation needs to look appetizing to the senses before Jesus can be shared. The truth is, while I’m wanting people to accept Jesus, I’m REALLY wanting people to accept me. Because I have feared my entire life that I wouldn’t be. That I could be thrown away. And being thrown away means more to me than if someone fails to have a relationship with Jesus, and subsequently, spends eternity in hell. Sheesh. Quite a narcissistic desire. But it’s my kingdom I’m building. Unless something changes. And the truth is - I DO want it to change. I want to stop worrying about what people think about me. Furthermore, I want to know how to love God beyond what He can do for me. The failure to chase after His heart is because there has been a desire in me for others to chase after mine. I have become convinced of the world’s promises, and found where my convictions have been compromised. It sucks. All this time, I thought I was close to my heavenly Father and doing great things for Him, only to find out it wasn’t 100% for His glory. What. The. Heck. Was I thinking??? Didn’t I see how God wasn’t at the center of it all? To say that I made some mistakes is an understatement. There is some regret. There is a part of me that wants to just jump back in the waters of ministry. When can I go back to a reservation somewhere, or overseas? Maybe I should get involved in the youth or children’s ministry here. Yet, I’m hesitant to do so. For good reason, too. I have come to realize that I lost sight of my Father’s heart, and I want to get back. And I want to go deeper. I’m sure there is a danger to becoming comfortable spending extensive time with God on an almost daily basis. But it would be far more dangerous to go back sharing the Word of God without His heart or His kingdom in mind. As long as I’m afraid of what others think of me, I’ll be too dang focused on me, rather than on Him. So, it is high time to till the soil, fix the broken things in me...but more importantly, fix my eyes on Jesus, lifting up His kingdom instead of my own. He is to increase. I am to decrease. Let it be so.
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