For Me?

I need You.
Peel the scales from my eyes.
Renew my mind,
For my sight
Profanes my judgment.
Heal this heart,
Cause it felt so much...
Enough to doubt Yours.

I know You are good,
But I need to know
You are good for me.
While I pray, 
I need to know
I'm not wasting in the waiting.
I don't need to believe
My words are falling on deaf ears,
Like a beggar to her King.
If You be my Father,
Then please answer.
Help me to be still
And know
You are all I need.

Praises ring loud
When testimonies are writ.
Your hand moves,
Then we sing.
But when life is full of ---
Well, You can guess
What was said, Your name
No longer a blessing.

I know You are just,
But I need to know 
I'm not left in the dark.
When I pray,
I need to know
I'm not abandoned,
Nor forced to stand
Beside myself.
Please give me evidence
I have hoped for; or at least
Reveal the alternative perspective:
In the quiet,
You are all I need.

If I knew
The depth of Your grace,
' Might be apt
To rest a while longer;
May forget the things I pondered
To prove the memory of Your glory.
Give me faith
To know who You are,
To trust Your heart even when
My eyes fail to see
Or my hands remain empty.
Show me that You have chosen
Me; to be still
And know
Your presence is what
I need the most.

     Over the course of this last year, I have learned to trust my heavenly Father more than I ever have.  The secret wounds are finally being buried.  Scars remain, but the poison from their pain is decreasing.  Nevertheless, there are still moments I find myself tempted to forget how much God loves me.  I am tempted to believe that God forgets me.  I am tempted that I have to do something in order for God to answer my prayers.  I wish I was better about seeking Him and truly worshipping Him, instead of throwing an emotional tantrum.  The fact of the matter is that often I resort to the same victim mindset that has plagued me for years and transfer the blame to the Creator of all things.  I don't fault God for the cause of my pain.  But I have blamed Him for not being the immediate resolve.  Immediate is the key word.  Because He still heals me.  He still moves in my life.  But it's just not on my timeline.
     I get discouraged that the Bible tells stories of people receiving an immediate answer, but my body somehow has to wade through time before the natural processes bring a full fruit.  Just today, I heard of a student who has nearly the same condition as I do.  I was told that she was able to get off her seizure meds and she stopped having auras (seizures where they zone out in space).  There was a twinge of disappointment that she received what I didn't.  Then when I heard that her seizures progressed to grand mal, and has required an implant to manage the seizure activity, reality sat in.  "God, please heal her."  
     I'm afraid that although I believe that God's gifts are for today, I'm increasingly becoming more cessationist in the way I pray for people.  "If it's Your will..."  Problem is that my focus is on the circumstance more than on God Himself.  I'm demanding that He works according to my plan, and any shift causes me anxiety in the least and frustration at most.  Truth is, taking a couple of sick days wouldn't bother me if I wasn't worried about how it takes me from working, being a presence at church, or being with family.  I easily can worship God when things can fit my schedule; but when they are completely counter, then I have a mental overhaul.  It's as if I have forgotten everything I really know about who God is and what He has done for me, and what He has promised to do in the future.  
     How could I be so foolish?  Is the only reason I worship Jesus for what He can do for me?  Is the end all what my earthly life amounts to?  Oh God, I'm so sorry!  Please forgive me for once again determining that You are worthy of my worship, only when things are going well.  I have fallen for some sort of prosperity gospel.  I have bought into the idea that if I truly have Your favor, then You would make things work for my benefit...now.  The truth is my faith still remains a selfish one, and I fail to sit in wonder of who You are.  God forgive me, and God change me.