Must I be Wed? The "Curse" of Celibacy

Luckily, women can support 
themselves.  But it is still taboo 
for a woman (and men too)
to remain single for any reason. 
Even in the church.

      People in the church say that singleness is a gift.  That as somebody who isn’t married, I should take advantage of this season.  That it is a gift.  Because, as an adult, I don’t have the strings like others, I can afford more time to devote to godly pursuits, such as ministry.  Nevertheless, I have found that gift is hardly the word to describe such a life.  Because not only is there an expectation that I am free to do so much, but ironically, there is a familial pressure to meet people.  And worse, when people in the church gather for smaller connections, often it is the single people who are left out.  Is celibacy such a gift?  The way that it is received in the church seems to act as if it is more like a curse.  One in which should be righted as soon as possible.
    When it comes to the discussion of romance and the church, there is often a display of mixed messages.     “Wait for sex.      But you should make sure you know that he’s the one (when dating).     Everyone has their own season.  Don’t rush this season.  You should enjoy this season.     You’re lonely?  I feel for you.     Oh, there is this person you should meet!”     Seriously, nine times out of ten, when someone says I should meet someone, they are describing a man.  Never a woman.  I can read between the lines.  Honestly, it’s all confusing…and tiresome.  I know that among the practical gifts found in the Bible, celibacy is one of them.  And those who were in the Bible and single took advantage of that and were able to travel and meet many different people, while sharing the gospel.
    However, today?  Most Christian parents get anxious when their children haven’t found a spouse.  Or they joke about how the adult child should declare their availability.  Sometimes, they will give “wisdom” by sharing what ways to get someone interested (“The way to a man’s heart is through his belly.”  Thank you for the added pressure that I should be a stereotypical woman in order to be beautiful enough for a man to give a second glance…Pause, let me hold in my indigestion, as we continue).  Ironically, once a child is married, then the expectation for grandchildren is assumed.  (Why is it never enough?)     This isn’t a post about how I have finally learned how celibacy is a gift.  At this moment, I find it…not so much a curse, as there are times I am just fine being single.  But frankly, I feel like there is something wrong with me.  Especially in the part of socialization in the church.  I have noticed a trend in congruence with how people create friendships.  Singles will mingle with couples who are dating, sometimes married.  Couples dating will definitely fellowship with married folks.  But once married, the majority of friendships are still married folks or folks with kids.  It is hardly seen that a single person is best friends with a mother (unless, in my experience, it is a single mother).     As a single person, I find it frustrating that there isn’t much cross-integration for family life.  And yes, when I am in moments of loneliness, then I am pitied.  However, the solution offered is to just take some time with Jesus, get a dog, or - well, a man would be a nice addition too.  But why doesn’t the body of Christ act like a family?  After all, if we’re God’s kids, doesn’t that make us related?  Why am I left out when women want to meet (besides a church function Bible study)?  If someone recognizes my loneliness, then why not welcome me into their home?  But…as a single person, I guess I wouldn’t relate.     Cause, I don’t know what it’s like to date.  Nor what the battles come when married.  I don’t know what it’s like to raise kids (teaching prepares me only a little).  But if I had married friends who invited me into their home, maybe I could learn.  Actually, I know I would.  I could find a safe place in case I found men I’m interested in.  I would see how a healthy marriage actually looks.  And as for kids?  Maybe someone could walk me through how to work with little ones.  I promise I’m not being selfish by not offering baby-sitting services.  If someone could help me learn how to change a diaper one-handed, then I might actually be more willing to assist.     However, the greater pain of the single life is one where relationships with others are lacking.  Because celibacy is understood as a gift to endure being alone, compared to their married counterparts, it is then assumed that all we need is Jesus to fix our lonely hearts.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am fully aware that I need to learn to go to Jesus first, and foremost, to meet my needs.  Nevertheless, even Paul had companions with him on his missionary journeys.  So, why is it assumed that the single Christian today could go just well, as isolated?  And if I do long for human connection, why not just get married?     Because frankly…the men that people point out to me are so NOT my type.  I remember my mother wishing I would marry a doctor or lawyer.  It was suggested that I should “befriend” a man nearly 20 years my senior, and that same person suggested I should meet a man eight years younger than me.  Like, I get that they think they're great, but I got my standards too.  Sheesh…I digress…     I wish things were simple.  But even if a person who is destined for life-long celibacy needs friends.  And if a person, who is like me, living out this gift, but does want to get married, I understand that marriage isn’t going to solve my emotional woes.  Why the heck has the church bought into the world’s lie that intimacy is only found in a romantic relationship?!  Or, to solve the solution of loneliness, the suggestion is to date or volunteer more.     Yet, neither are truly a good solution.  First, dating to run away from my loneliness is going to put emotional demands on a man on which he was never meant to carry.  Moreover, my love toward him would only be selfish.  And as for volunteering more?  One of the things I am presently learning in my internship is how I am meant to be, not just do.  Having grown up with a works mindset, telling me to volunteer more would only be undoing any progress I have gained.  I am learning that vocation is more about walking in God’s purposeful living, not necessarily making a head count of how much I can be involved.

This is how I feel when people try to 
force a romantic connection for me.

    The single ones in the church aren’t supposed to be the busy bodies of the church!   As far as I have checked, there are many parts, and no, the celibate ones can’t carry it all.  But thank you for asking, anyway.  Do people understand that the purpose of celibacy is abstinence from sex; it isn't about abstaining from intimacy.  And yes, there is a deep intimacy in marriage that cannot be compared.  But that doesn’t delineate the intimacy found in friendships.  So, why have we decided that single people are not in need of company?!     I do realize that God has reserved some to be celibate for a season.  For others, their entire lives.  I do know that by being single, I am available to move wherever He wants to guide me.  I can up and leave in no time, and I do not have to worry about how a change may affect a spouse or children (the latter being the greater concern; married and without kids can also lend to flexibility in lives).  It means I do have more freedom to be involved in ministry, or extra time to devote to things I like to do, or worship.  But I also know me.     I need friends.  I need family.  I need connection.  And the solution isn’t about just how quickly I can get hitched.  I gotta laugh at myself, sometimes.  When I was 22 years old, I thought I would be married by the time I was 26 years.  But almost seven years have passed since the "due date" for my marriage beginnings, and there is no man in sight.  I wouldn’t say that I’ve given up on the hope for marriage, but I’m giving up on having it as an idol.  Only God knows how long I’m going to be single.  But in the meantime, how will the church befriend me?  If there was any way I saw celibacy as a curse, it would be this: in my singleness, it has become an excuse for others to forget me.     And my question is can I be welcomed just as I am?  Am I a gift, as I am?  Am I only good for all the things I do, or can I have value for the person I am becoming?  I’m tired of feeling guilty for feeling lonely.  As if the only person I ever need is Jesus.  If that is so, why are any of us married (and don’t tell me, that it’s so we can procreate)?  I need people who I can share experiences with.  I need someone who I can bounce thoughts off of.  I need to be a part of the body, and not just some appendage.  Otherwise, what good is this gift of celibacy?