Twu Wuv

The irony behind the infamous quote is that the priest preached to a couple who were deleterious to loving one another.  Neither one of the pair cared for the other, as from a Christian’s perspective, like Jesus would indicate.  What is true love, anyway?  I mean beyond the confines of the romantic.  What does it mean to love somebody else?  Easily, I could quote 1 Corinthians 13 (the mainstay wedding passage), but the materiality of love usually is self-centered.     I wonder how selfish I am.  Regardless of biblical convictions, I am faced with my own pain.  My emotions and thoughts spur as a revolving door; almost as divided as a child who can’t make their mind about which candy is their favorite.  I am learning so much about how there are things I hold offenses due to my personal triggers.  It requires a perspective shift.  But then, there still remains lacerations upon my heart.  Although I intended to write sharing about how much I’ve learned to let go because in understanding someone else I cease to demand someone else meets my needs, I still am liable for grieving for needs unmet.     The lesson learned:  Not everything is about me.  A phrase articulated; I should know this by now.  But borne from rejection can wrought rejection even from the slightest of comments or intentions.  But to not be invited to some things doesn’t mean I am completely forgotten.  To not be chosen for a dinner doesn’t mean I’m not wanted, at all.     Okay, even while writing this, I see how in between the lines, my mind may know the truth, but my emotions relay that I’m only lying to myself.     The lesson - different people have different love languages, and so, I know I must learn how to interpret someone’s intention if it isn’t in the way I communicate best.  I may be a words of affirmation/quality time gal, but if someone shows love by hospitality, then evidence of a lack of love is not imminent.  The fact is that I just need to speak their language.  In speaking their language, then I can receive their love for me.     Another lesson - other people have different personalities and limits.  Maybe the people who have done something to hurt me do so, because they are at a point in their own emotional love tank where they need to fill up rather than pour out.  Perhaps it is the battle of introversion vs. extroversion.  Maybe reaching out in the way that I need is not even on their radar.     Again, reading between the lines, there is still a back-and-forth battle of “Really!  I’m okay,” to “I feel forgotten and I need to be explicitly included.”  I’m learning there are offenses borne from differing perspectives.  These are slight misunderstandings, and when we understand the context, we can forgive the infraction.  However, there are offenses based on sin.  These do need to be addressed as soon as possible, in an effort to reconcile the relationship.  Nevertheless, even when I understand someone’s limits or perspective, their actions still can hurt.     I feel stuck.  I want true love.  Friendship.  Someone to walk life with.  I know that this stems from feeling rejected growing up, which is why I wallow in confusion.  Because if the wound is from me, then is the offender actually in the wrong? (And if they haven’t done anything wrong, should I say something, as advised in Matthew 18?)  I have needs, but I won’t share them.  I guess experience has taught me it is better to hide.  To share my gifts equates to bragging. Sharing my desires and needs means I will become burdensome.  Sharing my hurts means I will offend.  And I will refuse to trust someone to care for me, because that would be selfish.  (Clarification, I am not saying these beliefs are biblical.  Just that they are seared into my consciousness since maturing.)     I’m quite honest.  Vulnerability?  Indubitably, not a strong suit.  I’m trying to get past this victim mindset that has plagued my emotions, but I’m not vulnerable, because I’ve learned to just take care of myself.  And it is so ingrained that I don’t know any other way.  And ironically, I can tell friends that it is easy to forgive when understanding another’s perspective, but I sit here mourning a lack of connection.  And I cannot pinpoint that someone has inevitably sinned against me.  So, what do I do?     I am confounded by who I am able to connect with, and those I fail to.  I don’t know if it’s a personality thing, or if I'm sending the wrong message (that I don’t want to be available).  Why are the people I’m drawn to have these overriding personal issues that, in relationship, fall into the codependency category? And God, please tell me WHY I seem to connect more with men than with women?!  (Seriously, it makes it hard to know what is okay to discuss, what’s not…how then, to navigate dating if all the friends are dudes…)  I can be so chill with the guys, but frankly, I’m not one of the boys.     Am I to settle for different friends at different seasons, never to have a close friend that can walk near no matter what?  It seems the “Christian” way to say that Jesus is all I need.  But - maybe this is a sin for admitting this - but He’s not.  At least, in the realm of having relationships.  I know I am built for Him and to connect with people.  So, why then, is it so dang hard?     Maybe the connection and defining relationships isn’t as detrimental as I think (even I have boundaries of who I want as friends vs. acquaintances).  Nevertheless, I do know when I’m not included.  And if there is a pattern of being left out, I will read a message between the lines - intentional or not.  “I am not wanted.  I am around, because they are putting up with me.”  What may be the risk?  How do I lean in?  Saying hello, asking about their day.  Maybe I could invite them to do something.  But if there is a phone, a book, or lack of reply - there is a wall.  I wish I could be part of something, a family.  But if I’m not invited, I won’t barricade the doors. 

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