Halfway through my internship, our Regions Beyond crew took a trip to Mexico for a young adults' conference. My musketeer and I were in attendance for learning, but we were also supposed to be prepared to share. Nevertheless, coming back to the states, I am less reminded of what sort of impact I had on my Mexican church family, and more chewing on the things that God had revealed to me in the previous week.
What is incredible is despite not knowing the language, how I could sense the presence of the Holy Spirit. Additionally, there were prophetic words given. Now, it is plausible to believe that God still speaks when family and friends speak to a specific situation. It is quite undoubtable when there are people who never met you, nor speak the same language have spoken exactly what’s going on in your situation. As I am growing in my faith and starting to shift my gaze on what’s “supposed to happen next”, I was struck that the prophetic words I received recounted things that I perhaps have lied down for one reason or another.
The two biggest things were the call of missions and stepping into giftings. The call of missions has never really left since I was a preteen. However, if I was honest, I had this sense that I would always be moving, and honestly, I have primarily only moved to Browning and then to Spokane, outside of my hometown. But when one of the words said, “This trip is not just for learning. God is a missional God. This trip will be a deposit for what He wants to do in the future. Don’t worry about the frontiers or the visas.” Missional God? She OF COURSE couldn’t have known that about me! And though I have a desire for the Rez, the truth is, I also have a desire for traveling. I have wanted to learn about other cultures.
A part of me doesn’t want to walk away from my Native family, because I wonder if I am in a sense abandoning them. However, what if God wants me to also go elsewhere? Not for the sake of avoiding the pain that is so often felt on the reservations (as some of my family will think or admit), but because God is shifting my focus, because He wants me to share the gospel. This isn’t to say this is absolute. Even while in Guadalajara, there was nothing that jumped out at me that I “absolutely have to be back”. But when a potential interest crossed my eyes, even then I had to face the matter of this missional calling (would I be willing to move to another country, minister, for a man?).
But besides the romance, if God told me to change my focus from the Rez to elsewhere, was I willing, even as a single person, to move internationally to share His love? It is scary to think so. I hate the idea of living alone, as I remember what it had done to my mental health. However, my trust in Jesus is deeper and more intimate than it has been. Perhaps, if God were to say something, I actually could find excitement, even in the middle of the anxiety, of living internationally. To clarify, at this point in time, I don’t think God is telling me He is not letting me go back to the Rez. I think He just wanted me to be open to other doors, because possibly, I won’t be on the Rez forever.
The area of stepping into gifts is multifaceted. First, someone prayed that I would step in the gifts of healing and see miracles. That I would see the desires of my heart. Now, I have been recently wrestling with the idea that because of a dream from 10+ years ago, and it being interpreted as a calling for prophetic evangelism, I am supposed to be more fort writ about my faith, as my uncle is. But honestly? It doesn’t fit me. Moreover, it was one person who said that. Now…the mention of healing has been a recurring theme or prophetic word over my life. Maybe people pray that over me, due to me living with a disability, but I have taken an optimistic approach, and believe they genuinely believe they are hearing from the Lord, beyond what they see concerning my right hand.
I admit I don’t usually pray for people, par “laying on of hands” publicly. If I do see someone and pray, I usually pray a safe prayer, as to not offend if nothing happens in the moment.
Boom. There it is.
I knew that healing has been a gift, but it has also been a source of contention. And so, though I believe that God still heals, I am also cautious to pray in such a way that may declare, “Thus saith the Lord,” when their healing may be later, even to the point of waiting until heaven. In reflection, I wondered if there was still perhaps a lingering pain from Pastor Steve’s death. But God’s response was more alarming, “[It’s] you waiting on your own healing. Did getting prayed for numerous times and not seeing [immediate] change cause a fear in you that I don’t answer prayer?” Honestly, yes. Because I wouldn’t want to stir up expectations for things that will not be. I wouldn’t want to create an environment of discontentment or cause someone to question the goodness of God.
However, don’t I believe that God does still heal, in spite of my present physical reality? Yes. My Father went on, “You not praying bold prayers is you trying to protect the person from disappointment. (But healing is a trial that every Christian is going to have to face and wrestle with.) You are called to equip [so much for evangelism; this is confirmation that leans towards teaching and discipleship] and you cannot equip if you don’t give them (people) a chance to learn.” So, I am no longer to hide behind my own hurts and fears, but I am supposed to pray bold prayers, genuinely asking God to move, no matter the outcome. And if/when the time comes that someone doesn’t receive a promise immediately, then I am to be ready to help them navigate questions. Dang…The last component of gifts concerns my writing. I would say that I do practice this gift. However, as with the healing gift, I practice this in secret. This is why I write multiple blog posts, but only a certain percentage actually become public. What I would really desire to do is develop culturally contextual parables and share them. Publicly. So that they can be used as tools to share the gospel. But I haven’t. I have written, but held onto the stories, because I don’t know…I’m afraid that by writing them, I may actually offend the very ones I’m trying to reach.
But a word that remains unspoken is still a word unspoken. And out of fear of rejection, another person is robbed of a gift that can actually enlighten the gospel in a way they never saw before.
It may be time to start asking permission to share these stories. I just don’t know how. While I was in Mexico, another person asked me if I ever thought about writing a book. Truth is, I HAVE. I have thought about writing testimonies from my Native friends and compiling them so people can see how God is healing peoples’ hearts. The person who inquired about book writing then encouraged me, “You should do that.” Most years, I am a full-time teacher. But I do have my summers off. Perhaps instead of moaning that my friends are all busy with work during that time, I could utilize that time to collect stories. Still brainstorming.
When I look back on my trip to Mexico, I am challenged. I am challenged to remember the dreams I once had. I am challenged to collect the fruits of things that have been seeded long ago. I am challenged to not be held back by fears and apprehensions. I don’t know what all the steps I need to take, or the people I need to meet. But I’m reminded that in this internship, I have been learning what it means to be a child of God, as Laura Emily Hall. How I walk in my calling will not look like others. How I employ the heart of Jesus will differ than those beside me. And that’s okay. More than okay, it is needed. And I need to stop worrying how I’m not fitting into other peoples’ boxes, because I am not meant to. Here’s to the next chapter. Here’s to the next steps. Here’s to the dreams being woken and things being revealed.
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